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First Date Great, Second Date ok, now what?


NorthDallas40
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Some of you might remember my on-again/off-again experiences with Maria and though we are currently "off," she still gets in touch with me to profess her love and there may be a future for us at some point.

 

Until then, I'm keeping my options open.

 

To wit: I DJ'd at a club last week, this girl Jane initiated conversation after my set, I bought her a couple of drinks, got her number and we went out on a date exactly a week later.

 

We had dinner, went bowling, went to a bar for a few drinks, then to another bar where her friends were. I felt completely at ease, she seemed to have a good time, conversation was effortless and she laughed A LOT. She told me her friends thought I was cool, I drove her home, walked her to her door, gave her a kiss on the lips (which she accepted), and I said I'd love to get together again. She agreed and I told her I'd call her soon, which made her smile.

 

This successful 5-hour date led to our 4-hour date tonight, two days later.

 

We met at a comedy club and had a great time. Afterwards we went to a bar and had a glass of wine apiece. Over the next couple of hours we had good conversation. Even though she had to be up early we stayed until 1:15am. I walked her to the car with my arm around her to keep her warm and it all seemed good.

 

Until I gave her a good night kiss.

 

At this point, she tried to give me her cheek but wasn't fast enough, so she gave me a very quick peck on the lips, pulled back and laughed it off as if to say "Uh yeah dude I'm not really into you like that."

 

I didn't flinch, but halfheartedly said "Hey I had fun we should do this again sometime," and she said "Yeah, definitely."

 

But I don't think I'm going to bother.

 

Admittedly we have a few differences. She's Christian, I'm not. I'm vegan, she's not. I'm 39, she's 24. But she didn't seem to be bothered by any of those points, and we're very similar in other ways. Still, there didn't seem to be the right physical chemistry.

 

Now I wasn't expecting us to jump into bed on the second date. But I figured that if she made time for two dates with me that there would be at least SOME sort of physical attraction on her part. But if there is, I'm not feeling it. She was ok with me putting my arm around her but she didn't really reciprocate anything physically, nor did she seem to make any big effort to dress up on either night. Both of these are big red flags despite her willingness to spend a lot of time with me.

 

So do I just blank her, or do I give her a call to confirm that she doesn't want to take it further, let her know I'm cool with that, and we can just be friends? I feel like doing the former. But I feel that courtesy would dictate the latter.

 

Thoughts? ](*,)

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I've never felt obligated to be a date's 'friend' if things didn't work out. If things didn't work out, I've always chosen to blank the girl, no calls or texts etc. No point to them - I always felt it was subliminally understood that no further contact was needed.

 

Other than that, my only advice to you is for future dates, to keep them under 2 hours. A 5 hour first date, follwed by a 4 hour second date, only two days later - that feels rushed. I don't want to use the word 'desperate', but I think that timeline is too much too soon.

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That would be all I'd need to hear to move on to other options, especially if that's exactly how she said it.

 

No, she said nothing like that. That's just the impression I got after I tried to kiss her. In reality she just giggled and smiled.

 

As for keeping in touch, I wouldn't mind being just friends with her. She's cool and cute but I don't have anything invested emotionally. I just know we'll run into each other from time to time at the place I DJ. I'd prefer to have our cards on the table and interact normally from here on out, rather than have awkwardness and potentially have her badmouth me to her friends because I stopped calling.

 

Luckily I met another cute girl the same night I met Jane, and though I didn't get her number we actually flirted a lot more in 20 minutes than Jane and I did 10 hours. Here's hoping she shows up to my DJ night this Wednesday!

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Thanks for the feedback everyone. Today I took the advice of a female friend and texted her: "I had a great time last night Jane. Ring me if you'd like to do it again!"

 

It's courteous, but I clearly put the ball in her court if she actually is still interested. That works for me, and I can put her out of mind.

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What do you make of this, ENAers?

 

Jane showed up at a club night tonight that she KNEW I would be at, and in fact told me she thought I'd be there. She had 3 girlfriends & 2 boyfriends in tow. She introduced me to the girls; the guys showed up later. After some chitchat, I avoided her the rest of the night... but made sure to dance with some of my cuter female acquaintances instead. At last call, Jane walked over to say goodbye and give a hug.

 

Coincidence or something else?

