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Rabican
Learn English Via Listening | Begin...
Learn English Via Listening | Beginner Level | Lesson 6 | My First Pet

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Im 29, fiance is 30. We have been together almost 5 years now with a small break a few years ago where we split up. Got back together, this past November we had a baby... cutest little man ever.

 

Now I am generally happy with her. Shes a good person, pretty, funny, smart etc. However lately she is driving me insane.

 

We dont do much, I dont have a lot of money after I pay for all of my bills, her bills, and the little guy. So we cant afford to go out all the time. But theres still plenty of stuff we can do, go to the beach, the pool at my apt complex, go walking, play tennis etc. I work 10am, to 6pm daily, and a few hours on saturday. It seems like all I do is work, and come home. I can rarely get her to do anything lately besides eat, and watch tv. We dont play board games, we rarely get out to walk etc.

Now I could handle doing the stay at home thing BUT lately she has just been on the attack over EVERYTHING. Staying in is one thing, but staying in just to fight with the person who accuses me of not wanting to spend time with her is well... not really making me want to stay in the house.

 

 

If I leave a dish out, attack. If I dont pick up my socks, attack, if I dont do the dishes, attack etc. etc. Anything she can find, she points out that I did it wrong, or didnt do it right, or didnt do it at all. I go into the bedroom, and theres piles of her clothes everywhere. clean, but still piled all over. empty dishes left around, clean ones... but still not put away. I dont say crap about it, Im willing to let small things go.

 

So anyways, earlier tonite after I got home from work around 4pm, I brought her home food and agreed that If I spent the extra money for takeout I would go and ride my Mountain bike for an hour when I got in. Well when I wanted to go it was a guilt trip about me not wanting to spend time with her or my son. So I said ok cool Ill stay in, I didnt yell or fuss about it, I just stayed it. I asked if we could go walking, she says yes after this show. Afterwards, she keeps putting it off, and then finally an hour later accuses me of nagging her (cant remember her exact words) about going. She doesnt want to go now. I said fine Let me take little man. Nope, didnt want me to go either. So I say fine, Im home were not doing anything.. I started cleaning. Doing laundry, picking up clothes in the bedroom, sorting out stuff to take to goodwill that we dont wear anymore. The whole time shes just giving me attitude, and * * * * * ing about anything I do or say.

A few minutes later I asked if she was going to eat the steak in the fridge, I got it a couple days before and didnt want it to waste (filet mignon) so she accuses me of giving her a hard time simply because I asked if she wanted dinner.... I dont remember her exact words here but she was being quite rude over me asking her a simple question.

I made a comment about how we cant keep fighting (really it was her fighting) and her response was that she would just move home. Now keep in mind were supposed to be getting married this August. So I pretty much blew up, asking her how the hell were gonna last 5 years of this, or even 5 months if this keeps up, let alone the next 50 years. Told her that Im not perfect, but to keep riding me about everything I do wrong and get no thanks for helping out is rediculous. Also pointed out that how can she expect our marriage to work if every time I say something she doesnt like she threatens to move home.

 

She really didnt have a response to any of this but we did end up having a civil evening afterwards.

 

Man that was a lot longer than intended... I could really use some help on just how to deal with this mood lately. I want to make things work but honestly... if Im signing up for 50 more years of beratement and her threatening to move home Im going to just tell her to go.

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I have just checked a few of your threads about your fiancée and it seems to me that she is very controlling and bordering abusive. I think you need to assert yourself more often and tell her that you will not tolerate her behaviour. Tell her there are three choices: either she mends her ways, you go to counselling or the relationship is clearly not going to last.

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I have just checked a few of your threads about your fiancée and it seems to me that she is very controlling and bordering abusive. I think you need to assert yourself more often and tell her that you will not tolerate her behaviour. Tell her there are three choices: either she mends her ways, you go to counselling or the relationship is clearly not going to last.

