I'm damaged goods...

[Red_Dove83]

I know it sounds dramatic but the fact is i am damaged goods. I try not to look at myself that way but when i see myself i cannot help but cringe and turn away...what's wrong with me you may ask, well here goes.

 

I have a neuromuscular disease i was born with called spinal muscular atrophy which is progressive and has caused so many problems i'm surprised i am still alive. No i cannot walk, hell i can't even dress myself, wash myself or take care of myself i need to rely on nurses. I'm so damaged that doctors can't even fix me. My lifestyle isn't normal and that's just one of the things that depress me and drive me nuts. On top of it all i'm HIDEOUS. I look like a monster and i hate looking ugly because it scares people away especially men. The only good thing about me is my heart, kindness and loyalty but in this world it means nothing if u aren't normal or beautiful. As any normal female i want to have a mate that can trully love me and appreciate me, but unfortunately that cannot happen for me. I have learned that there isn't a man in this universe that can possibly have romantic feeling for me, so i decided maybe its best that i just try looking for friends rather than romantic partners.

 

In mid february i started a cyber friendship with a guy who i really connected with. We emailed every day, talked on the phone sometimes and texted. I immediately warned him that i was an ugly damaged thing but yet he still kept in contact with me saying it didn't matter and he liked me. We met on April 2nd and i was nervous expecting him to run away the minute he saw me but he didn't. The meeting went great and he said he enjoyed talking with me in person and seeing me. After hearing this i was on cloud 9 and thought i really found a guy that i can call a real friend. However i was wrong. A week later i noticed he was behaving different and when i asked him what was up he said that he was sorry but seeing me affected him in many ways and that he didn't mean to hurt me. Now he doesn't respond to my calls, texts or emails and it hurts me so much because i trusted him with my heart. I told him things i won't even tell my family not to mention i was a good friend to him and never asked for anything from him accept to be a friend to me. So now i keep asking myself what the * * * * ? Why did i have to be so damaged that i cannot even have a male friend? I don't hurt people i mind my own business and stay out of trouble, i don't know what i did to deserve this curse. But hey its like they say, accept what you are and since i am damaged and disgusting i need help learning how to accept that and the fact that i will never have a man as a true friend let alone anything more.

 

I'm open to any suggestions/ideas...suicide suggestions are welcome too.

[lavenderdove]

I don't mean to minimize your condition, but it is true that many 'normal' people get dumped as soon as they meet someone too. They can talk for a long time online and really think there is something good there, then meet once and suddenly the other person isn't interested and drops contact with them.

 

So what happened to you is not uncommon with lots of people meeting someone they first knew online. If you read this board, you will find many many instances of people so disappointed that they thought they had something going with someone, only to get dumped right after they meet the person.

 

The advice i give people who have this happen to them is that you should always try to meet whomever you are talking very early on in person, before you invest a lot of time and energy just talking or emailing, because this happens so often.

 

On a practical side, have you tried finding any support groups for people with similar medical issues and tried to make friends there? Even if it is not the exact same disorder that you have, they will have a great understanding of what you deal with and perhaps more empathy as well. One usually finds friends among those with shared interests, so whatever interests you have, try joining any clubs or groups or online chats.

[charity]

please... stop telling yourself and others that you are ugly and horrible and disgusting. if you keep repeating it to yourself you are going to do yourself so much more damage and your lovely sweet personality will become bitter and angry.

i believe that personality always shines through. focus on your good points. tell them to yourself every day. tell them to others. a worthy friend will come along and in the meantime, you will feel happier in yourself

[Red_Dove83]

Thank u for the advice i appreciate it very much. I don't know what to do i've tried talking with people in my situation but i still feel as though i'm damaged. I try to be confident in myself but it doesn't change what i am and it never will. I know it sounds crazy but i look at people that are normal and envy them because they are perfect in my eyes. I don't feel like a human being i feel like a mutant/monster/freak that nobody likes. Yes i have people taking care of me but that's cuz they're getting a check, they don't give a damn about me. I really have no clue why i'm here, i'm not wanted or needed by anyone so what gives?

[waveseer]

There is definitely a reason why you are here. Overcoming your current mindset would be inspirational to so many down and hurting people for starters. Do you see a mental health professional as part of your treatment plan?

