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cohabitation and engagement potential


pinkrobot

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This is simply a question out of curiosity, I'm not anticipating any of this happening to me anytime soon or anything...

 

But, I read this in an issue of "Cosmo" recently and, you know...it's hard to take the things they publish seriously a lot of the time.

 

It said that if a woman is hoping to get married to her boyfriend, she should avoid moving in with him or the chances of him ever proposing significantly decrease.

 

I'm just curious what everyone's opinions are on this. I can see where that idea comes from, but I'm wondering how true that rings for most people, since many couples choose to live together before marriage nowadays.

 

Any thoughts?

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I lived with 3 different bfs. My college bf - dated 2 years, lived with him for 5 yrs, then there was the alcoholic who sorta planted his butt on my couch and was there for about a year, then on-and-off for another 4, and then my older, cheating ex...dated him for about 6 months, moved in with him at his behest and lived there for a bit over a year, caught him cheating and moved out.

 

I also lived with my husband before we got married -- BUT -- he had proposed and we had a definite time frame for the wedding before he moved in.

 

If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have shacked up with my exes. My experience was it was all the "grunt work" of being married without any of the benefits. I still got saddled with the majority of the cleaning, cooking, caretaking....all those traditional "female" things.

 

On the whole, if I had it to do over again, I would've lived by myself and just had frequent sleep-overs.

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My mother used to say to me "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Archaic sounding, I know; but true and wise. Most people want maximum gain with minimal cost or output. Living with a man will NOT stimulate or motivate him to get married. If he is not committed to marrying you, living with him, playing house, and cooking him lots of breakfasts is not going to change anything. Women who think that commitment will come after they shack up often learn the hard way that this is not the case.

 

If a woman operates under the illusion that living together without a real commitment will somehow bring you closer together, should know that many women report that their husbands proposed to them after they moved away from, NOT toward the relationship. In other words, here we are back at basic biology again...men like to pursue, they like a woman who's more difficult to capture. If you make it too easy for them, they will get bored and end up taking you for granted.

 

Move in ONLY if you've set a wedding date. The only reason to live with someone is if you are planning your wedding and don't want to pay two rents.

 

Take a trip with a girlfriend to the Bahamas for a little R&R and watch him propose. Not manipulative, just basic man science. Lol!

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I think it depends on your age and what you want.

 

If you are at an age where you want to get married, or are interested in a relationship with the potential for marriage, then I completely agree: do not move in unless a) you are engaged with a wedding date plan within the year, or b) you are married, or c) exceptional circumstance (your house blew away in a tornado, and all your friends' houses too).

 

Why? well it has to do with with incentives.... once you're in the house making the place comfortable and you are always around for fun, then the incentive to get married and commit to a ring and marriage for a guy diminishes. Of course, this isn't every relationship but why put yourself in a risky situation (finances and all the upheaval and details of moving) where so much is on the line? Make it easier on yourself and onky move in when the ring is on the finger and the date is set.

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Okay, so...just for future reference (since I am currently not living with my boyfriend and not engaged), if a man asks his girlfriend to move in with him, how would she say no without saying, "I don't want to live with you until you propose" (because that sounds a little, oh, what's the word?)

 

And, if age would be a factor in this hypothetical situation, say it's mid-to-late 20s.

 

I suddenly feel like I'm out of the loop on this serious relationship business.

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no reason to feel out of the loop! a lot of us learn it as we go.... things change, especially our positions on things in relationships!

 

Um, I'm not sure what the best response would be. Has your boyfriend asked you to move in? Or do you think he's getting to this stage soon?

 

You might say pretty simply that you plan on moving in with a man only if you are married, or engaged with a wedding date set within the year (be specific). No need to say "you" (meaning him). That way you are telling him your boundary, which is not specific to him... it is what you expect, simple as that.

 

then wait for the ring, it'll prob come a lot faster this way : )

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Okay, so...just for future reference (since I am currently not living with my boyfriend and not engaged), if a man asks his girlfriend to move in with him, how would she say no without saying, "I don't want to live with you until you propose" (because that sounds a little, oh, what's the word?)

 

And, if age would be a factor in this hypothetical situation, say it's mid-to-late 20s.

 

I suddenly feel like I'm out of the loop on this serious relationship business.

 

If a man asks his girlfriend to move in with him, the girl (hopefully, being a WISE girl) would NOT say that, and I did not suggest that she should. I am saying that (as I'm sure the Cosmo article states, though I did not read it) moving in with a man actually diminishes the chances that he will propose because he's getting free sex, free laundry service, free cook, etc. Also I am not implying that men are bad or opportunistic (but many are). Again, why buy the cow if the milk is free? God, I hate saying that, but axioms are are created because the inherent truth they contain is self-evident.