 

I wouldnt say that she is controlling or abusive... and I didnt mean the thread to come off that way. I am defiantely NOT playing the role of doormat, I did that a long time ago and found the best solution to it was to send her packing. We got back together sometime later after that.

 

I think if I were to sum it up, I would say that she is very high strung.. little things set her off whereas little things dont bother me. I have more important things to get upset about than the dishes ie making sure I have the rent paid, or groceries in the house.

 

Shes just so... hot or cold. One day shes super emotional crying about something from way way back, or the next minute shes angry about something.

 

I did tell her earlier tonight though that if this keeps up we are not going to make it. I think we can both see this, because it seems like lately more and more she is unhappy with me being... well me. I dunno... Im just at a loss. We dont have the money for counselling. Im not sure she would even do it, like I said above, any time I try to confront a problem her response is "Ill move home then and you wont have to deal with me anymore". Which doesnt solve the problem.... it just moves it to another state.

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after reading your long post, it seems to me like you are a provider, and a very good person, but i believe she is acting such a way because she is bored all day doing the same things and since you are not home all day when you come home, she needs attention, and i know you must be tired, but she wants your attention. offering to talk a walk, etc is your way of showing her your affection, but she probably have other things in mind. you should talk to her and ask her what is it that she wants and have a chance for you to tell your side and work out a comprimise.

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wow. Women like this bug me. They think they are entitled to everything. I have found it very hard to find a man like you. you seem to want to spend time with her and DO something. but she doesn't seem to care.

 

Like someone else said, she is probably bored all day from staying home. BUT that is no excuse. If she kept the house clean etc, you wouldn't have to do that. You go out and earn the money and pay the bills, she can at least keep the house clean.

 

That nagging that she does and attacks you all the time is completely uncalled for. More than likely that will get worse with time....

 

I know that things aren't probably all rosey etc, but i wish women like these would appreciate things more instead of wanting everything on a platter. Sounds like she did good in finding you but doesn't treat you right. There are much bigger problems than if you didn't pick up your clothes. its like 'oh boo hoo', who cares! Why create an argument over that. she sounds hypocritical too. Tells you off for something and then does it her self.

 

You might need to go see a councelor - - - is there any 'free' type services for that if you can afford? Because if your getting married in Aug and its like this now, do you really think it will get better? By her giving the response she will move home, seems like she doesn't have much interest in it working out. Aug isn't that long away, you'd think she be so excited about a wedding. Are you relgious/go to church? If so sometimes they have people you can talk to and offer councelling, they free.

 

maybe ask her what she wants. really wants. does she want to be with you and get married. you also have a son to think of. by the sounds of her behaviour now, seems like she would be the ruthless type to get custody if you cant make it work.

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Someone who gets bored because they stay at home all day are responsible for alleviating that boredom themselves and do not have the right to take out their frustration on their partner. That seems like an unfair expectation to place on someone - "I get bored and because you don't entertain me I am going to make your life miserable".

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She may be suffering from post partum depression which can really kick in around 6 months after birth.

 

It can manifest itself as anger and irritation (an 'angry' or 'anxious' depression) rather than just sadness. Her lack of energy and your description makes me think she might be suffering from some of this and need an evauation at the doctor.

 

Lack of sleep can also make people exceedingly cranky, and it could be related to that if the baby isn't sleeping through yet.

 

If it keeps up, i'd suggest you attend counseling or tell her she needs to get evaluated for post-partum depression. It is more common than people realize, and can be treated wtih medication.

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Yes, if she has always been like this, it may not be post-partum. But then it could be an angry/anxious depression that she has always had that needs treatment.

 

or she could just be a not very nice person. i would suggest you try to get her to go get evaluated, and go from there based on what you find out.

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Rabican -

I think she needs to see her doctor. Your relationship honestly sounds a lot like mine and my bf's. I was very anxious all the time, emotional, up and down, getting angry over stupid things all the time, you name it. (Except I work, not stay at home with our five year old).