[lavenderdove]

I think you need to ask yourself what good these feelings do you... by that i mean, when you dwell on thoughts about being 'damaged' or envying other, you're just making yourself feel bad when it would be better for you to say, 'it is what it is. now, what can i do with myself today to feel better and enjoy the day.'

 

The condition you have may not be experienced by lots of people, but those feelings of self hatred, envy, wishing things were different are very common among all people. Even beautiful people can have terrible self esteem and feel ugly or worthless if they had terrible childhoods and formed a negative image of themselves.

 

You can't change your physical circumstances, but you can change how you feel about it, or how much time you dwell on it. One of my favorite sayings is you can't always change the circumstance, but you can change how you feel about it and what you do about it.

 

So perhaps you need to work on just accepting that what it is is what it is in terms of your physical state, but what are you going to do today to stimulate your mind and get some enjoyment out of your life? Everyone's life is about how you spend your time. And you can spend your time being angry and upset that you don't have certain things you want, or else spend you time trying to maximize life and enjoyment and accomplishments.

 

So just try to shift your focus a little off trying to be like others or envy others, and instead look at your goals. If you want friends, they can be found, online, in support groups etc. If what you want is for people to like how you look or totally accept your condition, sadly, many people can't or won't do that. But you can find those who will accept you as you are. So accept that some people aren't up for it, and some will be, but you have to keep looking.

 

This board is full of people who are sad about being rejected in some form or another, so that also is a universal dilemma. So what you are feeling is universal. Try to look for commonality with other people, rather than focusing on your differences. Your physical existence may be different, but everyone is struggling with emotional issues.

 

Have you gotten personal counseling? I would try to find support groups and start attending one or get a counselor to talk about these feelings. It might be very helpful for you.

[Red_Dove83]

I have talked with a counselor and i currenty see a psycologist once a week. It helps sometimes and then sometimes it doesn't. I just began writing in a journal, someone suggested it may help writing my thoughts down rather that keeping them bottled up. I was put on meds after a suicide attempt back in December but the pills don't do anything except make me feel like a doped up zombie so i stopped taking them.

 

As for other things, i write, draw and listen to music and while it suppresses my bad feelings it doesn't make them go away. I have sleepless nights at times due to these thoughts and i know it sounds wacked out but its like i hear this voice in my head saying "ur trash, no matter what u do or how nice u are u will always be trash" and then i start crying. I try not to cry cuz i know its silly and won't change anything but the tears just come out.

[lavenderdove]

Most people have to step thru quite a few antidepressents until they find the one right for them. So rather than just stopping taking them, you need to tell your counselor they are not working and try something else.

 

Also, have you told your counselor about the 'ur trash' voice running in your head? there are exercises to do to help build your esteem and sense of self and replace those 'bad' voices/scripts running in your head with good ones.

 

Do you have any pets? They can be great companions and can teach one to love life as it is... It's impossible to be feel down for too long with a loving pet around! You need to try to come out of your own head and quit thinking about what you don't have, and start living more in the moment, and finding things to make your moments happier. I've learned a lot from my dogs in terms of accepting life as it comes they way animals do. They never tell themselves they're trash, just go about finding what next thing they want/need and are happy to just 'be'....

[wanttobehappy]

Could be bad suggestion, but how about online games? the MMORPG one.

It helped me through depression, not really curing, just to pass the days, gave me objectives, distracted my muddled mind.

 

Edit: I hope you don't take as offence, I mean well. Online games mean physical aspects are not important. That is if you want friendship. When you are stronger or happier, can leave the game.

[teressa]

I'll say this. I am not normal looking. I have several disfiguring marks in prominent places. I have an illness that makes me less active and more home-bound than others my age. I'm not a pretty woman or a normal one. I'm definitely damaged in ways that make it hard to find partners.

 

I date men like me, who are not normal. I have more in common with someone who has restrictions on their life...who doesn't look normal. I've had no problem meeting men who are unusual like I am. Most of them have the same issues, feel like they are damaged goods too. They understand.

 

I've dated a vet who was missing both legs (and was only attractive in an unconventional way) as well as a man who had been burned badly in a fire, and had a lot of scar tissue on his arms and face, and a guy who had spina bifida, among others who were unusual in some way.

 

All of these men were able to overlook everything weird about me. The guy I'm dating now is more "normal" but, balding, older, not active or social, and suffers from depression. He and I understand each other in ways that some rock-climbing, motorbiking, gadabout would never understand.

