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Fallen for a muslim girl....


artsman1

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Hi everyone,

 

I'm looking for advice on here because I'm not sure who to ask (though I may ask another one of my female muslim friends for advice if I see her).

 

Through a mutual university group, I met a muslim girl about 3 years ago and became pretty good friends with her. We've always got along great and enjoyed each others company when we're in the group. I've always kind of had a thing for her, and I've sensed that she's always liked me a bit more too. She's basically everything I'm looking for; really intelligent, cute, pretty, sweet, is one of the few people I've met with the exact same sense of sarcasm and humour, and also likes talking about politics and hockey. Whenever we're talking, we're always making each other laugh and we get along great.

 

I had asked her to go out just for coffee before and she had always seemed a bit hesitant. The main problem is, I'm not Muslim. I'm agnostic, although I have been reading about Buddhism lately and it has made a lot of sense to me. I know that Muslim women and non-Muslims are not supposed to date or marry, and I know that if anything was to happen between us, I'd pretty much have to convert. However, while she is a practicing Muslim and her family is practicing, she does not wear the head scarf, which tells me that they might be slightly less conservative about things.

 

I really like this girl a lot and I've always wondered if we could have something more. I don't know, maybe it's not worth hoping for, but I was wondering if I could get any advice from anyone on how I should handle this. We're both in the same city for the summer and I wanted to ask her to see if she wanted to hang out since we really enjoy hanging out together it seems...although I'm not even sure if boys and girls are allowed to "hang out" together either. But I mean, maybe if we started hanging out, who knows what could happen I think. I'm not sure if I should tell her how I feel though...or if this would make her not want to hang out anymore and push her away. Anyways, any advice would be appreciated.

 

artsman1

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It depends on her and her family. I have dated Muslim men, and I may convert. She may be willing to go out for coffee, she may even be willing to date you, it depends on what she will allow herself to do and how much control her family has over her. Since she doesnt wear hijab I am assuming she may be a little more independent, and she would probably go for a cup of coffee with you.

 

I suggest you just ask her to go out for coffee, or go to a political discussion or play a game in the park. You will never know until you ask her...

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move on from her.

 

I kind of agree w/ that too. I would also suggest not getting to attached, b/c it may go no where, b/c you aren't Muslim, but you never know maybe if you start to date something could happen, and you could convert, it can happen, it rarely happens, but I guess its worth a try.

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I'm agnostic, although I have been reading about Buddhism lately and it has made a lot of sense to me.

 

Have you done any reading on Islam, because the two are pretty different.

 

Also, you need to find out more about her faith, but I'd bet that if you aren't a Muslim and have no plans to convert you are out of luck. It's strongly cultural, not just religious.

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Would I be able to get a reason for why I should "just move on?" or some context?

 

Also, thanks for the advice creatingsmiles, though my situation is slightly different, as I've read that Muslim men can date Jewish and Christian women, but Muslim women cannot date or marry outside their religion. Of course, I'm sure it is all based on what the family believes or is willing to accept...

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Have you done any reading on Islam, because the two are pretty different.

 

Also, you need to find out more about her faith, but I'd bet that if you aren't a Muslim and have no plans to convert you are out of luck. It's strongly cultural, not just religious.

 

Oh yeah, I of course understand that Buddhism and Islam are entirely different. I just said that to say that I have been going through a period in my life where I have become slightly more spiritual.

 

I mean, I don't know, I know you are not supposed to convert out of love for someone, and I wouldn't consider it unless we had seen each other for a while and I knew that she was "the one" but if that happened, who knows what could happen... But how am I supposed to know if she is "the one" unless I can get somewhat closer to her?

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I would definetly give it a try. I mean, her family may not be that conservative. It's the same with dating Christian girls. There's some that are ultra-conservative, no sex before marriage, no swearing, etc (not that there's anything wrong with that). And there are some who go to church occasionally and believe in God but are alright with sex before marriage (not that there's anything wrong with that either).

 

I have a Muslim friend and she doesn't wear a headscarf, speaks perfect English, goes to University and her parents seem to trust her a lot. She's currently dating a white man, but it's sort of a secret from her parents. I say sort of because her parents know, they just don't approve. But the disapproval may alse be due to the fact that he's 5 or 6 years older...

 

I say, at least talk to her about it. You may have to convert, but if you're agnostic, it's all the same God in my book.

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if she was hesitant in even going for a coffee, i don't see how you and her would be able to date or get married. if you convert, do it for yourself and your own beliefs, not for her. if you convert and still like her, then go for it. otherwise you will open the door to a ton of heartache by doing it the other way around.

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Would I be able to get a reason for why I should "just move on?" or some context?

 

Also, thanks for the advice creatingsmiles, though my situation is slightly different, as I've read that Muslim men can date Jewish and Christian women, but Muslim women cannot date or marry outside their religion. Of course, I'm sure it is all based on what the family believes or is willing to accept...

