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The shy man's curse strikes again!


DaBladeRoden

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Oh, the trials of a shy guy who desires to have a social life.

 

Why I remember back in the day when asking out women was usually met with a bunch of seeming to want to go on a date, followed by a lot of stalling and delaying, or friendzoning, or suddenly getting busying. And I would be like "what am I doing wrong? I wish women would come out and just way what's really wrong with me. Then I'd know what to improve"

 

Well, it seems karma made it into one of those be careful what you wish for moments cause now I'm getting a wave of brutal hosty from women.

 

Who can forget some examples from Myspace Girl

 

"you have no problem rambling on about your own (albeit very boring) life"

"The 8 minutes we were on the phone were TORTURE to me"

"I'm sorry I can't be online 24/7 like you because I have a job and you don't."

"I can totally see why now you've never had a legitimate girlfriend"

"I have never spoken to someone with such a lack of personality"

"You know what, I did lie, I am still living off of my trust fund and still have my condo in West Palm Beach, the fact that you are a basement dweller is a major turnoff. "

 

Or this from the first (and only) conversation with someone from a dating site.

 

12:04 AM her: I work in wardrobe

I gotta run

later

12:05 AM me: oh leaving so soon?

12:06 AM me: I'm bored

gotta find something else to do

 

This sort of all came to a head last night at the kickball game. See, I'm part of an outdoor meetup group that does hikes and stuff like that. we also field teams for an amateur kickball team. Well last night was one of those nights, and as usual our teams lost badly (both times double digits to zero) but I played 3rd base and got a couple people out so I like to think I pulled my weight.

 

Well you know I introduced myself to a few people and stuff like that. short conversations, nothing major. Kind of an awkward moment since Camping Girl was there, I figured she'd avoid me more since I think she swindled me out of a camping trip, and she thought I was creepy since I misinterpreted the signals she was sending to me in order to get my camping trip spot and pursued her, which ended in some stern words from her friend. This was back in october. Well I made sure to mind my own business when spectating the other game, but she went and walked up next to me, but I decided it would be best if i kept my mouth shut. Then she got even closer, but I still said nothing. Don't know what she could have wanted, it's not like I was signed up for any camping trips. But anyways

 

I'm not real good at group conversations, so if it's like 2 or more other people, I'm usually just left on the side lines letting the other two people talk. I guess it's because they either are talking about something I can't really give much input on, or if i do think of input to give, they have switched topics a long time ago, or I can't get a word in edgewise, since the other people are so chatty, there are no lulls in the conversation where I can come in, or I think that have no interest in what i have to say.

 

But I figured just by being in the thick of it, I was being more social than I have in the past, where I would just hang by the sidelines, observing the groups from afar. But I guess i was wrong.

 

So it was the after game barbeque and well the groups of people were talking to each other, and I was there too. But nothing interesting was going on, and I had to pee (damn beer goes right through me) so I headed off towards the portojohns. Then two guys from the group started following me as I departed the playing field towards the john. And they called me over.

 

This was the organizer and one of the assistant orgs of the group. Well I knew them on a friendly basis so I didn't think anything hostile was going to go down. Well, the organizer told me that he had gotten complaints from a couple of the women in the group about emails I had sent them. Allegedly they didn't know who I was or hadn't talked to me before so they thought it was creepy that I was sending them emails. Well I told them that I've never sent anyone in the group emails that I hadn't talked to before (at least twice) in real life events, so I didn't know who could have said that. But naturally they weren't about to devulge details, they just reiterated the point about talking to people in person. So my only conclusion is that I leave such a small impression on people when I talk to them in rl, that they forget we ever talked by the time I send them an email or add them on facebook.

 

I don't think it would be Camping Girl, if she were going to complain about me, it would have been long ago, since I hadn't attempted contact since.

 

And then they talked about how I was acting that night, how it was weird that I would stand around conversations not saying anything. (really, up until now I just thought people essential forget I'm there when they're wrapped up in talking to other people, I didn't know I actually make them nervous). They even had to asked if I even talked to anybody that night. And I told them I did. (In fact, I probably talked to more guys than girls)

 

But then the org made an indirect accusation by saying "hey, I'm trying to get with every girl in the group too". For the record, I'm not trying to get with every girl in the group, just one will suffice And secondly for the record, I wasn't hitting on anybody in my emails or friend requests. It was all strictly group-related stuff. Like questions about events, which an assistant organizer should be expected to be asked.

