Was I wrong?

[ArtLover51]

I started dating this guy (we are both in our 50s). He was known as a player, but after being married for 35 years & his wife leaving him for another man - I didn't hold it against him. I had been married for 25 years so I understood his need to play the field.

 

Anyway, when he started to pursue me, I told him I was looking for a relationship, not a hit & run. He said he was tired of all the one-night stands, FWBs and short term affairs and was interested in a long-term relationship. So we dated 3 months, decided we were both serious so we got tested and became intimate. Everything was going great! We talked on the phone everyday, we went out a couple of times a week and spent every weekend together (before & after becoming physical). He was wonderful to me.

 

A month later his FWB calls him crying and evidently laid a guilt trip on him. He gets emotional and starts telling me that he doesn't know if he has a heart left to love anyone. He says he doesn't want to hurt me like he did his FWB, when he broke her heart to be with me. He insists that he wants to be with me and that if it is possible to love anyone, it would be me. So I say I will give it some time & be patient.

 

Then yesterday, we had lunch together and afterward his FWB called again and he went to see her. She started crying and begging him to come back to her. He said he told her he didn't love her, but she said she didn't care, she wanted to be with him anyway. He said she made him feel about 1 inch small. Anyway...AGAIN he wanted to make sure I knew that he didn't think it was possible for him to love ANYONE after only 4 months, and he didn't want to lose me, but neither did he want to hurt me as he had her. He promised he would never let this go on for months, but he needed more time to find out if he could love me.

 

I told him, that if he didn't know by now if he was in love with me, he probably just wasn't that into me and we should just go our separate ways. He pleaded with me to give it more time, but I just spent the last 1 1/2 years waiting on another "wounded soul" just to be left standing alone and broken hearted. I can't do this again! So I told him that when the right woman came along, he would know it, and it just wasn't me or he would know by now.

 

We are not in our 20s or 30s...I think at this age...it doesn't take that long to know if you are with the right person. He knows the authentic me...there are no surprises! Was I wrong in letting him go?

[shine_on]

I think you did absolutely the right thing. You are very strong and wise. He probably wanted to have his cake and eat it. Let him sort his head out, and he will probably come back to you.

[annie24]

hm. i don't blame you for being frustrated at his behavior. i don't entirely buy his story, i think that it's been somewhat slanted and he may be over-exaggerating her behavior. i do think at this point, he could have just told her, "hey - we were just FWB, but i have a gf i am really into, so i am sorry but i can't see you anymore." he should be man enough to say that. especially in his 50s!!! if he doesn't??? well, i would just move on. i don't blame you at all for letting him go, no.

[jdpreacher]

I have to agree with you, if you don't know after close to six months then you're not with the right person...

 

I think you have done the right thing in protecting yourself and not using any more time on a relationship that might not have the ending you want and need at this time.

 

Put yourself back out there and find the right one for you...

 

Blessed Be,

Preacher

[Pixiedoc]

Hmm, difficult one. I agree with some of the other posters but have a slightly different perspective.

 

He's had one 'casual' relationship come back and haunt him, and he needs to finish that and move on (he seems to have made this clear to her but she hasn't listened).

 

However, you were straight with him from the start about wanting something serious and he agreed. He seems to be significantly backtracking, although it is the word 'love' which has been the bogey here (as it is so often).

 

Had he told you he loved you before the FWB came back into his life, or were you still waiting for him to say it?

 

Do you really love him?

 

You are standing by your principles, but 3-4 months is not very long for someone (especially if married for so long and hurt by someone) to throw themselves into something looking for long term. You have to learn more about each other for that.

 

I think he's spooked by the FWB (a sort of Glen Close encounter

 

It depends on how you feel about him, really. Once he's got this woman out of his life, are you still prepared to work on the relationship until both of your are at the same point? Could you give it a deadline of say 6 months if you really care about him?

 

How do you feel about breaking up with him? Are you upset or relieved? The answers to these questions should inform your next move...

[hosswhispra]

"hey - we were just FWB, but i have a gf i am really into, so i am sorry but i can't see you anymore." he should be man enough to say that. especially in his 50s!!! if he doesn't??? well, i would just move on.

 

I'm depressed that this stuff goes down into the 50's. Wow, depressing.

[IMAbadman]

Nope... I think you did absolutely the right actions for you. I applaud your strength.

 

You demonstrated that you demand respect and will not play games. You were forthright with him in wanting a relationship and he chose, at least for the time being, to sit on the fence.

 

Don’t feel bad. You deserve the love you want and need to match the love you freely give.

[ArtLover51]

Thanks everyone for your input. In answer to Pixiedoc...he had never said the words, I love you, nor had I. But he knew I was falling hard...which I told him would happen if and when it became physical...I guess I'm hard wired that way. I don't do casual sex and I told him that up front.