 

That is true, about Muslim men vs. Muslim women dating outside their faith, but there have been instances (very few) where a Muslim woman will date a person from another faith, and he converts or she converts. It is very rare though. It just can become a very complicated situation. I suggest you read about Islam. There is a really good fun easy to read book called "The Muslim Next Door," you'll basically learn all you need to know about Islam. I agree, convert because you love and believe in the religion, not for a woman. Take it slowly and dont get too attached too soon. good luck.

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Regardless of the opinions on here the ONLY real answer your going to get is from her. Why not just ask?

 

Who knows what she thinks, and shes the person who holds all the cards, so its in your best interests to find that out rather than speculate!

 

Go get em tiger.

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Regardless of the opinions on here the ONLY real answer your going to get is from her. Why not just ask?

 

Who knows what she thinks, and shes the person who holds all the cards, so its in your best interests to find that out rather than speculate!

 

Go get em tiger.

 

Bingo. What he said.

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Regardless of the opinions on here the ONLY real answer your going to get is from her. Why not just ask?

 

Who knows what she thinks, and shes the person who holds all the cards, so its in your best interests to find that out rather than speculate!

 

Go get em tiger.

 

Yeah, I know this is the best advice I can get. It's just tough, because if she doesn't want anything more, I'm perfectly cool just remaining her friend, but then if you reveal your feelings and they don't reciprocate, it has to potential to make things awkward...but I guess, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

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- Before you ask her out, since you are already friends with her, why not try to find out what her & her family's opinion is about dating n marrying a non-Muslim? If you are comfortable you can ask her this Q yourself, if not, try to find out through a common friend.

- Some people follow their religion strictly. Marrying n changing religion is 1 thing and practicing it is other. Find out how strictly she practices the principles of her religion. I have a Muslim friend. She wears headscarf, doesn't drink, prays x5/day, follows everything that her religion teaches. Try seeing your Muslim friend in different settings, see if you can visit her family during their festivals, see if you can visit their temple. Talk to her about her religion, see how she reacts. Understand one thing, if she practices her religion, you marry her, you will have to practice the religion too (unless she is willing to give you total freedom in that area). If you are not comfortable with it, don't go ahead with this thing.

- Also depends on what you are looking for in terms of relationship, company, FWB, GF, marriage, be clear. Make your goals clear to her as well. If you are not looking for anything serious with this girl, religion shouldn't stand in your way. Eg I can express my desire to be FWB with a religious man. What his religion tells him to do about that is his problem, not mine.

 

I would highly advise to do this homework before you ask her out. If you ask her out, she says yes, there is no going back, especially in your situation where you are already friends with her. You are risking your friendship and also looks bad on you. If you were not sure about the religion thing, why did you ask her out without thinking this through?

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Would I be able to get a reason for why I should "just move on?" or some context?

 

Also, thanks for the advice creatingsmiles, though my situation is slightly different, as I've read that Muslim men can date Jewish and Christian women, but Muslim women cannot date or marry outside their religion. Of course, I'm sure it is all based on what the family believes or is willing to accept...

 

She's trying to protect you from a situation where you end up in love with this girl and she is "forced" to break up with you because of her parents and her cultural values.

 

Even if you say you will convert that might not be enough. Her parents will wonder how genuine you are about the faith. And lets face it - how genuine would you be in those circumstances?

 

Some people can break away from their parents to pursue what it is they want and to find out who they are and what they want. Other's can't.

 

Even if this girl is of a type that can - you could still end up inflicting all sorts of pain on her life when she's forced to devastate her parents or lose you.

 

I just think you should have a chat with her. Tell her you like her and are interested in dating but out of respect for her, her parents and their cultural beliefs, you want to know if dating a non-muslim would cause issues for her or her family in the long run.

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Technically, muslims are not supposed to date at all. So that might explain her hesitance on the coffee date.

 

Even if she's not a believer, but her family is, it has the potential of becoming a difficult situation for both of you if anything "develops" further than a friendship.

 

So I have to agree with what Indigo has said and tread carefully but openly.

 

aside: It's my personal belief that you should only convert to a faith because you believe in it. Converting to marry is not a good idea.

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How old you are makes a difference. I have a muslim friend in her early 30s; she does not wear the hijab, and I think she would be open to marrying non-muslim men. As you get older, many muslims (forgive if I overgeneralize here) tend to be married, and muslim women that have been career oriented have a difficult time finding someone. You shouldn't rule someone out just because of her religion.

 

Also, I think my friend has said that people look at her and just see her religion-- she is a whole person too and the rest of her might really like to get to know you. There's no harm in going on a few dates.

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  • 7 years later...

Hi I would just like to say I have also fallen for a Muslim girl who doesn't wear a Hijab and I feel like maybe I should speak to her dad to see if maybe I could take her out and I am even willing to let her brother come along to keep an eye on things not that I would try anything as I respect her too much to ever disrespect her or her family or faith.

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