Calling the ex

[biacd]

So it's been roughly 6 months since my ex and I broke up. Messy break up. Real messy - mostly due to me being unable to come to terms with the break up. I was the dumpee. We had a 4 year r/s going on.

 

Did things I wasn't supposed to do, etc. NC on and off. Guess I made her feel betrayed somewhere between the 3rd - 4th month (did some really bad things). Decided to go NC since, and been in full NC for nearly a month now.

To everyone who's in pain: NC works. NC lowers the chances of your ex hating you. NC lowers the chances of your ex having negative thoughts/emotions towards you.

 

NC gives you a higher possibility of getting your ex back (or rather, it does not reduce the possibility of getting your ex back).

 

 

I learned all these the hard way. Be wise, learn from the mistakes of others.

 

 

As for myself, I have come to a point where I have come to accept the fact that I may never get back with her. To be honest, I would be lying if I said that I do not ever want to get back with her. But I have just come to accept that fact - Fine if I don't, Great if I do (of course the old problems would have to be straightened out first).

 

 

 

I feel particularly inclined to call her today. If I get an unfavorable response from her in any way, I feel would be fine after a couple of days. What do you guys think I should do?

 

 

Should I go ahead and make the first move?

[spook]

No. You'd only be going against your very own advice which you took the time to write in bold lettering.

[biacd]

No. You'd only be going against your very own advice which you took the time to write in bold lettering.

 

Touché, spook .. touché :splat:

[vertigoxo]

I wouldn't contact her if I were you. She might still have negative feelings against you. May I ask what are the "bad things" you have done to her in the past?

[the-nighthawk]

 

To everyone who's in pain: NC works. NC lowers the chances of your ex hating you. NC lowers the chances of your ex having negative thoughts/emotions towards you.

 

 

By what are you knowing this? By the contact to her in the meantime?

[Aeryn]

I think the obvious answer has already been stated a couple of times.

[Cnstnt Evolutn]

Im in the same boat as you buddy. Im the Dumpee, went NC been there for about 3 months now. More time is still needed for me to fully recover and become the guy that was not phased by anything - the guy when we first met.

 

But she dumped me so its her loss - why should we make the first move. I think if they wanted to talk or something they would get in touch with you. It sucks to have to keep waiting, all the while thinking that they forgot about you, but they didnt - they just may still be reeling from the break just as you are or i am.

 

For example, i had a great birthday yesterday - and theres no way my ex would forget it, yet i received no happy birthday from her lol

 

Whatever the reason, i can only speculate - still has a bit of negative feelings maybe, or didnt want to string me along - who knows, only she knows why she didnt wish me one.

 

bottom line - NC must continue, i dont think its ready to be broken. Regardless if it is ready though, I WONT be the one to break it.

[Brownstone322]

No. You'd only be going against your very own advice which you took the time to write in bold lettering.

No he wouldn't. He didn't say "NC forever"; he suggested NC long enough to get oneself straight, to where one is prepared to handle the situation, which none of us are in the "panic stage."

 

Biacd, if you really feel as though you're composed now, that you can deal with the situation as a mature adult, that you can cope with the possibility of failure, then go for it. You've spent your time on the hill. (But only you know if it's been enough time.)

 

Treat it like asking a girl out for the first time. Maybe you crash and burn, but maybe she was waiting for you to ask one day.

[spook]

No he wouldn't. He didn't say "NC forever"; he suggested NC long enough to get oneself straight, to where one is prepared to handle the situation, which none of us are in the "panic stage."

 

Biacd, if you really feel as though you're composed now, that you can deal with the situation as a mature adult, that you can cope with the possibility of failure, then go for it. You've spent your time on the hill. (But only you know if it's been enough time.)

 

Treat it like asking a girl out for the first time. Maybe you crash and burn, but maybe she was waiting for you to ask one day.

6 months into a break up. He spent 5 months doing 'negative' things and just one month in NC. It's not nearly enough.

[Brownstone322]

6 months into a break up. He spent 5 months doing 'negative' things and just one month in NC. It's not nearly enough.

