am I looking for problems??

[angellady]

Hi all,

I really could use some input from people on the outside, as to whether I have anything to worry about here. I'm sorry, but I can't figure out how to ask my question with getting long with some background, so please bear with me. My bf and I met online through Craigslist (I answered his personal ad) 6 months ago and got very serious very fast. We had some rocky times within the first few months, but things have been on a nice, even keel for awhile now. In fact, they have been fabulous for a few months. He treats me very well, we always enjoy each other's company, no matter what we're doing, we're still very passionate, he's very "into" the relationship, trying to find extra time together, etc... Perfect, right? The actions are, but the words that he has emailed about me to a female friend have been hurtful. First some background... In February, we were having issues, and I stumbled upon the fact that he had posted another ad on Craigslist, was corresponding with women, and was basically looking for a replacement. I confronted him, he was very sorry, said he was feeling so insecure about how he would handle the break-up if we didn't 'make it'... and voluntarily gave me his email pw (completely his idea) and said that he would be as open as if we were married. I wasn't too comfortable snooping, and figured it wouldn't be effective anyway (obviously, he wouldn't conduct any inappropriate behaviour where he knew I could be monitoring it), but curiosity go the better of me and I looked. I found an email from him to a female friend written 1.5 months into our relationship (after we were already attached and exclusive), where he was having 2nd thoughts about whether he had moved too fast (understandable, we both did, and it was natural for both of us to step back and reflect), but the problem was that he divulged some confidential info about me and was also very negative about me (a negative about him is that he tends to think in very black and white terms and has trouble putting new, potential info in perspective). In fact, he stated "I hate to sound arrogant, but I think I may be the best thing that's ever happened for her". This infuriated me since I have a lot to offer and have never had any problem finding decent men, so don't need anyone to feel they are doing me any favors. However, I let it go since it was early in our relationship and I didn't find it until month's later. I found that all other correspondence with this friend abruptly stopped, so I presume he deleted it before offering his pw, but neglected to delete the one damning email.

 

Fast forward to a couple days ago... I'm not really sure why I looked, but I checked his email again and found a casual email from this same friend, getting back in touch and wondering how things are going with his girlfriend and life in general. There was an arrow indicating that he replied but his reply was deleted from his SENT mail and from the DELETED items too. So, it is obvious that he deleted it because his reply contained something he didn't want me to see. I am positive that he is not interested in this woman, so I presume he has shared some negative feelings about me. My dilemma is that I have a lot invested in this relationship, he will soon be moving to my town to be closer to me (currently lives a couple hours away), and I am feeling that if things are not as rosy as I am believing they are, it would be better that i found out sooner, rather than later. He has shared that he has had doubts when we were going through our rough spells, but now feels that I am "the one" and so on. I have also known that he has outright lied to me in the past about various things related to how he felt about me or concerns he had in order to spare my feelings in the past (the true feelings eventually came out). So, I am dying to know what he wrote to this friend. So, what shall I do? Shall I simply ask him? He may lie again. Shall I be more vague and simply raise a conversation to talk about how we are getting so involved and serious, yet I can't forget the doubts that he has shared with me in the past. I had told him then that I want to be with someone that likes me as a person, in addition to wants and needs me. Shall I distance myself when everything else is so perfect in order to protect myself? I know that he is a very needy person (he has also acknowledged this) and wants to move to my town anyway, and I have this nagging concern that he could be using me to facilitate his move. He is quite accomplished financially, etc, but knowing someone here would certainly help jumpstart a social life here. The bottom line is that I can't trust that he will be completely open with me, regardless of how I approach this. So, eonline, thanks for reading this long post, and your thoughts would be really truly appreciated.

Cheryl

[waveseer]

If he will not communicate openly and honestly with you, then you have no basis for a relationship. Giving you his pw was a smokescreen to cover up his philandering. Look after your own interests because that's exactly what he's doing for himself.

[addictedblue]

You and your boyfriend definitely have problems communicating. It seems like he has certain negative thoughts but doesn't want to tell you for fear of offending you, but he shouldn't even be having offensive thoughts about you if you are "the one." Saying that he is the best thing that has happened to you is an extremely arrogant and cocky thing to say. Between that and the lying, maybe he isn't such a great boyfriend....

[angellady]

ready,

whoa, that was direct, but thank you. Do you perhaps see other explanations? i find it hard to believe he is philandering when he is so attentive to me. Since we live 2 hours apart, we basically live together about half the week (based on work and kid schedules) and are in touch 2-3 times/day when we are apart. We are invested with vacations together, etc planned. But then, why am I so uneasy with this gut feeling that I have been wrong to feel so secure in this relationship? Another option for me is to ride it out and wait until he moves here and see what changes. It will be hard for me to recognize when it is time to move on, yet I would hate to remain in a relationship if he might feel he is settling or biding his time.

[waveseer]

angellady, I am certain that he has a plan that he is unwilling to share with you. I believe your insecurity is stemming from knowing that this is the truth. I don't know his exact plan, but let's just say that in it you are merely an option at best and certainly not a priority.

[sparkles4]

I would agree with ready2heal that this guy is not making you a priority in his life. He may treat you decent when you're together, but it's obvious he has reservations about you and is keeping his options open until someone he likes better comes along. And he's being real shady about it, which shows he can't really be trusted. I'd ditch him.

[angellady]

Thanks all for telling me what I needed to hear. i confronted him and he actually had a reasonable excuse about why he deleted his email -- the email from the woman friend happened to come the day he took my teen son and I skiing and he vented to her about how he was irritated with my son's behaviour and how he feels about him in general. Then, he proceeded to vent to me (I've heard it all before, know it's an issue, but not a dealbreaker since my son will be off to college in a bit), so I can imagine he didn't mince words at all in the email and I'm not surprised he didn't want me to see it. I STILL have an issue with his inclination to be sneaky and hide things, though, so there will be more discussion. We decided to table the partial discussion until we see each other Sat. Sooo, I may be foolish, but I guess we're still on. I think I need to let him know, though, that he will need to earn my trust again. There have been too many instances of sneaky behaviour and his first inclination seems to be filter out what he doesn't want me to see. Thanks again, all. I've been lurking and reading responses and everyone on here seems wiser than me when it comes to relationships.