 

The woman might say (all the while knowing that if she DOES move in, it's a HUGE risk and no guarantee of marriage) "Wow, I've thought about that, too; but I don't think it's a good idea" or "I'm not ready to take such a huge step," or something along those lines.

 

You asked for opinions, so here they are. Looks like the consensus is DON'T move in before marriage, because the major percentage of such cohabitations do not result in marriage. I have spoken.

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no reason to feel out of the loop! a lot of us learn it as we go.... things change, especially our positions on things in relationships!

 

Um, I'm not sure what the best response would be. Has your boyfriend asked you to move in? Or do you think he's getting to this stage soon?

 

You might say pretty simply that you plan on moving in with a man only if you are married, or engaged with a wedding date set within the year (be specific). No need to say "you" (meaning him). That way you are telling him your boundary, which is not specific to him... it is what you expect, simple as that.

 

then wait for the ring, it'll prob come a lot faster this way : )

 

Haha, that's my concern, is I'm the type who really wants to get married one day...and I'd hate to spoil that just by moving in with a guy (I've lived with a boyfriend before, but we were young and stupid and not bound to get married anyway).

 

And no, I've only been with my boyfriend a little over 5 months so I'm not expecting this to happen any time in the near future, I just want to get this all sorted out now while it's not even potentially an issue so that I know what to do next time I reach that point in a relationship!

 

My concern about coming out and admitting I won't live with someone before we're at least engaged is that it might scare him away if I put it that way...sigh...

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The woman might say (all the while knowing that if she DOES move in, it's a HUGE risk and no guarantee of marriage) "Wow, I've thought about that, too; but I don't think it's a good idea" or "I'm not ready to take such a huge step," or something along those lines.

 

Okay, so say this is the response, but say the girl is turning him down because she's hoping that he will propose at some point. Wouldn't saying you're "not ready for such a huge step" indicate that the girl also isn't ready to get married (because I'd say that's an even bigger step )? It just seems like that would backfire. Or saying you don't think it's a good idea makes it sound like a reflection of satisfaction with the relationship.

 

And by the way, I did ask for opinions and I value each and every one of them. Obviously I'm no expert on this topic (I mean, I did ask)...I'm just digging deep into it because it's one of the only real issues I haven't had much experience with in terms of serious relationships.

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Does your boyfriend want to get married? Is that one of his future goals? I think you need to figure out if the two of you are on the same wavelength in term of relationship goals if you would like marriage one day.

 

I think the marriage talk should be an open dialogue. My guy and I frequently talk marriage, if we should get engaged before or after moving in, and talk time lines as well if we don't do it before we move in. Atleast we know we both feel the same way and want the same things. I've expressed my fears about having to wait longer for an engagement/wedding if we go right for a house, etc.

 

It takes all the guess work out, in my opinion, if you just openly communicate.

 

But maybe also question if you can't openly talk about this topic, is the relationship ready to be moving in together if you haven't figured out what you partner wants as well? What does he see happening? Personally I'd figure out if you two are doing this with the same thing in mind, not just for fun and you two playing husband and wife and he gets comfy and doesn't think its necessary.

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Agree with everyone who says not to do it unless you are married or have a wedding date in the near future. I wouldn't respond with "I won't move in unless you propose" but "I've decided I won't live with anyone unless we are married or the wedding is in the near future, when paying two rents would be silly" (that way, it's not that you'd move in if he proposes, you'd just move in if the wedding was in the near future AND financially it didn't make sense).

 

I lived briefly with one man because the wedding was in the near future (we broke up, but not at all because we had moved in together).

 

Also agree that there should be an open dialogue from early on about what your future goals/plans are, especially if you are marriage minded in general.

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we discuss this a lot in my sociology classes. the stats for cohabitation are not good if you want to marry the person. however i do argue that people should live together for a little bit to see how it would work out before having the burden of getting a divorce. i don't see anything wrong with cohabitation myself; but the stats are not in favor of it.

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(since I am currently not living with my boyfriend and not engaged), if a man asks his girlfriend to move in with him, how would she say no without saying, "I don't want to live with you until you propose" (because that sounds a little, oh, what's the word?)

 

Well I think that if you choose not to want to live with him unless you are engaged that's fine to each his own. Though I'm on the other side of the fence for sure. But whatever, if he asks and you want to decline you're perfectly allowed to say how you feel though maybe not state it like that ^. Just explain your opinion. That living together is a wonderful idea but you don't think couples should do so without being at least engaged first. Tell him this is not meant to pressure him into proposing at all but your view on relationships is this. Couples should not co habitate without an engagement at the least.

