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feeling really sad right now


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so we broke up at the end of september. we were together a little over 2.5 years-- through 3 apartments, his dad's illness and death, my job gradually getting worse and worse, me finally making friends in the town where i live.

 

it's been 7 months since the breakup, 5 months nc. he went on a date with someone else literally the day after he moved out of our shared apartment, and he's still with her. he wrote me once, a month into nc to say he's sorry for the timing and that he thought i was a good person who deserved to be happy. but he maintained that he didn't cheat on me and that he didn't leave me for her.

 

my life is a lot different now. i had left my job about six weeks before he left me to go to law school in part because i wanted to provide for the family we were going to have together-- he swore he would be ready to marry me someday. i'm still in school, because after losing him, i just didn't want to lose anything else. and i think i'll make a good lawyer and that i'll like and enjoy doing it.

 

i live alone. i go out with this sweet guy who's really into me and he knows how depressed i am and how upset about my ex and yet he still for some reason wants to be around me.

 

my journey through nc seems to go through a lot of ups and downs. december-- the first month-- was bad; january was good; february was plain awful; march was better than february but not as good as january; and april is really really hard.

 

i don't miss the sex. but he was my best friend and when i was scared about where my life was going or stressed he was there. he wasn't one who talked about his emotions, but he fed me and sat by me on the couch. when i cried, he held me.

 

and now, for the first time since december, i feel this hopeless little feeling of wanting to contact him (i really haven't for a long time) and yet knowing it's utterly pointless because the guy who cared about me is gone, just gone. he just doesn't exist anymore.

 

i am so depressed and struggling so hard just to make it through every day. i get a push sometimes, for a few weeks i feel like myself, and then i just feel like s**t again.

 

people want me to plan this new life for myself, to be this new person. but the truth is that i liked who i was. i just want to go back to being her. mostly because i'm in law school and in part because i left my old job and in part because of him being gone, i feel like i've lost myself.

 

when i was with him, i felt like i had found myself again. not because he made me feel special, but because loving him made me feel special. i though to myself "i am a person who loves..." it got me away from all this careerist and success stuff that our country is so driven by. it was supposed to keep my grounded.

 

now i am still a person who loves, but it goes into this black hole. there's no way for me to show my affection and my care. i show it to the new person, and sometimes it feels good. but sometimes it rings false, because i don't feel the same way about the new person as i did about my ex. i care about him and i'm attracted to him. but i still miss my ex, i miss who i was back then, i miss where my life was headed.

 

i just really need some support right now.

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Hey peace lily,

 

I know exactly what you're going through and you will get through this with time and NC. Try to stay strong and resist the urge to contact him because it is only an urge that will soon pass. These emotions you're having is all part of the healing process, they come in waves and it is just your brain working overtime to make sense of it all.

 

In the mean time I would suggest keeping busy, do whatever you have to do to get out of the house, anything to keep your mind occupied.

 

You are not alone in this horrible struggle.

 

xx

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"when i was with him, i felt like i had found myself again. not because he made me feel special, but because loving him made me feel special. i though to myself "i am a person who loves..." it got me away from all this careerist and success stuff that our country is so driven by. it was supposed to keep my grounded.

 

now i am still a person who loves, but it goes into this black hole. there's no way for me to show my affection and my care. i show it to the new person, and sometimes it feels good. but sometimes it rings false, because i don't feel the same way about the new person as i did about my ex. i care about him and i'm attracted to him. but i still miss my ex, i miss who i was back then, i miss where my life was headed.

 

i just really need some support right now."

 

I'm sorry that you are feeling so down right now. All I have to say is this: in order to heal, you need to make new dreams. Life is change. Anything can happen and we are often in a state of flux. The only thing that we can really rely on, and really know (besides the love of family - at least for many folks) is ourselves. To heal, you need to look at who you are and what you want. This doesn't have to be in a career-focused, consumerist way. It could be that your mission is to give back. When you came into this earth, you came alone. That is how you begin and end. And your own sense of happiness begins and ends within the womb and tomb of your mind. If you don't look deep inside and try to connect with your person, it becomes a tomb filled with sticky webs and darkness. If you do look inside, it becomes a womb filled with new life and a new sense of purpose.

