Need A Release

[_Asti_]

I am headed for a breakdown, I swear. I feel like everything has been mounting to this point, and I just want to explode. I don`t know how I`ve kept myself going, but I have..and I just don`t know if I have the strength to keep going.

 

I`m finding alot of emotions are magnified lately. The lack of a social circle, in the past it was ok..but now being done school..the weeknights after work just drag on. I`m hitting a standstill in my relationship and am tired of having a weekend relationship and want more, but its so complicated.

 

I don`t know if I want to continue at the job I have, or take a job offer I was given for the future when my contract ends. The job is so demanding and mentally and physically exhausting..I hate being people`s b*tch all day, and its reached a point where I truly feel like a puppet.

 

I`m most of all tired of hurting inside of the fear of losing my mother. She`s been given three months to live, at this point, and everyday I fall apart a little more. I don`t know if she will be there to see me graduate in June. I`m tired of being strong, of being the care giver and the back bone in my family. I found the strength to make it this far, but I feel tapped out.

 

I feel ripped off with life, ripped off with my position. I`m constantly in a world of emotion between feeling blessed, because in many ways I am..and being cursed.

 

I can`t take the yo-yo-ing anymore.

I just want to break down, and let myself break down so I can build myself back up.

 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[Lost Trust]

Wow, I'm so sorry that your mom is sick. I can't even imagine being in that situation.

 

I can relate to being the "care-giver" though. My brother has Asperger's Syndrome and my father was an alcoholic. My mom kind of checked out in some ways by the time I was in my teens and a lot of things fell to me to take care of, and it still effects me to this day...

 

I've also found it very difficult to make friends, and at the moment my local friend pool is one married couple that have a two year old son... needless to say they don't go out much.

 

I haven't had a relationship in over 2 years because I just don't feel emotionally strong enough to deal with it right now because of all the other overwhelming emotions.

 

I hope that some sort of peace finds you soon because I wouldn't wish the feelings I'm experiencing on anyone... and I want to find peace myself.

[_Asti_]

Thanks for taking the time to read and post. Much appreciated.

 

It just dawned on me today how much of a care giver I am. Between my mom and family, my job [working in a hospital], and my close friends dealing with their personal issues, I am too busy taking care of everyone else and pushing everything aside for everyone else, and there's no one to take care of me.

 

I think its one of the hardest feelings to be surrounded by so many people, yet feel so alone. And I don't know how to break that feeling.