TakingtheBlame Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 About two years ago, I met someone and we began dating. He had just left a long term relationship and had moved to a new city (my native and current residence) and wanted things casual; I was laboring under grad school work, living at home and experiencing basic studently woes and just needed somebody to turn to (I've never been an expert dater.) Eventually, the inevitable happened, I fell for him, and after several fits and starts, he told me he would rather keep some semblance of friendship alive with me than continue a relationship that wasn't going anywhere. So, we "broke up" a little under a year ago and have been trying to hold a friendship together since then. The problem is, though I'm no longer a student and I've finally managed to save up enough money to move out of my parents' place to my own apartment and have a great new job which I'm doing well at, I still think he's one of the greatest people I've ever met and can't really get past why he never wanted anything long term with me. This leads to incredible jealousy when he mentions other girls, whether friends or casual dates (he's still not dating anyone seriously,) and though I can usually control it and understand I have no right, sometimes I snap and say untoward things. It's gotten to the point where he's stopped initiating contact with me, but he still sees me when I initiate, and will often stop by my apartment for a drink or have dinner with me, or just spend a Saturday night hanging out with me if I do the inviting. I recently found out that he is moving again, accross the country. This has made me realize that he will no longer be around to just hang with, and has made me fear that perhaps I have whittled away the bonds of our friendship so much that it won't survive once he's gone. I guess my question is, where do I go from here? Is this still any sort of viable friendship? Do I approach him outright and say all of the things I'm feeling, and make it clear that I feel I've been unfair to him and I hope that we can stay in touch? Do I say nothing and let him go, and hope that someday we'll meet again? Do I let him go, period? The thought of losing him scares me, but I wonder if it's ever possible for someone to be gone for good. Link to comment
OziJack Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Deep down, are you really keeping this "friendship" alive to remain connected with him in the hope that he will "come to his senses" and realize that you are his dream woman? Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Deep down, are you really keeping this "friendship" alive to remain connected with him in the hope that he will "come to his senses" and realize that you are his dream woman? My thoughts exactly. I feel that you're about to actually experience the "break-up" you didn't so long ago. Link to comment
philove Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 If I was in your shoes I would tell him exactly how you feel before it's too late. You never know unless you try and if he doesn't feel the same, at least you know the answer and can move on. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 If I was in your shoes I would tell him exactly how you feel before it's too late. You never know unless you try and if he doesn't feel the same, at least you know the answer and can move on. Good point Phil. Hey any relation to Dr. Phil? Link to comment
TakingtheBlame Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 OziJack, I think it would be foolish for me to say that deep down I hadn't always hoped he'd change his mind, that the timing would become right, that we'd somehow stumble back into a relationship, etc. That said, at the forefront of my brain I've accepted that it isn't going to happen (and if it is, it won't be by virtue of my mooning over him for the next five years,) and I really do appreciate him as a person regardless of my romantic feelings for him (we are in the same professional field and avid music lovers. i.e. have a lot in common on a friendly level.) I suppose that's my quandry...when somebody has given you a chance, and you find this person absolutely amazing in so many ways, how do you keep that person in your life without wanting him for yourself? ImaBadman, do you mean that I will experience the breakup through him explicitly telling me to get lost, finally? Or will I just finally experience the emotions of losing my physical proximity to him when he's moved? Are you basically saying the friendship is over? phillove, I appreciate your advice and I am an advocate for erring on the side of complete honesty. Sometimes, though, people don't take honesty very well. It scares them, I think. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 What I meant was that you opted for a "friendship" in lieu of not having the relationship with him you wanted. Silently suffering, you’ve been biding your time thinking this “friendship” would bring you the relationship with him you wanted. But alas it has not. Let go or be dragged. His talks with you about his dates and female friends indicate that he probably does not have a genuine intimate interest in you. On the other hand, your jealously and anger with these discussions indicates that you have not let him go and harbor strong emotional feelings for him other than friendship. While I agree putting it all on the table, letting him know your true feelings, is a good thing. I can’t help but think that he may not be receptive. With this and his pending departure you will actually have to face the pain and emotional heartbreak of the break-up you staved off long ago. Link to comment
