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How can I change my life?


creatingsmiles

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Hi, I am looking for answers. I have been on and off depression meds for the past 5 years. None of them have helped. Ive been on Lexapro, Wellbutrin, and Zoloft. I dont know what is wrong with me. I dont enjoy life at all. I feel too tired to do anything. Everyone just says I am lazy, but I feel that is is much more than that. I have no motivation for life, I wish I had a another way to describe it, but I have no passion for anything, at all. I used to write, I havent written anything in years, something inside of me is just completely dead. I used to ride the bus, and come up w/ fun little stories, just being out and around people inspired me. Now I just want to sit in my room. I was nearly kicked out of college this semester (I dropped my courses so that I couldnt be disqualified.)

 

My grades are horrible, but I am not an idiot or anything. One of my professors totally loves me and thinks I am brilliant. I really wanted to spend this semester having chats with her, and just being a sponge and soaking up all her knowledge, but I could barely get myself out of bed to go to school. I hate school, but I love it, I know I could love it, but how? I hate all the people in my courses, I hate being around them, I feel as though they are judging me b/c I am fat and ugly, and not thin and fashionable. Im not a fun loving party girl so that leaves me with no friends. Alcohol makes me rude, and angry, and spiteful, so going out and drinking guarantees that I have ended any remote chance at a friendship. I enjoy the ganja, but it leaves me anxious and somewhat paranoid. I want to be stoned all the time, all day long. I like being stoned and watching family guy all day. Thats the only thing I like doing, and eating pizza.

 

I am obese. I am 5'3 170 my BMI is 30.1. This furthers my depression. I have had a gym membership since August I have been there a total of say 5 times. I get anxious just drving up to the parking lot. The idea of all these fit gorgeous ppl in one building, then of course there is me, the fat slob. I dont know what to do with myself anymore. I have no friends. Well, maybe like 2 but I can never figure out anything to do, and when I am invited anywhere I just dont feel like going.

 

 

I want to work out, and go places, and have fun, and get a boyfriend, and have sex, and feel confident and secure. I want to have a life. I dont know how to even get the ball rolling. How do I get myself out of bed in the morning to do anything? How can I enjoy things again? I feel like if I dont figure out a way to change I will kill myself soon, I am reaching a point where I cant take feeling like this anymore.

 

 

Ps.

fyi: I currently just moved back in with my parents but I lived w/ roommates for a while and I felt this exact same way. I have a job, before I found this one, I was on a three week drug binge, after I quit my previous job. I pretend to go to school everyday. I dont smoke anymore. I have an afternoon job, so I have a long time before I have to get going. I'd like to go to bed early, and wake up early, and start the day, etc. I feel like nothing is really wrong with my life, but I hate it so much, and I feel awful all the time. I even hate talking about it b/c I think it makes me seem like a whiny spoiled brat, when I know there are ppl on the other side of the world straving who would give there right arm for my life and here I am just wasting it away. I feel like I dont deserve it and I should trade places w/ someone.

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Get some exercise equipment in your house and start working out and eating properly until you lose a significant amount of weight. The improvement in physical appearance will make you feel better in a way no amount of medication can.

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Ok well first of you need to take one step at a time. Firstly being overweight really lowers your self confidence. You say you want to be beautiful and you can be, go to the gym with your head held high. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Just in case you forgot a gym is designed for people to go there to loose weight no matter how skinny or fat you are. After you've worked out for even half an hour you will feel really good about yourself afterwards.

 

Second you say you hate everyone in your courses because yo think they're judging you because you're overweight. That is just a state of mind once you begin working out you'll feel healthier and happier and will get the confidence to talk to people. You say that you have maybe about 2 friends well try to get to know them better.

 

Once you've sorted out things in your life you'll find a reason to want to get up in the morning. With your writing too once you're getting yourself together you'll find the inspiration to write again. if writing is something you love then don't give up on it. You never know where it'll take you and it will be something good.

 

Most importantly its not about being super skinny and fashionable. Your real friends will accept you for who you are and a guy will come along and sweep you off your feet. You never know where life is gonna take you so just hold on.

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Have you tried counselling as opposed to anti depressants? What is it that is at the root of the troubles?

