How long does it take to make a decision?

[demon.days]

I've been dating this girl for going on 5 months now. When we first began dating, it was agreed it would be an open relationship at the start. I made it very clear i was looking for a commitment at some point, that i don't really like the idea of an open relationship but I liked her a lot so i'd go along with it until she was comfortable.

 

The reason originally implied for wanting an open relationship was because of the distance (we go to different schools, about 2 hrs apart). I drive down to see her every weekend she's available (which is most weekends), but I understand its not the same as living on the same campus.

 

About 3months in, I find out shes still talking, albeit occasionally, not frequently, with her ex-boyfriend of 3 years. She says she doesn't initiate the conversations, and there's really not much I can say about it because we were still in an open relationship, what she does when shes not with me really isn't in my jurisdiction.

 

Regardless of whether I was right or wrong to, I voiced my opinion on the subject, and it came out that the real reason she wanted an open relationship was because she wasn't over her ex yet. She says she has no intentions of getting back together with him, and i've heard her gloat over his misfortune on numerous occasions. I believe her words were

 

"I really don't like thinking about him, but I still think about him, and I don't want to commit to a new relationship until i stop thinking about him altogether"

 

I wasn't really sure what to say to that, though i felt like i'd been deceived. I am pretty sure she knew at the start that i thought it was some distance thing and she didn't want to be tied down to a relationship that would progress slowly at the beginning due in no small part to a lack of time physically together. Her ex-boyfriend was never mentioned when we started the relationship, it only came out 3 months down the line. By then it was too late for me, which is maybe why she waited til then. Whatever.

 

Its now just about 5months in. I do not treat this like an open relationship on my end, I never have. As far as she's concerned, she really doesn't either. Her ex boyfriend is the only other guy on her mind. Shes got me 110% and she knows that, and I think thats part of the problem.

 

Don't get me wrong, i really like this girl. I don't know much about love, as I'm still relatively young (20) but i'm thinking i'm headed in that direction. She calls or texts me constantly, most days we're on the phone for over an hour...sometimes even 2-3, 4 hours. She tells me every chance she gets how much she misses me, and how she can't wait for the next weekend so we can hang out again. Really, outside of the formality of bf/gf and a commitment, the relationship couldn't be better.

 

This is really starting to get to me though, and on occasion i'll ask her about it. Her response is usually to tell me (after i've done something that really turns her on, or bought her flowers or something nice or pleasant like that)

 

"if there was anything you could have done to help me get over him faster, that was it"

 

Its like she treats this like some kind of ****ing game. I have to earn this many points before i can find the key to unlock the castle. It's really quite irritating, and i've told her gently that that really doesn't make me feel any better...

 

Ironically, her best friend is in almost the EXACT situation, roles reversed. The guy her best friend is dating came out of a long relationship, didn't want a commitment. Her best friend was furious about it, but after about 2 months the guy committed to her. I guess it slipped her mind how this could apply to our relationship though, and how I must feel about it...

 

How can i put my foot down about this? Do I have a right to put my foot down about this? Is 5 months too soon to expect her to make a decision about whether or not she wants to continue dating me? I feel like she is abusing the term open relationship in order to get all the benefits of a real relationship from me without having to reciprocate. Is there any way to articulate this to her without being an * * * * * * * ? Am I an * * * * * * * for even thinking that?

 

I'm really not sure what to do at this point, but the status quo is not going to keep working for long. I suppose I'm asking for advice on the best course of action to elevate this relationship to where I want it to be.

[cruzer]

The best advice i can give is to sit down and talk to her, tell her exactly what u have told us here. You really like her, u no longer want an open relationship, then its all up to her. She can either be with you, forget about the ex, and move on. Or she can hold on to him, but lose you.

 

I really do not know of a better way than explaining what u want and how u feel about the open relationship. After 5 months, she should know what she wants by now. Hopefully u tell her, or she realizes your not trying to be a jerk about it, but you dont feel comfortable with the way its going and you want more.

[quirky]

She was obviously very into her ex and your presence is actually truly helping her to get over it, selfishly or not. I have been in the girl's position and what would have forced me to commit is if the guy was more assertive and less available (that doesn't mean giving her an ultimatum). This is an open relationship from her point of view but not from yours so if YOU start acting more like it she might become afraid of loosing you and appreciate you more. If she chases you a bit she'll get more into you.

[Ms Darcy]

Hi there dear,

 

I know what I am about to say is going to seem a little harsh, but it's simply honest. You are her rebound; she's using this to take her mind off of her ex and get over him.

 

You agreed to and are in an open relationship. That's the objective truth. Unfortunately, you feel deceived because she did not tell you that a lot of that had to do with trying to get over her ex (which I think is understandable because she might have had some hope that she would forget about him and it wouldn't be an issue).

 

Given the information you have now, the best advice I can give is to recognize that you cannot control the outcome here. The relationship may not ever get to where you want it to be. But what you can do is recognize and communicate your needs. You need to change this open relationship to an exclusive, committed one.

 

Sit her down and tell her that this is what you want and that you will not accept the current arrangement's continuance. Then you must be willing to walk away if she says, "Hey, you knew this was open from the beginning. I can't [read don't want to] change it." If so, then you need to walk away. Best of luck to you.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Ms Darcy is correct. You are her rebound. That's kind of the definition - when someone rolls into another relationship to help them get over the previous one. She is still thinking about her ex. That's all you need to know. You should talk to her, calmly but firmly, with an absolute "willing to walk" attitude, about what you want from your relationship. She'll either go one way or another, but you'll have your answer. Good luck.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Ms Darcy is correct. You are her rebound. That's kind of the definition - when someone rolls into another relationship to help them get over the previous one. She is still thinking about her ex. That's all you need to know. You should talk to her, calmly but firmly, with an absolute "willing to walk" attitude, about what you want from your relationship. She'll either go one way or another, but you'll have your answer. Good luck.

[demon.days]

I talked to her about it tonight. She says she is terrified of being in another relationship, but at the same time she sees absolutely no reason why she shouldn't commit to a relationship with me. She wants to sleep on it. I suppose this is a good thing, at least something is happening, an end to the stagnation. Thanks for the advice, hopefully she makes the decision i'm hoping for

[demon.days]

She gave me a call a few hours later, opened up with "hey boyfriend"

 

thanks again for the help!