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No intercourse because of constant pain...


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I am so sexualy frustrated that I'm nearing my breaking point with myself and her. We have been together for nearly 2 years and are/were engaged to be married. When we first began having sex it was amazing, wonderful. We couldn't get enough of each other. Only a couple of months afterward things in the bedroom started to decline to the point that it's now been nearly 8 months since we had sex from start to finish. Ya we've attempted to have sex numerous times but each time she seems to lose intrest more and more - simply assuming the position and asking me to " hurry before it starts to hurt ". That kills me and "it" everytime to where I can never seem to finish no matter how hard I try.


Ann had surgery related to cervical cancer when she was just seventeen and ever since she has had scar tissue build-up that affects both her pleasure and mine. Pain and discomfort for her, pleasure because of the added tightness for me. Ann was again diagnosed with cervical cancer and had a full histerectomy ( minus one ovary ) to have it removed again. That was 2 months ago and nothing seems to have changed even though she is nearly healed. She seems to have completely lost ALL intrest in sex of ANY form and I have been left to satisfy myself. To put it into perspective for the last 8 months our daily routine hasn't changed - we still undress in front of the other, shower, sleep naked etc. My desire for her hasn't dimished at all and I feel like I'm being forced to watch her threw a thin pain of glass. "Look but don't touch". The loneliness, the incredible frustration is just getting to be to much to bear. I love her with all my heart and very much want to marry her but I don't know how long I can go on the way we are. We've recently experienced our worst fight ever, literarly to the point where I almost moved out. Please what do I do? I can't leave her because of it but I also will never have any peace in my relationship until it is resolved? ANY help or advice you can give is very much appreciated....


Frustrated in MN

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Sorry to hear your situation. I'm no doctor (and you should both see one, maybe a female sex specialist, they are out there), but it seems that given your history of good sex in the past, her operation at 17 is window dressing on a deeper underlying problem. Best wishes.

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This happened to a friend of mine. She said it changed everything after the second operation. She said sex turned to pain, and wasn't enjoyable anymore. I felt so bad for her. To have something like that taken away must be hard to deal with. I can tell her bothers her greatly too.


I would talk to a specialist, and see what can be done. I'm sure it's hurting her just as much as it's frustrating you.

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Dude, she had the big C, for cry eye, give her a break! I have heard that hysterectomys can sometimes majorly alter a woman sexually. If you can't accept this you should not stay because this is not a procedure that she can have reversed. I would think you would be more concerned with her prognosis than your own personal satisfaction. In the long term there may be things you have to do to your sex life to make sure you are satisfied which is something you can research and/or see an expert about. Maybe right now just focus on her well being and making sure she is out of the woods. After that you can focus on whatever needs to happen in order to have own your personal needs met.

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She needs to consult a doctor and tell them that she has pain during intercourse and lack of desire to see if there is anything they can do to correct any problems she has...


She can also take hormones to replace what she lost in the surgery in order to get her sex drive back.


Also consider counseling to talk about this... you are too young to have a sexless marriage, when there are perhaps solutions to this, either medical or through counseling.

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You both need to start researching doctors who specialize in pelvic pain, specifically -- both locally and nationally, if you can afford to do such. There are clinics and doctors that focus on women's pelvic pain, as a sub-specialty of gynecology.


The care you should be seeking should include:

1. An M.D. who has a large practice dedicated to pelvic pain disorders in women

2. A pelvic pain physical therapist (ideally in conjuction with the above doctor, as a referral); they have various techniques to help stretch and work with scar tissue; google pelvic pain and scarring, there is a lot of information out there

3. A sex therapist who can discuss ways of communicating in the bedroom, finding alternatives to intercourse (i.e., outercourse/foreplay [fallatio, fallatio, fallatio!!]), ways to make intercourse more tolerable and finding intimate and romantic ways of pleasing eachother both sensually and non-sexually so that you remain close, physically and emotionally; therapy should also focus on the strain, drain and grief you are both experiencing as a result of this ordeal, so it would also function as couples therapy


If she has had her uterus and an ovary removed, she has reduced production of testosterone, which is the "libido" hormone even in women. So you should discuss with your medical team the importance of addressing her lack of libido from many angles, not just the fear of pain issue (which kills libido like nothing else), but also you might want to consult with them and/or a reproductive endocrinologist who can measure her testosterone and make sure hormonally, she is functioning optimally.


If you can find support groups through medical referral or researching this in your area, that would also be of great benefit.


Finally, I suggest she see a therapist on her own, preferably someone the rest of the team I've outlined above can recommend as having experience with this kind of problem, because this is likely causing depression for her, which in and of itself lowers sex drive. Having to lose your female organs at such a young age (especially if she had wanted children), having the shadow of cancer over her, not feeling "whole" as a woman anymore, having something pleasurable become painful and not seeing that (or knowing how) it will change, and knowing this affects her ability as a lover would be an extremely depressing situation. I think she should have someone to privately talk to about this, in addition to couples therapy and if she needs anti-depressants to help her through until this resolves, that should be looked into as well.


You sound like a really good guy, and I hope you stick through this with her. I feel for your situation.

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sorry you find yourself in this predicament, and i feel bad for her.. however its not fair for u to suffer the consequences also..have she compromised to satisfy you in a different way?? Theres more than just vaginal pleasure ,u know?? Are you both willing to have fun in a different way?? are U??..Is sex very important for u , in a relationship?? If you answer yes, and her answer does not match yours, well there u go!..In my opinion theres soo many ways to satisfy a woman..are both of u open to this, is the q??

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