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Am I Being Kept In The Dark? Advice Please


Just Me85

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Hi,

 

My family situation is striking me as a little weird at the moment and I am a bit worried about my Mum. She became depressed a while back now and would say things about wanting to escape and how she doesnt regret it but would have done things differently. She opened a facebook account and spends hours on there on her laptop. Whenever her and my dad are in the front room where they used to always cuddle up and watch telly she will sit on the laptop and he will sit on another chair on his and they dont say a word. I worry about this because they dont interact anymore in the evenings, not even with me! It became extremely isolating for me to be in the house and stressful with the arguments that would go on.

 

I recently finished uni and although I had to live with them for a while while I got myself sorted, I have since moved into my own place which has been a lot better for me.

 

My Mum has been growing distant for some time now. Like little things where we used to go shopping she appears to make excuses or just say she would rather shop on her own. Then she started going away for weekends to stay at local hotels to "get away from it all". It seemed to be doing her some good so I didnt mind too much.

 

The today I spoke to her on the phone this afternoon. She has found herself a flat to go live in for a month and she moves in tomorrow. She has told all the family not to come and visit unless we make an "appointment". Never thought I would have to book out my own mother but I guess its cool if it means she will be happier! She keeps saying that its only temporary and everything is fine.

 

It spooked me a little bit because she said she would go home to visit the dog every so often but that she wanted to "disconnect" from the house. I couldnt help but feel weird about that. If she is coming back in a month, why would she want to disconnect? Also my dad has told her she is not allowed to leave him notes if she goes round nagging him to clean and tidy. I think this is only fair because if she is going away then she should leave him alone too.

 

Is it wrong being 23 years old and feeling affected by this? I just really hope its what she says it is and she just needs a break from it all. She kind of holds everyone together and I do get scared of what could happen. I mean, what if she likes being alone so much she doesnt come back?

 

I feel a bit sorry for my Dad because he says he is fine with it but I dont think it would be this way if he had a choice in the matter.

 

Im relieved I dont live with them anymore and I can detach myself from the whole situation. I want her to be happy so I support her all the way whatever happens. She is weird about seeing us though. The whole appointment joke seemed a bit weird. She said she doesnt want people to just turn up and the whole point of this is so she can be alone. Fair play.

 

Its just so alien to me. Is this normal behaviour? Im worried about their marriage but she gets defensive if I ask and says Im being silly. Could they be keeping something from me? Am I totally overreacting? Can someone put my mind at rest? Sorry for all the questions!

 

I was supposed to go round for tea tonight but decided against it. I think I just want to be on my own this evening.

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Dear Justme,

First let me say I am sorry for this disarray to your family. It must be so hard to sit back and accept the family unit being broken right now and not do anything.

 

It could be a number of things with your Mom. It sounds immediately like severe depression. I don't know how old your Mother is but often times when children leave and it is just the 2 left at home, one or both begin feeling as if they aren't connected to one another anymore and the relationship is over. This can be startling and depressing for both Mom and Dad but also for the whole family.

It could also be your Mom and Dad have decided to separate or divorce and are not sharing it yet. I would "gently" try to discuss with your Father. If you find that is not the case then I would try to nudge your Mom to counseling. If she is in a state of depression the first thing people very depressed do is what your Mom is doing- isolate. If so, even though she is saying to give her space, that is the last thing she really needs to heal. If she is clinically depressed she needs to have professional help and maybe even some type of antidepressant.

If you can open the lines of communication with Dad that is the starting point. The see what you can do to help Mom.

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They are not divorced officially but they are divorced mentally.

 

Sorry to say but if you think her going out and staying at hotels is just her "getting away" then your eyes are closed. I think it is practically certain she is not "alone" when she goes to these hotels. Just hearing about her going to the hotel alone to "get away" is suspicious enough, but spending hours a day on facebook as well while ignoring everyone else... I'd say it is almost a certainty that she's got a casanova on the side.

 

It doesn't sound like it is your dads fault and it definitely doesn't seem like it is yours. I think she's not happy with her life and is clearly wanting to get away and enjoy freedom from it with another man.

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What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

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