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Never saw this coming... I feel betrayed


silentheart
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

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My fiance of 3 years has always been the best man ever. He's never lied to me, he's always been there for me, always believed in me, and helped me overcome my 5-year battle with anorexia. He's a wonderful man.

 

We're pregnant. I'm 9 weeks pregnant. I've always had body image issues (hence the anorexia) so this is difficult. Getting bigger is hard. I'm no skinny-mini right now either (at 5'5 I weigh 147 lbs). I feel fat, unsexy, and ugly all the time. I've really been struggling about my body image issues and have talked to my fiance about them. He always says I am beautiful to him.

 

So why did he admit to me last night that he's been watching porn and masturbating the past week?

 

We had a promise to each other that porn would be watched only when we were together.

 

I feel so hurt. There's no chance I can look as perfect as a porn star. How could he break his promise when I'm at my most insecure and vulnerable point?

 

The pregnancy was unplanned. We're moving out May 1st. I'm morning sick all day long. The stress is unbearable. I just don't know how to deal with this right now.

 

I just don't understand how the perfect, most loving of all fiances could break a promise and watch perfect women on porn while his lover is feeling so ugly and depressed.

 

Can any one give me some insight please?

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Sweetie, you need to calm down. I was so thankful that this was not another cheating post. Have you talked to him about how this makes you feel? Communication is so important in a relationship and you are obviously hurting. Have you not been feeling sexual lately? He is probably just doing it for a release. Believe him when he tells you you're beautiful. I can be honest in saying that men for the most part, DON'T WANT pornstars, it's simply a means for sexual release. He loves you, is with you and thinks your gorgeous, remember that.

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Hi and welcome to enotalone.

 

I'm 9 weeks pregnant. I've always had body image issues (hence the anorexia) so this is difficult. Getting bigger is hard

Have you ever sought counseling for the body image issues? It might be a good time to start or return to counseling because these issues are going to be problematic throughout your pregnancy. If you feel this way at 9 weeks, with a lot further to go, I think you will only feel worse without some kind of intervention. I think Cognitive Behavioral Therapy would be a good choice.

 

As for the porn, I can understand why you would be upset about the lying aspect of it. What seems clear is that the communication has broken down between the 2 of you. You/your self-esteem are also in a more delicate state than usual due to the body image issues, so that it why it is so important to address those issues aside from the porn. It could very well be that he just didn't tell you to spare hurting your feelings- but maybe he had a high sex drive this past week and did not want to bother you since he knows you have not been feeling well due to the nausea and fatigue that are common in the first trimester.

 

has always been the best man ever. He's never lied to me, he's always been there for me, always believed in me, and helped me overcome my 5-year battle with anorexia. He's a wonderful man.

 

 

If he is a good person, I doubt he resorted to porn with the intention of hurting you-

 

I can understand your frustration, since I've had similar issues- not when pregnant- but right after I had my child and was recovering from a c-section. It felt like a slap in the face that my husband used porn. I get that part-the feelings- the disgust- but you also have to rationalize that the explanation for his porn use can be a simple one- and not that he does not find you attractive, does not love you, etc. He may have just had a difficult week and used it as a release. Since porn is used by both of you together, he may not have thought it was a really bad offense. He probably just wanted to preserve your feelings.

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Sweetie, you need to calm down. I was so thankful that this was not another cheating post. Have you talked to him about how this makes you feel? Communication is so important in a relationship and you are obviously hurting. Have you not been feeling sexual lately? He is probably just doing it for a release. Believe him when he tells you you're beautiful. I can be honest in saying that men for the most part, DON'T WANT pornstars, it's simply a means for sexual release. He loves you, is with you and thinks your gorgeous, remember that.

 

Well said and I totally agree with this advice.

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Porn stars aren't 'perfect'... many of them are strung out drug addicts whose lives are a mess and they have to sell their bodies to feed their habits. They're thin because they are coke or meth heads.

 

If you haven't already, get counseling to help you get past the idea that a perfect body is necessary for anything, including sex. I'm sure your guy isn't looking at them in order to experience their 'perfect' bodies, but because he's horny and wants a release. If you're sick all day long, i'm sure your sex life has been a lot less than before, and he's probably just releasing his sexual tension. Pregnancy is stressful on both partners, though obviously worse on you, it does change the couple's sex life for the worse in many cases because the woman just isn't interested because she feels ill and awful.

 

I would tell him how you feel, but recognize that he's a grown man and most men do look at porn, especially when their own sex lives are reduced and they are not having sex with their partner.

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Oh, hon...he's not looking at porn because he thinks you're fat and ugly and that those women are skinny and gorgeous. He's not comparing them to you at all. He loves you, he thinks you're beautiful. You're carrying his baby, and that's amazing and sexy. He's looking at porn because...well, because guys look at porn. If he's feeling like he needs a quick and easy release with no fuss and no complications, porn is an easy way to make that happen. As long as it's in small doses and isn't an obsession that takes him away from other important things, IMHO it's fine. And think about this: I bet that he intended to keep his end of the bargain, but if his goal in looking at porn this week was to get some quick and easy 'no fuss' satisfaction, then the thought of having a conversation with you about WANTING to look at porn was probably pretty daunting, and would have defeated the purpose! I'm not condoning breaking your agreement, but I'm suggesting that the agreement itself may be hard to keep. Ultimately his sexuality is his own, just as yours is.

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BellaDonna gave perfect advice. He still loves you. He still wants you. He still thinks you're beautiful. You're feeling stressed and have morning sickness. This doesn't sound conducive to being "interested." I'm sure he didn't want to bother you with an advance, given what you're going through, and just did it for a release. It sounds like you have a great guy. And great guys aren't interested in porn stars. Great guys only want the woman they love.

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