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First time - any advice?


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Alright...this is super embarrassing for me, so I might not explain what the problem is properly. Just try to bear with me. And I'm sorry that it's so long - haha, if you really want to save time, just skip to the questions at the end



Just a little bit of background - I was raped about 10 years ago, when I was 11 - I've never had sex since then, it's just too scary for me. Anyway, I've got this really good friend that has supported me through trying to deal with what happened, etc. He's awesome. About a year ago, we started talking dirty - it was pretty mild at first, but it got progressively more detailed. I always enjoyed it, and kinda wished that it was real...but I'd always thought he was joking about it - I've got massive self-esteem issues.


Anyway, for uni, we have to travel to a different city on Wednesday and Thursday nights...this week we were staying in the same hotel, and a few days before, he was telling me about how he was gonna come to my room and we'd have sex. I thought he was being serious, but whenever I tried to talk to him about it, he'd say something along the lines of "Yeah sure, whatever" or "Maybe we'll do it...see how I'm feeling". On top of that, when Wednesday and Thursday nights passed without anyone coming to me room, I was positive he had just been joking around.


We were texting each other Friday morning before we had to check out of the hotel, and I jokingly invited him over. By this time, I was so certain he'd been joking, I wasn't really even expecting him to come. But he did...after about 5-10 minutes of talking, he asked if I wanted to do this. I said yes (because I did want to do this with him) but when he got up and started closing the blinds and stuff...I just panicked. He said he wouldn't make me do anything I didn't want to do, and if I didn't want to do this, he would just go back to his own room :sad: He said the ball was in my court, and what happened next was up to me. When I still didn't say anything, he left.

Just a few minutes after he left, I calmed down and asked him to come back, but he wouldn't - said that I shouldn't talk like that if I don't really mean it


Alright...my reasons for posting:

  • I feel so bad about it all! I did mean it! I feel so bad that he seems to think I led him on, or that I don't like him. Me panicking had nothing to do with him, it was just a few minutes of "What the hell am I doing?" Is that normal for someone when they're about to have sex for the first time, or am I just a freak?
  • I'm not even too sure how to talk with him about it - he seemed surprised that I didn't know he was serious, but it's so hard for me to think that anyone could be even remotely attracted to me! Especially someone that knows about what happened when I was a kid...I've always felt like "damaged goods" because of it. And this guy is awesome - he's smart, funny, kind, handsome...he could have any girl he wanted, so why would he want to try sex with a * * * * up like me?
  • I just don't know how to talk with him about it...he's not exactly easy to talk to sometimes. I tried last night, and he just said it's not a big deal...maybe we'll try some other time. It's a big deal to me! He was gonna have sex with me, I panicked and now I feel really guilty about it - like I led him on for nothing. At least when we talked last night I managed to tell him some of what was bothering me - I was scared of the fact that sex was a definate...he's promised that next time we'll just try some foreplay or something and see what happens. I think that's a good idea - it takes a lot of the pressure off...I'm just scared now that he might not stop if I ask him to. I mean, I'm almost positive he would, but if he didn't...given all of my issues, it would really screw me up
  • I also don't think this is going to be a dating kind of relationship - just a friends with benefits kind of thing...I think I'm ok with that...but I just don't know how those kind of relationships work. Can anyone help me out there?
  • And is it ok to have sex for the first time with someone who's just a friend? I guess there's always the stereotype that your first time should be with a boyfriend/girlfriend, but I love and trust this guy a lot - he's one of my best friends...is that still ok?


Alright...I think I'm done...sorry again that it's so long

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Oh sweetie, I am so sorry for what happened to you. And you ARE NOT A FREAK!!!! You have gone through something extremely traumatic and it's normal to be so scared about sex. I was molested as a child and sex with a new person is still hard for me.


