Jump to content

Can porn ruin a marriage???


Recommended Posts

Why Does He Want To See You In A Bi...
Why Does He Want To See You In A Bikini?

My husband and I have been married for almost a year now. There isn't much of anything I would change EXCEPT for the fact that I feel like I'm being somewhat replaced in the bedroom. How so??? I will be using the computer and will see porn sites from time to time. I will bring it up to him and he assures me that he doesn't do it often... but how do I know that he's telling the truth?! And then I ask why he does it at all and he says that he doesn't want to wake me up. That's BS! I just feel neglected. How do I deal with this? Should I just accept the fact that he is a guy and WILL do this? Please help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can porn ruin a marriage???

 

Yes it can and does. A while ago I quoted a statistic I'd seen from the family court in Australia. Basically 20 years ago, pornography addiction/use was not in the top 20 reasons given to the courts for Australian divorces. Today it is comfortably in the top 5.

 

But in your case get some perspective. Many men do use pornography and reasonably harmlessly. You should encourage you husband to be open about his use, talk to you about it and try and understand whetherr he has control of it or it has control of him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, basically I tried to tell him that I was talking to a girl friend of mine who was having an issue (this issue). I asked him what he would say for her to do and he told me that she needed to get over it... that guys WILL do it regardless. He said that he didn't do it often but I just don't understand that if I am here... in close proximity to him... why doesn't he fulfill his needs with me? why does he have to resort to internet porn? I hate the internet for that matter... because they make things such as this SO easily accessible. And now everything in today's society is so porn-oriented it seems and well, I just feel like I'm being cheated on with a machine. Everything else in our marriage is great but I will NEVER understand why the internet is used more than I am.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can only go out on a limb here, but for him, not everything is about you. Men sometimes just need to have a stress release with no expectations or responsibility to provide an orgasm for someone else.

 

It's mindless and has nothing to do with your sex life. Until it does. If that makes sense.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Also, when I do bring it up... he says that I am insecure (uh, yeah... when I find these things out and not him coming out and telling me... that's when I become insecure) and have no reason to be. I just don't understand how I can think of him and only him while we're intimate yet fear that he is thinking of someone else. Is it just hopeless?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Also, when I do bring it up... he says that I am insecure (uh, yeah... when I find these things out and not him coming out and telling me... that's when I become insecure) and have no reason to be. I just don't understand how I can think of him and only him while we're intimate yet fear that he is thinking of someone else. Is it just hopeless?

 

Because most men think like men, and not women. There are women who think like men, and men who think like women, and most people a spectrum somewhere in between, but you can't just say "WELL I FEEL THIS WHY WHY DON'T YOU?"

 

It's not fair to him and you'll just drive yourself nuts. If it isn't affecting your sex life, then calm down and keep perspective.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hexaemeron, that's the tough part though. How will I know it's not harmless??? It's not like he is going to come parading out and say "alright, I don't feel attracted to you anymore?'? Know what i mean???

 

Actions always speak louder than words. Do you two still have amazing frequent connected sex?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I will NEVER understand why the internet is used more than I am.

 

Well it shouldn't be but I sense that you don't know if it is anyway.

 

I can't question your values, they are yours. But lets assume you husband uses porn once or twice a month for example. That sort of usage is unlikely to be a substitute for intimacy with you nor is it really competition for your intimacy requirements.

 

If he likes the occassional down time with porn and it is not affecting your relationship in terms of frequency of sex or intimacy then maybe a better approach is to compromise on it and not make him feel like it is wrong.

 

It's a fine line because it can be insidious.....give a bit, take a mile but I would be inclined to try and understand it more than fight it at this stage.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hexaemeron, that's the tough part though. How will I know it's not harmless??? It's not like he is going to come parading out and say "alright, I don't feel attracted to you anymore?'? Know what i mean???

 

He's masturbating not screwing someone else.

 

If it bothers you that much, tell him that you feel that way. O even better, tell him that you would like to watch it with him and starting using it together as sexual tool.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I tend to think so when we are together... the connection is great. But there will be moments when I'm having a great time but all of a sudden this thought that "what if he's thinking of someone else"? Then I get depressed and out of the mood.

 

Most of the time he uses the net when I'm asleep... generally around 3 or 4am. I can't stay up that long and he won't go to bed when he is wound up. Thus, this helps me sleep. But what if I waited all night before bed for him and I don't get what I want? Well, I don't hit the PC and get my fix and then go to bed. I just turn the other way and fall asleep.

 

I also think with him listening to a lot of Stern radio... the majority of the guests are in the industry somehow... and thus, he wants to see what they are like, what they do.. etc. Ugh, can't it be the 40s again?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I completely understand how neglected you must feel but there's sounds like much more going on than just porn. It sounds like you have both gotten into different routines and are almost living separate lives inside the home. Not good.

