losing my mind a little

[onthebound]

i think i posted this in the wrong forum initially.. so maybe this will have better luck.

 

k so.. this is gonna be a bit long, but i feel details are important to put the whole picture together.

 

i met a girl on link removed. she initially emailed me on march 7th, i replied and then she stopped. she emailed me again on april 6th and next thing i know we're talking up a storm. emails, chats, voice, etc. we talked about meeting and i admittedly kindof avoided it a little. i didn't even think i'd be interested in her romantically. eventually though i started to see a glimmer of hope and agreed to meet this past wednesday (april 15th). afterall, i like women and she seemed to be the only interesting lesbian for miles. i asked if it was a date and she said she'd rather meet as friends for now, and i agreed. we were supposed to meet up with a friend of mine at a bar, but my friend got sick so that turned into this girl coming to my place to watch movies and chill. which then turned into her staying the night because it was late and she lives about an hour away. normally i would have said no, but i had come to know her fairly well i believe, and i trusted she wasn't going to rape and kill me lol.

 

i was almost immediately attracted to her, and increasingly moreso over the following 24 hours or so we spent together. we watched a couple movies, then she slept in my guest room. then we spent the day making food, taking pictures (i'm a photographer), watching more movies and just goofing off. while laying next to eachother on my bed watching another movie, i mentioned i was cold, and she scoots closer and puts her arm around me to warm me up (she's said she's just a cuddly/touchy-feely kind of person.. so i dono if it was that or because she wanted to be close to me). my heart started racing and i got chills. it just felt so amazing to be that close to her with her arm around me.. and her foot was touching mine lol. she just stayed like that for a while, i don't remember how long. then we ate and talked and before i knew it, it was 11 pm and she had to go home.

 

i've since hung out with her again on saturday (the 18th), this time i drove to where she lives to see some bands perform. i wasn't intending to stay the night at all, but she offered on the condition i didn't molest her in her sleep. i reluctantly agreed lol. she rents a small room in a friend's house, so we slept in the same bed. or rather, she slept.. and i mostly stayed awake just wanting to kiss her until i couldn't take it anymore, got up and drove home at around 7:30 am lol.

 

i've pretty much concluded that she's the slow-moving type and if any moves are to be made, they have to be hers. i've flirted a handful of times but either she didn't know or was just dismissive. the problem is i'm going nuts. when i fall, i fall hard and fast.. and that's exactly what i'm doing. i wouldn't go as far as to say i'm in love just yet, but i'm definitely thinking about her a LOT and i REALLY want to tell her.. but i'm afraid i'll scare her off. i'm not sure, but it seems like she needs to know me better to determine if she wants to take it further. i already know what i need to know though.. so the last few days have consisted of me daydreaming about her, reading astrological compatibility reports for her and me (most of which saying we're a bad match) and talking to her when she's not working (and technically, when she is. she'll IM me when she has a few minutes between things). all the while trying my hardest not to just explode with "OHMYGOD i am SO attracted to you. please come kiss me!" lol.

 

so.. what am i supposed to do here? preferably to maintain my sanity. even if she doesn't like me, i'll be hurt but i'll survive.. but it's the waiting i can't stand. i've tried distracting myself but nothing seems to help for very long.

 

i apologize for making you read such a long story.. but it seems necessary. i'm losing my mind a little lol. any help at all is MUCH appreciated. thank you.

[Catdancer]

You're going to have to cool off some if you'd like to get to know this girl. She sounds like she is the opposite of you in that she is going to go slow, at her own pace, and you pushing will push her right away.

 

Just hang with her more and reel in your hormones, for now.

[onthebound]

oh i know. i kinda already determined that. i'm okay being her friend until she's comfortable to make a move (if she ever is). it's just what to do until then. i'm just not sure how to keep myself from going nuts in the process.

[Nina_2009]

Onthebound, your reaction to your sudden attraction reminds of addiction. It is not very good, because it is not only going to drive the girl away (i wouldn't be actually so sure about it), but it is limiting your life and depriving you from fun of getting to know her. Actually I wouldn't be so sure that she is the one who should initiate intimacy, I would say if intimacy will help you to cool down, go for it. As for how to do it, just tell her so - to protect your sanity, can't take a tension anymore. I do not think she would be scared away. People usually are scared when the other person puts all the emotional pressure and responsibility for acting on them, spicing it all up with lots of silent turmoil and eager anticipation. When another person is independent enough to make a decision for oneself, it is actually a relief. I would recommend to stop IM in between her things, and use this time to do something more constructive for your life. Basically my advice do not wait for her, do what you want to do, if it is the real thing it will not go away.