 

we discuss this a lot in my sociology classes. the stats for cohabitation are not good if you want to marry the person. however i do argue that people should live together for a little bit to see how it would work out before having the burden of getting a divorce. i don't see anything wrong with cohabitation myself; but the stats are not in favor of it.

 

I saw all the stats, but I don't believe all stats. Stats are flawed and skewed and tainted by the people who fund them. But that's me just questioning all studies I read. And frankly even if I did believe the stats, who says I'm one of them... all they say are you have a "chance" to be divorced or not married. So I have that same chance if I don't live with him!

 

Regardless I agree with ghost here, I believe that couples do need to live with eachother it's just a stage in the relationship. My bf has lived with 3 girls never married any of them. It's just a stage in the relationship such as an engagement. You date, get serious, move in (or not), get engaged and then married. That's how we see it. The relationship can end at any stage. Holding off on moving in hardly makes your chances of making it (in marriage) any better... unless you believe stats.

 

I'm living with my guy and he does plan to marry me, he's not "putting it off" and reaping all the rewards.

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I don't agree with this at all.

 

I had dinner with a friend of mine yesterday and she just got engaged! She moved in with her boyfriend 8 months into their relationship and 3 years and 4 months later, he proposed.

 

The thing is they were the couple who weren't afraid of commitment - who wanted to get married in the end; who were not cynical and jaded about relationships; who had the least drama in their lives. They were pretty solid in their relationship and they were the type of people who didn't date anyone who wasn't marriage potential. That was their end goal in mind. So I guess it's not a question of living together, but being committed to wanting to reach the end destination - MARRIAGE.

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I don't agree with this at all.

 

I had dinner with a friend of mine yesterday and she just got engaged! She moved in with her boyfriend 8 months into their relationship and 3 years and 4 months later, he proposed.

 

The thing is they were the couple who weren't afraid of commitment - who wanted to get married in the end; who were not cynical and jaded about relationships; who had the least drama in their lives. They were pretty solid in their relationship and they were the type of people who didn't date anyone who wasn't marriage potential. That was their end goal in mind. So I guess it's not a question of living together, but being committed to wanting to reach the end destination - MARRIAGE.

 

What exactly do you not agree with? The last 3 posts all say living together is a great thing in a relationship. And you say you don't agree? Or is it that you don't agree with the other posters who say living together is bad before marriage? Just curious!?

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i'd like to see them function behind closed doors.

 

YES! Exactly! I've learnt soooo much. I've learned how to live with someone, and I want a trial run in case I found out he was impossible to live with... and oh crap we're already married! I mean we're all over eachother having sex 5 times a week when we see eachother only 3 times a week... and then BAM we move in and he wants to screw once a month. I'd rather know that before I contract myself to him!

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What exactly do you not agree with? The last 3 posts all say living together is a great thing in a relationship. And you say you don't agree? Or is it that you don't agree with the other posters who say living together is bad before marriage? Just curious!?

 

I don't agree with that statistics/OP post saying that living together is bad before marriage.

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I don't agree with that statistics/OP post saying that living together is bad before marriage.

 

Ahh, jump in our boat! I agree, and think that my bf and I seem very similar to your drama free friends... at least that's what we're told.

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(: my bf'll marry me, I'm sure of it. we've lived together for 2 years now. he's proposed to me dozens of times, but since we're still in school I've had to reject him dozens of times lol. it's kind of fun. p:

but then I don't have sex with him/clean the house/cook or anything special like that. and he wouldn't expect me to even after we married (other than the sex part, haha).

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(: my bf'll marry me, I'm sure of it. we've lived together for 2 years now. he's proposed to me dozens of times, but since we're still in school I've had to reject him dozens of times lol. it's kind of fun. p:

but then I don't have sex with him/clean the house/cook or anything special like that. and he wouldn't expect me to even after we married (other than the sex part, haha).

 

It must be difficult avoiding having sex with your boyfriend. Is it a mutual decision or something like that?

 

Also, you already know you guys are planning to be married and he has shown strongly that he wants to marry you. Your situation is pretty much ideal. Just curious about the sex part, though. I would have a hard time with that one, lol!

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haha it's my choice but he respects that, he's never pressured me. he's happy with his BJs. ;P

 

well I guess we talked about marriage before we started dating, so commitment was always there. when we chatted as friends, I had said I wanted to marry my first boyfriend, and he too wanted to marry his first girlfriend. and I told him I didn't want to date because I didn't want the physical aspects of it, so he understood and never pressured me too hard. we dated about half a year before ever kissing, and it was I who finally set a date to kiss. he basically 'bought the cow' before there was even any certainty of milk, hahaha.

 

probably not the most usual circumstance!

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