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Secret Admirer? UGH.


browneyedgirl36
From a Secret Admirer
From a Secret Admirer

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Hey Everyone...

 

Just thought I'd post for a few opinions on this.

 

I am a college teacher, and in the past week, I have found TWO notes slipped under my door from the same guy -- a student, who only identifies himself by his first name. He is not one of my students, but he IS a student at the college. The first note said how he sees me all the time when he is on the way to class, and that I am so beautiful, my hair, eyes, smile, etc. are beautiful, etc. and that I am the most amazing woman on the campus. So, I read it, giggled to myself, showed it to a colleague, we giggled some more. Honestly, it was flattering, in a way -- it's always nice to be told that you're attractive in a polite, non-vulgar way. Well...this morning, there was another note. This one said that he hasn't seen me in awhile, but that I have been on his mind all the time, that he wanted to introduce himself to me, ask me on a date, and treat me like the queen that I am. He finished the note by saying that he saw the smile on my face when I read his previous letter. Oh my.

 

Ok, so, here's the deal. He's a student, and even if he's not one of mine, I would not feel comfortable interacting with him in any sort of personal way. I do not want to do ANYTHING to encourage him, but I suspect that he will find me on campus and attempt to introduce himself in person (I have no idea who he is, so I wouldn't recognize him if I saw him.)

 

My questions to you:

 

I'm feeling a bit creeped out by this. Am I over-reacting? The first note was mildly flattering, even a bit amusing, but...the second one, in which he said he'd thought about me a lot and that he saw my smile when I read the first letter....that seems creepy to me -- it sounds as if he's watching me. That makes me uncomfortable, especially since I have NO idea who he is and wouldn't know to avoid him if I saw him.

 

Whether I'm over-reacting or not, do you have any suggestions as to what I should do? I think that contacting the campus police is overkill. He hasn't threatened me, but...I'm worried that he could be one of those types who fixates on someone, imagines a relationship that doesn't exist, etc.

 

My gut tells me, thus far, that he's not dangerous, but...I am uneasy. It could be because he is going on and on about my beauty, wanting to take me on a date, etc., and I've never seen the guy before in my life, and he's never met me.

 

Any suggestions? I'd hate to over-react and get someone with a harmless crush into trouble.

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The first note just sounded overeager and harmless, but the fact that he was there to see your reaction kinda suggests that he's keeping tabs on you on top of being really into you. That doesn't necessarily mean he's dangerous and crazy, but it is an indication that this guy might not be 100% all there.

 

If he approaches you, let him down easy. If it continues after you have that convo...well, let's not worry about that yet, lol.

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Oh man. The part about him seeing you smile when you read the note is creeeepy.

 

One of my friends from high school is a college professor, and twice in the past couple of years she has had students do stuff like this. One was a note and one was an email. Both times she took them to someone- I can't remember who- it wasn't security- I think it was something like the Ethics Committee? In her case, though, both "admirers" were students of hers, and she was very paranoid and wanted to make sure there would be no accusations of impropriety, etc.

 

I would get advice from a senior staff member- do you have a mentor, or a dept. head, or even an HR rep you could talk to about this?

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be careful. i've had this happen early in high school. it went on for 2 months before we found out who he was. and my guy friends nearly beat him up. it was all a plan the guy had with one of my "enemies", so it was not a simple crush. i don't know many simply "shy" guys who would send two notes like that.

 

i agree with the getting advice from a senior member.

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For now, I would do nothing. However, I would keep ALL records (email, notes, etc) on file.

Hopefully, your silence/lack of response will discourage him.

 

If he approaches you in PERSON (rather than through notes), then I would try to let him down easy. If he STILL approaches you AFTER you've let him down in person, then I would contact the department head and inform them of your troubles w/ this student.

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The first note just sounded overeager and harmless, but the fact that he was there to see your reaction kinda suggests that he's keeping tabs on you on top of being really into you. That doesn't necessarily mean he's dangerous and crazy, but it is an indication that this guy might not be 100% all there.

 

If he approaches you, let him down easy. If it continues after you have that convo...well, let's not worry about that yet, lol.

