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Not sure what to do, if anything


Fionnuala

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A few weeks ago I moved into a house with four roommates. I didn't know any of them before, found the house on craigslist, but I love living here and they're all great roommates. I live with three guys and one other girl. One of the guys (we'll call him J) is married to the other girl (we'll call her C), and they own the house.

 

Like I said, I really like everyone, and J and C are wonderful landlords as well as roommates. But J sometimes makes comments about my looks or personality that I find a little inappropriate. For example, one day I was wearing a shirt that said "Everyone loves an Irish girl" and he said, "Yeah, especially when they're built like you." And he's made other comments about me being hot. The other night we were all hanging out in the kitchen with some other people and he looked at me and I just smiled and he started to say, "I think I'm in love," but stopped himself halfway through. He then went on to say that I'm the perfect girl and talking to me makes him wish he were 10 years younger (he's probably 15-20 years older than I am, I'm not sure).

 

Now, almost every time he makes these comments, his wife is around and she doesn't seem to care, so it's not like he's hitting on me behind her back or something. He's flirted with other girls who come to our house too, but it happens more with me because I live here. And mostly I think it's harmless, I don't think he'd do anything, they seem to have a very good relationship. I don't feel like he'd try to do anything inappropriate with me, I'm mostly very comfortable with him. So it doesn't seem like it should be a big deal, but it kind of bothers me, and I don't know if it should? I feel like I shouldn't think anything of it, but at the same time it seems really inappropriate for him to make comments like these to me when he's married. Am I overreacting? And if not, should I say something? I could really use some outside perspective. Thanks!

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Goodness! If you feel uncomfortable and you are paying to live there then you should say something. You can be direct or you can be subtle. Personally, if he made a comment about me I would jokingly say, "Wow, I would punch you in the face if you weren't married." Perhaps that is NOT sage advise but I'm sure if you said something like, "I'm sorry...what was that? I don't speak sketch ball." That would put an end to it.

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He's just gauche. Practice your stony stare and feel sorry for his wife.

 

ps: does everyone really love Irish girls?

 

Thanks for the advice guys. I actually have a pretty great stony stare and am usually not at a loss for things to say when a guy says something inappropriate to me, but in the past it's always been random guys I'll never see again or someone I don't have to see that often. I'm kind of at a loss of how to shut down someone I live with and have to see every day without being too * * * * * y.

 

And yes, of course everyone really loves Irish girls.

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Update: Yesterday was J's birthday and we had a party. While drunk, he came up to me (while C was there) and put his arm around me, and started talking about how much he loves me, then proceeded to say to C, "I'm trading you in." This is the first time she ever really reacted negatively to one of his comments about me, and she was like, "Hey! You can't trade me in!" It somehow then turned into a joke about polygamy. Anyway. Later that night, he jokingly invited me into his bedroom, then laughed and made sure I knew he was just kidding. I was like, "You know, you better be careful, because one day I might just move out." I said it jokingly, but hoped it would be enough to let him know that I really wasn't okay with his behavior, and it seemed to work. He apologized, but then proceeded to say, "You are f'in hot though." So...whatever. That was the last time he said anything like that to me last night, so I hoped that maybe I'd put a stop to it.

 

Then earlier today, he was out doing errands, and he called me. Normally he just calls if he's out and needs to ask me about something for the house or if I need anything or whatnot, but this time he was apparently just calling for the hell of it as he was just telling me about the errands he was out doing and talking about the party and how it had gotten out of hand and he didn't like it and blah blah blah. Then he goes, "Don't tell anyone I said this, but you're the girl I wish C was. I mean, I love her and I don't want to change her, but she's a little wild for me, and I wish she were more like you. Having you in the house keeps me sane." And he went on about she's kind of controlling, but she loves him to death, and some other stuff about our other roommates and stuff. I didn't really know what to say, so I just kind of listened.

 

I'm pissed off though. I feel like saying that to me is completely crossing the line. If he isn't comfortable with me repeating something to his wife, then he shouldn't be saying it to me. I feel like that goes beyond playful flirting and into dangerous territory. I talked to my dad about it and he thinks I need to say something because if I don't it'll probably just keep happening and I'm starting to feel really uncomfortable. But I don't know how to approach it or exactly what to say. I really just wanted to hide and cry when I got off the phone, I'm so pissed that he's even putting me in this position.

 

Any suggestions of how to handle this?

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I'd be looking for new accommodation. I'd say poor wife, but that's her business. I'm sorry he put that on you, what a guy!

 

I really don't want to look for a new place, because otherwise this place is perfect for me. The roommates are great, it's an amazing house, and it has a dance/music studio upstairs which, as a dancer, is a rare and awesome thing to find. So I'd like to find a way to resolve this without having to do that. I'm hoping that maybe if I directly tell him he's making me uncomfortable, he'll probably stop, because he isn't a bad guy generally. I'm just having a hard time figuring out how to do it.

 

But you're right, if it keeps up, I'm going to have to leave. I felt like it when I got off the phone earlier. I went for a walk so I could talk on the phone to my dad without anyone else in the house hearing me, and when I got back and J was there, I could barely look him in the eye. I'm so annoyed, because this has been a great place to live so far, and I'm mad that he's messing it up for me.

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I understand. I just think with them owning the house it makes it more difficult to negotiate anything, plus I wouldn't want to be dealing with their relationship. Approach him by all means, be direct and make it clear you will move out if he doesn't respect your wishes. Good luck.

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So, it looks like I'm going to be moving out. I ended up exploding at him Sunday night and it was bad. He basically turned the whole thing around on me and told me I had misinterpreted things and he loves me like a daughter. Which I know isn't true, but whatever. He told C what happened, and she basically told me that she's okay with him flirting because she likes girls too and she flirts with them too. And that it isn't his fault and it isn't fair of me to judge him. Whatever. I left to spend the night with a friend, because I wanted some time to cool down and think about things. I told them that, but they keep calling and texting me. I've decided to stay away for a couple more days, and have since received texts calling me mean, a liar, vain, and judgmental, and saying that I am being unfair because "all he ever did was try to be nice to me."

 

I was really hoping this could be resolved, but at this point I don't think it can, just because of their reaction and the way I've been treated since it happened. All he had to do was apologize for making me uncomfortable and say he wouldn't do it anymore, but instead it's turned into "make Fionnuala out to be a crazy devil woman." So I don't see how I can live there anymore.

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Learn English Via Listening | Begin...
Learn English Via Listening | Beginner Level | Lesson 23 | House

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