I am not making progess, It's been a year

[pugsley]

I just found this board the other day and I am so happy to find a place like this.

 

My story: My first love, and I am older, in my late 20's. We were together for 2 years and lived together. Things were going good (or so I thought) he wanted to marry and spend the rest of his life with me. We talked about the future. About 22 months into our relationship I had been assigned a job contract out of state. It was a 2 month assignment. We talked daily when I was away, and I was planning my return. On the day I was to come back, he texted me and said he had cheated on me the night before.

 

Some background:

 

During our relationship he was very controlling. I was in a new city, and I had just met him when I had arrived. With no family or friends there. He would get mad if I did anything on my own - meet with new friends, or coworkers after work etc. So I didn't. Yet he was allowed to do all of those things and I was to never question it. He would also get mad if I had any new myspace friends (if someone made a friendly comment etc) - yet he flirted constantly with women on his page, and I was to never bring it up or he would explode saying that I was too controlling and that I was the problem.

 

One day I confronted him about this double standard. His reasoning for him being allowed to have a life (friends etc) was that he didn't want me to find fun in other people. Because he was scared that I would find fun in others and would leave him for someone better.

 

THrough it all I stayed with him. I loved him

 

But when he texted me as I was leaving to return (just packed up the car and preparing for a 3000 mile drive) I was so devestated I told him it was over.

 

So there I was returning back to this city for my job. Sad and lonely with no friends or family, and in the midst of grief. I was devastated. I still returned (I had to for my job) and got my own apartment. For the next 5 months we fought daily over text messages. He had so much anger towards me because I felt so betrayed. When I had discovered he had cheated on me, I discovered many other things - that he had been lying to me for 10 months. And had also been with other women. I trusted him completely so previously when he had been late or gone out with coworkers I had never considered him to be cheating on me. I though I would give it timme, and maybe after I got settled we could possibly work it out - he said the same.

 

However, the only contact we had for the next 5 months was hiim sending horrible text messages to me. Mixed with a few promising ones.

 

After 5 months of lonliness I took a project assignment with work and left the state. The next month he was to be in town for a conference (in the new state I was living) and asked to meet up. I agreed. We had a good night. At the end of the night he went back to his hotel, and I to my apartment.

 

We talked the whole week he was in town. When he left I felt such a mixed bag of emotions - sad he was leaving. Sad that I thought I had made progress until we saw each other again. I sent him an email saying I enjoyed the time we sepnt together however we can't be in contact. Because I still had feelings for him and I was workinng on trying to move on.

 

He then was pissed. Texted me back on how much he missed talking to me. We then started to keep in touch daily via texts (in a friendly way)

 

Fast forward another 5 months, I have a assignment back in his city. I let him know I was coming to town and perhaps we can meet for lunch. He says that he's busy all week. I said well maybe one day if you are free.

A couple days later he text me and asks to meet, I said I was busy (I was) he flipped out. I then said I could meet him later in the day - we met and had fun.

 

Anyway, the entire week he would say he had lots of things to do (he also was unemployed and free during the day and broke, so I didn't believe it but whatever) I said that's fine, I am busy too, I'm here working. But a couple times he would ask me about doing something, and when I would reply, I can but not this minute maybe later in the day, he would get mad at me saying "I didn't give a * * * * that he was trying to do something with me" When in truth he would act quite disinterested that I was even in town. I had asked him a couple times to meet for lunch and he would say no, so I was like that's cool. But when he would ask me and I couldn't do something on his time frame he would be so mad.

 

The day I left, he went off on me on text saying how cold I was. I then said I can't be in contact with you right now. Because you don't even act like you like me, yet you get mad if I have things to do, yet if I ask you to do something you act completely disinterested (an excuse would be "I have to do laundry etc").

 

Anyway that was 2 months ago. I haven't talked ot him since. I just found out that 2 weeks ago he met someone, and they are moving into gether (yes after 2 weeks). It brought me back to when I first met him - it was a whirlwind, he "seemed" perfect for me, the perfect guy. And we moved in together after only a few months of knowing each other.

 

I feel like it has been a year, and I am still at square one. Each time I think I am going to be ok, the pain comes back. Hearing how happy he is now just makes it worse.

 

We were only together 2 years. It's been a year since the break up, when will I be able to not feel so upset, angry and hopeless?

