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I want to bang my head against a wall!


ellandroader
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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My situation is posted on here so feel free to check back if you wish.

 

 

 

Otherwise, I feel like I am better than I was, only that a big part of me is struggling to accept how things turned out.

 

I am stuck in some middle ground where I feel justified in ending it (emotional abuse/unavailability, differences, one-sided etc) but on the other hand, I still have strong feelings for her and the inclination to try and work things out.

 

On top of that, my confidence which took a long time to build has taken a hit and I doubt my attractiveness to people, started thinking in negative lines again which I tried so hard to change.

 

I kinda wish she could see how well I treated her and how serious I was. However I was probably in a losing battle yet I can't seem to let her go...all but one of the people I have confided in have backed me and said I did the right thing, was brave to do it etc etc but I just can't shake it off.

 

Help

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Ellandroader, I've been following your posts here for a while and I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time right now. Lately I've been really impressed with your insights and with how well you've been both reassessing the past and figuring out how to move forward.

 

We all go through periods, after breakups, where we think we'll never find anyone again, where no one will find us attractive, or we just won't find someone as fantastic as our ex. But that's not true. You're a young, attractive, intelligent, self-aware and well-spoken person. I'm certain you'll have no problem finding someone when you're ready! And as for the second part - if our exes really were that fantastic, and were fantastic for us, we'd still be with them. The very fact that we're here on this forum indicates that they (and/or we) weren't perfect. We're all human...we do the best we can do.

 

Hang in there, and know that - just as you've had better days in the past - you will have better days again in the future. This too shall pass. In the meantime (((hugs)))

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Hi there Dan

 

I think all these emotions you are still going through are quite natural and I know what you mean about wanting to bangi your head against a brick wall! Fella, eventually you will realise that banging your head against is just a waste of time because all it does is hurt you!

 

You say that part of you has a strong inclination to try and work things out with her but I think you ought to read back through your original posts and remind yourself just how one-sided this relationship was. You knew it wasn't right and that is why you had the confidence to end it.

 

Your confidence can take a real knock in all this but it will return, with a bit of time more. As you walk forward you will start feeling much better about the situation - that it was a dit of a dead duck (don't mean to seem harsh!).

 

Lots of people get stuck in this rut, so there is nothing wrong with you whatsoever. But you need to find that strength from somewhere to steal a 4x4 and crash it! Just give yourself a bit more time, ok?

 

You sound like a lovely bloke and from your pic you are pretty good looking so start looking in the mirror and seeing the great you. Look in the mirror lots and smile at yourself. Smiling uses a hell of a lot less muscles than getting down and frowning!

 

Kepp your chin up mate.

 

Mark

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Viajera, your words completely brightened up my day. Thank you very much for your input. You are very matter of fact but you talk common sense, which I think in some ways, I need some sense knocking into me because I feel like I am beating myself up a bit too much!

 

 

 

 

Cheers Mark, much appreciated. It is comforting to see that people understand as I feel sometimes that others just expect you to jump over the hurdle as if nothing happened. I was very emotionally invested and thought I had found Ms Right so you can imagine my disappointment at how things transpired in the end. If you know of a good 4X4 knocking about, do tell!

 

Thank you guys

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Hi Daniel,

 

I read through your post and it is a similar story to mine so i can relate well. I too fell for a woman who is emotionally unavailable and we have had a roller coaster ride. I gave as much as i could, but she just won't open herself up. I kept thinking if i give more and more, eventually she will come around and open up, but fear is something that is too strong for most people to overcome and the single biggest reason IMO for relationships ending.

 

I should add that i also have my share of issues and fear, but i committed to working on myself and i am going through therapy to work on my own fears. The problem i have is that i give myself up too easily in relationships, so much so that i do lose myself and then the break-up becomes that much harder to deal with.

 

It took a great amount of courage from you to end it and like you i go through my daily battles of 'what if' and 'how could i have done things differently' etc

 

For me, letting go and acceptance is a very difficult thing and something i need to work on a lot more. It sounds like you also have difficulty with letting go and it's not easy.

 

All i can say is that there are others here who feel your confusion, frustration and sadness.

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Dan,

 

first of all, you are cute so I wouldn't worry about that at all.

 

I think it's natural for those of us who were involved with emotionally unavailable people to think that if we only tried a little harder, opened up a little more, then we would get what we asked for.

 

It just doesn't work that way. The problem is that we were more emotionally available than they were ready to handle, so becoming more vulnerable by going back only makes the problem worse. Even if they acknowledge that they are/were emotionally unavailable, frequently they just don't have the maturity and the skill set to open up despite any desires they might have to do so. My ex frequently told me he was more emotionally open with me than anyone else; it's a nice sentiment but relationships shouldn't be graded on a curve. He had the emotional maturity of a 14 year old boy.

 

What I'm trying to say is: Don't Settle.

You have probably internalized a lot of the negative self talk from your ex and it is just getting to you now. It's just a habit and it will take time to break. Don't punish yourself and don't get back together with her. From what I've seen, you're a great guy and you deserve better.

