Hanyou Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 I though I had a date with this girl I like but after confirming we would meet up tomorrow, she responded, canceling the 'hang-out' (feeling sick) and wanted to make sure I knew she only wanted us to get together as friends, she didn't want to date anyone this year... Is this an alright response? "I should've been clearer...was looking forward to this as a date so we could get to know each other more...thought we were kind of hitting it off at the party and there might've been a connection... Thank you for letting me know. When you're ready to date and you might be interested in me, just give me a ring; until then, we can hang out, like tonight or some other time, just as friends." Did I come off desperate? Did I give her too much 'control' now? I want her to know that I do like her but don't want to be her 'back-up'. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 i would have dropped off the bold. i wouldn't hang with her as friends if i wanted more. you friendzone yourself and give yourself false hope. Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 i'd leave out the part i bolded Link to comment
hei Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 The last sentence sounds like "i'm ok with being backup, ready and waiting for you". I'd consider atleast re-writing that one (no, I don't have any suggestions for you Sounds a bit like you have no plans of moving on, I think. The first line I like. Might have to steal the essence of it, for later use.. Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 The last sentence sounds like "i'm ok with being backup, ready and waiting for you". I'd consider atleast re-writing that one (no, I don't have any suggestions for you Sounds a bit like you have no plans of moving on, I think. The first line I like. Might have to steal the essence of it, for later use.. exactly. don't count on this chick ever wanting to date you Link to comment
jul-els Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 i would have dropped off the bold. i wouldn't hang with her as friends if i wanted more. you friendzone yourself and give yourself false hope. Agree with this. Everything sounded fine up until that last bit. If you try to have it both ways you're selling yourself short. You should pick a stance and go with it. Link to comment
Hanyou Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 I have no problem moving on. We barely know each other, hence the reason I wanted to get some one-on-one time with her. Does it make a difference that we only just met last month, the 2nd meeting was just this weekend and I asked her out then. The reason I put the "let's hang out as friends" is b/c I wouldn't mind us hanging out, she'll get to know what kind of person I am and maybe when she's actually ready (which I do believe she's holding off for now; I think she had a rough relationship in the past, just graduated and started new job, and volunteering overseas for a month or so)...I didn't want her to feel 'too' awkward to ask us to hang-out; she can have the ball in her court while I play some other games in the meantime, so-to-speak... Does it sound like I'm a 'back-up guy' though we barely know each other? Link to comment
ghost69 Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 I have no problem moving on. We barely know each other, hence the reason I wanted to get some one-on-one time with her. Does it make a difference that we only just met last month, the 2nd meeting was just this weekend and I asked her out then. The reason I put the "let's hang out as friends" is b/c I wouldn't mind us hanging out, she'll get to know what kind of person I am and maybe when she's actually ready (which I do believe she's holding off for now; I think she had a rough relationship in the past, just graduated and started new job, and volunteering overseas for a month or so)... Does it sound like I'm a 'back-up guy' though we barely know each other? and there it is. don't do it. Link to comment
flash83 Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 i would actually just not respond and cut any contact with her. Link to comment
Hanyou Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 Cutting any contact sounds so childish. We barely know each other; being friends can't be bad. Btw, i have done the whole fall in love with a friend thing before, so know what to avoid...that was the hardest 2 yrs of my life... Link to comment
flash83 Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 Cutting any contact sounds so childish. We barely know each other; being friends can't be bad. Btw, i have done the whole fall in love with a friend thing before, so know what to avoid...that was the hardest 2 yrs of my life... then avoid this, nothing possibly good can come out of it. and if you say you can make a new good/best friend then you are just kidding yourself. think about it. i don't mean to sound harsh but that last sentence you put in your response makes me question your judgment on what is childish. it sounds like something a desperate high schooler would put. no offense or anything. learn from those 2 'hardest years of your life', because this can grow into something similar. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 Cutting any contact sounds so childish. We barely know each other; being friends can't be bad. Btw, i have done the whole fall in love with a friend thing before, so know what to avoid...that was the hardest 2 yrs of my life... good luck then man. sounds like you have your mind made up to be friends with someone you want more with. and i've done that as well, hooked up with friends and gave it a shot. when it didn't work out, unfortunately, i lost those friends. sucks. but those friends were not someone i would have gone for in the first place, it just happened. someone new, i would never suggest being friends when my initial intent was to date. never have, never will. i move on. what are you going to end up with? a bunch of female friends that you asked out and got nowhere with and tell you about the amazing guys they met over the weekend or all the sex they had with this guy or that guy. can you stomach that while you still hold onto hope she will date you? don't sell yourself short. Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 Cutting any contact sounds so childish. We barely know each other; being friends can't be bad. Btw, i have done the whole fall in love with a friend thing before, so know what to avoid...that was the hardest 2 yrs of my life... it's not childish. it's to help you so that you don't develop feelings and still want to be with her more and more while she sees you as a friend. but if you know best, then do what you want. Link to comment