 

He needs a break off time where his wife and family comes first. I feel 10 o' clock is late enough for any husband to quit and spend time with his wife no matter how much more there is to do. How are you both with negotiation?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, but I have brought that up before... the time set aside thing. He will be great for 2 weeks and then slowly revert back to his daily routine. His job consists of lots of PC time and his personal site requires constant updating. He told me before that I knew what I was dealing with before we got together and married. That's pretty much being held over my head... like it's my fault for not being completely understanding.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I thought I was the only one with this problem. I'm in the exact same boat as you. Sometimes I'll wake up to find him on the computer watching it. It really does hurt, especially for me since I just had a baby. It ruins your self esteem. I've posted on here about the same issue, good luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Personally, my husband "dated" other women online whether it was chatting or porn. It was cheating, plain and simple. It replaced about half of our sex life. It turned me right off and it hastened the cold feelings and the demise of our marriage. The bottom line was that he'd rather take the easy way out and deal with women he didn't have to interact with intimately or practically. It is a form of running away emotionally. I don't buy the "stress relief" factor, he could take up golf. lol

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A while ago I quoted a statistic I'd seen from the family court in Australia. Basically 20 years ago, pornography addiction/use was not in the top 20 reasons given to the courts for Australian divorces. Today it is comfortably in the top 5.

 

Would you be able to provide a link for that? Thanks!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes it can and does. A while ago I quoted a statistic I'd seen from the family court in Australia. Basically 20 years ago, pornography addiction/use was not in the top 20 reasons given to the courts for Australian divorces. Today it is comfortably in the top 5.

Interesting stat, but for any individual case, this does not tell us if the porn is causing the problem or is merely a symptom of the problem. Is the guy using porn because he is an addict or is he using porn because his wife is not interested in sex or has gotten very out of shape?

 

Men sometimes just need to have a stress release with no expectations or responsibility to provide an orgasm for someone else.

 

It's mindless and has nothing to do with your sex life. Until it does. If that makes sense.

Yep, sometimes you just need a quick release.

 

Also, when I do bring it up... he says that I am insecure (uh, yeah... when I find these things out and not him coming out and telling me... that's when I become insecure) and have no reason to be.

Many guys don't say anything about watching porn b/c of the stereotypical female reaction. Of course some guys may not say anything b/c they are real addicts, and we know how addicts behave.

 

Because most men think like men, and not women.

The root of so many male-female problems.

 

Actions always speak louder than words. Do you two still have amazing frequent connected sex?

+1

 

Damn you Hex, you are taking all the words right outta my mouth.

 

I tend to think so when we are together... the connection is great. But there will be moments when I'm having a great time but all of a sudden this thought that "what if he's thinking of someone else"? Then I get depressed and out of the mood.

Lots of people fantasize during sex, even women. Ever read My Secret Garden?

 

Personally, my husband "dated" other women online whether it was chatting or porn. It was cheating, plain and simple. It replaced about half of our sex life. It turned me right off and it hastened the cold feelings and the demise of our marriage. The bottom line was that he'd rather take the easy way out and deal with women he didn't have to interact with intimately or practically. It is a form of running away emotionally. I don't buy the "stress relief" factor, he could take up golf. lol

Well, if it replaces half your sex life, it's a problem.

 

You don't buy the 'stress relief' factor because you are a woman. You also won't buy the 'variety' factor.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

 

Well, if it replaces half your sex life, it's a problem.

 

You don't buy the 'stress relief' factor because you are a woman. You also won't buy the 'variety' factor.

 

Had he been honest and upfront with his preferred method of "stress relief" and his penchant for "variety" I wouldn't have married him. He knew this and lied by omission.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Had he been honest and upfront with his preferred method of "stress relief" and his penchant for "variety" I wouldn't have married him. He knew this and lied by omission.

 

That's a great point.

 

As partners, it is up to us to decide what kind of relationship we are willing to enter or stay in. We set our own rules.

 

No woman should allow other people to convince her to accept something she's not comfortable with.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Had he been honest and upfront with his preferred method of "stress relief" and his penchant for "variety" I wouldn't have married him. He knew this and lied by omission.

Got it. Now that I'm a bit older and wiser, I usually let women know early on that I have/watch porn. If they have a problem with it, they can leave. Most seem to be cool with it. But they also know that it does not take away from our sex life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's a great point.

 

As partners, it is up to us to decide what kind of relationship we are willing to enter or stay in. We set our own rules.

 

No woman should allow other people to convince her to accept something she's not comfortable with.

 

It's not just that he lied by omission, he deliberately led me to believe otherwise. The entire community thinks he's a great guy but I know better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...