 

Thanks, Tyler. I agree, he doesn't seem dangerous, but at the very least, he seems a bit over-eager, and that causes me some concern. I suspect he just isn't very socially adept, and that maybe he doesn't realize the inappropriateness of wooing a teacher via notes slipped under her door.

 

My gut tells me to politely decline his offer of a date, but if he seems at ALL persistent, or if the notes continue, I may have to call on one of the campus police officers for assistance. A colleague today was just telling me about a student who was arrested for stalking another colleague. He even found out where she lived and showed up there. Yikes! I definitely don't want anything like this to happen.

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Oh man. The part about him seeing you smile when you read the note is creeeepy.

 

One of my friends from high school is a college professor, and twice in the past couple of years she has had students do stuff like this. One was a note and one was an email. Both times she took them to someone- I can't remember who- it wasn't security- I think it was something like the Ethics Committee? In her case, though, both "admirers" were students of hers, and she was very paranoid and wanted to make sure there would be no accusations of impropriety, etc.

 

I would get advice from a senior staff member- do you have a mentor, or a dept. head, or even an HR rep you could talk to about this?

 

Thanks, Jenny. I can talk to my Dean about this, and I probably should mention it to him. I'm sure he's heard stories like this before. Maybe he can provide me with some guidance as to how to proceed if the notes keep coming.

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For now, I would do nothing. However, I would keep ALL records (email, notes, etc) on file.

Hopefully, your silence/lack of response will discourage him.

 

If he approaches you in PERSON (rather than through notes), then I would try to let him down easy. If he STILL approaches you AFTER you've let him down in person, then I would contact the department head and inform them of your troubles w/ this student.

 

Thanks, Ellie. This seems like my best option.

 

I admit, I'm a little freaked out by him approaching me. At least if I knew who he was, I could avoid him, but I have no idea.

 

What's weird is that, the morning I got the first note, I looked out into the hallway to see if anyone was out there, and the hallway was EMPTY. So...how could he have seen my reaction to the note? Where was he? Certainly, he could have been bluffing; he may not have seen me at all, but I know I probably DID smile when I read it -- honestly, I was really taken aback and a bit amused.

 

I have decided that I will arrive to class exactly on time from now on. Fortunately, there are always several of my students waiting for me when I get there (they tend to arrive earlier than I do), and it appears that he's left the notes while I am in class. I go straight to another class after my first one.

 

I am uncomfortable because last year at this time, I had a student (a female) sending me dozens of e-mails a week and calling my voicemail and leaving long, rambling messages. She was mentally ill, and had stopped taking her medication and was having delusions and paranoia, and she never made any threats toward me directly, but it really shook me up, and so anything even remotely unusual triggers something, I guess.

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Have never been the note passing type, but if I did, I'd sure hang around to see how she reacted. In your shoes, I'd wait for him to approach and thank him for the compliment, but that you absolutely will not date a student.

 

Agree, no need for campus police or talking to any authority figures, nothing this guy has done warrants that IMO.

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Yes, I think the best bet for now is to be a little bit more vigilant, without getting overstressed about it. I agree with you that it is a good idea to try and avoid being alone (like going to class on time or leaving the campus later in the evening).

 

I have had similar experiences and fortunately, they all turned out ok but I remember being seriously freaked out at the time. Take care of yourself!

 

 

p.s. Also, are you certain that this individual is a student?

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Have never been the note passing type, but if I did, I'd sure hang around to see how she reacted. In your shoes, I'd wait for him to approach and thank him for the compliment, but that you absolutely will not date a student.

 

Agree, no need for campus police or talking to any authority figures, nothing this guy has done warrants that IMO.

 

Thanks. I won't be talking to any police or others unless he does something that makes me believe he may be stalking me -- i.e. if he identifies where I live, or otherwise indicates that he has been watching me or checking up on me. Or, if he approaches me, I politely decline, and he persists despite my declining, I will talk to someone. I just get a little freaked out because of a previous experience I had, not with a student who had a crush on me, but with a mentally ill student who was fixated on me and contacting me constantly.

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Yes, I think the best bet for now is to be a little bit more vigilant, without getting overstressed about it. I agree with you that it is a good idea to try and avoid being alone (like going to class on time or leaving the campus later in the evening).