[peace_lily]

I feel like it has been a year, and I am still at square one. Each time I think I am going to be ok, the pain comes back. Hearing how happy he is now just makes it worse.

 

We were only together 2 years. It's been a year since the break up, when will I be able to not feel so upset, angry and hopeless?

 

Your ex sounds emotionally abusive. I read that there is a cycle in abusive relationships:

(1) tension building-- with small fights that gradually blow up; you keep your mouth shut mostly but build resentment

(2) a sort of acting out stage (forget what it's called)-- where there's a big incident or fight; woman shows her resentment and man acts out

(3) making up-- where they will say all the right things just to get back in your lives and because you love them and think they will change, this allows you to cling to false hope that they will change.

and back to stage one again.

 

It sounds like your ex has some real problems and some recurring behaviors. He puts women on some kind of pedestal, idealizes them and treats them in this whirlwind way. then like most whirlwinds, he runs out of steam and doesn't like or appreciate the real person, with their own lives and responsibilities and choices. this is what I am hearing from the story you are telling me.

 

You deserve someone who likes and appreciates you for being your own self.

 

the only way you are not going to feel hopeless anymore is if you actively choose to go NC permanently. I am not in great shape myself, but I know with absolute certainty that NC has helped me gain perspective and distance. I used to think my ex was perfect. I don't anymore. I used to think he was the right guy for me. I don't anymore. I miss him like crazy but I no longer want to be with him.

 

My therapist had me read this book called Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young. I suggest you read it. It will help you understand why your ex is the way he is and why it is not healthy to be with him.

[pugsley]

Thank you so much for the book suggestion. I will go and get it. I had been reading a lot lately about my ex's behaviors. And you are right, that's what makes it so hard. I knwo I was emotionally abused, so why, why would I feel so devastated that we are not together. I should be thrilled.

 

I also know that I am in no way any resemblence to the person I was before I met him. I use to have such confidence and I was a happy person. I had many friends and was always well liked by my peers. When I was with him, I detached myself from my friends. So now, although I have made contact with my old friends, I am in a new city and no know one. So I am lonely as well. I never had a support system when we broke up. That is why after 5 months I was so sad, I had to up and leave to take a new assignment. I thought that would make things better, Starting fresh.

 

The weird thing is, knowing that he is with a new woman. I saw a profile of hers, and I guess a normal reaction would be that - oh why is he with her? Well that's not my reaction. I looked at her profile and to me, she is beautiful and talented and seems to be quite kind. I feel bad for her actually because I know how my ex was at the start of my relationship with him - the "perfect guy" - so I sort of feel like the new girl is going to be in for a ride, I feel bad for her.

 

And knowing all of this and feeling all of this, makes me wonder why would I still feel so devastated? That's the part I don't get.

[OrangeMoon]

We were only together 2 years. It's been a year since the break up, when will I be able to not feel so upset, angry and hopeless?

 

 

You are one of the perfect examples of what not entertaining a "No Contact" method of healing can do to your healing process.

 

Decide that from now on..you are going to truly start your healing process and focuss on you. The hurt, despair and sadness will not disappear suddenly. It will take time.

 

But decide to put yourself first now and focus on getting you back.

Do not enter into any kind of contact with the ex anymore. You can get another phonenr and change emailaddress if you are serious about your healing.

 

He is obviously not right for you, but you are not strong enough to face that. But you will..if you decide to do the work.

 

A few months from now you will read back your post and see what everyone else is reading. But it takes time..

 

Be gentle with yourself..but determined to heal

[pugsley]

Thanks broken34 - I did block my ex's number 2 months ago (so he couldn't send me texts AND so I couldn't on a whim send him a text) It's been 2 months of NC with him - no emails texts calls etc.

Now I need to take it a step further and have NO ONE tell me of what he is doing (ie> I didn't need to know he is moving in with a new GF or that he even has one OR who she is etc).

[OrangeMoon]

And knowing all of this and feeling all of this, makes me wonder why would I still feel so devastated? That's the part I don't get.

 

You loved him..its natural. You have not detoxed enough from him. You have not had the time..because you kept interacting with him. He made sure you couldnt let go..

 

Be gentle with yourself..dont look for why..You loved him..and love is the most idiot thing sometimes. You can also look at it as it being beautiful that you could love someone despite of their faults.