 

You need you right now. You are able to recognize that the value of the relationship wasn't about him; it was about you. Yes you are "a person who loves." And that is a wonderful gift. Now, you need to become "a person who loves herself." I have felt that dark place you are in and I hope you open yourself with your inner light. My best life emerged from my worst pain. My best to you dear.

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Let go of the old you- and allow yourself to settle into the new you- you may like her a lot more- you never know.

 

in the meantime, take it one day at a time- no pressure to love this new guy- just enjoy the company - enjoy school- enjoy being on your own.

 

instead of letting your love go to a black hole- let it flow right back inside of you and give it to yourself.

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Hun you're focusing on the qualities of the wrong man. What are the qualities of this new guy? Start to talk about and focus your attention on him.

 

the new guy speaks 5 languages (ex only spoke 3), can draw maps of all the countries of the world from scratch from his head, reads classic literature (like me--ex liked mass market sci fi) in three of those 5 languages, loves Italian food (like me-- ex liked Mexican), plays classical piano (like me-- ex didn't play music), and is quiet and low key and a little lazy (like me-- ex was always wanting to talk about himself or to go to something). New guy is a world traveler and a scientist who is curious about the world. he's a highly sensitive person (like me-- ex was not) and i can see him emotionally react when i tell him what i like about him. he doesn't seem to mind when i am having a rough time that it shows (ex did, always acted like my emotions made me weaker than him).

 

but when the new guy hugs me, i don't feel better. when i call him on the phone and i'm sad, i don't feel better (probably in part because the new guy has an accent which is difficult to understand on the phone). i don't understand-- if i like him so much, why don't i feel better? it goes like this-- when i'm feeling good, i think the new guy is great. when i'm feeling really depressed, i don't want the new guy to see me and i feel indifferent.

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Remember that ultimately, love is a choice, not just a feeling. And that sometimes you have to make the choice first before you experience the feelings. I think often times, too many people get caught up in needing to have the feelings first before making the choice. I think that even though you think your ex has left and doesn't care, there is a part of you hoping he comes back and so you're not fully letting go. I think the trick here is to try and learn to not live in the past. Because you're remembering all the good things about your ex and everything you went through, you are incapable of appreciating the present - the current BF who sounds like a really great guy. If you continue to do this, you will lose him too. And from the way you describe him, I guarantee you will come to regret that later.

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First hugs!!

 

You are still IMO looking backwards and caught up in old dreams.

 

Btw my ex also said the same thing ie "sorry didn't mean to hurt you...wish you happiness because you deserve it..etc ". Oh yeah? Well f...ck off for now thanks!

 

I found that in order to really move ahead I had to get a bit tougher and focus on the bs and things I didn't like about my ex and 'us': this helped me get some balance and move from sadness (inward focus) to getting angry (outward focus ) using this anger as a platform to look forward and not pensively backward.

 

(Down the road when you are stronger you can take a walk down memory lane).

But for now forget it as you are already doing that too much; and look at both where it is and where is not getting you--you are still idealizing him...time to kick him off of the false pedestal you have placed him on.

 

... if you can't get angry and shut the door completely at least try to balance your "I miss us" thoughts with "he was an idiot!" too whenever you start to get depressed...there is something empowering in using our anger to both protect us and be an impetus to keep moving.

 

Remember your gig at the end with all the bs not as how you wished it to be.

 

Sure this anger vs sadness balance won't work all the time but once you start you might be pleasantly surprised too.

 

IMO healing is all about balance: too much of either sadness or anger won't really help in the ingr present or the long run. hugs again!

 

Make that list of your grievances and the things that make you think "good riddance!" when the blues tapes start to play.

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