boyfriend cheated

[thinktwice]

OK this is my fist post so please bear with me.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 1 and a half years and we have a fantastic relationship from day one we've been living out of each others pockets, we are so close i never thought this was possible.

 

We had been going out about a month and I started to question myself thinking I'm not good enough for him, he told me one time that he had had a threesome with his only ex gf and that immediately made me think this is what he wants he wants some sort of a gf who will do these kind of things -now while I've always said that I wanted to have a threesome I wouldn't want to be the one in the relationship I'd want to be the third person so that I wouldn't have to see my boyfriend like that with another girl, so this was the start of feeling inadequate.

 

So for the next few months I began picking fights with him when we were drunk asking him why he's going out with me if I'm not good enough for him all the while he's trying to convince me he loves me that I'm the most beautiful girl ever yada yada yada, I just wont listen to him. These fights only happen when we're drunk and its purely because of that they never affect our relationship and the next day we get back to normal.

 

In December he went on a work night out and got extremely drunk I collected him and my best friend (who works in the same office) got home and went to sleep, the next morning I woke up and went to work as normal, he collected me from work that evening and was in the worst state I've ever seen him which I thought was a hangover, we got to his car and he said he needed to tell me something, he kissed another girl at the party the night before, I flipped I drove home not saying a word while he sobbed next to me all the way mumbling how sorry he is how much of an idiot he is how much he loves me. He was so drunk when it happened that he forgot about it, his friend had called him that afternoon to tell him what had happened, when we got home I rang my friend who was there she didn't want to tell me because it wasn't her place and he had to do it which I understood, I was in such shock that evening and thinking about it now I can remember every single feeling I had that night it has never faded or gotten easier I still think about it every single day I think about it sometimes when we kiss when we make love I wonder to myself what would have happened if they went any further, he says that it was a second long kiss and pulled away immediately but if he doesn't even remember how does he know that I've asked him that before but he says he just knows, I would never ask my friend who saw the whole thing I cant put her in the middle.

 

So my next thing was that I needed to know what she looked like I googled her and came accross her page and boy is she stunning with long blond hair sexy figure beautiful face.... everything I'm not. This is my problem I have no self esteem as if I didn't have much before this whole thing now its just plummeted I cant stand myself every time he compliments me (which is a lot) I either ignore it or turn up my face and say something childish like "your blind if you think that" or "yuck no I'm not", I would just like to be able to look in the mirror someday and be happy with myself.

 

So basically i need to know peoples opinion on his because at the end of the day I know it was a drunken thing and all but I'm never going to be able to trust him or even feel comfortable with him going out without me.

 

And will I ever be happy with myself?

[thinktwice]

i have thought of doing hat a lot of times and have nearly done it but we live together and i dont think it would be worth it for either of us to move out if its just a 'test'

[EQD]

you have to test him

break up with him and see how hard he tries to win you back

otherwise he will do it again

 

that is terrible advice.

not only is it childish it doesnt mean anything if he does fight hard to get her back. even serial cheaters, abusers, and users will try like hell. its not guaranteeing anything on his part.

 

you two both need to sit down and talk. not yell or cry. TALK.

OP, you have a self esteem issue you should focus on working out. its only going to disservice this relationship.

[hockeyboy]

don't play games/test him. if you believe he's truly sorry and this is an isolated incident and you can forgive him, then you need to do just that. Yes, he'll need to regain your trust and he should understand it will take some time...but you also can't just keep throwing it in his face (i.e. next time you get drunk and start bickering).

[thinktwice]

don't play games/test him. if you believe he's truly sorry and this is an isolated incident and you can forgive him, then you need to do just that. Yes, he'll need to regain your trust and he should understand it will take some time...but you also can't just keep throwing it in his face (i.e. next time you get drunk and start bickering).

 

this is so true i always feel like I'm doing just that

[EQD]

don't play games/test him. if you believe he's truly sorry and this is an isolated incident and you can forgive him, then you need to do just that. Yes, he'll need to regain your trust and he should understand it will take some time...but you also can't just keep throwing it in his face (i.e. next time you get drunk and start bickering).

 

i agree completely with this.

[thinktwice]

OP, you have a self esteem issue you should focus on working out. its only going to disservice this relationship.

 

how do i do this?

i presume you mean work it out?

[EQD]

how do i do this?

 

The way i did it was through conselling. it helped a great deal.

being able to talk one on one with someone who can put your problems in a proper perspective and give you methods to overcome those things.

 

first you need to realize that you have a self-esteem problem that will damage any relationship you are in, and then you have to decide you need to change it.

without those two you wont be able to make any progress period.

[Duckie198100]

He was drunk, did a stupid thing, but he confessed it to you right away. That means that he was genuinely remorseful. This is about YOU and YOUR insecurities. You really need to start introspecting and loving yourself, or you will tear your relationship apart. A man can only take so much or your lack of trust when he has shown you since then that you are his one and only.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

He was drunk, did a stupid thing, but he confessed it to you right away. That means that he was genuinely remorseful. This is about YOU and YOUR insecurities. You really need to start introspecting and loving yourself, or you will tear your relationship apart. A man can only take so much or your lack of trust when he has shown you since then that you are his one and only.

 

This advice holds a ton of merit, but I was afraid of this for you.

You cannot blame yourself for his actions.

