Getting over someone who just wants to be friends?

[Scorpio8647]

Ok I have a question, how do you lose feelings for a guy who says that he only wants to be friends with you? I like this guy I've been talking to and he's about to leave to go to another state. So any chance of a relationship with him is pretty slim since he made it clear that he's focusing on school and work and this big move and he has no time for relationships at this moment.

 

I appreciate that he was honest. I'm conflicted because he says he still wants to be friends and I at least want that as well. I just don't want to do the no contact thing because I've grown very attached to him and we have great conversations and he's cool. So what ways can I find myself to get over him without cutting him out of my life? I'm also extremely sad that he's leaving next month. Like I said, he's the best thing that has happened to me in awhile. It's going to be hard to get over.

[annie24]

i am in exactly the same shoes as you right now (except mine is moving to europe!) i'm just going NC. i can't handle having my feelings torn apart anymore. spending time with him is making me more sad than happy.

[IMAbadman]

Your question is much like asking, "How can I swim and not get wet?"

[Scorpio8647]

i am in exactly the same shoes as you right now (except mine is moving to europe!) i'm just going NC. i can't handle having my feelings torn apart anymore. spending time with him is making me more sad than happy.

 

It's hard, I'm trying no contact but I just find myself calling him when I feel anxious just to see how he's doing. This is going to be hard to let go. He's one of the few people that I feel a connection with.. someone that I click with and it's rare to find someone like that with me. I don't know how long it will be for me to find another person.

[renaissancewoman101]

It's hard, I'm trying no contact but I just find myself calling him when I feel anxious just to see how he's doing. This is going to be hard to let go. He's one of the few people that I feel a connection with.. someone that I click with and it's rare to find someone like that with me. I don't know how long it will be for me to find another person.

 

I've been in your position before, esp with someone that meant a lot to me and had a connection that I hadn't ever met. I do understand your fears of never meeting another person who has that type of "connection" with you.

 

Just remember that keeping this person in your life is not going to be easy and will be emotionally painful. Make sure it is worth it. If it is, then go for it. We only have one life to live.

[indierockgrl]

time, time and more time.... NC helps a lot too.

[annie24]

i know!!! i hear you. i am exactly where you are right now. and it sucks. i just can't handle talking to him right now. maybe in a few months, ok. and plus, i've gotten tons of mixed signals from this guy too. like he was very interested at first, but with each day closer to the move, it feels like he's backing off..... my heart can't take it and i'm tired of crying... i need NC.

[ghost69]

you tell them you cannot be friends and leave it at that.

[renaissancewoman101]

you tell them you cannot be friends and leave it at that.

 

Not to be critical because that's not how I am, but it is amazing that you can be so cold, clinical and practical about this.

 

When it comes to feelings of the heart, sometimes it is not as clear cut as this.

[COtuner]

i am in exactly the same shoes as you right now (except mine is moving to europe!) i'm just going NC. i can't handle having my feelings torn apart anymore. spending time with him is making me more sad than happy.

 

Me too. Mine was laid off work and will be going away soon. I doubt I'll see him again, even as a friend. :sad:

[Scorpio8647]

i know!!! i hear you. i am exactly where you are right now. and it sucks. i just can't handle talking to him right now. maybe in a few months, ok. and plus, i've gotten tons of mixed signals from this guy too. like he was very interested at first, but with each day closer to the move, it feels like he's backing off..... my heart can't take it and i'm tired of crying... i need NC.

 

OMG Annie are we talking to the same guy? Because everything you're saying in this paragraph is happening to me. At first he pursued me and seemed very into me. Then after a couple of dates he got distant and told me that he just wanted to be friends and that he was very busy with work and school. Now a week ago, he dropped the bombshell that he's leaving to another state for school. So In a sense I'm mad that he just cut off his feelings for me like that..

[Scorpio8647]

I've been in your position before, esp with someone that meant a lot to me and had a connection that I hadn't ever met. I do understand your fears of never meeting another person who has that type of "connection" with you.

 

Just remember that keeping this person in your life is not going to be easy and will be emotionally painful. Make sure it is worth it. If it is, then go for it. We only have one life to live.

 

 

That's what I'm wondering if it's really worth it to keep him in my life? I'm sure he'll forget about me eventually and the phonecalls will stop and he'll find another woman.

[IMAbadman]

Not to be critical because that's not how I am, but it is amazing that you can be so cold, clinical and practical about this.

 

When it comes to feelings of the heart, sometimes it is not as clear cut as this.

 

I understand you think of his answer as cold and cynical but in all honestly it is a logical and appropiate answer.

 

The OP wants to get over the guy but wants to stay in contact as a friend. WHY? Because she feels being his "friend" maybe he'll come around to a relationship with her. Quite frankly she's not going to get over him while she remains involved with him. Come on...

 

As I said earlier her question is like asking, "How can I swim without getting wet?"

 

If she wants to get over him she need to get away from him. How does one go about that? "Sorry, the friendship thing isn't working out." Done.

[browneyedgirl36]

Awww...I'm sorry you're having to deal wtih this.

 

To answer your question, there's probably no way to lose feelings for him. He's gotten into your heart, and you probably won't be able to push him out. I know this from lengthy (and heartbreaking) experience.

 

Do you think you can be a friend to him up until he leaves, still talking to him, hanging out with him, etc.? I ask because once he moves away, though it will be hard at first, I suspect it will get easier to be his friend from a distance because you won't have to deal with seeing him all the time. It may be harder right now because he's close by. Perhaps, once he moves away, you can cultivate more of a long-distance friendship with him because you know he's not right there, and it may not be as painful if you don't have to constantly see him and be reminded of things.

