Saw her for the first time since...

[aeschylus]

I just saw my ex for the first time in 9 1/2 months - we were together for 4 years, I saw her every day for 4 years and then she broke up with me and I had not seen her since. Not once. No contact except a few emails trying to get her to pay her bills and 1 time she called me.

 

She just happened to be walking down the street in the city where I work as I was headed to the bank.

 

I've been doing great - rarely thinking about her. Socially active. Back to working well, new job...But this was awful.

 

I pretended I didn't see her and she passed behind me while I was waiting to cross the street. I could see her smirking or smiling or whatever as she pointed me out to some other girl.

 

I was hot under the collar. My face flushed. I felt nauseous and shaky.

 

Crazy that so much time has passed and seeing her still did this to me. I feel like I did months ago right now. The anxiety. The tingling nerves. Sweaty palms. Racing mind.

 

I'm a little disappointed in myself.

 

It's not like she said "hello" From what I could see in the reflection of the car window in front of me she was mocking me -- pointing me out to some girlfriend with a laugh like "can you believe that's my ex-boyfriend." But who knows what she was thinking. I only speculate to feed the nerves and shattered ego. She could have said anything - but my gut says she was half-mocking me. She didn't know I saw her, I could tell b/c of the way she pointed me out.

 

This website gave me a lot of support during the really dark times -- during those first several months when I felt absolutely devestated.

 

I'm back because it's like I'm relapsing -- it's kind of like the former-smoker who smells a cigarette and gets a craving. It's crazy that i still really love her -- even with all of the water under the bridge, the things she did (cheating, taking me for a ride financially, leaving me with all the bills in my name, etc), and the time since it all happened...

 

I'm a fool for it, but it's hard to just let it go. I'm not stupid. I know she is small in the grand scheme of things. But for whatever reason she is seems absolutely gargantuan in respect to my life. Her shadow looms over the whole thing - still, she can elicit a powerful emotional and physical response just by seeing her.

 

I didn't talk to her, I didn't make eye-contact with her, I didn't hear her voice or have a converstation. Simply seeing her was enough to send me into a tailspin of regret, anxiety, and plummeting self-confidence and self-esteem.

 

She still exercises this invisible power over me. She probably doesn't even realize it. But there it is - an invisible hand gripping and crushing me...

 

I'm an intelligent, successful, educated man - i have a job that puts me in a position of power and respect among my peers - and yet this girl who I was constantly helping emotionally and financially, who I had to support through 2 firings, crazy family issues, and 3 different career paths can absolutely bring me to my knees even when she simply walks by without making eye contact with me???

[aeschylus]

I just saw my ex for the first time in 9 1/2 months - we were together for 4 years, I saw her every day for 4 years and then she broke up with me and I had not seen her since. Not once. No contact except a few emails trying to get her to pay her bills and 1 time she called me.

 

She just happened to be walking down the street in the city where I work as I was headed to the bank.

 

I've been doing great - rarely thinking about her. Socially active. Back to working well, new job...But this was awful.

 

I pretended I didn't see her and she passed behind me while I was waiting to cross the street. I could see her smirking or smiling or whatever as she pointed me out to some other girl.

 

I was hot under the collar. My face flushed. I felt nauseous and shaky.

 

Crazy that so much time has passed and seeing her still did this to me. I feel like I did months ago right now. The anxiety. The tingling nerves. Sweaty palms. Racing mind.

 

I'm a little disappointed in myself.

 

It's not like she said "hello" From what I could see in the reflection of the car window in front of me she was mocking me -- pointing me out to some girlfriend with a laugh like "can you believe that's my ex-boyfriend." But who knows what she was thinking. I only speculate to feed the nerves and shattered ego. She could have said anything - but my gut says she was half-mocking me. She didn't know I saw her, I could tell b/c of the way she pointed me out.

 

This website gave me a lot of support during the really dark times -- during those first several months when I felt absolutely devestated.

 

I'm back because it's like I'm relapsing -- it's kind of like the former-smoker who smells a cigarette and gets a craving. It's crazy that i still really love her -- even with all of the water under the bridge, the things she did (cheating, taking me for a ride financially, leaving me with all the bills in my name, etc), and the time since it all happened...

 

I'm a fool for it, but it's hard to just let it go. I'm not stupid. I know she is small in the grand scheme of things. But for whatever reason she is seems absolutely gargantuan in respect to my life. Her shadow looms over the whole thing - still, she can elicit a powerful emotional and physical response just by seeing her.

 

I didn't talk to her, I didn't make eye-contact with her, I didn't hear her voice or have a converstation. Simply seeing her was enough to send me into a tailspin of regret, anxiety, and plummeting self-confidence and self-esteem.

 

She still exercises this invisible power over me. She probably doesn't even realize it. But there it is - an invisible hand gripping and crushing me...