It doesn't matter how insecure you are; he didn't control himself. You should NOT be paranoid that if you're not 100% on your game a man is going to sleep with other women. You don't need that bs.

 

But at the same time I think his admission is positive and definitely a sign that he isn't a bad guy. That's great. Try your best to forgive him and start working on a way to improve your perception of yourself.

 

This is a life skill- you are not to be self confident for him or to keep him for cheating on you. That's pointless.

 

You need to stop being so hard on yourself. No one is perfect and the road to self esteem is only as tough as you make it. You can get better you just have to want to and not let anything else get in the way.

[KJ2008]

i was cheated on many times by my previous g/f, and i took her back everytime..even after she broke up with me, dated someone for a few months, came back to me, cheated on me with that person again..i was a complete idiot. cheating should not be tolerated..thats just my opinion though.

[Kalypso]

Next time he compliments you, say thanks. Trust me, it'll make him very happy to hear it. I hate it when my girlfriend says that crap back to me.

[OrangeMoon]

Sweety..

 

its awful when you find out that your guy has cheated..and even more so when your selfesteem is already at a ultimate low..

 

Now..that ultimate low..is what i am worried about.

 

I think..even though it sounds as the most counterintuitive to do...i think you should take this mistake of his..and use it to take some time of for yourself. Some time off to work on your deeper issues regarding your selfesteem. Because the way you have talked about yourself consistently during the rels worries me..

 

No matter if your guy loves you a lot...you cant deny that their might be some responsibilty the both of you carried in this. Would he have been attracted to this other woman if you had been more confident with yourself? I dont know. Insecurity is not attractive...no matter how cute you think you are . Insecurity in a woman for most men will kill their desire..slowly but surely.

 

A bad seed..a slow killer.

 

Dont get me wrong, i am the first to say that what he did was not a choice he should have made,...drunk is no excuse.If he was able to have a good go with her...at the time he was not THAT drunk. But alcohol free's you from inhibitions more easily..but only the ones you would like to indulge in.

 

However, the insecurity-seed is always a slow killer as i said. One of the worst seeds there are when it comes to relationships.

 

I am not saying to not give your ex another chance..everybody deserves a real chance. Even when they have cheated (well sometimes, but you decide if it worth your while) But before you are able to give him that. You will have to give the most important one to yourself first. Get yourself some help to get to the heart of your selfimage problems. Take some time off from the rels and focus on you.

 

Now..if you take this seriously and think long term instead of short term..then focus afterwards on your rels.

 

Because it will only stand a chance if you decide to see this hurt as an opportunity to change.

 

And he? He needs to figure out if he still wants to be with you..he broke a trust..a bond. We all make mistakes..and you are never going to be perfect..but is he really in this..in you and him? If he is..he will wait..

 

Take it seriously girl..you got some work to do..

 

take care

[thinktwice]

(1)I don't think its very fair for you to say I have some responsibility for his actions, before this I was not insecure I had low self esteem yes but to me insecure means that I was worried that he might cheat on me and I never thought that about him,

 

(2)I don't think you understood I'm still with him.

 

(3)????

 

I understand I asked for your opinion but this did not help

[hockeyboy]

I think you have some responsibility as far as the relationship not being as strong as it can/could have been.

 

However, the cheating is 100% on him. But like I said before...either forgive him (in time) or move on.

[hexaemeron]

So wait a minute.

 

He kissed a girl. Kissed. No sex. Nothing. Just kissing. And you want to break up with him?

 

Maybe if you felt better about yourself, you wouldn't be pushing him away all the time. People will only tolerate that so long before they seek something, anything positive.

 

Let's try to keep things in perspective here.

[hockeyboy]

doesn't sound to me like she wants to break up with him.

[thinktwice]

doesn't sound to me like she wants to break up with him.

 

I don't want to break up with him

[alcide]

So why are u not feeling confortable goin out with him? Girl relax if you love the man and want your man do things to keep him, not to push him away, and you two should stop all those drinking, plus there is a saying, its not about the beauty is the grin at the end of the day.

[vivisection-8]

By the OP's own admission, she is very insecure and neurotic with respect to her boyfriend and admits that she has been from before she entered into their relationship. I'm not casting aspersions or drawing conclusions. I'm literate. I'm reading what she herself has said.

 

And I'm not making excuses for infidelity. I'm being realistic about human nature and behavior. I'm not saying what her boyfriend did was right. It certainly wasn't. But the man actively realized he made a mistake, was totally honest with her, and asked for her forgiveness. Her neuroses and self-esteem issues almost certainly played a part in what he did, but the choice was his and his alone.

 

I just don't see the point of dumping someone or endlessly punishing them for something relatively minor. I mean, I'm pretty sure we can skip the caning, right?

 

Why should someone feel it necessary to forgive someone who cannot adhere to the most basic of widespread beliefs: trust

 

 

[hexaemeron]

Why should someone feel it necessary to forgive someone who cannot adhere to the most basic of widespread beliefs: trust

 

 

 

Because no one in your life should ever make mistakes. No one should ever be real or vunerable or flawed. You want some cookie-cutter movie-of-the-week unlikely and unattainable romance. Best of luck to you.

[hockeyboy]

OP, I think you just need to take some time to decide if you can forgive him. It sounds to me like you want to (you said you don't want to break up). If you can forgive him...talk to him...let him know you do, but it's going to take some time. I think he'll be understanding of that.