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Been thinking....Proposing an idea..


Cnstnt Evolutn
Brilliant Ideas on How to Be Happy
Brilliant Ideas on How to Be Happy

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Hey everyone,

 

Ive been thinking and i want to throw an idea out there. For those of you who know about my recent development - my idea is regarding that.

 

For those who dont, you can read my previous thread here...

 

 

This thread im writing now also gets a bit of inspiration from FriendnorFoe's recent situation.

 

Anyway, long story short, ive been NC 3 months - was out with my friends friday the 17th of april - and around midnight i get a call from my EX who was out with her gay friend drinking.

 

4 calls rang only once, as if they pressed send and then immediately pressed end. Finally the 5th call a voicemail is left - but its her gay friend whol left it but from HER cell #. This likely means they were out and talking/thinking about me, and it came up about calling me, im sure SHE was reluctant and he was like "DO IT" - hence the 4 one ring calls.

 

I ignored them - but i feel I could call back now and be fine with rejection. ive actually met another woman, who seems pretty cool - but i am still getting to know her.

 

This is how i assume the convo was when they called me,

 

Her: Oh, gawd, I hate to admit it, but I do miss him.

 

GBF: Then call him, girl. What're you waiting for?

 

Her: I dunno ... I dunno ...

 

GBF: Call him, girl! .... And where did you get those shoes?

 

Her: I wanna ... but I dunno ...

 

GBF: Well, dayum, girl, all stubborn ... you don't know how to go after your man. And that haircut looks just right on your face; I'd pluck the brows, though.

 

Her: I know ... I know ... I feel so bad ...

 

GBF: Imma just call him myself ... I know the true love when I see it --

 

Her: Wait!

 

GBF: Too late! Ha ha ha!

 

That i feel is the ideal situation that could have played out lol...

 

And i was wondering...what would you folks think of me returning those calls to see what that was all about??

 

Worst case scenario it was nothing and nothing changes. Best case scenario we drop the NC and work toward reconciliation, before i get heavily involved with this new girl. - i dont like stringing others along.

 

I'm "iffy" on the whole idea and wanted to get some insight or criticism from some objective sources

 

Let me know what you think...

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How would you feel if she didn't answer?

 

And then didn't ever call back?

 

Are you emotionally sound enough to handle that scenario?

 

What if she picks up and is rude?

 

Right now that ball is 100% in your court, do you really want to send it flying back to her side of the court?

 

Think about these questions before you decide.

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if you honestly think you could deal with the rejection then i would go for it. i would wait a little while, a couple of weeks and ring her very casually and talk. short snappy, confident, self-assured. a lot of girls don't do chasing whether they broke it off or not. they like to challenge you and test how bad you want it. if the conversation goes well, maybe arranging a catch up then see how things go. i think nc should only last as long as you can't deal with rejection or pain. if you've reached a point where nc is not going to help you as much as it has then maybe you reach out to her. i hurt a guy once and he did true nc, i just wanted to apologise and let him know that i wanted to be friends. the result was that two years later he wanted me but at this point i had no respect for him. when nc is dragged out it just feels like that person has major issues and you just want to keep away. nc works if after a little while you let her know your ok with it. that's the worst knowing someone is ok with it. but it takes a great deal of self control to not let bad habits come up and destroy whatever chances you have of getting back together. thats a choice you have to make.

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very childish and immature to make calls and not leave a message. It doesn't matter how the relationship ended, i don't see why a person can't leave a polite message if you didn't answer.

 

It doesn't sound like you are very into this new girl if you would consider dropping her to reconcile for the ex. Why not just take time out for yourself and regather your mojo. Or perhaps just stay friends with this new girl until you can make conscious decisions without the distraction of the feelings you still have for your ex

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This is how i assume the convo was when they called me,

 

Her: Oh, gawd, I hate to admit it, but I do miss him.

 

GBF: Then call him, girl. What're you waiting for?

 

Her: I dunno ... I dunno ...

 

GBF: Call him, girl! .... And where did you get those shoes?

 

Her: I wanna ... but I dunno ...

 

GBF: Well, dayum, girl, all stubborn ... you don't know how to go after your man. And that haircut looks just right on your face; I'd pluck the brows, though.

 

Her: I know ... I know ... I feel so bad ...

 

GBF: Imma just call him myself ... I know the true love when I see it --

 

Her: Wait!

 

GBF: Too late! Ha ha ha!

 

That i feel is the ideal situation that could have played out lol...

