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Are those deal breakers?


1MoreChance

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1) smoker

2) past frequent recreational use of hard drug (cocaine) - (addiction?)

3) still living at home

4) high school drop out, has "tried" to go back a few times (don't know how seriously) and eventually always quits or gets expelled for missing too much.

5) poor general culture (cannot have a basic conversation about books, films, politics, social issues or historical topics for example. I mean a basic general culture. I am not talking having to be an intellectual who is completing his third doctoral thesis - lol).

 

this is pertaining to my ex (except the 1st one, but I still want to check what you think). It is not a new date. But I wanna be prepared for the next one. With my ex, we fell in love, it was magical, we had great chemistry, we had good conversations at first - he has poor general culture, but enthousiasm and curiosity, OR an immense desire to please (to be loved) which I may have MISTAKEN for curiosity and interest on his part.

 

I think he is a good person, but I don't know if the things above should have been considered deal breakers for me.

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Only you know what are and aren't dealbreakers for yourself. I posted a topic on compatibility a little bit ago and in it I said that the more serious the relationship the more compatible you and your partner must be in order to make a real go of it.

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seriously...past drug use? can i ask why? the key word is 'past'.

 

Seriously.... ya!!!! what's with the seriously?

 

I didn't say he tried it a couple times when he was experimenting with recreational drugs, I said frequent use. I just never found out how much of a problem it actually was (ie addcition). he did tell me that he abused it. meaning used it a lot and felt bad about it. I also know that when we broke up, he went back to it and told me about it, explaining that it was a way of dealing with how distraught he felt.

 

I hope that clarifies the context.

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Is all of this in the past?

 

What is his plans for the future?

 

I would have to say with this information I would not date or see a future for myself with this person.

 

Well, he actually started smoking when he goes out to bars (last I spoke to him, a few months ago, he told me this). he has used coke too. still at home. just got expelled from adult high for missing too much class. general culture hasn't improved much, lol.

 

I realize as I come out of my denial, how poor of a judgement I have when it comes to choosing a mate. A life partner... one of my problems is that my father was very abusive to my mom and to us children. My mom left him when I was 6. My father was a very intelligent, cultured person. he was also very manipulative, abusive and controlling. I think that choosing men such as my ex gave me a sense that I was safer, that I wouldn't be controlled and abused. I am terrified of dating men who are more educated and closer to my age (I tend to go younger) because I am absolutelly terrifeid of being abused and controlled and that they will play mind games with me and destroy me. I know it makes no sense because I am an adult now. Yet this is how I feel. By choosing guys like my ex, I feel ironically safer in a way. But it was also very unfulfilling and made me feel like we had no future.

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What's wrong with living at home? With the economy the way it is nowadays, a lot of people are losing jobs AND having to move back home to survive.

 

Living at home is fine by itself...as is smoking in my book.

 

But living at home, smoking, high school drop out, past drug use....they add up to be a horrible deal breaker.

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Living at home is fine by itself...as is smoking in my book.

 

But living at home, smoking, high school drop out, past drug use....they add up to be a horrible deal breaker.

 

you forgot poor general culture

 

I don't know why but I am totally cracking up. am I coming out of my insanity????

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Seriously.... ya!!!! what's with the seriously?

 

I didn't say he tried it a couple times when he was experimenting with recreational drugs, I said frequent use. I just never found out how much of a problem it actually was (ie addcition). he did tell me that he abused it. meaning used it a lot and felt bad about it. I also know that when we broke up, he went back to it and told me about it, explaining that it was a way of dealing with how distraught he felt.

I hope that clarifies the context.

 

This tells me he is playing mind games with you, ever heard of the expression "sugar Mommy" when you start to go for younger guys there are a good possibility you may end up with one of them instead of a person that is really in to you if I can call it that.

 

You don't need to be intelligent or old to be "controlled and abusive".

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you forgot poor general culture

 

I don't know why but I am totally cracking up. am I coming out of my insanity????

 

Maybe you just thought he'd change. I'm one of those people. If I were a doctor, I'd fall in love with all of my male patients.

 

A lot of people (especially women) have this draw towards damaged goods men thinking that they can fix them. Most women love badboys because they secretly want to change them. It's not because they are controlling. It's because it'd be an honour to be that ONE girl who was such a good person, they you were capable of helping someone so far off.

 

however, you have to learn self preservation. It's not your job to make someone;s life better. Only your own. Pick partners who are full people. Don't try and produce whole people. It never works.

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Wow the above list is tempting, however, i'd have to decline.

 

I'm done with smokers too. I used to tolerate it but seriously it is even more nasty than having them still living at home.

 

Ed Norton i'd make an exception for.

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Maybe you just thought he'd change. I'm one of those people. If I were a doctor, I'd fall in love with all of my male patients.

 

A lot of people (especially women) have this draw towards damaged goods men thinking that they can fix them. Most women love badboys because they secretly want to change them. It's not because they are controlling. It's because it'd be an honour to be that ONE girl who was such a good person, they you were capable of helping someone so far off.

 

however, you have to learn self preservation. It's not your job to make someone;s life better. Only your own. Pick partners who are full people. Don't try and produce whole people. It never works.

 

 

so true, thanks

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My family calls that "slumming it". Going for a partner who you not-so-secretly feel superior to in certain ways (education, level of culture, habits, income, whatever) and feeling like it is going to be a open and shut deal because of it.

 

Maybe you learned a good lesson or several from it though, so it's not all in vain.

 

You don't strike me as someone who has near the list this man does and it would have been quite obvious from the start that there was some serious compatibility issues here.

 

But it felt "safe" because you felt like you had some control - only it turned out to be an illusion. Bottom line is we CAN'T control how other people are going to be and all the outcomes; we can only try to make good sound decisions and find the strength in ourselves to know we can deal with whatever comes up.

 

I seriously think this could be a real turning point for you. Yay.

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This tells me he is playing mind games with you, ever heard of the expression "sugar Mommy" when you start to go for younger guys there are a good possibility you may end up with one of them instead of a person that is really in to you if I can call it that.

 

You don't need to be intelligent or old to be "controlled and abusive".

 

 

part of your post I don't understand and the corrolation you are making between what you marked in bold and the mind games / sugar mommy comment I don't understand either... what do you mean, mind games? I think the oly way my ex played mind games was that he would try to mold himself into what he though others wanted, to be liked and accepted.

 

about the sugar mommy I don,t think that was it lol... I did tend to go younger when dating in the last few years, but I've had bfs of younger, same age and older (one 9 years older, and one 17 years older). I look a LOT younger than my age and I am young at heart too... but the other part of it is what I already explained. sometimes it felt safer to go younger. I do think that highly intelligent people can be more controlling and manipulative...

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thanks so much. it was an illusion. I had such strong feelings for him and I ended up feeling out of control and unsafe - how could such an unstable partner add stability and security to my life? in the end, I must first find stability within myself. that is one of the things I learned for sure.

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The part I marked in bold, lets me to belief "he thinks you will feel sorry for him" would make his case stronger for you to take him back.

 

I think being "controlling and manipulative" is something we learn to be as children and only evolves and gets stronger as we get older.

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