Having a rough time, how do you just say what you mean?

[pumpkinmoon]

I'm not really sure how to explain myself here but I will try my best.

 

I've been feeling increasingly odd now for some time in this relationship and it's getting to the point where I am constantly feeling sick and have started feeling panicky. I have never had a panic attack before but I think I had one the other day and it was scary.

 

Apart from everything else, I started to get the feeling that something was up so I asked him and he assured me that there isn't which is fine and I hope he is genuine with this statement.

 

For quite some time now I have had this weird feeling that I can't explain. I have so much stuff I was to say and tell him and today I have just reached breaking point. It isn't anything he as done as such, it is coming from within me. I have been keeping so much in and I need to get it out because I think he needs to know. The trouble is, there is just so much, that much that it even confuses me to think about. I think about something else I want to tell him, then something else and I actually forget some things because of the scale of it all.

 

I am thinking about it all the time. I know that sooner or later I am going to have to tell him, and now I feel I can't go on without getting it out because it's starting to make me ill.

 

The thing is, I don't know how to tell him or what to say. I have thought about writing him a letter or an email but ideally I would like to do it in person because they are quite serious matters but because there is so much on my mind, I don't know how to start it all or bring it up and I don't want to forget anything and I'm also worried that I won't be able to explain what I mean properly.

 

 

Has anyone got any ideas about how I can go about this?

[waveseer]

It's perfectly okay to organize your thoughts here, in a journal here, or on paper, talking to a friend, or any other way you choose. It's usually appreciated by the other person too.

[_Asti_]

I've done emails alot of the years in my relationship.

In fact, still do.

 

Writing allows you to express yourself fully, get your thoughts down, leave it, come back to it, spend a few days going over what you want to say and get out.

 

To me, it just sets the ground work, and the conversation can come afterwards.

 

Writing or emailing is just the beginning. It doesn't replace working through an issue, it just allows you to vocalize yourself better. I am horrible with words, and sometimes my emotions bubble up, and then I get teary eyed, upset, and then I close off.

 

I've worked through many issues the past 5 years in my relationship, through the use of email setting up the discussion. It just opens the door for me and my thoughts...and he loves it because he gets everything all at once, and he can read, and re-read it over, and think about it as well.

[keenan]

Well, it sounds like you're obsessing about *something*, for sure, although I'm not clear on what it is. I think it's a great idea to take some time and start writing, either in a journal or here, or both. It might take a few drafts to get to the bottom of this uneasy feeling. You may realize as you write down your issues that, "Oh, wait...that's not quite it; I think it's really THIS that is bothering me."

 

You'll want to be pretty specific and clear about your feelings when you talk to him, so that he doesn't feel like it's a 'kitchen sink' jumble of problems, or some big, scary that can't be solved. I bet writing will help you figure it out.

[lostandhurt]

Hi fairy,

 

I think you have tried very hard to make this work and it just isn't what you thought it would or should be. Getting through to a man (especially this one) can be frustrating. He will hear you but chances are he won't or can't empathize with your deep feelings.

I letter is a great way to get out what you are feeling. You can write and rewrite it until you think it reveals what you have been holding in so long. Then you can give it to him and let him read it right in front of you. Hopefully he will be receptive and want to at least talk a little about it or perhaps it would be best to let him digest what is in the letter a day or so and then talk about some of it a little at a time. It can takes us guys a little more time to "get it" so be patient.

The feeling you have is real so you shouldn't ignore it or think you are being silly. There are many on here that have said "I should have trusted my gut". Something isn't right and your body is telling you something.

 

Help him understand but don't just expect him get it if you really don't know what is wrong in the first place. It is often best not to tackle to much at a time. A pile of bricks is a lot easier to move one at a time instead of the whole pile all at once. Problems are not unlike a pile of bricks in that regard.

 

best wishes

Lost

[keenan]

I love Lost's perspective. I'll also add that if you do give him a letter, make sure your words are honest but gentle. Text can be misinterpreted (so easily!) depending on the reader's mood, and if he's feeling defensive or hurt when he receives it, you don't want to unintentionally exacerbate those emotions.

[pumpkinmoon]

There is no way I could fit it in a text so there are no worries there.

 

It's not just a something, there are lots and lots of things that I want to say and tell him. It could well lead to him leaving me again but that is a chance I am willing to take because I can't go on like this anymore.

 

I don't want to come accross attacking in any way and I don't even have anything to attack him with.

 

I like the email and letter idea but I'm worried really that he wont like what I have to say.

[keenan]

There is no way I could fit it in a text so there are no worries there.

 

Just to clarify, I didn't mean "a text." I meant text...print...writing...words on paper.

[pumpkinmoon]

Just to clarify, I didn't mean "a text." I meant text...print...writing...words on paper.

 

Ah I see, sorry

 

Well I give up anyway. I told him I wanted to talk with him and tell him things and he said that we could tomorrow. Now he thinks that I have started this just because he wanted a night in on his own tonight.

[_Asti_]

 

I like the email and letter idea but I'm worried really that he wont like what I have to say.

 

So, what does that tell you?

This is a person that doens't care about what you're thinking and feeling.

 

If I took the time and wrote things out, to me, it means its important. If my partner dismissed that or didn't like what he read, or didn't want to bother talking about it or discussing it..I'd be saying Goodbye.

 

I tell my partner things that, yes, he probably won't like. But it bothers me, it eats me up, and I have to tell him because our relationship ultimately gets affected because I can't just dismiss the thoughts and feelings. Just getting it off my chest is huge relief, regarldess if something comes from it or not, from his end.

 

I think part of a good relationship is talking about both the good and the bad. It's not always rainbow and butterflies, there are clouds and rainy days, and in a relationship you have to deal with both. And to me, the way a partner reacts to the not so good stuff, says alot about a relationship. How committed they are and open to changes and working on things, and how they feel about you, value you, your thoughts and feelings.