You owe me royalties now. My attorneys will be in touch.

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thanks a lot you guys...after i posted this thread i took some time and mulled it over and decided it probably wouldnt do me any good. I'll continue on my NC.

 

I just met the other girl and she is very cool. however weve only had a few convos, so i havent let anything develop yet. If im feeling this way i dont think im ready to break the NC - we'll see if she breaks it again on her terms, not her friends.

 

Im sure shes probably wondering why i havent followed up lol

 

I'll take it slow and see where it goes - in both situations. Im not going to call, ive done NC this far - why ruin it now.

 

And when i think about it, id actually RATHER it be in her court - so that if anything is done by her its cool...if not, out of sight out of mind

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I'll take it slow and see where it goes - in both situations. Im not going to call, ive done NC this far - why ruin it now.

OK, I'll play devil's advocate. How do you feel?

 

I, for one, feel great, or at least very good. Maybe it's because she and I split on relatively good terms, and maybe it's because I've confirmed that (1) she didn't secretly leave for another guy, and (2) she isn't seeing anyone now. In other words, it's been about just what she said it was about: time and space for both of us.

 

So I'm gonna break NC next month, but duly note that I'm gonna do it in a strategic way. I'm not gonna call her up and talk "relationship"; why on earth would I do that? I'm gonna ask her to lunch, and I'm gonna proceed in baby steps after that, just as I would with any new love interest. It's actually very low risk. In fact, there's little immediate risk of "rejection," because my expectations are very low: I just want to get us talking again and see where it leads.

 

On the other hand, she and I had a very long-term relationship, and we share an extraordinarly deep bond; I'm confident (now that I've regroup emotionally) that I can be that charming, funny, confident wise-ass that she fell in love with to begin with. I'm back in the personal space that I want to be in.

 

How you feel means everything. So how do you feel?

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How long is very long term?? hehe...

 

Thats just about the way id handle it. NO WAY would i talk relatioship stuff. ONLY briefly would we speak about it, and ONLY if she is the one to bring it up. What im feeling now isnt so much a desire for reconciliation, although i keep it in the back of my mind...but im feeling curiosity as to WHY they broke it and why they did it in that manner.

 

Also, im sure that she isnt seeing anyone else as of now, and didnt leave me for another man either. We also didnt split on bad terms. Dont get me wrong, it wasnt friendly, but no harsh terms or regretful things said. She said she couldnt do it anymore, and i did the normal stuff a person in that situation would do...ask why, try and figure out why shes doing it, convince her otherwise, and i did it for 1 weekend and that was it. Went NC for myself, reflected and realized it was i who pushed her away.

 

I then took responsibility for what i had done, apologized and said i wanted to fix it. She didnt think she could do it at the time, so i said "i respect your decision...its cool"

 

and fast-forward to today...

 

I had even considered calling the dude who left the message and seeing what it was all about, however since they are attached at the hip im SURE it would get back to her that i was asking.

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"Very long term" = 19 years

 

Anyway, you seem to have your act together. No harm in calling her, but if you have doubts (which I can tell you do), maybe it's best to put it off for a bit yet.

 

thanks bud and i think theres some truth to what you say about having doubts. i can put it off - well see if she breaks it again but on her terms, not her friends - im sure if she REALLY had something to say or wanted to talk to me she would have called again...

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I think you should call and ask what that was about. Keep it really, really light, kind of laugh at it... but I think it's reasonable to ask. It may be her way of inching back, testing the waters or whatever... but make sure you keep it light. Good opportunity to demonstrate you're a good-humored guy and that you're not miserable or mad at her. And of course, no expectations!

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Sorry if I missed it... BUT what did the message actually say? This is key info to know in order to help with a response...

 

The message itself was from her cell # but was her gay best friend. He had called first and im cool with him so i answered having NO IDEA they were together - told him i was out and then he started talking and we got disconnected so i hung up and when about my business

 

They were out and im assuming they got drunk, i became the subject and she wanted to call but wouldnt (pride maybe) so he took the phone - i assume this because i got 4 calls from her number that only rang ONCE - as if he was pressing send and then she was immediately stopping it because she wasnt sure...

 

The 5th call a voicemail was left, but it was the gay friend.

 

It said, verbatim, "hey "name", im in the city and was wondering where you were, and wanted to kno if u wanted to come out with me...I went to happy hour for the night and wanted to kno if you wanted to come out, so just give me a call..."