 

Yes, I do love him but this all seems too deja vu to my past relationship and I barely made it through that broken heart, so I guess I'm not willing to risk another year of this when he is so uncommitted.

 

When a man says, "I'm not sure I can ever love again!" I'm going to make a mad dash for the exit from now on!

[hosswhispra]

When a man says, "I'm not sure I can ever love again!" I'm going to make a mad dash for the exit from now on!

 

Smart advice. Definitely a piece of advice everyone should store in their mind.

[alli]

hm. i don't blame you for being frustrated at his behavior. i don't entirely buy his story, i think that it's been somewhat slanted and he may be over-exaggerating her behavior. i do think at this point, he could have just told her, "hey - we were just FWB, but i have a gf i am really into, so i am sorry but i can't see you anymore." he should be man enough to say that. especially in his 50s!!! if he doesn't??? well, i would just move on. i don't blame you at all for letting him go, no.

 

I agree with this. First off, if she was really FWB then her heart shouldn't be involved in it anyway. And second, if I was dating someone and a previous partner (or whatever) felt "crushed", how exactly would it help to go over and console them? At 50, he should know by now. There is no reason to feel that torn apart by 2 women if he had strong feelings toward only one of them. She was FWB, she will get over it, and it's not his place to go "fix" it.

 

I don't like the fact that he would run to her whenever she called. You don't know what he was doing to "console" her. You did the right thing; that guy's a waste of time.

[IMAbadman]

If we all demonstrated the strength and rectitude of Taylor0405 I have a feeling ENA would be a rather quite place.

 

Again, I applaud you. You’ve taken the path less traveled. You reasonably and logically analyzed your situation without the confliction of emotions and feelings and made your decision.

 

Truly a diamond in the rough.

[metrogirl]

I think you absolutely did the right thing. Too many times here, we see people that come here suffering and heart broken because they are 'waiting' for their love interest to decide if they are the one or not. Meanwhile, said love interest is off loving someone else while having the other sidelined waiting for something that will likely never come.

 

Good for you for having the strength and courage to say No! You have a good head on your shoulders and that I believe is going to help you land a great guy when the time is right!

 

Good luck

[keenan]

I agree with the others. You've handled yourself very well!

 

Honesty + Strength + Self-respect = Classy

[Pixiedoc]

I agree with the others. You've handled yourself very well!

 

Honesty + Strength + Self-respect = Classy

 

Totally agree. Nothing less than 50:50 is good enough is it when you get past 30?

 

I hope you find someone as mature as you are

 

Best wishes.

[lavenderdove]

Some men are just not good at being with only one woman. there might be more to this FWB story than he is telling you, i.e., he is doing exactly the same thing to you that he did to her, and he may still be seeing her now and again to keep her hopes alive.

 

I dated a womanizer once and he too made this kind of big confession about not being able to love anybody the way he should... but it was just his out clause whenever he got bored or decided he wanted to see anyone else, he'd just float in and out of women's lives with that line.

 

He would also salve his conscience, as in 'i told you so' when he went off and behaved badly, like just because he warned you he wasn't good at monogamy, that justified him behaving anyway he wanted regardless of the effect on other people's lives.

 

For example, if he knows this ex of his is carrying a torch for him, why does he keep going back to her and relighting that fire? If he had her best interests at heart, he would just tell her he was sorry he hurt her, then leave her alone entirely to heal and get over him.

 

So yes, you did the right thing. If you really do mean what you should to him, after a little time without you, he'll come back and say he was wrong, he DOES have those feelings for you. But if he doesn't come back AND admit he does have feelings, there is no point to seeing him. Otherwise he is just seeing you and anyone else he pleases while promising nothing to nobody.

 

Also, i hope you noticed that he didn't have this 'can't love anybody' speech until AFTER he had sex with you. He made promises to get to the sex, and once he had you on the hook, he starts talking about this other woman again and goes to see her.

 

Men who are womanizers are very good at getting the woman on the hook and setting the hook (acting like they aren't womanizers in the beginning), but once you've had sex and he figures you won't walk away so easily, he starts going back to being his natural self, which is waffling and seeing other women.

 

For all you know he is actually dating this other woman, and using the 'i'm comforting the brokenhearted' to look noble when he skips off to see her and have sex with her.

 

If he's 50 an a womanizer, he's not going to grow out of it. He may eventually find a woman who will put up with him, but if you want someone who gives you both himself and his heart AND fidelity, this man probably isn't it.

[ArtLover51]

The longer I am out here in the dating world (over 50s group), the more disappointed I become. The only two men I have been serious about since I have been divorced (4 years) are very similar. They were both known and admitted "players," so I will take my share of the blame in bad choices. But I have learned from each experience.

