cohabitation and engagement potential

[girl68]

Yup, it's super sad to see people go into debt, my friend is planning a 30K wedding and she has absolutely no savings... I'm trying to knock sense into her. My vote: be realistic that's all. If you're baller... have a ball if you're not, let's just have some fun.

 

No we were never long distance. But with my ex I never felt like I wanted to be with him as much as my now bf. I would value my days away from him. The times I missed him most was when I was horny -eek- disater written all over it, I know. That is also how I knew this one was soo right!

 

I slept over on the 3rd ish date (we'd known eachother as friends for a few months before we started dating/ hooking up and liking eachother). And I slept over every night after that. I was unofficially living there for 6 months before we were looking at places to buy (his name is on the mortage) but I officially live there.

 

Well the situation was that he was renting the place himself, and could afford to do so with no help. I basically just stayed there, I lived at home so didn't really "move out" I just stopped going home for more than to grab more clothes! At that time marriage wasn't discussed because it wasn't a "let's move in together..." At 2 months I knew I loved him very much and at about 4 or 5 we were both very serious about the prospect of marriage to eachother. So in the first year, no it wouldn't have been a hassle to move out. He would be in the same not too difficult position of living on his own and I would have just gone back to my parents. Though now, the situation would be super tragic. We're legally common law, so in the eyes of the law, it would be divorce if we broke up.

 

He's an experienced, serial monogomoist, so he knows what he wants, and what he needs and I guess he found that in me (he's also older, stable well paying job). I knew what I didn't want and he seemed to be everything that was right in my relationship and was everything that I wanted in my last relationship.

 

This is just how it went for me, I can perfectly understand you not wanting to take the risk- makes sense to me, but at the same time, he is worth the risk and he feels the same about me. He's got sooo much more to lose (though, I don't hold that over his head of course, just shows his confidence is me/ us).

[lavenderdove]

actually, i have asked couples moving in together whether this meant they were getting serious and thought they'd marry in future (when they are not in the same room to hear the other person's response).

 

And the woman usually responded something like, 'oh yes, we're soul mates and will marry' or 'we're moving in now, but will get engaged in a year or so.'

 

And the man says something like, 'we haven't planned that far yet,' or 'not sure yet,' or 'hadn't thought about it' or 'we don't need marriage to be happy' or 'who said anything about marriage?'...

 

So basically i know more about each partner's motivations than they've discussed or asked each other about, or one or the other isn't being forthcoming about their real motivation. Therein lies the problem.

 

I guess i'm reiterating that my experience is that women use it as a stepping stone, and men as a stall or end state in itself.

[sophie274]

This is just how it went for me, I can perfectly understand you not wanting to take the risk- makes sense to me, but at the same time, he is worth the risk and he feels the same about me. He's got sooo much more to lose (though, I don't hold that over his head of course, just shows his confidence is me/ us).

 

(I'm just quoting that part so I don't have to quote the giant post!)

 

Thanks for sharing! Makes a lot more sense when you explained that you didn't officially move in until some months down the road ... seems like a more natural progression.

 

It sounds like things are going well, and I hope they continue to!

[velvette]

personally I don't think of living-together as a 'stepping stone'. and for our situation, we can afford to move out anytime because we're both relatively wealthy. marriage/living together/separately holds the same chance of breaking up, for us. we stay together because we make each other happy, we complement each other, and we love each other. if I didn't love him anymore, I'd say bye regardless of living conditions/married or not. personally.

 

yes I believe people who get married and go into debt from it may be silly. but I'm sure expensive weddings is the least of their worries. they'd probably be the most likely to buy a sports car/sailing boat/wide-screen tv even as they sit in debt. it's not that they objectify love, so much as they objectify their whole life.

[sophie274]

personally I don't think of living-together as a 'stepping stone'. and for our situation, we can afford to move out anytime because we're both relatively wealthy. marriage/living together/separately holds the same chance of breaking up, for us. we stay together because we make each other happy, we complement each other, and we love each other. if I didn't love him anymore, I'd say bye regardless of living conditions/married or not. personally.

 

In that case, what does marriage mean to you? You don't sound like you view it as a stronger/higher commitment. Is it just a legal formality?

[velvette]

legal/societal formality, yes. our parents were married, their parents were married, etc.

[girl68]

^ I feel the same way as she does.

 

The chances of us breaking up would be the same as if we were married. But I do think that we both view marriage as something beyond anything we could ever be as bf/ gf. At the end of the day I want to be his wife. I want to have a husband. I'd love to share his name, and I want to have the legal aspect behind us as well.

 

I'm not sure velvette feels the same way, but I agree with her post, but wouldn't conclude that marriage isn't a stronger bond/ committment to my partner.

[velvette]

it probably is (a stronger bond), but I don't know since I haven't been married. all I know for sure is that marriage = a legal/societal formality I want someday! and I probably won't have sex till we're married. personal, not religious reasons.

 

edit: (just wanted to add this)

In one study, Jay Teachman, a researcher at Western Washington University, studied premarital cohabitation of women who are in a monogamous relationship.[9] Teachman’s study showed "women who are committed to one relationship, who have both premarital sex and cohabit only with the man they eventually marry, have no higher incidence of divorce than women who abstain from premarital sex and cohabitation. For women in this category, premarital sex and cohabitation with their eventual husband are just two more steps in developing a committed, long-term relationship." Teachman's findings report instead that "It is only women who have more than one intimate premarital relationship who have an elevated risk of marital disruption. This effect is strongest for women who have multiple premarital coresidental unions."