 

I'm an intelligent, successful, educated man - i have a job that puts me in a position of power and respect among my peers - and yet this girl who I was constantly helping emotionally and financially, who I had to support through 2 firings, crazy family issues, and 3 different career paths can absolutely bring me to my knees even when she simply walks by without making eye contact with me???

[Gratsy]

I'm so sorry. This post breaks my heart.

[Gratsy]

I'm so sorry. This post breaks my heart.

[aeschylus]

thanks...i'm so embarrassed by my reaction. I think the other feelings are tinged with embarrassment that all of my self-confident boastings that I would look her in the eye and merely shake my head in disappointment if I ever saw her, which I knew was inevitable. But those thoughts were exactly that...idle boasts, with no real metal to back it up. I don't have the brick to deal with her and it hurts but it's also frustrating because she is only part of my life that I literally cannot control my emotions over.

 

I hate it.

[aeschylus]

thanks...i'm so embarrassed by my reaction. I think the other feelings are tinged with embarrassment that all of my self-confident boastings that I would look her in the eye and merely shake my head in disappointment if I ever saw her, which I knew was inevitable. But those thoughts were exactly that...idle boasts, with no real metal to back it up. I don't have the brick to deal with her and it hurts but it's also frustrating because she is only part of my life that I literally cannot control my emotions over.

 

I hate it.

[Caterina]

I'm really sorry. My sympathies.

[Caterina]

I'm really sorry. My sympathies.

[testcase]

Hey man don't worry about it you can always plan to react one way but you'll never know till that time comes. You seem like you've done a great deal of healing and while yes maybe you need a little more you will get over this. Heck I'm sure you will get over this much quicker than you would have if you saw her say 7 months ago, and I'm sure if you see her again in the future you will handle the situation much better.

 

As others have said healing is not a straight line. You hit dips and bumps along the way the one constant is you keep going forward. Maybe this was a bump but you will look back on it and keep going forward. Keep doing what your doing and eventually you won't give her that invisible power she holds over you. She will only be a part of your past with no effect on how you handle your future.

[testcase]

Hey man don't worry about it you can always plan to react one way but you'll never know till that time comes. You seem like you've done a great deal of healing and while yes maybe you need a little more you will get over this. Heck I'm sure you will get over this much quicker than you would have if you saw her say 7 months ago, and I'm sure if you see her again in the future you will handle the situation much better.

 

As others have said healing is not a straight line. You hit dips and bumps along the way the one constant is you keep going forward. Maybe this was a bump but you will look back on it and keep going forward. Keep doing what your doing and eventually you won't give her that invisible power she holds over you. She will only be a part of your past with no effect on how you handle your future.

[aeschylus]

I know you are right. I just really needed to share this with someone b/c it's not something I'm going to talk with co-workers about.

 

I already feel better than this afternoon --- soon, I'll be back to status quo.

 

It's just there is this disappointment that I"m still so hung up -- especially given the circumstances of our break up.

[aeschylus]

I know you are right. I just really needed to share this with someone b/c it's not something I'm going to talk with co-workers about.

 

I already feel better than this afternoon --- soon, I'll be back to status quo.

 

It's just there is this disappointment that I"m still so hung up -- especially given the circumstances of our break up.

[testcase]

Yea, well sure your still hung up. But probably no where near as hung up as you used to be. I guess it's just situations like those where you see them unexpectedly or get info you weren't looking for that's a reality check to how far you've come... And I don't think the way to measure it is how you reacted when you saw her, I mean heck who wouldn't that catch off guard?.. but more so how you react now while processing it and getting past it.

[testcase]

Yea, well sure your still hung up. But probably no where near as hung up as you used to be. I guess it's just situations like those where you see them unexpectedly or get info you weren't looking for that's a reality check to how far you've come... And I don't think the way to measure it is how you reacted when you saw her, I mean heck who wouldn't that catch off guard?.. but more so how you react now while processing it and getting past it.

[aeschylus]

Good point...

[aeschylus]

Good point...

[TomboyMS]

At least SHE doesn't know how seeing her affected you. That's something to feel positive about.

[TomboyMS]

At least SHE doesn't know how seeing her affected you. That's something to feel positive about.

[canali]

I edited your quote just to highlight how i can relate after seeing my ex on sunday after 7 months away.

 

first relax...and feel OK...FEEL OK...you're not abnormal...I was hearing just this thing on the radio the other day as a bright woman radio DJ (CBC) was talking about ''just when you think you're over your ex and you see them and you feel this whole host of emotions and a lump in your throat and you realize it's not so.''..she then laughed...you know why she laughed: cause we're human and OK...