[greywolf]

I agree with Cat. Just take things slowly for now. See how it goes. Good luck. Women are complicated. lol

[Catdancer]

I just read Nina's reply and it sounds like good advice too. How about taking a week or so of just hanging out with her, and then tell her how you feel and ask her if she's up for a good romp. Nothing like great sex to relieve tension!! lol

[onthebound]

nina, i think the addiction comment might be a little much. i'm sure lots of people develop crushes quickly. it's just so rare for me to find someone with the qualities i want, and i guess when it does actually happen i can get a little overexcited. i think i'll be okay to wait though. maybe not necessarily for her to make the move, but until the right moment for one of us to do so.

 

even that i'm a little apprehensive about though, really.. cause i'm not really the kind to just sleep with people. so i dono, somehow i gotta make sure she understands before that point that i'm not lookin' for a fling.

[onthebound]

anyways, thanks ladies.

[greywolf]

nina, i think the addiction comment might be a little much. i'm sure lots of people develop crushes quickly. it's just so rare for me to find someone with the qualities i want, and i guess when it does actually happen i can get a little overexcited. i think i'll be okay to wait though. maybe not necessarily for her to make the move, but until the right moment for one of us to do so.

 

even that i'm a little apprehensive about though, really.. cause i'm not really the kind to just sleep with people. so i dono, somehow i gotta make sure she understands before that point that i'm not lookin' for a fling.

 

Honestly, i agree with nina on that one. You two haven't know each other for very long, so it does come off as slightly desperate. That's why it's just best to take things slowly.

[onthebound]

i know man.. i said from the beginning i know i have to go slow lol. that wasn't the issue. seriously, i'm cool with that. i'm just excited to've met someone like her.. and a little taken aback that she isn't as excited just yet lol. usually if this does happen for me it's mutual. it's not like i'm being obvious about it or putting pressure on her. as far as she's concerned she just has a new good friend. i guess my issue is just what to do to distract myself until the moment comes where it's apparent one of us should do something. when i'm around her i'm okay to just talk and whatnot. i'm a daydreamer though, for sure.. so when i'm by myself i have a tendency to get lost in my head and it can be frustrating in a way. maybe i sound kinda nuts lol but i'm a pisces.. it's how we roll.

[Nina_2009]

Onthebound, I didn't mean to put a label "addiction", I just mentioned that it reminded me about it. Do I understand crush? Of course I do. It is actually difficult to handle these crushes sometimes... it is also funny, how we tend to think, oh, such a wonderful person with all these rare qualities... and six months in row we discover that on top of these qualities there is one or two other qualities that make us go online and ask for help how to deal with them... You are saying that she doesn't look as if she is as excited as you are.. How do you know how she looks when she is excited? People do express their excitement in different ways. Like I am more expressive type, my gf would come off as rather aloof if you do not know her well, and i would say her love is more of quality and substance than mine. The fact that your friend is constantly messaging you is already a sign of interest. Why don't you ask her why she is interested in you, what makes her like you if she likes you? Nothing wrong with this question. You will probably get an honest feedback. By the way, out of curiosity, what qualities she has that you find attractive? It's okey if you don't want to answer it.

[onthebound]

yeah, i understand. i'm just a very sensitive person, so when i feel something (especially when it develops quickly), it can be a little crazy inside my head sometimes.

 

i suppose you're right. she could be somewhat interested, i dono. i think she's probably more curious than anything. i don't know about asking her if/why she likes me though. maybe if the moment to do so presents itself, but i don't think i could just randomly ask. she seems the type to be easily spooked or feel pressured, so i wanna do as little contributing to that as possible.

