The worst breakup imaginable...

[ihateme]

Warning - This is a long post

 

So, a month has passed since I broke up with my girlfriend. It ended in the worst possible way. I wrote about this before but under abuse, so read on and you'll find out why.

 

Here's my story: We met about two years ago it was love at first sight. We spent day and night together for more than a year and it was as we met yesterday. We maybe rushed into some stuff like moving in together and planning the future together, but we simply didn't care. My every breath was for her and I like to think she thought so too... at least for awhile.

 

Four months ago she suddenly came home one day and said out of the blue that this isn't working anymore. I asked why but the reason was simply that she wanted to move alone for awhile. She's very young (only 22) and I took it into consideration and agreed. We continued as before and then she went and bought an apartment. This is where stuff gets crazy...

 

A week before she bought the apartment, we got engaged, and she was the one who asked me if I wanted to. I was shocked to hear that she actually had bought an apartment. In my country it means that she must live there for at least two years before she can sell it or rent it out. She explained that it was a economical choice and that I could move in with her if I wanted... after awhile.

 

I suspected that something was wrong and we got into an argument where she told me that she doesn't know how she feels, and wants to take a break. I was heartbroken and left her. We had NC for almost two months where I recovered and had almost forgot her until when, one day, I found her crying outside my door. Afterwards I have realized that taking her back was my greatest mistake, ever.

 

We had about one week of passionate love where she told me that she had made the greatest error of her life and regretted buying the apartment and so on. Then things were almost back to normal. Except, she started to go out more and was always dressing up. There were days she acted like I didn't exist. When she looked at me, her look went right through me instead of at me as she used to. While drunk she once told me that people weren't meant to live only as a couple but have sex with others as well. She once said that she was going to hang a painting above the bed of her father that all _men_ that visited would feel looked at.

 

Unfortunately, my feelings for her had come back and I tried with all my heart to make her admit that she wanted to be single and live alone. While she denied it in tears, her weird behavior continued.

 

This continued for awhile, until one thursday night, when we talked on msn, she wrote that even if there's a lot of maybes, she still thinks that we can move in together, start a family and so on. This evening was the last evening for a long while when I went to sleep happy.

 

The next day, when I called her in the middle of the day at work as I had done for all the time we have been together, she snapped at me that she thought me needy for calling her in the middle of the day. I got angry and hung up on her. Later, when I called her, she was out having a coffee. She ignored me on the phone totally while I tried talking to her so I hung up again. Then I texted her that if this is how she wanted it, it's over.

 

It was in anger that I wrote that text message and I regretted it almost immediately. I tried calling her but she refused to pick up. The following day, she had erased her old facebook profile which happened to be registered in my email. I called her again and she just picked up and asked what I want. I said I wanted to talk and she said we have nothing to talk about. Then she hung up.

 

I checked her facebook profile and she was going to a party. I thought that well, let her party. Maybe she'll feel better tomorrow.

 

The next day I wake up to a text that tells me she has cheated on me. I call her and she promptly tells me to leave her alone, or she'll call the police. I got her to talk to me at last, and I tried to be a gentleman with her and said that I'll leave you alone, hope we still can be friends.

 

The truth was I was devastated. I got anxiety attacks which affected my sleep so a doctor proscribed pills that should help me sleep for me. Not even these helped me. After a week and about two hours of sleep, and being told that she had cheated on me many times before, I got desperate and started drinking. That helped! The anxiety was gone..

 

I'd had a lot of pills and drunk a lot when I saw her with the guy she had cheated on me with in a bar. I tried to ignore this and just continued drinking. This is where my memory fails me...

 

From what I've been told, I walked up to her, grabbed her arm and asked if she wanted to talk. She got furious and started to yell and push at me. And I hit her, straight on the mouth.

 

The next day, I wake up in my apartment very groggy. I had tried to commit suicide when I got home. I have some memories of crying and bashing my apartment but nothing clear. I panicked and called a friend who immediately came over... He told me what had happened and I fell into shock.

 

After I came home from the hospital, I tried to contact her but no answer. A month has passed and we've not talked. I've sent her an email apologizing for what I did and told her that she should not ever ever forgive me for doing something this horrible. To forget me and try to be happy. That I will pay the expenses and probably get a very hard sentence because of the damage. She lost one tooth but all other teeth are loose. I also almost broke her jaw.

 

I live in a small town (9000 people) and I am the topic of the month. I have decided to move away and try to start over.

 

To problem is, I feel so guilty and I still can't still understand that this actually happened. Every morning is like waking from a nightmare, for I expect her to be there, to hug and kiss and say : "good morning love". I wonder where it went wrong.

 

My friends told me she dates the guy she cheated on me with, she's out a lot and seem happy. She doesn't even want to talk about me. I'm the offender, she's the victim... and yet I understand this.

 

I am going through the phase where I try to get over her but in my situation it's really not easy. I feel ashamed and guilty for what I have done and I even have suicidal thoughts from time to time.

 

I am jealous of the guy she dates, I'd like to be him. I think of her all the time and continuing to keep NC is getting hard, even though I know that I must. The usual "getting over someone" tips aren't really working in my case because of the abuse. I'm at a loss, what should I do? I have lost everything dear to me, I've lost many friends because of what I did, I don't want to show my face outside because I'm so ashamed.

 

I think that I should mention that I have never hit a woman before, and never even gotten angry before either with my ex. But I can't still forgive myself for this.

 

For everyone out there who is experiencing a break up and feel bad about it, think of me and thank god that you are not me!

[IMAbadman]

Did she really cheat? As I read this you two were broken up... then she started seeing someone else. Am I wrong?

 

PS - Son, you need help. You really should seek professional help. Pills and booze are not an answer, they're a problem.

[cl76]

You need to seek professional help immediately. You're right, the advice on ENA is not going to work for you because your problems go beyond a break up - there's depression for starters...

 

It is not worth living the rest of you life in misery because of one stupid mistake. Suicide won't solve anything. Seek professional help NOW, don't wait.

[ihateme]

Did she really cheat? As I read this you two were broken up... then she started seeing someone else. Am I wrong?

 

PS - Son, you need help. You really should seek professional help. Pills and booze are not an answer, they're a problem.

 

Well not according to the "rules" but she has cheated with him before so yes.

 

It was a harsh wakeup call, and I know pills and booze is not the answer and that's why I have been 100% sober the past month.

 

Problem is that I can't stop thinking about her...

[IMAbadman]

Problem is that I can't stop thinking about her...

 

Yes you can. You need to put some effort into it. Find a hobby. Go make new friends. Go meet anther woman.

 

Seriously bud... you really need to go talk to a professional. Do yourself a favor and get out of this slump. It's not healthy.

[OziJack]

Four months ago she suddenly came home one day and said out of the blue that this isn't working anymore.

A week before she bought the apartment, we got engaged, and she was the one who asked me if I wanted to

 

Your relationship was a bust at the moment that she said , " it isn't working anymore."

 

Then -

"...she bought an apartment" which means "I want to live elsewhere without you"

 

Then-

"..we got engaged, she asked me if I wanted to " which meant , "I feel guilty about leaving him and to make myself feel better I will pretend that I still want him by asking if he wants to get engaged ..I will find a way out of that conjob later )

 

You have my sympathy dude. You have been royally screwed over.