 

I have tried counseling but it was short term, and I really got no answers. I feel like I get the same thing all the time, write in a journal, go to bed early, dont drink, etc...

 

Get some exercise equipment in your house and start working out and eating properly until you lose a significant amount of weight. The improvement in physical appearance will make you feel better in a way no amount of medication can.

 

I have thought about that but I feel bad b/c I am spending money every month on a gym membership. Should I just keep myself locked in the house until I am thin? It never works, I just eat.

 

Ok well first of you need to take one step at a time. Firstly being overweight really lowers your self confidence. You say you want to be beautiful and you can be, go to the gym with your head held high. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Just in case you forgot a gym is designed for people to go there to loose weight no matter how skinny or fat you are. After you've worked out for even half an hour you will feel really good about yourself afterwards.

 

Second you say you hate everyone in your courses because yo think they're judging you because you're overweight. That is just a state of mind once you begin working out you'll feel healthier and happier and will get the confidence to talk to people. You say that you have maybe about 2 friends well try to get to know them better.

 

Once you've sorted out things in your life you'll find a reason to want to get up in the morning. With your writing too once you're getting yourself together you'll find the inspiration to write again. if writing is something you love then don't give up on it. You never know where it'll take you and it will be something good.

 

Most importantly its not about being super skinny and fashionable. Your real friends will accept you for who you are and a guy will come along and sweep you off your feet. You never know where life is gonna take you so just hold on.

 

Its silly, but no I have never thought of the gym that way. I always think of it as a place for skinny people to get skinnier, lol. Dumb, yeah. Its just hard to get in the gym. I dont want to be on meds, I feel like I dont need them, that I have some mental hurdle, to jump over something, I just dont know how to do. I know I'd feel better if I worked out, but I also feel so sad and depressed b/c I am so fat, that I did this too myself. I am just really unhappy.

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Well to me it seems like the main root of the problem is her self esteem.

At the end of highschool I had incredibly low self esteem and I could barely get out of bed every day. I ended up dropping out of highschool (seemed better than telling everyone I failed).

It took me three years to get out of that rut and get into university and now I am happier. I have more motivation and better self esteem.

Small steps to happiness, write down things that DO make you happy but aren't detrimental to you (drinking, smoking ganj, emotional eating, etc.)

Things like a good conversation with friends, reading books, going for walks.

And then do these things more often.

Work out a healthy eating plan, go for walks around the block to get your heart rate going.

Cancel the gym membership for now but work out what exercise you can do at home. That's how I started getting fit and it made me a lot happier.

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I will do that, did you lose weight doing home workouts? I always feel that working out at home wont be enough. I had like a cheap elliptical machine I used to use, maybe I can do that again.

 

What got me fit was that I totalled my car and couldn't afford a new one so I started riding my bike everywhere, and I started using the treadmill at home (my housemate found it on the side of the road!).

Both these things worked so well. I wasn't looking to loose weight, just tone up my legs and stomach because I felt gross like I couldn't wear the clothes I wanted to wear.

Other than that I didn't find exercise fun at all except for running around and things like that. It was hard for me to be stuck at home doing push ups and those things because I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere that way.

After a few months of running and riding I went to a casual gym which was class-based and cheap and you showed up whenever and did spin classes, aerobics, dance, yoga, things like that.

It was fun because I made friends, it was casual (I didn't pay a membership but I paid per class), and of course I was always happy after exercising.

Try and find things like that in your area?

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Biggest weight buster for me always was and still is walking. Changed my life. Doesn't cost anything, doesn't require anything of me beyond getting out of bed and throwing on some shorts and walking shoes, can play radio or mp3 or books on tape, helps me deal with anger and work out stuff in my brain, tones everything including neck and arms. Down side--weather. That's when I jump on an elliptical. Thing is, I get more burn for the effort moving my weight against the gravity of simple earth. I don't feel the slight losses until the next morning--very motivating for next walk. I take amino acids before bed, that helps. When I can get to bed early, I burn more. I think it happens when we sleep!

 

In your corner.

