giving myself a voice

[heather1]

How can I hate myself so much? I feel so fat and ugly and empty sometimes and it hurts me so deeply.

 

I dont understand how to change what I feel but I want it to change so badly. I want to be able to find the motivation to change, but I get so down on myself that I dont see the point in trying. I want the man I love to want me, I want him to feel attracted to me. I dont understand how he can love me like I know that he does.

 

I know in my heart that he loves me every bit as much as I love him. But in the same thought I think of how unattracted he is to me, how he doesnt want to even touch me when we have sex, how he doesnt want to marry me until I finish school. Why cant he want me like that as I am? I cry myself to sleep so many nights. Even with the man that I love laying beside me, I feel so alone. I dont want to feel alone anymore! Its so hard to understand, I am happier now than I have ever been in my life, but im also sadder than I ever thought I could be. Sometimes I feel more like the best friend than the woman of his dreams. We are so perfect for each other in every way, we laugh, we cry, we share of feelings and desires, our hopes and our dreams. We do everything together....yet I feel he is repulsed by me, like Im not good enough. He says he wants to spend his life with me, that he wants to grow old with me......then in the same breath says he wont marry me until I finish school. What if I never finish? What if there is another reason to put it off once I do finish? Why cant he want to make love to me? I know Im fat, I know my body is gross..but damnit if he loves me for who I am on the inside why cant he just want me! Why cant he look beyond what he sees in front of him and find even just a little desire for me? I try to tell myself its the medication, I try to tell myself he is tired from work, I try to tell myself he is just having a bad day......but it wears on me. Why does there have to be an excuse for everything? All I see is that he doesnt want to marry the person that I am today, that I will only be good enough when I have a degree and a bigger paycheck; that he doesnt feel attracted to the fat girl on the outside, that he wont be attracted to me until I lose 75 pounds. Maybe thats where I lose the motivation. Maybe Im waiting to feel wanted as I am, not just for what I might someday be. Why cant the person I am today be enough to deserve to feel wanted and loved? The emptiness I feel on the inside is tearing me apart.

 

I dont want to hate the person that I am, I know that Im a good person. I do everything to take care of the people I love that I possibly can....friends and family alike. I go out of my way to make their lives easier. I listen to peoples heartaches, I listen to peoples happiness, and I listen just when they need to vent. I listen , and I listen and I listen......but I can never share the feelings inside of me. I cant bring myself to share the pain that I feel inside, to let myself be so vulnerable, to share my weaknesses and my sorrow. I just keep it inside, and it eats at me day after day after day. I know thats the worst thing I could possibly do, that it just intensifies my insecurities and the disgust that I feel when I look in the mirror, but I cant stop it. Ive tried to share what I feel, I really have. But when I do Im told that Im being foolish or selfish, that im stupid for feeling the way do, so I stopped. I dont give a damn how stupid my feelings are, they are my feelings! I struggle with them every day of my life! Ive never just had someone listen to me as I pour my heart out. To be heard and not judged is a luxury Ive never had. I guess thats why I try so hard to be that person for everyone else. I know how hard it is to keep all of that inside. To try to smile on the outside when you are dying on the inside. Ive gotten good at it though, unfortunately its become second nature to me and I dont think its something I will ever be able to change about myself.

 

Ive often thought that the people I love would be better off without me around, though Ive never tried to kill myself....Ive thought about it more times than I care to count. Ive thought about starving myself to lose weight, Ive thought about running away from my life and the people I love just so they didnt have to be embarrassed by me. I wish to god I didnt hate myself so much that I would think these things..but I do hate myself that much, and so I continue to think these things.

 

This is my first attempt at voicing my feelings........i figure it would be easier to people I dont know, I know I cant say anything to the people I do know. At least Im getting it out.

[nowhereman7]

Its never as bad as it feel, remember that.

 

I am a big guy myself. I don't want to add to the self pitty in this thread too much, but I'll say be thankful your a woman, cause big guys go it alone, no one wants to even be with them. I'd much rather switch spots with you. So off the bat just know people got it much worse.

 

to address your problems, this man may not be a passionate fellow, Me I've swept the americanized view of beauty aside, I embrace a full bodied woman, and don't let it inhibit my lust and passions for my lover. Some guys are not lovers, they won't want and grab a'hold and let go. He might be just fine, but being his own person. Some folks are dry.

 

If you don't feel healthy, then start out by taking a brisk walk a few times a week, trust me this will give you energy and make you feel better about your self.

 

Maybe your feeding him a negative vibe and he is reading off of it and does not want to act b/c he feels it may harp on your own insecurities and do harm.

 

One thing I have learned is that negativity in a relationship is a cancer. Feel good about you and he will too. Communication is so very key, epecially in the bedroom, If you think he could just be dry then wake him up and let him know what you crave.

 

I'm just a Nowhereman, what do I know.