Yanet Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 She doesn't want to hang out with you. Just reply with "Alright, no problem" and move on to another girl. That long reply in your OP would be inappropriate. Link to comment
jul-els Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 Cutting any contact sounds so childish. We barely know each other; being friends can't be bad. Btw, i have done the whole fall in love with a friend thing before, so know what to avoid...that was the hardest 2 yrs of my life... The potential problem here is not falling in love with a friend. It's becoming platonic with someone you want to date; completely opposite scenario. The platonic thing obviously wouldn't be as painful as the love thing but it will still sting and be very frustrating. Just cut out on this one and look elsewhere. Link to comment
Hanyou Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 Sorry if I sounded defensive with the whole 'childish' thing with the cutting contact thing; came out wrong I think...I appreciate every feedback, no matter how harsh they are, provides clarity I'm almost positive that I can handle being friends. We barely know each other, she's just not interested in me (I will see it that way even though she only said it's b/c she doesn't want to date right now). I will move on. I will keep my eyes open. I do have some female friends that I have dated and we moved on, and I'm happy for them. One of my biggest crush has been dating this guy for over a yr now and I couldn't be happier for her (unless she was dating me =P but she's a good girl and has her head on straight.) The hardest 2 yrs of my life was with a friend that I liked since the beginning and we danced around dating/not dating until it finally decided to get together. After the breakup, I went LC for 2 mths and then NC for 1 so far...what I meant by what I learned is I knew how I felt whether we could friends or not. Before we started dating, I made up my mind that it was either a relationship or NC. Fortunately, she made the first move before I declared my 'ultimatum'. --So I pretty sure what I can handle; NC with someone you barely know but will see through friends seems as if I couldn't handle a rejection... I just didn't want to burn any bridges if she does gain an attraction to me in the future (and I'm available)...I already sent that message...I just didn't want to scare her off anymore...am I recoverable...in the meantime, c'est la vie Link to comment
flash83 Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 those are 2 conflicting statements right there. you say you will take it as she is not interested and not as she doesn't want to date right now .... but at the same time you are holding out with a stranger because she MAY gain attraction? cmon man. to be truthful, that message you sent already permanently friendzoned you. Link to comment
Hanyou Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 those are 2 conflicting statements right there. you say you will take it as she is not interested and not as she doesn't want to date right now .... but at the same time you are holding out with a stranger because she MAY gain attraction? to be truthful, that message you sent already permanently friendzoned you. I don't plan to hold out though. If she gains feelings for me by getting to know me as we hang out, AND IF I'M STILL INTERESTED IN HER THEN, that would be cool...but I'm wondering if I dug myself a hole SOOOOO deep that I would never get out of...? Honesty, that was the bold statement I needed to hear (or the opposite) but at least you said it. Thanks! Link to comment
OziJack Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 I don't plan to hold out though. If she gains feelings for me by getting to know me as we hang out, AND IF I'M STILL INTERESTED IN HER THEN, that would be cool...but I'm wondering if I dug myself a hole SOOOOO deep that I would never get out of...? You do not understand how attraction works in women...You are trying to create long term sexual interest in her by creating short term friendly COMFORT ...and comfort minus ATTRACTION is what motivates woman to stick you in the FZ in the first place. SO how is this going to works for you ? Your plan is to deliver MORE of what she already gets from you - COMFORT ! Here is another way to look at the folly of what you are planning. You are placing yourself in the FZ to get close to her and 'hang out' on a frequent basis and hoping that she will 'warm' to you..you are not being entirely honest here with her either. Trying to get in "thru the back door" is unmanly and rarely successful and is bound to fail because she wants you in the friendzone, and you want to place yourself in the FZ. so who, or what, is going to get you out? Let this one go dude, she is just one woman in a world swimming in chicas. Jask's Rule. Only date a woman who has an EQUAL or HIGHER interest level in you than you do in her. Link to comment
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