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trying to figure out whats going on


mr me

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I think i finallly have been able to deal with all the pain ive been struggling to deal with. I just dont know because sometimes when your really depressed you end up having moments when everything seems good but then it goes away. I saw myself doing so bad that somehow my mind started to try to do things that are good for myself. Its strange because usually i would just think of all negative stuff. It also didnt make everything better because i was still struggling alot but at least i would end up trying to do things differently. Ive been really stuck with not wanting to separate from my ex or not being able to deal with us actually breaking up. Its something my mind completely blocked out because it was such a horrible experience and the way she treated me towards the end made me feel like i was nothing. I dont know if im ok now but it caused me to have so many issues that i almost felt like i would go crazy. I definitely couldnt deal with it but i had no choice. I tried to not contact her because i didnt want anything to do with her because of everything and i couldnt even think of how she could be that way with me. We basically thought we found mr or mrs right with each other so we talked alot about always being with each other, etc. Its hard to talk about but we always told each other to never change but for whatever reason she changed. It was weird because she would tell me mostly not to change and she did that. She also was talking to someone else towards the end and it drove me crazy because she didnt like that her 1st boyfriend/friend because it wasnt a real relationship cheated on her. So she didnt cheat but she basically left me for someone else. Its just weird because she liked me more but because of the distance she wanted someone to be there. I just felt like a crazy person because i told her this guy was trying to get with her and she didnt seem like that type of girl that could be sweet talked. She was really smart but she always wasnt so good at seeing how guys are around girls. I know she wouldnt of responded if she didnt like him but it was weird because she was like a completely different person so idk if thats how she was before. I know she was having trouble being around her abusive dad but with everything i just never could understand how you could really show how much you loved someone and then just treat them as bad as she did. She basically did whatever she wanted to push me away.

 

I know the reality now and how someone in the situation she was in can act like that because even now because of how she treated me ive had to deal with alot of issues. She was emotionally abusive and neglectful. She also would try to break-up with me whenever i did anything bad which messed up my mind alot from all the abandonment issues. Its like i know i dont deserve this and i can find better but when you arent aware of things till its too late it really messes up your mind. I basically was in love with someone that had 1 side that was the person i loved to death and 1 side that was basically impossible to have a relationship with. Its crazy because eventho i know all of this you still have to deal with wanting that person back because of all the stuff you go thru in a break-up. I can even say dealing with the break-up from all of this was 10 times worse then actually being with her. Its so weird i feel like a completely different person right now then just a few minutes ago. Its like when your depressed your mind is so different and then on top of that its doesnt really do things to make it change. So you end up almost feeling like thats your normal way of doing things and doing things that might be good for you end up feeling wrong. Also your really irrational and things might be blocked out so your mind is all mixed up as well as really doing bad and feeling bad. I just never saw a way out or even knew if there was a way out but somehow out of really no where i end up feeling like this. I really didnt do anything besides just stopping myself from doing anything to make it worse. I just felt like i needed to do things that were basically impossible so i would end up feeling better but it didnt get me anywhere. I still dont really know whats going on but im just trying to see how i am right now.

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Are you angry or lonely? Are you confused or tired? Somewhere near the end or after the end of a relationship I usually find myself really tired of being in limbo. I feel this way regardless of what the other person feels or is doing. I take it as my signal to begin thinking new thoughts, experiencing new things, and feeling different emotions. I guess I would call it stagnation.

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I guess what im somewhat confused about is i didnt do anything to get over her. I just did things so i wouldnt get back with her so i guess somehow thats all i needed to do. Its still hard for me to say that im going to be with someone else and that ill never be back with her. Its just i have a hard time still not liking her because she had so many good qualities and qualities i didnt even think you could find in someone. Its just with everything going on with us and our issues it was basically impossible. I know i have to try but its almost like bittersweet that it couldnt work out because we both wanted it to but it just couldnt work out. I also think she changed towards the end because she saw alot of stuff she was doing wrong and alot of the issues we had were because of her. Its just instead of dealing with them she just basically ran away and decided to make everything alot worse. I just pretty much hoped that one day we could actually be together and things wouldnt be as crazy as they were but i cant see myself ever being with someone that could treat me the way she did. Its just hard because im not completely over her because of how it was my first relationship and i didnt see it ending up like this. I just know that ill try to put myself in a position for things to end up better for myself im just not so sure if they will end up so good because my whole life ive basically just been stuck with dealing with alot of bad things. Also all of these bad things were things that were really out of my control. I guess i can try to see that it wasnt all bad but its still pretty painful because i was really trying to make my life turn out good. I guess it was just seeing how bad things were and even if they werent going to happen because i was stuck dealing with alot of negativity, I at least tried to make things happen so hopefully it wasnt all bad. I guess it wasnt all bad but after so many bad things its hard to really see them for what they were.

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Im not really sure how to answer your question. I know i was completely exhausted when my relationship was over but thats because i was really carrying the relationship hoping that somehow later on things would get better. Its just the way things turned out it actually got alot worse to where i would of been better off gettin out of it before it got as bad as it did. I also got really depressed and had almost like a why is this happening to me feeling so i didnt see any good coming out of all of this.

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I dont know if i really see that as a good thing. I mean im having trouble seeing anything really as being good because being depressed so long and having to deal with so much on top of so much. I feel like i should be happy that this is gettin to be over but im not. I almost just dont want any of this to be happening because i never wanted to have this happen to me or be in a relationship like this. I can see where experience can be a good thing but basically all i learned was all the issues i was going to have to deal with because of the way i grew up. Im stuck dealing with a very messed up reality and for the most part i really just wish i didnt have to. I know that you can move on from this and get better or end up better than you started but i have so many negative things to deal with that i dont even see the upside to it. Its basically damned if you do or damned if you dont because now im stuck dealing with my own life basically alone with things being so much worse then they were before because now i have this giant black hole in my life that basically sucked away all the good from my life. All i can hope for is that somehow i can separate myself from what ive gone thru because if not its going to make everything in my life harder than it already is. Its crazy because my whole life im tried to be away from all the bad things in my life because it was just too much but now i have to deal with all of them. I really dont want to say too much because im just in such a miserable mood.

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