TakingtheBlame Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Imabadman, you make good points. I think that at this point I'm less concerned about salvaging a romantic relationship with him (I suspect he's aware that I continue to have feelings for him, which makes his refusal to cut me off completely a bit unusual, given my past experience with breakups.) Ideally I just want to ensure that he'll leave the state with a decent feeling about me, as opposed to "thank God I left that mess behind." But I guess it's difficult to guide the path of a friendship, especially one founded on questionable grounds. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Not necessiarily so. Let's think out loud for a moment... So you tell him how you REALLY feel. He says, "Wow... me to. Let's get naked and make up for the past X years." OR He tells you that he respects you as a friend but he doesn't love you. If it’s the latter well then you let him know that that's OK, you accept that and really cherish his friendship and hope that you two can continue on being friends. He'll have to decide. But you said your peace and if nothing else you walk away with a clean concise. Makes a guy want to cry. Link to comment
OziJack Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 [quote=IMAbadman;3333528 His talks with you about his dates and female friends indicate that he probably does not have a genuine intimate interest in you. On the other hand, your jealously and anger with these discussions indicates that you have not let him go and harbor strong emotional feelings for him other than friendship.[/font][/color] [/font][/color] Yeah, true that. It is likely that you and he are never going to "get it together". Why ? Because you both want different things. He has stuck you in the FriendZone and there is usually no return from that place. To be blunt, the FZ is where you put someone when you are not "feeling it" for them anymore. He is dating others ( that means he has moved on from you emotionally and is out 'shopping' ) and he feels so emotionally detached from you that he is comfortable discussing these new contenders with you. The problem for you is that you still want to be his G/f, but he has eliminated you from the short list. My best advice is to go NC - but I am thinking that you do not want to do that. Link to comment
OziJack Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 [quote=IMAbadman;3333528 His talks with you about his dates and female friends indicate that he probably does not have a genuine intimate interest in you. On the other hand, your jealously and anger with these discussions indicates that you have not let him go and harbor strong emotional feelings for him other than friendship.[/font][/color] [/font][/color] Yeah, true that. It is likely that you and he are never going to "get it together". Why ? Because you both want different things. He has stuck you in the FriendZone and there is usually no return from that place. To be blunt, the FZ is where you put someone when you are not "feeling it" for them anymore. He is dating others ( that means he has moved on from you emotionally and is out 'shopping' ) and he feels so emotionally detached from you that he is comfortable discussing these new contenders with you. The problem for you is that you still want to be his G/f, but he has eliminated you from the short list. My best advice is to go NC - but I am thinking that you do not want to do that. Link to comment
TakingtheBlame Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 Ozijack, I agree with you completely, but just one minor correction: he's never actually been comfortable discussing his dating life with me. I actually drag it out of him, which is another nail in my coffin I'm sure. He's actually always been reluctant to talk about it and when he does, he looks distraught. Not trying to be dramatic, but he is definitely not happy to be discussing his dating life with me. He is also always careful to stress that the new girls are nobody important, that they are all short term, that he sees me more often than any of them. Could be out of consideration for my feelings since he knows I still like him. Who knows. But you and Imabadman raise valid points. Whatever the case, I can't have him as a boyfriend right now (if ever) and I guess that's all I really have to work with at the moment. Link to comment
OziJack Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 But you and Imabadman raise valid points. Whatever the case, I can't have him as a boyfriend right now (if ever) and I guess that's all I really have to work with at the moment. I understand how you feel. We have all probably been in your situation ONCE. And once is enough to realize that that trip into the FZ is not a round trip. Look there is ONE tiny chance of roping him back in... this is "secret man's business" so keep it to yourself. Shhshh ! OK, here is what I would say to you if you were my sister who was longing for her old boyfriend. 1). A guy who lusts after you and wants you in his life will not cut you loose. That takes the risk that some other bad-a$$ might scoop you up. 2).IF a guy pulls away from you, pull TWICE as far away from him. I know that sounds unnatural and counter-intuitive but just do it. 3) Ask another man out, or start dating other guys who have been waiting in the wings. BUT no s*x... ! 4) When that 'A' guy calls to connect with you again let him know subtly that you are dating others. IF that does not trigger a hormone rush in your old boyfriend then all is lost and it is time to move ahead. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 OziJack... You revealed the Man-Law!!! I'm so telling.... Link to comment
OziJack Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 OziJack... You revealed the Man-Law!!! I'm so telling.... Awww..no need to call the brotherhood hotline, Badman . I just had to let her know how to deal with her ex..I felt sorry for her, she is lost. IT is in my nature to be kind and helpful to lost women, ya know how it is ? He he ! Link to comment
TakingtheBlame Posted April 23, 2009 Author Share Posted April 23, 2009 Haha you guys are amusing. I am indeed quite lost when it comes to the opposite sex. Sometimes I wonder how I didn't learn these things in high school like everybody else! Great advice though, Ozi, I promise to use the Man-Law for good, not evil. Link to comment
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