That part I agree with, he hasn't been away long enough, especially after all the additional damage he was wrought.

 

But he didn't really dwell on the time factor, not in bold; he simply related that "NC is good," which, no doubt, it is.

 

After a while -- and it's hard to say what a "good while" is -- he should be able to deal with the situation. The point of NC is to get one's act together, no to outlast the other person. But, yeah, I think his act still needs plenty o' work.

[biacd]

That part I agree with, he hasn't been away long enough, especially after all the additional damage he was wrought.

 

But he didn't really dwell on the time factor, not in bold; he simply related that "NC is good," which, no doubt, it is.

 

After a while -- and it's hard to say what a "good while" is -- he should be able to deal with the situation. The point of NC is to get one's act together, no to outlast the other person. But, yeah, I think his act still needs plenty o' work.

 

 

I think I'm going to have to go with you on this one - that I still need more work on getting my act together, before contemplating on anything else.

 

Personally, I do not think that NC has a "time frame" per se. It depends more on how much progress you have made on yourself rather than how long the NC has been going on for.

 

 

Thank you all, you guys have provided great insight on this matter.

 

 

[biacd]

By what are you knowing this? By the contact to her in the meantime?

 

 

Nighthawk,

 

It is by MY personal experience

 

 

 

By the time I knew I was causing additional damage, I knew it was kind of too late to do anything more.

 

Had I started doing NC in the first place, I would have been unable to allow my emotions to cause this damage.

 

Oh well, people learn from their mistakes.

[agtc]

What if they're with someone else already and everything seems rosey on his end with his new love? Maybe I just refuse to understand that it really is possible for someone to think about you regardless if they're with someone else or not. My ex seems unaffected. He showed me indifference and is continuing to express these signals (strict NC on my part for almost 4 mos now).

[FriendnorFoe]

good post, totally agree with everything you stated nc stands for, I think if you are in a mindset where you wont come of as wanting her back then it would be fine to call, just ask yourself why you are calling, I feel like there is nothing wrong with some harmless chit-chat if you wanna see hows shes doing, depending on the terms you guys are on.

[JuneBug]

agtc,

 

I'm totally with you there. My ex seems happy with another person, and even though I have no personally witnessed it, I continue to beat that image into my head because it seems ridiculous that he would even think about me when he's happy. It's also been almost 3 months of strict NC for me. I am entirely skeptical that I ever crossed his mind, and I wonder how long it will be before I completely recover from this. Getting back together seems nearly impossible since I often feel like people get back together when at least one person is being immature (when a person acts on loneliness, jealousy, etc). But in this case, neither of us are reckless and we're both pretty logical people--so I feel like there's no hope for us...ugh such a depressing thought that I have to live with right now.

 

*sigh* If it has been long enough--say 6 months to 1 year NC, can you still make an effort to take things slow, talk again, and ask to try again?

[biacd]

Well, after a couple of days of thinking whether I was emotionally ready to call the ex, I decided that I would go ahead and do it.

 

Called her, and she was surprised that I would call out of the blue.

 

Said I called just to catch up, but she was busy at the moment, so she had to go.

 

 

 

I handled it better than I thought I would have. I was a little disappointed that we couldn't chat for a bit longer, but I know that I wouldn't die from it either.

 

In the past, I would have just felt desperate and needy and depressed and died.

 

 

 

At least I got a little satisfaction from the fact that I've come to a point where I'm able to handle such rejections with little to no "dumpee emotions" (and maybe a small reminder to her that I still exist on this planet, I guess I'm evil).

 

NC served it's purpose! I will be embarking on another bout of NC now, not because she rejected me, but because I want to get to an even higher level of being able to handle such rejections in the future.

 

I hope it's inspired some of those who are in pain!

 

Remember, NC does not have a time frame per se. It depends on how much you have achieved. Once you feel that you have reached a certain point where you feel you are ready to break it, you can do so. Don't do it just to outlast the other. It's not a competition.

