Physical fight with ex-boyfriend

[Anna.]

I cannot believe this. I cannot believe I am in this situation. We broke up almost 2 weeks ago, but we see each other everyday. We lived together and have a small child who we are her only childcare providers.

 

First, he has not been up to par this week on his daddy duty. I talked to him Wednesday evening and he was on cloud 9, but then when he came to watch her on Thursday he was tired, ill and irritable. When I got home Thursday, she was in the high chair. She had a bloated diaper and stuck on poop. I had to give her a bath, even though he had given her one earlier in the day b/c it was bad stuck on, like it had been there a long time. And he not been putting cream on her all day, so she had a rash.

 

So I sent him a text after he left saying, I knew he had taken a bunch of pills wednesday night and that's why he was so ill and inattentive on Thursday. He comes to watch her yesterday, he's ill and tired again. But he leaves with her (I let him b/c he was going to his mothers where his mother would be able to watch her) and he calls me and says he felt much better and he had just been depressed and not felt well recently (a bunch of crap, he probably got some pain pills).

 

He had her last night. He brought her back this morning. This afternoon I realize he forgot her shoes. So I go to his mom's to get them. She's not there. He's partying with some dopehead friends of his and he's drunk. He hasn't drank since September because he's a very VERY bad alcoholic. He quit for the sake of our family and the baby. I am upset and I say "are you drunk?" He says, "so what if I am?" and gets incredibly defensive. So I say, "thats fine be a dopehead and an alcoholic," but told him he wouldn't see his daughter ever again. He starts calling me horrible names, so I slapped him (I know it was wrong, but he's standing in front of his friends degrading me while drunk, my emotions got the better of me). He chokes me on the hood of my car. His friend grabs him. I walk back over to him right up in his face and punch him as hard as I could square in the face. I just felt like 2 years of putting up with his crap all came out at once. He has choked me and pushed me before, but I've slapped him before as well. Honestly I haven't ever actually been scared of him. I've always felt like I can hold my own if necessary. Anyway, one friend grabbed him, the other grabbed me and I left.

 

I am in shock. I never want to see this man again. I know what you guys are going to say--We both suck. I know my emotions got WAAAAAY out of hand, but it's like we break up and he's taking pills and drinking immediately. That hurts me soooo bad. Doesn't he care about our daughter more than that? He has an older daughter as well. The first days after our break-up he kept saying he felt worthless that he couldn't make it work with me. (This is his fourth 2+ year relationship and every other woman he's been with hates him w/ a passion, it's my first) But he had still been taking care of our daughter and we've been getting along fine, he's actually been pretty good to me and really good about her and with her up until Thursday, when it all went to hell.

 

I am really just venting I guess. Please don't attack me, I need constructive thoughts. I am sooooooo hurt that he can just say screw it and give up on sobriety like that. And that he has that much anger in him to treat me that way.

[DN]

Reading this it seems that you were the instigator of the verbal abuse and the aggressor with the violence. I think both of you need to learn to control yourselves much better than you are, and even if you are separated, counselling to learn how to get along without threats, verbal abuse and physical violence would be a good thing - for the sake of your daughter if for no other reason. You are lucky you are not in jail.

[Maya_A]

He's probably just so hurt over your break-up more than angry. Not that it is "right" or good by any means of course, but he likely started drinking after your break-up because it was extremely painful for him.

 

As far as "treating you that way", I'm not criticizing you but merely pointing out that you treat each other a certain way, equally. He may be just as upset at your treatment of him. I don't think it was a good idea for you to say to him that he would never see his little girl again, either. That is a powerful & horrible statement. And particularly not said to him when he was in a drunken state.

 

I don't think he is purposely trying to do anything to you personally by his drinking. It is about himself and his pain. Yes, it is a selfish thing in one way (it affects the little girl) and I'm sure it hurts you, but again - it is more likely that the drinking has gotten out of control as a result of him feeling overwhelmed more than him nonchalantly throwing away sobriety.

 

Relationship break-ups are sheer h*ll for people without addictions so you might imagine how tempting such an "escape route" might be for someone like him.

 

Don't get me wrong - I am not defending his drinking by any means in the world. I am only saying that perhaps you can view it with more compassion & in a different light than you have been. That doesn't mean you accept it or leave your daughter with him just now, but that you can be a little kinder in your interactions with him. After all, you already saw first hand where anger & 'hate' bring you... And I'm sure he feels badly enough about himself & is beating his own self up for "falling off the wagon"...

 

You say he has been really good to you & has stayed sober for a long while prior to your breakup. That seems to speak to how much he cares about you & your child & that should count for something at a time where he has now lost his relationship & is struggling.

 

I also think for your daughter's sake & her best chance to know a sober father - your compassion now, or at the very least if you can't manage that, non negativity (& neutrality) in your dealings with him would go a long ways in helping this....

 

I truly hope he has a good sponsor & can get back on track...

[hers]

You should never ever try to reason with a drunk person. They can't make sense of anything and you're only asking for frustration and sometimes something worse.

 

You instigated this. You need to learn to walk away. I feel very bad for your daughter. Please try to set a better example for her in the future.

[Anna.]

DN and hersmudders, you guys have no clue what I've been through supporting this man's getting clean and chasing him around making him accountable for 2 SOLID YEARS. I wasn't ugly when I asked if he was drunk, I was emotional. But he got defensive like I had no reason to be upset at all. I admit that I let my anger take over, but I am not a horrible person. I'm a good mother. And what hurts is that I feel like he is screwing our daughter over and it breaks my heart. I feel like if I walk away he doesn't take the situation seriously. He brushes it off later unless I say what i feel in the moment. But we are broke up, and I should have been able to walk away but I didn't. I know I have to control my emotions better.

[hers]

My point is that you tried to reason with a drunk man, meaning while he's drunk. There's no success ever in that. You should've walked away and next time you should walk away, even if you're angry and hurting. But it'll only drive you crazy if you try to reason with crazy. Don't do it.