 

Now..the key is..to love yourself more now..always..no matter what gorgeous prince crosses your path. You now will learn to love yourself more..so that you will never allow another person to kill your loving happy spirit like that just to sustain a rels based on false sympathies.

[OrangeMoon]

Thanks broken34 - I did block my ex's number 2 months ago (so he couldn't send me texts AND so I couldn't on a whim send him a text) It's been 2 months of NC with him - no emails texts calls etc.

Now I need to take it a step further and have NO ONE tell me of what he is doing (ie> I didn't need to know he is moving in with a new GF or that he even has one OR who she is etc).

 

 

Oh that's great. You see..you are already stronger than you think you are

 

You tell everyone in your near to not mention any rumour or what not regarding him. If they respect you..they will.

 

Make him a part of your past..not your present and thus not your future.

A year from now..you are going to look back to this post with a smile..

 

Read..a lot. It helps tremendously. To understand you, what happened and to move forward..

[Caterina]

Look. YOu did the right thing. There are not immediate cures to tragedies. It will hurt for a long time.

[Brokelyn]

Thanks broken34 - I did block my ex's number 2 months ago (so he couldn't send me texts AND so I couldn't on a whim send him a text) It's been 2 months of NC with him - no emails texts calls etc.

Now I need to take it a step further and have NO ONE tell me of what he is doing (ie> I didn't need to know he is moving in with a new GF or that he even has one OR who she is etc).

 

I actually ended up having to send an email to all of friends at once saying that until further notice not to mention my ex to me, even if they have news that think will make me happy. That was about 8 or 9 months ago and I still don't ask for any news.

 

True NC for me includes no texts, emails, no social networking or googling him, and no news from mutual friends. Some of my friends work with him and see him EVERYDAY, but I know nothing. Maybe he doesn't even work with them anymore.

[Real]

It's going to take you awhile to heal... Now with the fact that you know that he has moved on, you should be able to move on also faster.. Remember he is with someone else now and no longer available.. Move on.. or at least start going out.. I'm giving advice and I haven't moved on, but my situation is totally different from yours.. MOVE ON. again, MOVE ON you will be just fine.

[manup7228]

I wish sometimes us at ENA could read our own post. Sometimes I go back and read mine after a month or 2 of NC. It is like we are retarded. Its just funny how I look back at my original post and am like * * * was I thinking?

 

So what I am getting at is.....

 

Read your OP of this thread. I know their were probably good things in the relationship, but LOOK AT ALL THE NEGATIVES. That double standard is such bull * * * * . I went through that. These kind of people are emotionally abusive. You want to know why? It is because they do not love themselves so they have to keep their exes strung along because they know the dumpee still loves them. It doesnt even really sound like you were that happy with him (really examine it, could another guy do better? im thinking yes!!!!)

 

What I am trying to say is you are def giving yourself the short end of the stick. This guy is pathetic. PERIOD. You have to start believing that as well. Just because they have a BF/GF doesnt make them better people or worth more. My best friends all dont have significant others. They are amazing people. You can be too. Start loving yourself because you dodged a bullet here. This guy is a freight train to hell. Trust me. It all gets better in time. You are so much better than him, I guarantee it.

[Tinnes]

You feel that way because you two stayed in contact.

The best thing for you is to cut it totally (to continue with NC).

The less you know about him, the better.

Just then you'll have the opportunity to live your life with full lungs.

You seem to be good girl, and I think that you deserve better guy.

[ellandroader]

Pugsley...(great username by the way )...everything you wrote sounds so familiar. There could even be a good guy in there somewhere, and you probably know it. It feels like a bigger loss because you know the other person is trapped for reasons only truly known to them, and there is nothing you can do to help them.

 

I left my girlfriend for the greater good and was not only heart broken, but completely dejected. You feel devastated not just because of the loss, but because subconciously you may also wonder if you weren't enough to make them change. It's not true of course but we all ask ourselves that question.

 

As someone who lives very far from home too, I know how hard it is right now in a new city, not knowing somebody. The best steps you can take right now are to try and systematically build back up again. You were alive before your ex came along and there were things that you did to make you who you are. If you can rediscover yourself, then slowly you will come back. I am going through this right now and though there is still a distant sadness in there, my focus has returned, my dry wit and humour has come back and my interest in the things I liked to do was rekindled.