 

as for her qualities that i like, there are a lot. she's really smart (moreso than most people) and brains are a total aphrodisiac for me. she's also very witty and funny, and has a similarly dorky sense of humor like mine. she's also very open-minded and is into a lot of different things. she's a sports writer and used to play a lot of different sports herself.. but she's also an artist. she plays guitar, drums, sings and writes amazing songs/poetry. her voice is beautiful. the moment she sang her first note to me, i knew i'd be hooked lol. also, she has a beautiful smile and a nice ass (as well as the rest of her body), which certainly doesn't hurt. that's about all i know so far.. but it's certainly enough for me at the moment. definitely eager to learn more though.

[Nina_2009]

Onthebound, I do understand "sensitive" part, I am also the same type. I know about myself that when I am getting obsessed with someone it doesn't do a good job for me, every time it happens I need to pull myself out of it in order to keep myself as a whole if that makes sense. I am also attracted to those who are very bright and intelligent with a lot of substance. I do not have the slightest doubt she likes you, bc she wouldn't seek your attention otherwise. If I were you I would not hesitate to ask, especially if she is open-minded. When you've mentioned that you are cold, she put her arm around you, it was natural thing for her... Would you do the same thing? Or would you wait until she says "could you please hug me?"

[onthebound]

yeah, i know you're right. i have managed to calm myself down since first posting this. i'm just kinda taking my time and enjoying how things are going. i know i do have a tendency to obsess a little sometimes lol and you're right, it helps to just pull yourself out of the situation. i realize now that sleeping in the same bed with her is a bad idea until i know we're more than friends. i kinda think that's what made me a little crazy. i went over there again tonight and she asked if i was staying, but i said no this time and i really think it was a good call.

 

i'm still not sure i should say anything just yet though. i haven't really seen a good moment to do so. i've wanted to several times, but i dono. i need it to be just the right moment. so we'll see. hopefully that moment will be sooner rather than later lol.

[Nina_2009]

Onthebound, personally I really think that avoiding a sleepover at this time is smart. Let me tell you what happened to my relationship with sleepovers. Last summer I am falling in love with a woman. She is my first woman (and I am not a spring chicken already, I am in my second marriage and my son is 20), besides, before that I had a period of time over 6 years when I was not at all interested in other people, craving only my own space, avoiding all communication, so you can imagine how overwhelming my new relationship felt. On top of it we both always were on the same page, it was mutual. It felt then as if each of us found another piece of a puzzle that fits. Being close physically used to give a feeling that I don't know where my body ends and her body starts. All in all it was a paradise. We considered ourselves the happiest people in the world. And of course we spent almost every night together at her place. However we both are working and very hard, I have a family to take care of, she also is not entirely free person, so by the time we would meet I would be so tired that all my energies would be gone, I stopped being creative about what we would do, I was ok with whatever. Sex was gone from our nights due to her old issues and thought it was still amazing to hug each other during nights, there was not enough of communication or sharing and after 5 months of this style I felt I do not want to do it anymore. We had conversations and finally decided that everybody sleeps at home and we meet after work and go for walks, coffee, etc. and then each of us is going home. I should say these walks are so much more fulfilling in terms of fun and sharing and are giving me better feeling of closeness than our silent, tired and tender sleepovers. May be the first time in my life I really understood how it is important to get to know the person first, before indulging in absolute intimacy. I would even think that physical intimacy could hinder you from knowing the person if started too early or if it becomes a main focus. And it is hard not to do it, bc when you are losing your head over another that is exactly what you crave to do.

[onthebound]

i can absolutely imagine how moving too fast can ruin a potential relationship. it's so weird to even be getting that as advice though. i never even thought of myself as the type who would move too fast to get in bed with someone, in fact i'm normally considered to be quite the opposite i think. sex is quite different for me than it is for most people, so normally i try to put it off for as long as i can. but this girl.. i don't know. she's so different. she already knows my problems with sex and she understands (which is rare), so it's like it doesn't even matter. i'm just so drawn to her.

 

like i said though, i have calmed down quite a bit since the beginning of all this. i think i just had to find a place in my head for all these pieces and i couldn't at first. the whole thing just didn't add up initially and i think it does now. i really am okay just getting to know her. i am still anxiously awaiting the moment i can kiss her, but i WANT to wait because i know it will mean more if i do.

 

i know she's going out of town for work tomorrow until monday.. and i'm finally starting my new job today. so now that i'm gonna have a little more income, maybe i can ask her to come out some time next week and take her dancing or something. just so we're getting out of our houses and doing things. and maybe after a few drinks and dances, i'll be able to tell her i like her lol.