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Yeah, that is part of my problem, I dont find the treadmill and elliptical fun, it just very boring. I like yoga, but I know I need real cardio to lose weight. I took a weight lifting type of class once, and I liked that. I tried a cardio class, but I couldnt keep up and I satrted to feel really dizzy, and sick, so all of that definitely discouraged me.

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What is it that destoyed your esteem in the first place? We are born with self esteem, but things happen to side track it. You have to figure out what that is.

 

Hmm..well, It started in middle school, I started getting teased a lot b/c I was really smart and cared a lot about school, people started teasing me saying I was "acting white," or trying to be a "white girl." I went to an all white school for a long time.Later I went to more multicultural school and this is when the teasing started to happen. After that I started to have really low self esteem, and I started staying in and eating more. It never became a huge problem until after high school.

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Ok, then there is the moment you started talking to yourself in the wrong way.Intelligence as we know holds no colour. Intelligence is wonderful. You have to stop looking at yourself through THEIR eyes and stop using THEIR words. See? You are letting a bunch of fools win. Kids in middle school are inherently cruel and it happens to us all. Do not make it a life long injury. Maybe try a life style coach?

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Ok, then there is the moment you started talking to yourself in the wrong way.Intelligence as we know holds no colour. Intelligence is wonderful. You have to stop looking at yourself through THEIR eyes and stop using THEIR words. See? You are letting a bunch of fools win. Kids in middle school are inherently cruel and it happens to us all. Do not make it a life long injury. Maybe try a life style coach?

 

I still hear it. Im in college being told the same thing. I couldnt afford a life style coach, I am working, but all of my income goes towards paying for school.

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Stop listening to things that are not true. Tune them out. Seriously idiots are not worth listening to. Find one thing every day that you like about yourself and is positive, look in the mirror and repeat it till you believe it. Visualize that you ARE that quality. Remove the bad words and replace them with GOOD words.

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I have a very good idea of what u are feeling cuz i feel that way too. My self esteem is shot, i've tried meds but didn't feel much difference except feeling doped up. I attempted suicide but it failed and i won't deny it, the idea creeps into my head a lot.

 

I have this feeling that i am damaged goods because i am disabled and not attractive. i am very reclusive and anti social because i feel if i mingle with the crowd i may get judged, embarrassed or teased. Childhood sucks at times but it sucks more when ur disabled because kids can be mean little bastards, i know this from experience. The stares, the laughs, the "what happened to you" questions really cuts deep so yes i admit its easy just to hide away. But how long are u willing to hide away and suppress ur life? Why should u have to compromise ur happiness? DON'T DO IT GIRL! Honey let me tell u, as i said earlier i'm not attractive i have buck teeth, i look like a skeleton and i have a hole in my neck. I also have a severe curve in my spine called scoliosis so i need to wear a brace or else i cannot sit up. i also use a respirator to help me breathe easier and u know something i absolutely hate it...but i cannot control my condition and yes i ask God constantly why am i like this but i am tired of asking why... All i can do is try to look past my problems and be happy. A lot of people tell me to get out and ofcourse i don't listen but let me tell u, when i finally do move my a-- and get out i feel much better and the thing is its not like i am going to nightclubs/bars or crowded places i just go outside and find a comfortable spot and i sit there and relax. It doesn't sound like much but its very refreshing and peaceful. I'm very nocturnal so i like going out at night but if u prefer the daytime then that is good also.

 

This weekend was terrible, i cried and really felt like s--- but today i am feeling a bit better so i would like to try and share a few ideas with u. As far as trying to please people only do it if they appreciate it and can do the same for u. I had to learn years ago and i am still learning that if people don't like u then its their damn loss. As for looks and u feeling fat or unattractive i totally get that cuz i ain't no Tyra Banks...however looks will only get u to a certain point in life. U can look like a Goddess but if ur brain is mush then what do u have to offer? As my idol Judge Judy says: "Beauty Fades But Dumb Is Forever!" So u got some meat on ya bones who are u hurting? Its ur meat and ur bones and if u wanna lose it then girl do ur thing and if not then STILL DO UR THING! Don't live ur life trying to please others or because society says u gotta be a size 2. LIVE UR LIFE AND DO U!