 

You need to find someone who can connect with your heart. In order to find that person you have to look at people who also need the same thing. I don't consider it a lowering of standards to look past the brad pitts of the world and try out the guys who are more... unusual, different, "damaged". I'm strange looking. I like strange looking people because they see past it, to the inside.

 

Stop trying to date average guys. They won't get it. They haven't been there and they don't understand. Look around for guys who have that in common, that they're different. Those guys get it. (most of them)

 

After dating a bunch of these unusual men, I feel a lot better about myself. Yes, I'm strange to look at at times. No, I can't go mountain biking. (short hikes for me, on even trails, thanks) Yes, I have damage, but, being with men that aren't perfect, that are also damaged, taught me that I can still be a good partner, that I'm ok just how I am, and that there are people out there who know what it's like to be judged and won't do it to me.

[Red_Dove83]

I'll keep that in mind. thanks.

[teressa]

I'll keep that in mind. thanks.

 

Also, you're not hideous. Unusual? Odd? Interesting maybe.

 

I like the word "strange" myself. But "hideous" is a word that has nothing to do with how you look or who you are. You're a distinctive person, and all women have beauty. There's plenty of us weird, strange, odd, interesting, different people out here.

 

And we're all usually way more interesting and strong on the inside, too!

[Red_Dove83]

Today is seemingly going well. After a hard cry yesterday afternoon followed by a diary entry i woke up today feeling less unattractive and damaged. I am feeling a bit of some happiness and peace with myself and although i am not 100% it's a nice feeling when i am not hurting myself. I'm gonna enjoy today and hopefully tomorrow will be a good day as well.

 

Teressa you have a lot of wisdom and intelligence, i admire that. Thank u for the support i really appreciate it. If u don't mind me asking are u outgoing or do u prefer the indoors? I am very reclusive but i do get out when its warm outside.

 

 

Lavenderdove i wanna thank u also. It's funny u mentioned getting a pet cuz i always wanted a dog (a little one the big ones kinda intimidate me) but unfortunately the place where i live doesn't allow dogs. I haven't told my psycologist about the voice in my head cuz i fear i may end up in a straight jacket.

 

Wanttobehappy thank u also for the suggestion of games. i actually download and play games on my ipod and that is not only fun but it does distract me from bad thoughts.

[lavenderdove]

How about a cat then? Many places that don't allow dogs do allow a cat.

[Red_Dove83]

I can't get a cat either, unfortunately i live in a facility so no pets allowed. Its fine though cuz i won't be here long and when i do go home i'll definitely get a pet. thanks for the suggestion.

[teressa]

I'm glad you feel better red dove, you should remember the good things, and improve on them, there's nothing wrong with you for being down sometimes or unsure, I think every one does that.

 

I am outgoing but I spend most of my time indoors. I do get to get out in nature from time to time, not as much as I'd like but even just going out in my yard into the sun helps a little. I'm not super active, but I do like to be outdoors.

 

Of course if it's cold or anything I don't really go outside much. I get ill pretty easily in the cold weather so I tend to be inside more often that time of year.

 

I'm outgoing with work people, I guess, but shy with men, or in personal life, if that makes sense. I'm a bit insecure as everyone is but I have made a lot of friends through work and through the internet, and that helps a whole lot, also like I said the guys I've dated are odd ducks too and that has gone a long way to making me feel better about what I do have to offer.

 

I get really insecure and have some trust issues in relationships, but mostly that's to do with having chosen a few bad men, not because there's anything wrong with me or who I am...I'm trying to work on these things now.

[Red_Dove83]

Wow u sound so much like me. I too don't do that well in the cold i get sick easily so i tend to stay indoors all winter. Once the spring/summer hits i try to get out.

 

Yes i'm also shy with men and with people i don't know or meet for the first time. I don't trust easily so i tend to stay very quiet and feel out the person before getting comfortable. Since i also have trust issues its another reason why i'm very reclusive/withdrawn. I also love the dark, i cannot stand light cuz i feel like i am under a microscope...it also forces me to really see myself which i am not crazy about whenever i look in the mirror, which i try to avoid.

 

My psychiatrist and psycologist suggest i get back on meds but i am very skeptical. I feel like its a waste cuz its not gonna fix my problems no matter what pill i ingest. Not only that but i feel like if i do get back on meds its just another example of how screwed up i am.