Growl1971 Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Hindsight now...just want opinions... Was dating a girl for close to 4 months. 1 Month in, prior to meeting me, she had plans to go out of town with 'ex' ( 5 years ago, and living 4 hours away) to be his date at a wedding. She made it clear the 'ex' was still into her, but she only viewed him as a friend. I, since it was only a month in (yes we were having sex at the time, but weren't 'exclusive'), said 'ok, go'...she assured me everything would be fine, that nothing was going to happen... She got back...slips up and tells me that he, in a double bedded room...stayed in her bed...I gave her the riot act. Her response as to why she let him...'He would have pouted the whole weekend'....oh, so for payment for a trip out of town, you let him rub up on you, while you tell me how 'crazy i am for you'? I forgave. Fast forward 2.5 months later...He texts her again...this time asking her to go on vacation???? we're dating for close to 4 months now... Red flag goes way up now...why is he still texting???? I got suspicious at this point.. I did a horrible thing, something i never have done...ever! i checked her texts....she tells him no to the vacation, that she can't...but adds this... 'i know this sounds horrible, but i find myself comparing *** to you, and he keeps coming up short everytime'... I go nuts, naturally, breakup with her for a few days, but forgive her (no she wasn't drop dead gorgeous but i wanted it to work)... her reasoning...'he's just a friend, and how can you throw away someone that knows you so well, etc. etc.'... i argued a 'friend' would wants what's best for you....he is NOT a friend...and you keep encouraging him... when we broke up, she says, crying, 'and you made me throw away a really good friend of mine!'....meaning this dude! am i stupid? Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Well you two ARE being compared. Hmm... who'll be first and who's on second? I don't think your stupid. I think she's playing the both of you. Just that you're closer so you're in the lead. Personally if I knew she was doing this to me, i.e. the texts with EX, she'd be gone. Link to comment
DN Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 'i know this sounds horrible, but i find myself comparing *** to you, and he keeps coming up short everytime'... Drop her like a hot rock and find someone who actually loves and likes you at the same time. Link to comment
FloatingAnchor Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 You did the right thing by breaking up with her. She's not over him or she wouldn't be comparing you. She shouldn't have invited speculation and doubt by letting him stay in her bed, and those texts are proof that she's not willing to dedicate herself to you. She's trying to put the blame on you for making her "give up" a good friend, but your distrust in her is totally valid. She's treating him as more than a friend, and she is definitely not treating you as a boyfriend. Link to comment
luvs2kayak Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Why be a side dish when you want (and deserve) to be the main course? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 I don't know here ... I don't think you are coming up roses on this one. If you weren't exclusive, I don't think she owed you any fidelity at that point. I can see how you can be uncomfortable with it, but even if she did something with him you weren't exclusive she wasn't breaking any rules. I can understand feeling angry if she said that nothing would happen beforehand then they did that. At that point, it was up to you to really start evaluating if being exclusive would settle the issue or if she was not trustworthy. I'm also very bothered that you looked at her text. I know people look, but I think what you found was evidence of inappropriate conversation, mixed feelings about you, and no clear signal of cheating (not saying that you said it was). That is where you needed to calm yourself down and figure out the course of action. Breaking up was reasonable and healthy for how you were feeling. She's not that into you. The flipping out concerns me. She gave you every reason to question her loyalty. I just think the best thing is to sit down and talk about it and/or walk away. From this story, I sense a lot of hostility and aggression at her from you - which is very common - but I'm just wondering if you weren't hostile to her frequently? Just my impression. Link to comment
Growl1971 Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 I don't know here ... I don't think you are coming up roses on this one. If you weren't exclusive, I don't think she owed you any fidelity at that point. I can see how you can be uncomfortable with it, but even if she did something with him you weren't exclusive she wasn't breaking any rules. I can understand feeling angry if she said that nothing would happen beforehand then they did that. At that point, it was up to you to really start evaluating if being exclusive would settle the issue or if she was not trustworthy. I'm also very bothered that you looked at her text. I know people look, but I think what you found was evidence of inappropriate conversation, mixed feelings about you, and no clear signal of cheating (not saying that you said it was). That is where you needed to calm yourself down and figure out the course of action. Breaking up was reasonable and healthy for how you were feeling. She's not that into you. The flipping out concerns me. She gave you every reason to question her loyalty. I just think the best thing is to sit down and talk about it and/or walk away. From this story, I sense a lot of hostility and aggression at her from you - which is very common - but I'm just wondering if you weren't hostile to her frequently? Just my impression No, was never 'hostile' toward her... You're right in the sense that I shouldn't have snooped, but there was something telling me something was going on...and I was right. I apologized to her for 'snoopin' but, I felt vindicated in that if this hadn't been discovered, how much longer was this going to go on? ...it would have gone on indefinitely, given what she said when we finally broke up. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Well it's good that you broke up. Ultimately, it's too soul crushing to be with someone who's not over (or not 'getting over') their ex. Link to comment
Growl1971 Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 I know...she said she was, and that all the texts were just her trying to be a friend to him, but couldn't 'hurt' him by shutting him out. my argument was that a 'friend' would want the best for you, for you to be happy, etc. i'm totally, 100% fine with ex's in the picture as friends...true friends. but this guy was NOT that. i did believe her, but still, throwing me under the bus to make him feel better? and that only encourages him more? are you kidding me? then, when she brought it back up when we broke up...ugghhh! i'm just having a hard time...still...over the breakup, and doing the unhealthy thing of re-hashing it. it sucks either way... Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Aside from checking her phone, I think you did the right thing. This girl was clearly not over this guy and called him a friend when he was clearly more than that. This girl cannot be trusted and if you havent broken up with her then you need to but if you have then you made a good decision. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.