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Hmm, i'm a guy but i've also had some of the similar problems you have... I like to eat a lot and smoke pot. The pot could be the thing that is making you lazy and just more depressed.. for me, I would be depressed and stressed out so I smoked pot.. It made me feel good for a little while but, ultimately just made me really tired throughout the day. It also made me gain weight because I had the munchies all the time and wasn't exercising.. For me, marijuana was and continues to be my way of self medication, it could be that way for you too im not 100% sure. I would reccomend you talk to a counselor they would be able to give you great advice on what to do about your depression.. One more important thing, those meds don't work if you smoke pot while taking them, I know from experience. They just make you more depressed and crazy then before if you mix them. people really need to be aware of this. Mixing medication and pot caused me to have nervous breakdowns and rage fits.

 

as for finding a counselor.. not every person may be the right one for you. I too have seen many therapists and it took me 3 or 4 different ones before i found the right one. You may need to see a psychiatrist or some kind of mental health professional that is different from a couneslor. Ask your primary care doctor what she reccomends and tell her exactly whats going on with you. dont be ashamed to tell her your smoking pot, its not her job to get you in trouble.

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I've been on meds for five years, Ive been smoking for maybe 1 year but Ive only been smoking seriously for maybe 5 months. I gained an extra 20 pounds in Feb from extra heavy smoking(what I call a drug binge) and lots of Dominos.

 

I have used it to self medicate especially because I stopped taking my meds maybe 2 months ago. Once I get my health insurance back I plan to talk w/ a doctor to be recommended for some type of counseling

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I wish you good luck.. I too am in the process of waiting for health insurance and being able to go back to counseling for the same reason.

 

It's going to be a tough road ahead, having a drug problem and a depression problem is an even tougher condition to get over than if you just had one of those. I guess doctors call it a "dual-diagnosis" or something to that effect.

 

In the meantime, I would reccomend you jog everyday you aren't busy. The first day just do 2 minutes.. the next do 5 minutes.. then 10 minutes.. do 10 minutes for the next 3 days of jogging. whatever is comfortable for you at first start slow, then work your way up.

 

Jogging is a great way to feel good and lose weight. I guarantee if you do at least 10 minutes a day for 2 weeks you will lose 10 lbs. And if you go everyday you will work your way up to 30 minutes in no time and you will love it and be feeling good at the same time.

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Yeah, that is part of my problem, I dont find the treadmill and elliptical fun, it just very boring. I like yoga, but I know I need real cardio to lose weight. I took a weight lifting type of class once, and I liked that. I tried a cardio class, but I couldnt keep up and I satrted to feel really dizzy, and sick, so all of that definitely discouraged me.

 

The up side to the machines is that you can watch TV or video, or you can listen to books. I need to find something absorbing, then I'm less aware of how much time is passing. I build up the work, I don't start with too much of a challenge or it's too discouraging. Sometimes I promise myself I'm just going to do it for a while and I'll keep it easy, but then something snaps in my mind and I'll become motivated to work a up a long and nasty sweat.

 

Point is, it's a 'just do' thing--you don't have to love it. Reward yourself for every time you do it, and soon enough you'll start to feel places in your body getting thinner and harder. THAT will fight your boredom pretty quickly. Every step will bring you closer to losing a problem--the pants that don't button, the shirt that's too small, the bra you can't wear anymore...

 

I also agree with the people who are telling you to drop the negative self-talk. It's bad enough to hear garbage from bratty kids, but you don't have to join them. We've all been hurt by people, we just don't see that about everyone else. It's about what you DO with it. Some of us are just too stubborn to let negativity win, and that's a decision you get to make at any time.

 

When you start being kind to yourself, you'll find that the wisest and highest parts of yourself come through to comfort you like the best friend you always wanted. The strong mind is then 'allowed' to coach the vulnerable emotions, and you start to become kind to other people too. This enables you too see the fragility of all people--even the people who've been so hardened by their own suffering that they need to try to make someone else feel like 'less' than them. Your own self kindness gives you insight into people you never thought you'd own, and it matures you and pulls you out of harm's way.

 

Your gentlest, most encouraging voice is your real one--and it's as tough as Teflon. Once you listen to it, all the petty stuff can't touch you. It's the biggest gift you can give to yourself, and it will teach you how to love and be loved.

 

In your corner.

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