 

remember your whole ''cosmology'' (psyche, body, future plans, dreams) were (and a bit are) still connected to her...love is really like an addiction is some ways to what mother nature does to hook us and keep us hooked.(read all about it: it's not fluff science).

 

so just relax...when I saw my ex on Sunday, I had the worst day yesterday: ate junk food 'til I was a potato chip myself...(felt sick actually...can only handle so much of that crap, esp given I'm turning things around with my health)...I was SOOOOO depressed man..for the first time in along while I felt compelled to email her...(but didn't ..and haven't)...I feel she copped out in some ways, despite what some people suggested in our forum...but to each their own and I respect that....

 

anyway back to you: just get back out there...watch the rumination demons...sure you'll feel your heart riot a bit (and your brain) but I'm already coming down today back to normalcy.

 

but use it (as per my threads..again shameless flaunting) to say ''fu..k it'' she's not to have power over me given what I've come through ...i'm not gong back!...this IS and WILL be temporary.'' ..just keep moving forward and grit your teeth and turn that sadness into anger to push you ahead.

(hey that's at least what i'm trying: the other way: feeling the sadness it!...been there done that too long...

 

from shawshank redemption:

''You either get busy living...or you get busy dying.''

 

find a balance between being gentle with yourself and also firm...at least that's my two cents for whatever it is worth...don't put her back on that pedestal, removing you...NO NO NO!!.

 

 

I just saw my ex for the first time in 9 1/2 I've been doing great - rarely thinking about her. Socially active. Back to working well, new job...But this was awful.

 

I pretended I didn't see her and she passed behind me while I was waiting to cross the street. I could see her smirking or smiling or whatever as she pointed me out to some other girl.

 

I was hot under the collar. My face flushed. I felt nauseous and shaky.

 

Crazy that so much time has passed and seeing her still did this to me. I feel like I did months ago right now. The anxiety. The tingling nerves. Sweaty palms. Racing mind.

 

I'm a little disappointed in myself.

 

.....I'm back because it's like I'm relapsing -- it's kind of like the former-smoker who smells a cigarette and gets a craving. It's crazy that i still really love her -- even with all of the water under the bridge, the things she did (cheating, taking me for a ride financially, leaving me with all the bills in my name, etc), and the time since it all happened...

 

I'm a fool for it, but it's hard to just let it go. I'm not stupid. I know she is small in the grand scheme of things. But for whatever reason she is seems absolutely gargantuan in respect to my life. Her shadow looms over the whole thing - still, she can elicit a powerful emotional and physical response just by seeing her.

 

Simply seeing her was enough to send me into a tailspin of regret, anxiety, and plummeting self-confidence and self-esteem.

 

She still exercises this invisible power over me. She probably doesn't even realize it. But there it is - an invisible hand gripping and crushing me...

 

QUOTE]

[Struggling23]

I feel it for you man, you want to know something I know exactly how your feeling, my sister lives right accross the street from my cheating ex fiance, i could throw a rock from her house to my ex fiance, and its been 9 months and I have not even gone to visit my sister once, i'm scared of seeing my ex fiance, I tried once and I just ended up crying in my car feeling like I was having a panic attack.

[Foreverxo]

Most of us are bound to run into an ex at some point. Atleast you got your over with. You did the right thing acting like you didnt see her. I am dreading the day I see mine. I hope I can act the same way as you did and just turn away. Dont worry about whether she was mocking you or not because she does not matter in your life so who cares what she thinks. Your the bigger person.

[aeschylus]

I feel it for you man, you want to know something I know exactly how your feeling, my sister lives right accross the street from my cheating ex fiance, i could throw a rock from her house to my ex fiance, and its been 9 months and I have not even gone to visit my sister once, i'm scared of seeing my ex fiance, I tried once and I just ended up crying in my car feeling like I was having a panic attack.

 

Yeah, I avoid the part of town she lives in now like the plague. Unfortunately, now I know that she works someplace within a few blocks of my work - I guess I'll be bringing my lunch to work now too.

 

---Canali----

 

You are so right. I'm much better today. Still have butterflies. Still have the fear of running into her. But in the end, what can you do but keep going?

 

 

I said it on here more than a few times when I was really struggling -- the key is to let it go -- I haven't quite gotten to the point where I've let go of the pain or of the desire to be in pain -- but once you reach that true point of acceptance you lose the pain and the desire.

 

I don't day dream about getting back together with her anymore.

I don't wake up with her name in my mind.

I don't dream about her at night.

 

But she is regularly in my thoughts -- One Day we will all be OK.

[aeschylus]

Thanks everyone for your insights. Feeling slightly better today. Thinking about her alot more often than I was, but I guess that's what I would expect to happen.

 

Strange the way your heart works. She completely devestated me - crushed me - and yet I can still love her. It doesn't make sense - but it's the way love and life work.