 

I don't know. I know some people will say NC, and I totally understand that advice, too. It depends a lot on how much you think you can handle.

 

Have you talked with him in depth about how you feel and your concerns about maintaining a friendship with him?

[Scorpio8647]

I understand you think of his answer as cold and cynical but in all honestly it is a logical and appropiate answer.

 

The OP wants to get over the guy but wants to stay in contact as a friend. WHY? Because she feels being his "friend" maybe he'll come around to a relationship with her.

 

Come on... As I said earlier her question is like asking, "How can I swim without getting wet?"

 

If she wants to get over him she need to get away from him. How does one go about that? "Sorry, the friendship thing isn't working out." Done.

 

I think most likely I'll do no contact and perhaps maybe I'll contact him in the future when my feelings subsides and I'm over him. Like I said, I really want to be his friend if I can't get a relationship outta him. It will be hard but I will have to stop contacting him.

[IMAbadman]

I think most likely I'll do no contact and perhaps maybe I'll contact him in the future when my feelings subsides and I'm over him. Like I said, I really want to be his friend if I can't get a relationship outta him. It will be hard but I will have to stop contacting him.

 

Spoken like a true lady. Once those feelings subside sure, why not go after that friendship then. Until then you'll just be mentally beating yourself.

 

I'm sorry for you. We all know life, and emotions, aren't always fair.

[Scorpio8647]

I told him about how I feel and he apologizes and he keeps saying that a relationship just isn't something that he wants at the moment because of all the stress in his life and this transition of moving.He's been understanding but even he suggested NC which hurted me a little bit. He says that he wants the best for me and that he wants me to find someone that makes me happy. It almost sounds like he wants to end things anyway.. Almost like he doesn't want a friendship. I've noticed that I've mainly been the one calling and being in contact with him these last couple of weeks. He says he won't be a stranger and that he will call me and that I'm welcome to call him anytime. I'm confused because without this guy, my life is going to be pretty depressing and boring. Like I said, he was the only thing at this point that made me happy or smile sad to say.. I suggested we could hang out one last time before he leaves and he said he's cool with it.

[browneyedgirl36]

Good points. While sometimes staying in contact and remaining friends can lead to a strong, lasting friendship, it can also be very painful if one person wants to stay friends simply out of hope that the friendship will blossom somehow into romance. Sometimes, friendships DO blossom into romances, but..often they don't. I'm a big fan of hope, but I also am a big fan of realism, and I have learned not to invest too much hope into any one thing. I have learned that lesson the very, very hard way.

 

I understand you think of his answer as cold and cynical but in all honestly it is a logical and appropiate answer.

 

The OP wants to get over the guy but wants to stay in contact as a friend. WHY? Because she feels being his "friend" maybe he'll come around to a relationship with her. Quite frankly she's not going to get over him while she remains involved with him. Come on...

 

As I said earlier her question is like asking, "How can I swim without getting wet?"

 

If she wants to get over him she need to get away from him. How does one go about that? "Sorry, the friendship thing isn't working out." Done.

[annie24]

Spoken like a true lady. Once those feelings subside sure, why not go after that friendship then. Until then you'll just be mentally beating yourself.

 

I'm sorry for you. We all know life, and emotions, aren't always fair.

 

i agree. i think i have to do the same thing..... and when you feel stronger and better and over him, maybe then you two can be just friends.

[ghost69]

Not to be critical because that's not how I am, but it is amazing that you can be so cold, clinical and practical about this.

 

When it comes to feelings of the heart, sometimes it is not as clear cut as this.

 

cold? not at all. why lie to yourself. we are talking about YOURSELF ... the most important person on earth. if it was someone new, very easy to do as you shouldn't have much of anything as far as feelings goes. if you get attached quickly, something you need to work on. if it's someone you have been friends with for a long time and you bring up that you have feelings for them other than being a friend, well, the dynamic can change after that. a risk we all take. but hanging around in hopes something will develop isn't the right idea.

[l9grl]

Turn it around for a moment - imagine if someone really liked you and was starting to fall in love with you, and you just didn't feel the same way for him. Wouldn't you want him to move on? Wouldn't you want him to find someone who could reciprocate his feelings? Wouldn't it be somewhat uncomfortable to have him calling you up all the time?

 

As hard as it is, as much as it hurts now, I think 'no contact' is the wisest and healthiest choice. I think you know that deep down.

[Ms Darcy]

Aw, honey, I think that there is a bigger problem here. Relationships aren't guaranteed. You need to examine how your life is depressing and boring and look at how you want to make it more interesting to you. Do you have female friends that you connect with? I think trying to make friends would really help you at this time.

 

Like an above poster said, try to see this from his perspective. He's trying to let you down easy, but the simple truth is that he's just not interested anymore and the moving may just be one part of the reason why. I think you are right about him probably really losing interest - whether or not he was moving. I am wondering if you projected any neediness and insecurity towards him. Working on yourself and creating a happy life for yourself can really help you maintain a long term relationship as you would like with a guy that you feel a deep connection with in the future. Best of luck.

[lady00]

There are other things that are causing your unhappiness. He's just a representation of happiness in your mind. But he does not have to be. And saying goodbye will be hard at first but probably best over the long run. After enough time has passed, you'll be surprised how happy you can be without having him in your life. When i first started NC with someone I loved, I was torn up about it. I just continued and did not reply when he contacted me and as time has passed, I feel many times better. He is not my happiness. That is something I work at and create. Meeting new people who I am attracted to doesn't hurt either...but in my mind that really can only happen once I've let go of the last person I had feelings for, and that usually requires going NC (at least I have not found a way of moving forward without this).