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It's hard to believe that I was voted "Shyest Girl" back in the high school senior polls. It seems like now I don't care about anything anymore. Maybe it's numbness mixed in with my pain. All I know is that even though I sometimes have ego problems like everyone else, there are times where it's almost like I have no pride at all. Like it doesn't matter what I do anyway because if he's not coming back, what do I have to lose anyway? I already lost the person that mattered to me most, so what's left to risk? This doesn't mean I can just go out and meet any guy. I seem incapable of feeling attracted to anyone anymore...maybe that's why I feel less shy.

 

Before, I was intimidated by guys to some extent, but now since they do nothing for me, it's like I could probably go talk to new people and not care whether they like me or not. Is that a good thing or bad thing?

 

So anyway, like tonight...I went ahead and emailed my ex something cool I saw on the web. My tone was light and conversational, as if we had never broken up at all. I didn't feel all panicky or anything. I told him I saw something neat and was sending it his way then let him know if he doesn't want me to contact him to just let me know. I then let him know I was glad I heard things were going well and even shared some of the tips for healing that I've learned on this website (although I didn't give him the name of the site...this is my private hide out!). I might feel differently later, but I don't even care if he writes me back. I didn't ask any questions so he doesn't have to feel obligated.

 

Why, when I feel so much pain, do I also feel this sense of "Who cares what I do because the worst has already happened?" Is that a sign that I'm healing or a sign that I'm in denial? Dissociated?

 

This is mostly just another vent (sorry but this site is like my diary!) but at the same time I would like to know if anyone else feels this weird way. For me it's been 3 months since the break up. If anyone else feels this way, what stage did you feel it? Does it go away? Also, would you say this is a bad state, normal, or a sign of future healing?

 

Anyway, today was a better day overall but then I went and emailed him, throwing caution to the wind. I hope I don't come to my senses and regret this...

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My guess is it will just be a drop in the bucket and the email won't have too much effect. You were nice and positive in it so it shouldn't merit any sort of negative response on his part.

 

Its also normal to have a sort of blunted effect after something so hard on you.

 

On the up side, if it is making it easier for you to approach people, then at least you aren't holding up alone. I think it is kind of like a built in coping mechanism that some of us have to get through stressful times. Your emotions shut off and you just go through the motions.

 

I felt it after some hard times and at one point to quite an extreme. It did go away. For me it helped to take a walk in the woods and be in nature. It sort of makes me feel more "connected" on intune.

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"...it's like I could probably go talk to new people and not care whether they like me or not. Is that a good thing or bad thing?"

 

This is a good thing, no matter who you meet you should treat them with the same respect regardless of who they are. Now, you should not care if they reject you or not because NOTHING they can do to you can possibly compare to the pain of your break up. If you survived your break up - you can easily survive a rejection from a stranger you have absolutely no love for.

 

"...So anyway, like tonight...I went ahead and emailed my ex something cool I saw on the web"

 

This was a mistake (I did this too). Not only did you break NC you acted as though nothing happened and have unintentionally invalidated your ex's feelings and need for a break up. Essentially you are not giving them the time and space they have asked for by doing this.

 

"...Why, when I feel so much pain, do I also feel this sense of "Who cares what I do because the worst has already happened?"..."

 

No the worst has not happened yet. The worst thing to happen is you pushing your ex to extreme levels of anger and absolutely destroy all chance of reconciliation.

 

Honestly, I think you're feeling dispair and you are not out of the woods yet. You're still holding onto some sliver of hope that things will go back to the way it was when it was good.

 

That relationship you had is DEAD and cannot be resurrected. You need to accept this and let go of it. The only recourse is to make a NEW relationship from scratch. And before you can do this, you need to fully heal and improve yourself to make your ex attracted to you again (like when you first met).

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Oh heck yeah. I e-mailed my ex telling him I still loved him after 2 months of NC. (He broke it in my bday on sunday). He said he was happy in a relationship and that was the only way to get over me (I dumped him first).

 

I guy I'm interested in texted me last night and I was so numb that I was completely chill and asked him out tonight. He was happy so it was good, but I don't even know if I want to go out tonight. I guess we just feel courageous and brave because we've been through all the pain already anyways. Who cares you know?

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