 

I have had similar experiences and fortunately, they all turned out ok but I remember being seriously freaked out at the time. Take care of yourself!

 

 

p.s. Also, are you certain that this individual is a student?

 

Thanks, Ellie.

 

I'm pretty sure he's a student because he said, "I always see you when I'm on my way to class." I suppose it COULD be an instructor, but it was written on lined paper, in pencil, and I don't know of any instructors with that particular first name. Hmmmmm......

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not with a student who had a crush on me, but with a mentally ill student who was fixated on me and contacting me constantly.

 

Ouch, that makes things different. Are there lots of such types where you teach? If so, maybe more vigilance is warranted.

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Ouch, that makes things different. Are there lots of such types where you teach? If so, maybe more vigilance is warranted.

 

Yeah, I teach at a community college in a fairly large city. We have quite a few students who could be classified as "difficult" -- gang members, ex-convicts, the occasional white supremacist, etc., as well as many folks who are pretty severely mentally ill and are not taking their medications or are otherwise not receiving proper treatment. We've had students who were wanted by the FBI, students who stalked teachers, students who were expelled for attacking people...the list is endless. I have really only encountered a few really creepy types in my teaching career, so I've been fortunate, but I've definitely heard some stories.

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Yep, like what was said earlier you want to start an official record of this with a your boss just in case it blows up. You will have a higher authority on your side early. Plus he or she may have dealt with this before and know the proper approach.

 

If it gets out of hand the first thing your boss will say is "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

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Think of this from the guys point of view for a change. I know its hard for you women to do but just try it. The guy has very limited options since he doesn't have a class with you or get in any relavant interaction with you. Labeling him as a creeper? Give me a break, the guys is just trying to put in an honest effort.

 

These days I'm having less and less tolerance for the way females think. I hardly have any sympathy left for them at this point. If only I was born gay, I would have to put up with this crap.

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Think of this from the guys point of view for a change. I know its hard for you women to do but just try it. The guy has very limited options since he doesn't have a class with you or get in any relavant interaction with you. Labeling him as a creeper? Give me a break, the guys is just trying to put in an honest effort.

 

These days I'm having less and less tolerance for the way females think. I hardly have any sympathy left for them at this point. If only I was born gay, I would have to put up with this crap.

 

I'm sorry that you're offended by my concerns about this guy. But...I have to ask YOU to think of it from a female's perspective and realize that there are certain types of interactions that make us uncomfortable; our instincts kick in, and we become concerned for our safety. We can't help that. As I mentioned in a previous post, I wasn't TOO concerned about the first note; however, the second note gave me pause, as this guy claimed to have been thinking about me "all the time" and indicated that he had been observing me without me realizing it. I'm sorry, but that's unsettling to me. He doesn't KNOW me. He's never MET me. I find it unsettling that someone would admit to thinking about me all the time and watching me if he has NO idea who I am other than what I look like. That makes me uncomfortable. And, the fact that he knows who I am, but I have no idea who he is, makes it all the more unsettling. He could be observing me at any time, and I would have no clue.

 

As far as this guy having "limited options"...well...I'm a teacher, and he knows that, and he really shouldn't be hitting on me anyway. If the situation were reversed, I could get into A LOT of trouble for hitting on him. It's just not considered good ethical practice at my school for teachers to get personally involved with students.

 

Again, I'm sorry if my posts and the responses offend you. I said I would not go to the police or my supervisor UNLESS his behavior became excessive or threatening or he persisted after I declined his request for a date. I'm not running off to tell on him. I will give the benefit of the doubt here and assume he is harmless until he proves otherwise. That said, I will NOT be accepting his invitation for a date for ethical reasons I've already stated.

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please dont put all "US" females in the same category, lady^

 

I personally would love to get a note like that i was actually thinking about writting a to someone ive seen on campus that ive only spoke to a few times and leaving my number at the bottom and handing it to him and just walking away,do you think thats a good idea, Rokuman?

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am i the only person that believes this may just be one big joke?

 

i dont think its someone mentally ill but someone who is either infatuated or joking around. saying that they saw you smile as you read it means nothing, anyone can assume that after getting a note like that.

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