 

Well the asst org who's an admitted loudmouth was telling me how he used to be shy or anti social as a kid so he knows what its like and he knows there's a cool person inside. And the organizer was saying since i've been with the group for a long time (well over a year) and I know people and it's a long drive to the group from my home, I should be more involved with the socialness and jump into conversations and stuff.

 

So I guess they're not kicking me out of the group, hooray. But following their requests is going to be tough since I'm going to be even more paranoid who I talk to now that I know for certain there are people who think I'm a creep and wish I wasn't there.

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I did not read the whole post but why do you think the women are making such comments, especially the bolded ones:

 

"you have no problem rambling on about your own (albeit very boring) life"

"The 8 minutes we were on the phone were TORTURE to me"

"I'm sorry I can't be online 24/7 like you because I have a job and you don't."

"I can totally see why now you've never had a legitimate girlfriend"

"I have never spoken to someone with such a lack of personality"

"You know what, I did lie, I am still living off of my trust fund and still have my condo in West Palm Beach, the fact that you are a basement dweller is a major turnoff. "

 

you don't have a job? what makes them say such things?

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Well, the myspace girl could be a total wacko, and there's one girl from online dating, and then this whole kickball thing. Could be just a run of bad luck. Could be something more.

 

Yes, standing in a small group with 2-3 others without saying anything for long periods of time is odd, and it will definitely be noticed, no matter how engrossed in the conversation they seem to be.

 

Probably easier to start from scratch with a new group than to rehabilitate the image you seem to have developed in this group, but the latter certainly isn't impossible.

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I did not read the whole post but why do you think the women are making such comments, especially the bolded ones:

 

"you have no problem rambling on about your own (albeit very boring) life"

"The 8 minutes we were on the phone were TORTURE to me"

"I'm sorry I can't be online 24/7 like you because I have a job and you don't."

"I can totally see why now you've never had a legitimate girlfriend"

"I have never spoken to someone with such a lack of personality"

"You know what, I did lie, I am still living off of my trust fund and still have my condo in West Palm Beach, the fact that you are a basement dweller is a major turnoff. "

 

you don't have a job? what makes them say such things?

 

actually all those were from just one woman.

 

For clarification the women in my group don't talk to me like that.

 

if you want to read more of those comments here is my other thread

 

 

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The fact alone that they all go out of their way to make you feel unwelcome should be enough to prevent any participation in conversation on your part.

I would leave that group. May be difficult to find a new one but it doesn't sound as though you're benefitting from this one.

Being shy is hard enough without people pointing it out to you on a regular basis.

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Dablade, you're the common denominator in all of these equations. Maybe now is the time to better yourself and try to make yourself more adventurous or more outgoing. It's not a coincidence that these people react this way to you. It all ultimately boils down to you and how you want to be seen. If you don't want to be seen as quiet and shy and sometimes creepy, don't. Put yourself out there more. Change your attitude about things and see if that helps some.

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Well, the myspace girl could be a total wacko, and there's one girl from online dating, and then this whole kickball thing. Could be just a run of bad luck. Could be something more.

 

Yes, standing in a small group with 2-3 others without saying anything for long periods of time is odd, and it will definitely be noticed, no matter how engrossed in the conversation they seem to be.

 

Probably easier to start from scratch with a new group than to rehabilitate the image you seem to have developed in this group, but the latter certainly isn't impossible.

 

Edit: DBR, I checked your thread on myspace girl, and I have to revise my post here. She doesn't seem like a wacko to me. IM is a tough medium for communication with someone you don't know and are trying to get to know, BUT it's pretty clear you are not conveying much personality and at the same time appearing a bit needy.

 

Consider what it's like from her perspective. If she's even remotely attractive, she has tons of guys expressing interest (that's just the way things are online); she can't possibly meet every guy who has shown interest; so she narrows it down - which guys made her laugh, which seemed the most genuinely interested in her, which most engrossed her in conversation, etc. With any particular girl online, sheer numbers means that the odds aren't good for any guy, but if you're gonna play this online communication game, you have to make things interesting for *her*.

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Hey man while I agree with others that this sucks am I the only one who seems the two organizers of the group are trying to get you involved? They seem like they realize the complaints are bogus, they probably get complaints all the time, and they are trying to get you more involved. I mean while it may be awkward it really does seem like they are only trying to help.

 

I wouldn't ditch the group just yet, give it one more season and really put your best foot forward. If nothing changes then maybe it'd be time to find another team.

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