[onthebound]

*sigh*

every time i try to flirt with her she's dismissive. could that be a bad sign?

 

[Nina_2009]

I think it depends on what do you call "flirting"? Like I remember from the time when me and my gf were getting closer: eye contact was a constant thing, she would always foresee what I am about to do and help me, she would open doors for me, we would laugh all the time. I would say this special way of talking, when there is a joke and energy behind every word is the most obvous sign of flirting. I was dead sure she was flirting with me. Later on when we were recalling these times, she said she was never flirting, because flirting for her is saying sexual jokes. At our work there is guy who is always saying these sexual jokes and I find it funny, and will support this conversation, however I am dead sure that neither me nor him are flirting. It is just a friendly banter. She said that if you don't know my theory, from the eyes of observer it looks as if I am constantly flirting with a guy. I remember once this guy brought to our room conversation about sex toys and was going about it with the other girl, who has no boundaries talking about it. My future gf walks in a room when the conversation is over and people are gone, only me was there and I've told her in a joking way what kind of discussion we had a few minutes ago. Her reaction was very cold and dismissive. But I didn't take it as a refusal to flirt, bc by my theory flirting is not going about sex. It is about energy flowing from one person to another.

[3makka pakka3]

ooh id just wait and see, but the whole bed thing, and then her IMing you wile at work, i think (and maybe this is just me) but it sounds like she likes you back, but maybe shes unsure? It could be about you, or maybe she recently broke up with someone else?

[onthebound]

there are many different kinds of flirting i guess. but like.. i'll tell her she's cute, or i like her voice or something.. and she might say thank you or she might just completely change the subject. also i sent her this funny haiku that was a little dirty (i didn't write it but thought it might be amusing).. and all she said was "what the hell was that?" LOL. i just don't know how to read her at all. sometimes, makka, you're right and it looks like she does like me. always wanting to talk to me, joking with me a lot, asking me to sleep in her bed, holding doors for me, talking about sex, etc.. and then other times it seems as though she just wants a friend and that's it. i wouldn't mind having her as just a friend i guess, but it would be hard.

 

i even had a dream last night which apparently meant i have to tell her how i feel. i'm kindof afraid to though. i like the feeling i get when i'm around her and i don't want it to change or get weird/awkward. i'm probably just gonna have to suck it up and tell her though.

[greywolf]

*sigh*

every time i try to flirt with her she's dismissive. could that be a bad sign?

 

 

Has she been with another woman before? She might just feel awkward about the whole thing.

[Nina_2009]

Onthebound, if the person I like would tell me "you have a beautiful voice" or "I love your hair", I would try to change the subject as soon as possible. I do not like compliments. If someone would send to me funny but slightly dirty thing, I would not find it amusing, I actually do not like those. I probably wouldn't ask "what the hell was that?" but a thought probably would cross my mind that I am not with my type of person. In my opinion she is flirting with you, but you have different language of flirting, probably she thinks that you are not flirting with her I would ask her what she considers flirting. It helps to understand another.

[onthebound]

greywolf - yup, she's a gold star.

 

nina - you might be right on that. i don't know man. i guess when she gets back in town i'm just gonna have to say something and find out once and for all what's up.. and accept the risk that our friendship might get weird. i dono what else i can do at this point.

 

thanks so much to everybody for all your help. i'm glad i found this forum. kinda saved my sanity a little, lol.

[Nina_2009]

Onthebound, yes, talking it over with other people does help. From what you are saying it sounds that she is interested. If someone to whom I have sexual attraction offers to sleep in one bed, it is pretty clear that this person is also sharing this attraction. However relationship might go all different ways. For example mine started as sexual but proceeded as not-so-sexual, my gf has her issues with sex and she stopped it after the second month. It took me awhile to understand it and to regroup, she likes sleeping together but without sex, for me sleeping together without sex is not something I would need to do on regular basis. It takes two people to understand each other needs, however if there are feelings and a good match, it all can be figured out... Compromises are necessary. I wish you the best of luck!

[onthebound]

i dono about that. i asked her if she had friends sleep in her bed with her often, and she said yes. apparently it's just something she does. i used to do it too when i was way younger.. so i guess it's that same kind of thing. who knows though. i guess i'll find out lol.

 

thanks.