 

I was willing to go slow and was very upfront about what my expectations were in each relationship.

 

The first one was a love at first sight thing for me and knocked my socks off, & took almost 2 years to get over! The second was a slower "get to know him first" relationship. However, he pursued with a vengence...to the point that I told him to slow down & stop calling me 3-4 times a day. He listened and everything was progressing at a wonderful slow, steady pace. He often mentioned that I made him want to be a better person, that he wanted to change his behavior toward women, clean up his act and just be with me exclusively.

 

I did not ask him to stop seeing his FWB or anyone for that fact. I was willing to just date as long as he understood that it would be just dating, no sex. He said that any chance to be with me was okay and he would wait for me to feel comfortable and safe with him before pursuing a sexual relationship. We waited and it was sooooooo worth the wait!

 

And now this! It seems like everytime the FWB calls or wants to see him - he goes on this major guilt trip then feels compelled to warn me that he may hurt me in the same way he has hurt her & that he may never be able to love me.

 

Enough, I get it!!!!! I am beginning to agree with lavendardove - it may just be an excuse for him to keep seeing her & be her knight in shining armour, now that we have done the deed and maybe the bonds of exclusivity are closing in! lol

 

I may be over 50 but we all bought into the fairytale and didn't Taylor Swift say it well in "White Horse?"...

 

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale

I'm not the one you sweep off her feet,

Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down

Now it's too late for you

And your white horse, to come around

[lavenderdove]

The really good news is that at your age, you know you will be fine and don't need to put up with less than what you deserve! And that you are fine/better on your own than with somebody who treats you badly.

 

And that you recognize a problem MUCH sooner and don't waste years trying to turn a toad into a prince like younger women do.

 

I think dating at any age is hard, since there are sharks at any age. Age brings some people maturity and wisdom and compassion, but others will stay the same, or go thru a second childhood womanizing (or try to) even though they're in the 50s or 60s!

 

This guy you saw may finally be aware enough to know he causes people problems, but selfish enough to continue doing it. He most likely would ping pong between the two of you (and who knows who else) getting all his needs taken care of, but leaving devastation in his wake.

 

I had a really wise friend tell me once that when a guy tells you he's bad news, believe him. He's giving you a warning like you find on a package of cigarettes, buyer beware. Women mistake that warning as some kind of sign he really cares about you or is a good guy, but the truth is cigarettes are still lethal even though they carry a warning. The warning is no sign that if you accept the warning and understand it, all of the sudden the cigarettes will stop being lethal. They are what they are, which is lethal.

 

And a womanizer is a womanizer. Perhaps one day when he's 70 he'll settle down because he has to, but meanwhile he'll have left 50 women devastated in his wake. What womanizers at his age frequently do is date a bunch of different women of all ages, then he really starts to feel like he's failing and can't keep juggling so many, he'll settle on a woman 20 or 30 years younger than himself to take care of him in his old age (witness classic womanizers like Warren Beatty, Michael Douglas, Bruce Willis etc. who did exactly that).

 

That choice is calculated in itself, because getting a much younger women means she takes care of him rather than he takes care of her, and that is the motif that womanizers like to follow, having their needs (whatever they are at the time) serviced. It's far more about selfishness than sex.

 

I suspect now that his curiosity is satisfied with you, he will now turn his attention back to the FWB woman to get his ego stroked, and if you drop out of the picture, just start in finding someone else since he never likes to have just one, and can't stand by any of them permanently.

 

btw, i find it interesting that the guy i dealt with who turned out to be a womanizer called most women his 'friends'... i later discovered that these women he called 'friends' were people that he slept with, who assumed he was dating them, not just friends. So this FWB of his is what he calls her, but she may have thought she was his girlfriend (in fact still think that, and think they were on break and hope he'll come back). Categorizing his sex partners as 'friends' left the door open at all time to date other women, and he could explain any other women you might encounter that he had contact with as friends or former friends and hence your radar didn't go up to question what was really going on between them.

[lavenderdove]

And also he used the 'we are friends' thing with me too, as well as tacking on 'but who knows where it might go'. So no promises of faithful or permanent love, but holding out the carrot that *maybe* it might become more (though he warned you it probably wouldn't).

 

Womanizers know that if they say right up front, 'i have lots of women, i intend to keep seeing multiple women at the same time and/or changing partners whenever i feel like it, and i'm basically selfish and have hurt a lot of people in my day', you will run screaming away from them. So they do sugar coat it a bit, or no one would see them at all, and they need multiple women to stroke their egos and have the sexual variety they want, so they ride that fine edge trying to keep you around as long as they want you (until they get bored with you, or you start demanding more than they want to give or demand exlcusivity).