 

I finally went to my doctor as this had been taking a huge toll on our relationship. He put me on Lexapro and it has made a huge, huge difference. Not that drugs are always an answer but it sounds like before the relationship ends, she needs to find out if she's clinically depressed, or if there's something that can be done.

 

In her better moments, does she acknowledge she has a problem? Would she be willing to get checked out, if you can afford it?

 

I also think that her staying at home probably isn't helping. It really can make someone go nuts. It's very difficult to be around a baby all day long with little adult company.

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Yeah, it's definetly hard to keep your sanity while staying at home.

I actually went back when my baby was 4 months old. We didn't really have the financial means for me to stay at home with the baby; but heck I was glad to be out of the house as bad as it sounds.

 

Can she subscribe to clubs? mommy and baby activities to keep her occupied maybe?

Did she mention wanting to go back to work?

 

If the others mentioned that she was always like this before the pregnancy then I'm not sure it will help but hey =)

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A really interesting thing i've noticed is that mothers who are forced to go back to work due to finances really are upset they have to go back to work and want to stay home, and mothers who stay at home frequently resent that they're trapped at home with an infant and don't have enough intellectual stimuation, money, and adult companionship.

 

so be careful you don't get stuck in a case of the grass is greener. there are so many high emotions running related to the whole children/work dilemma, that you can fall into that trap because it is human nature to resent doing anything we don't want to do. And it becomes a cosmic issue rather than put in proper perspective because of the 'political' nature of the work vs. children debate.

 

So stop yourself and remind yourself that all of life is tradeoffs, and you never get exactly what you want all the time. There will be less personal trauma if you try to keep it in perspective rather than turning it into a dichotomy, and telling yourself you SHOULD be home and resent not being home. Frankly, you shouldn't be anywhere, because life is a constant open set of choices made sometimes because you want them, and sometimes because survival requires certain decisions.

 

You basically saying you should be entitled to be a stay at home mother becuase it is the 'right' thing to do. Actually, throughout history that isn't the usual or 'right' thing. children were raised by grandparents in the home, or younger children in the family because the parents had to work so hard and long just for survival. So the truth is you actually have it very easy in modern times in terms of the amount of leisure time you get to spend with your children, even if you do work.

 

Make a list of the positive things that one gets from work (money, mental stimulation, adult conversation, intellectual stimulation, a balanced life) etc. Remind yourself there are lots of really good reasons to work, and right now you are in that new mother infatuation phase with your son, driven by a lot of bonding hormones, and that will pass.

 

You will always adore your son, but recognize that you don't need to sit around staring at him all day to be a good mother. Over obsession with 'baby love' has produced many a neurotic child who is spoiiled and perceives themselves as ruler of the world, so just try to keep it in perspective and realize that most infant care can be performed by anybody and they are just fine.

 

And they always remember who their mother is, so don't worry about that at all.

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Thanks for all the replies... Sometimes I do wonder if she has depression... my dad has/had it and sometimes I see the parallels. One minute she will be happy, and the next super sad.. I joke sometimes and tell her that shes my firecracker. One minute idle, the next BOOM.

 

I talked to her on Sunday and told her that we really need to work on this issue because it doesnt bode well for the future if were always sniping at each other now. We talked about it, and are going to work on not nit picking each other and communicating better etc.

 

Well have to see what happens...

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OK, I've read your post and a few other replies. May I firstly say that you sound like a good man and a good provider. She sounds unhappy, maybe she is bored. I am a bit snappy to my boyfriend actually and am a bit of a moody person, but obviously I have my good points, I think I would be going out of my head if I was at home all day with a child. I think she is maybe stuck in a rut and needs to get out more, hobbies, other interests. Does she have any friends that come over. She is taking these things out on you as you are the closest to her and I'm afraid that with us women, we do tend to walk all over a man who is good to us (which is so wrong! don't ask me how it happens! lol). She is just moaning constantly it sounds like, there must be reasons for that. I think you need to have a long calm talk with her, away from the house, get a babysitter and go out, maybe go out and get drunk together, that would be fun and it would give you a chance to open up a little and talk.

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