 

I think those of us who are in the habit of giving to others, who feel real meaning and fulfillment from doing so, need to find some other way to direct that loving attention. Maybe at a nursing home, or at the humane society or something. It's clear that being attentive and devoted is important to you, so just focus on being attentive and devoted to someone else.

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You already know logically that walking out of the relationship was brave and demonstrates a healthy sense of self. That doesn't mean you're not allowed some emotional difficulty with it.

 

Even people who run into burning building have a healthy fear of fire. People who've been burned emotionally have some reasonable periods of pain and questioning and healing. Well, unless they're too frightened to go there--and those are the trapeze artists who swing from one relationship into another, never pausing long enough for a courageous face-off with the Self.

 

If we feared nothing, how would we appreciate fragility and vulnerability as part of the human condition? A healthy respect for our own vulnerability is what makes a companion with whom we can deeply share our most secret self so valuable and rare. Who'd want to sacrifice that potential in favor of doing pretzels for someone who doesn't own the capacity to share such intimacy?

 

When someone can't see you through the right lens, that doesn't speak of you. It's not fair to assume some deficiency in yourself just because you can't clearly understand the deficiency in someone to whom you've assigned a pedestal. It's not about blaming 'them' to feel better, it's about recognizing when a match is just wrong for you. Once you reconcile your self-esteem your fears will minimize and you'll want wrong matches to pass early.

 

Self-esteem is a dynamic, ever-changing characteristic. It's also exactly what it says, 'self' esteem, not girlfriend esteem or parent esteem or other esteem. So it's not dependent on others. It's part of our own process, and it's part of your vulnerability--the very thing that keeps you respectful of life and appreciative of joy and intimacy. This appreciation is what prevented you from selling out in favor of fantasy, and it will lead you forward even as it allows you your healthy grief and your courageous face-off with your Self.

 

In your corner.

 

PS. You may want to consider the ego whenever you question why your love could not make your ex whole--and whenever you question your ability to go back and 'work' at this some more. The ego gets pretty frustrated with the idea that it's not a magic wand. ; )

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I just want to say thank you for the additional responses to this, and for the kind words too. I feel a lot better than I did.

 

 

What I'm trying to say is: Don't Settle.

You have probably internalized a lot of the negative self talk from your ex and it is just getting to you now. It's just a habit and it will take time to break. Don't punish yourself and don't get back together with her. From what I've seen, you're a great guy and you deserve better.

 

 

Thank you PL....I guess I feel I gave her my best and it still didn't work out, perhaps her negatiivity and pessimism did rub off on me too. She actually did become critical of me for no reason sometimes. I have tried all kinds of things to boost my esteem back up again but thankfully, I have never been one to settle either. I know what I am looking for and have to approach this with the attitude that this is one more step to that goal.

 

Self-esteem is a dynamic, ever-changing characteristic. It's also exactly what it says, 'self' esteem, not girlfriend esteem or parent esteem or other esteem. So it's not dependent on others. It's part of our own process, and it's part of your vulnerability--the very thing that keeps you respectful of life and appreciative of joy and intimacy. This appreciation is what prevented you from selling out in favor of fantasy, and it will lead you forward even as it allows you your healthy grief and your courageous face-off with your Self.

 

In your corner.

 

PS. You may want to consider the ego whenever you question why your love could not make your ex whole--and whenever you question your ability to go back and 'work' at this some more. The ego gets pretty frustrated with the idea that it's not a magic wand. ; )

 

Haha, the ego isn't a magic wand, you're right! But thank you for your advice....it might have worked had I sold my spine and soul and gone along with it on her terms. Of course, that could have meant years of emotional abuse also and little games. I have encountered "self" and tried to fix things a bit too within myself, at least to convince myself that I did everything I could and that I am happy with myself. (I was when I met her)

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Hey dude,

 

From one person having a bit of a struggle to another.... keep strong, keep focused on you and have faith you will be happy again.... Easier said than done? Hell yes, but we must plod on regardless.

 

Stay you.

 

 

I'm trying 'pace of ace'....just struggling to let go, haha I hate it when it feels like I wasn't given a fair crack of the whip, and that I was patient, understanding, considerate, treated her like a princess....just frustrates me!

 

Plodding on...

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I'm trying 'pace of ace'....just struggling to let go, haha I hate it when it feels like I wasn't given a fair crack of the whip, and that I was patient, understanding, considerate, treated her like a princess....just frustrates me!

 

Plodding on...

 

 

I feel you man, i worshipped my ex and was always a loving and attentive boyfriend and it still wasn't enough. She once told me she felt i was "in the bag" and that she didn't feel she had to "work" to keep me.... i mean, really! All i did was love the girl unconditionally.

 

But what can you do. I've been kicking around these boards for nearly a year and have been apart from my ex over a year and i'm still not over it.

 

I'm sure in time we'll both feel better and find someone great who we deserve. In the mean time, chin up and keep going. This pain and frustration surely cannot be in vain.

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