 

sort of as if he was covering for her...

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I think you should call and ask what that was about. Keep it really, really light, kind of laugh at it... but I think it's reasonable to ask. It may be her way of inching back, testing the waters or whatever... but make sure you keep it light. Good opportunity to demonstrate you're a good-humored guy and that you're not miserable or mad at her. And of course, no expectations!

 

I know i have a desire to do so but i really only want to do it if it was HER calling on her OWN TERMS...

 

id be fine calling and getting rejected lol, but i dont want to break the NC if she did not already break it first, and on her terms since she was the dumper.

 

ya feel me?

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I feel ya. NC is definitely working in your favor now. Not replying does make you look strong, which is a very good thing. On the other hand, if you've been wanting to talk to her, she's served you up an opportunity on a silver platter... it may be she was too proud to call herself. Me, I'd call. But I am decidedly not an authority on this

 

Either way, it's a good sign.

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IMe, I'd call.

Me too, screw it.

 

I mean, can the outcome of the call (or whatever it leads to) really be that bad? The worst should be over by now ... now you make your play and live with the result.

 

If it doesn't work out, then he gets on with his life, which he should be ready to do by now anyway.

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Me too, screw it.

 

I mean, can the outcome of the call (or whatever it leads to) really be that bad? The worst should be over by now ... now you make your play and live with the result.

 

If it doesn't work out, then he gets on with his life, which he should be ready to do by now anyway.

 

Ahh a silver platter really? - Id think it should come from her first...not him.

 

Ive decided to sit on it a bit longer, id really like her to break it, not via alcohol/friend influence - even if its really what she wants to do but wont yet because of pride...

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Oh dear.

 

Speaking as a person who has recovered from a nearly terminally broken heart, the main thing that jumps out in this thread is that you are desperately projecting what you wish were happening onto the situation. The farther you drive yourself into your fantasy land, the LESS likely you're actually turning into the "charming, funny, confident wise-ass" that you hope to be.

 

There could be a million and one reasons why those messages/ phone calls happened as they did. None of them really matter, except for the real reason it happened. I know you want to believe that they were talking about you, but seriously, who knows??

 

If you haven't called your mutual friend yet, perhaps you could call him and 1) make plans to hang out with him, and 2) ask him straight out why there were so many missed calls on your phone. If he feeds you a line, let it go. It might not be a line... it might be your unwillingness to face the truth.

 

I hate to be a downer here, but speaking from someone who has gotten over a traumatic breakup of a long term relationship ("only" seven years), the writing is on the wall for this one, at least to me.

 

Good luck in whatever you decide to do!

YS

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... the main thing that jumps out in this thread is that you are desperately projecting what you wish were happening onto the situation. The farther you drive yourself into your fantasy land, the LESS likely you're actually turning into the "charming, funny, confident wise-ass" that you hope to be.

He never said that; those are my words, and I didn't get any phone messages. You're connecting different stories.

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He never said that; those are my words, and I didn't get any phone messages. You're connecting different stories.

 

Hes got a valid point though. Who REALLY knows why it happened...only them - which is why its kind of bothering me, because id like to know to satisfy my curiosity...I can let it go though and I dont think im going to call, after serious consideration.

 

Its best not to dwell on it i feel...I mean tell me if im wrong - but if she REALLY wanted to talk to me i think she would have followed up with another call/email/text....anything

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You're right. If she really wanted to talk to you she would have called. This probably means she kind of wanted to talk to you but not enough to do it herself and/or to do it sober. You're probably better off ignoring it, and kind of chuckling inside that she's the one getting wobbly, not you. NC seems to be serving you well.

 

And I think if you call the guy, it'll definitely get to her anyway, so don't bother.

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You're right. If she really wanted to talk to you she would have called. This probably means she kind of wanted to talk to you but not enough to do it herself and/or to do it sober. You're probably better off ignoring it, and kind of chuckling inside that she's the one getting wobbly, not you. NC seems to be serving you well.

 

And I think if you call the guy, it'll definitely get to her anyway, so don't bother.

 

Exactly...so im still not gonna break it. If youve read on previous posts yesterday was my bday and i was going to see if she broke it to wish me a happy one, but to no avail lol

 

No biggie, i didnt expect one - just thought maybe it was possible because of it being broken last week by her and her friend.

 

silly waiting game...i mean i DO have other interests, but im of the mind not to lead these others on if im truly not over the last one and was thinking of still holding off on hardcore dating.

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