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What do you make of this, ENAers?

 

Jane showed up at a club night tonight that she KNEW I would be at, and in fact told me she thought I'd be there. She had 3 girlfriends & 2 boyfriends in tow. She introduced me to the girls; the guys showed up later. After some chitchat, I avoided her the rest of the night... but made sure to dance with some of my cuter female acquaintances instead. At last call, Jane walked over to say goodbye and give a hug.

 

Coincidence or something else?

 

The two of you are confusing me, to be honest.

 

From the way you described your first two dates (up UNTIL the goodnight-kiss-gone-wrong), it sounded like you were really into her and that feeling appeared to be mutual.

 

Now, as far as that kiss goes...the first time my boyfriend and I kissed, it was just a peck and he had an odd expression on his face when it happened, which threw me off. The second time we kissed, it was also just a peck and he showed no signs of wanting anything more or being excited by it, which threw me off even more. In the end, it turns out he was really nervous because he was so into me, and from that point on our kisses became more passionate and frequent.

 

So, I wouldn't read too much into that YET. At least, I wouldn't as long as everything else seemed to be going fine on your dates.

 

As far as the club thing goes, the fact that she said she thought you'd be there shows that she probably went there just in the hopes of seeing you. If she really wasn't into you and didn't want to see you again, she'd have avoided going there if she thought you'd be there.

 

It's strange that she didn't call and say, "Hey, are you going to be at _____ tonight? I'd love to see you!" But maybe she'd just planned on hanging out with those friends and that's why she didn't call. Or, there could be many other reasons.

 

And, the part I bolded from your quote above, you said you avoided her. Well, not only avoided her, but danced with other women. If anything, that made you look like the one who's not interested. If you were avoiding her, it was probably more obvious to her than you think...

 

Sorry for the long analyzation, I'm just trying to cover all aspects of what I can see in this. If you like her, I honestly don't think you should throw in the towel quite yet. I think a lot of it can be chalked up to misunderstanding and misreading nonverbal communication. But, as you said, you're seeing red flags and feeling uncomfortable about it...so it really depends on what you really want to do. In the end, there's no right or wrong answer, just what makes you happy.

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Wow - thanks for the analysis! I guess a little clarification is in order.

 

Overall, I don't think we'd be compatible in the long-term because of the differences I mentioned, but in the short-term I'd be very happy to date her....

 

...IF she showed more interest, that is.

 

When I saw her at the club, she talked with me a bit, but seemed content to close ranks with her friends without really paying much attention to me at all. I felt either I was being tested or she genuinely wasn't interested. So my feeling was that it was time for me to stop making the effort to chase her, let her know that other girls are interested (or at least more enthusiastic about me) and let HER do some chasing. Which she didn't do.

 

At this point, I'm really not worried one way or the other, just curious. But she knows I'm DJing this Wednesday, and I wouldn't be surprised if she shows up. Stay tuned.

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...IF she showed more interest, that is.

 

So my feeling was that it was time for me to stop making the effort to chase her, let her know that other girls are interested (or at least more enthusiastic about me) and let HER do some chasing. Which she didn't do.

 

 

Is chasing the ONLY way for her to show her interest?

 

Are you sure she's not a little on the shy side? Even if she's an outgoing person, she could be shy in terms of relationships (that's the way I am), and that may come off like she's not as interested in you.

 

But also, if I'd gone on 2 dates with a guy and ran into him at a club, I would be incredibly turned off if he avoided me and danced with other women but didn't even offer to dance with me. Some people buy into that game (the "I'll make you jealous by showing you I could have other prospects" game), but not everyone does. So there's a possibility it was an ego bruiser for her to see you dancing with other girls, which may, in turn, have caused her to make less contact that night.

 

Anyhow, though, you don't sound too keen on forming a solid relationship with her anyway. If you really don't see any real compatibility, there's nothing that says you can't call it off now when it's early on in the dating process.

 

It's just that your description of the first two dates sounded as if you were having a great time...hmm.

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I had my DJ night tonight and not surprisingly, Jane showed up fairly early with her friends. Like usual, we chatted a bit and she said she'd been really run down and tired for the past few days. Then I DJ'd the rest of the night, she danced with her gf, and she left at some point without saying goodbye. I'm pretty sure I can move on from this girl.

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