Let me tell you a few things: first, if this guy was so amazing, he would not allow you to be feeling guilty. He would not act like you just did the worst thing possible by being afraid of sex with him. HE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED!!! If he was so understanding, he would not be basically calling you a tease. Second, have you told him how hard this all is for you? Maybe you guys should work on building an intimate relationship (as opposed to a friendship) before you jump into sex. You need to be comfortable in this situation before you take that step. And he should completely understand, especially since he knows your back ground. Thirdly, it is completely normal to feel nervous or afraid of the first time. For anyone! It's a big step. Give yourself time, please. Don't rush yourself into something for someone else. Fourthly, you are NOT, by any means, damaged goods. What happened was not your fault. Maybe you need to try talking to someone (if you haven't already) because sometimes dealing with it on your own is just not enough. It's a hard thing to overcome but it CAN be overcome. Do what you need to do for you, ok? Try to talk to him and, if he ends up being difficult, maybe you need to take some time apart and try to feel better about yourself before you take this step.


It takes time to heal but you can heal. Let me know if you ever need to talk, ok?


One more thing: friends with benefits is a nice concept but it's not for everyone. I personally can't do it. Sex is a big deal to me and if I'm having it with someone, we are in a relationship... that's how I feel personally. Maybe you need to really think about whether or not you can do the friends with benefits thing...

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I don't think you'd be able to handle a fwb relationship. It takes a lot to detach emotionally from that sort of situation, and considering what you've been through, it may be even harder for you.


Also, it irks me that he got pissy with you after you didn't answer him when he came to the room. Like he's in it only for the poon and doesn't have a lot of respect for you or what you've been through (based solely on his reaction).


I dunno, something about this guy and the situation tells me that it may be best to wait till you find a relationship to be in. Honestly, even though I've been able to pull fwb situations off in the past, I certainly wouldn't want to lose my virginity in one. Just me though.

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I completely agree with chickadee. You should NOT be feeling guilty for "letting him down" by not sleeping with him. Assumingly he has had sex before, so this isn't a huge deal to him; just a good time. This is a huge deal to you. This would be your first time willingly having sex, especially with what you had to go through when you were 10. Don't feel like you should have done it because he was disappointed. He can just live with it.


I think you would find sex much more enjoyable if your first time is with someone who is more than just a friend. You don't really know what FWB is like until you've experienced it, and it really isn't that great. It sucks to develop feelings for someone because you are physically close to them, while they are only doing it for the physical pleasure and the moment they detect you are getting attached, they will run for the door and you will be hurt. Not a good way to start off this part of your life!


I really think you should wait until you start dating and be in a relationship with them. It is so much better when it is about your love for each other and not just about the sex. If this was the right guy, he would want to take you on dates, hold your hand, ask you questions about who you are, introduce you to his parents as his girlfriend. But he isn't. All he's suggesting is sex. And he is so ambivalent about it; you can't even tell what he wants because he isn't up front with you. Pass on this one! You will have sex. Just make it with someone who wants to be with you; not someone who wants only sex.

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It's not a good idea to let a "friend" talk you into having sex. The exact same thing happened to me it was not a good idea. There's no rush! Especially given your past.

I also thought I cared about and trusted the first guy, and I thought he cared about and trusted me, but when my feelings got the better of me and I wanted to commit to him he wouldn't have me. So I really felt totally unappreciated. He was more invested in my body than me. After it was all over, I also felt like "damaged goods" especially now, several years later. Now that I have a boyfriend who loves me and treats me how I want to be treated, I feel like I've cheated us of that connection because I threw it away on someone else. I would be careful if he's saying "it's no big deal" if he knows about your past he should also assume that he needs to be really careful. It sounds like he just wants to have sex. I believe you should wait. Wait til he understands what you're giving up for him, wait til you know that you're ready, wait til you find someone better, someone you won't have any doubts about when you go to bed together.

Believe me you are not "damaged goods" because of something that happened that was out of your control. You deserve the same care and respect as every other woman.

Just wait.

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