[biacd]

A quick question to you guys:

 

Thought of following up the call yesterday with an email, hope I won't come accross as too clingy/needy.

 

 

Here it is:

 

 

Hey ________!

 

I'm really glad that we're civil again, after the call I made yesterday.

 

How's school? Are your exams approaching? Seems that way, since you were studying when I called.

 

Regards,

 

biacd

 

 

 

 

Should I send it? Thought I should seek some comments from fellow ENAers before I make a potential damaging move.

 

If it's ok to send it, should i rephrase the email?

 

 

Thanks in advance guys!

[nomorelovish]

I wouldn't send it. You just called her very recently. By immediately sending an email right after you're essentially coming off as needy. She knows you're thinking of her because you wouldn't have called her otherwise. No need to repeat it in an email.

 

Just wait for a little while before trying to contact her again.

[biacd]

I shouldn't?

[1MoreChance]

no. when you called her after a whole month of NC she was "too busy" to talk. it seems she doesn't want to talk to you. you are coming off as desperate. maybe she angry at you and feels it is better for her to stay away? you said you did some really bad things as the result of the break up. another poster already asked what you did and you didn't answer. care to share?

[becca0194]

I would not send it either. Sorry, I know it sucks to hear that when you are wanting to send it. You called after 1 month of NC and she rejected you. Even though you handled the rejection "better" this time, why subject yourself to that again?

 

I am on day 46 of NC. I am doing it in hopes my ex sees it as I am standing on my own two feet again. The main reason I am doing it because everytime I contacted him and he didn't respond it was so hurtful. I am making the conscience choice not to cause myself pain with NC.

[biacd]

no. when you called her after a whole month of NC she was "too busy" to talk. it seems she doesn't want to talk to you. you are coming off as desperate. maybe she angry at you and feels it is better for her to stay away? you said you did some really bad things as the result of the break up. another poster already asked what you did and you didn't answer. care to share?

 

 

 

Well, we all know what us dumpees do when we get dumped - we go into survival mode.

 

We beg, we plead, we apologize profusely. We've all been there. I've been there.

 

 

After the 1st week I stopped all the begging and pleading, etc. I started formulating "game plans" in my head. I started to go into defense mode. We all know mind games are a sort of defense mechanism (or attack, either one).

 

I tried to make myself look more desirable. I acted as if I was ok with the break up. I did a lot of things. I wanted to appear as if I had moved on.

 

 

 

 

She didn't see it that way. She thought I was being manipulative. She felt that I had changed into somebody I wasn't. Someone undesirable.

 

Looking back, I guess she was right. But I was not myself at that time.

 

 

 

Come the 3rd - 4th month. I happened to gain access to her email account (I know, I know, but who could resist?). She was telling her friends what an ass I was, how manipulative I was, how I was "acting cool", etc.

 

At that point in time, I decided that I have had enough of all these games. I decided that I would respect her decision and let her go, so I initiated NC.

 

Had I left it alone at that time, she wouldn't have known that I had gained access to her account!

 

But as mentioned, I decided that I would go NC, and that meant not checking out her FB, not gaining unauthorized access into her email accounts, etc. I had to lose the ability to do so.

 

I decided to email her. The contents of the email implied that I had access to her account, since I referenced some of the stuff from the email between her and her friends.

 

 

 

This made her feel betrayed, and she was extremely hostile towards me.

 

 

Looking back, I wish I could have turned back time and not have done all these. But it sure taught me a valuable lesson. I guess we all learn from our mistakes. If it didn't happen, then I wouldn't have learnt from it. So in a way, it might have been a good thing. I can honestly say that I am a much better and more mature person now, compared to the past.

[Brownstone322]

I decided to email her. The contents of the email implied that I had access to her account, since I referenced some of the stuff from the email between her and her friends.

Good god, man ... unbelievably dumb.

[biacd]

Good god, man ... unbelievably dumb.

 

 

Tell me about it. But at that time, my mind wasn't working.

 

:S

[1MoreChance]

Good god, man ... unbelievably dumb.

 

The dumbest one is the one giving his or her password away.