help me i have a crazy gf

[lovekare]

ok so I'm stuck in a situation and need some advice. my girl and i been together for 3 yrs. she has a slight anger problem. well she's a brat. when she's mad she throws fits insults me yells at me, etc. she never hits me bt sometimes she'll throw and break things jump out of the car while its moving, kinda over dramatic you could say. She had a really tough childhood and has problems trusting others. everytime she gets hurt by anything or any one, she freaks out and takes it out on me to kinda push me away. I'm patient and i love her and I understand that it will take time for her to change and get over her issues. bt at the same time I'm tired of being disrespected. I don't want to be insulted every time she gets upset over other things that have nothing to do with me. I want to help her with her problem, bt its making me depressed and my mood is always down. I'm afraid to be late from work or make any mistakes bc she'll make me feel horrible. she has also thrown fits in front of her family and friends and even complete strangers. it's really embarrasing. i'm afraid to ask my friends for advice bc they jst tell me to leave her. I think I might be ready to let go of her, but she wants me to stay. she promises to try to never lose respect for me, bt she says its hard to control her anger at the time.she feels that she's getting better b/c she can apologize after and calm down after a while. I'm afraid the problem will never get better just worse. but when she's not mad she's the perfect girl. and after she calms down she cries and begs me to forgive her. what am I supposed to do?

[HellFrost666]

How do you react when she acts like this?

[faithful14]

sit down and talk to her letting her know that while you love her, that some things need to be different here because its not working right now. Let her know that her always being upset puts you down and depresses you to a point where you feel like you can't give anymore.

 

Let her know you want to help and be there for her but its hard when she blames you for things that are not even your fault. You can try to just give her space when she gets upset and wait till she comes to talk to you about it in a rational manner.

[lovekare]

that's true i guess others let go of their anger in different ways. do you think this situation is of major concern or that she's just a brat who needs to and will grow of it. we are only 23 is it too soon to bail out?

[chiefoptimizer]

that's true i guess others let go of their anger in different ways. do you think this situation is of major concern or that she's just a brat who needs to and will grow of it. we are only 23 is it too soon to bail out?

 

Hey, I used to act similarly back when I had very low self esteem. Every little thing that went wrong would push me over the edge. I usually stayed well away from my friends during those fits, and mostly destroyed my own stuff. I also promised myself I would never date anyone as long as I dealt with the depression, bouts of anger, and stuff.

 

Has she tried to seek help from a doctor? They may be able to offer something to help her calm down, or maybe councelling, and help her sort out her demons?

 

I hope it goes ok for you in the end...

[Lucy__lou]

As someone who has anger problems myself, here's my small 2 cents on the issue.

 

1.firstly, you don't have to put up with being lashed out on. (but I know you've already heard that)... so moving on

2. the fact that she has remorse afterwards means there's hope, and that she might be up for working on her anger and her outbursts.

3. Even if she is open to getting help, best to facilitate her discovering that it's a good idea, rather than pushing her if there's any resistance. It's got to feel like her idea.

4. I'm by no means on top of my anger problems, but some things that have helped me were reading this;

link removed

and regular meditation. And the desire to move beyond anger. And the knowledge that if you keep searching, you will find ways of processing things in new ways other than anger. And of course, knowing that anger can be very self destructive.

 

The best thing I read in that link for info on anger management was the observation that anger is a secondary emotion, which we manufacture to distract us from our primary emotion, of being hurt and feeling vulnerable. Buddhist meditation which focuses on observing your reactions rather than reacting to them is great for people with anger. It's been used successfully in prisons actually.

[Nina_2009]

People change only when they need to. If she is comfortable, I do not believe she will do anything serious to change. Her "changes" will be minor, like an apology after or something like that. I suggest to take focus from her and focus on yourself. You are depressed, you are not free to stay late at work, you can not indulge in confidence that your gf trusts you, you are afraid of her moods and tired of them. Basically, all in all - she rules your life. And it is not her fault. She is just like that - manipulative, co-dependent, weak personality and she will be like that with you, or with someone else. I do not believe she can change her personality, especially while she is in comfortable for her relationship. Because your relationship feeds her and let her be the way she is. Why to change? The fact that you have this in your life is YOUR choice and if I were you, I would ask myself WHY i am with this person. Obviously you need this type of personality around you. May be it compliments you, may be you feel like a hero, rescuing a beauty, may be you need someone to control you, or may be you just prone to be self-destructive and this is your choice.

 

If all above is nonsense and you just love her, i would recommend stop living together, do not break up with her, but start relationship anew. Meet for coffee, go for walks, movies, do not spend time inside, do not have sex, give it a fair time, when both of you will become comfortable on your own and together. I do not see another way.

[Up and Down]

I agree with Nina, she has offered good adivce. Whether your girlfriend realizes it or not she is abusive and controlling. However it's hard for people in relationships to change and first they need to start to accept responsibility for their actions rather than blaming someone else for their lashing out.

 

That is the biggest step! Maybe you should do as Nina suggested and not break-up but take a step away. I think abusive people need to realize what they stand to lose before they will change, and even that's no guarantee.

[chiefoptimizer]

I'd never have thought of this myself, but I think Nina is right. Step back, and show her what she has to lose if she is unwilling to make the effort to change.

[lukeb]

The only person you have control over is yourself, I don't think it is likely your gf will change. You need to decide if you can live with your gf the way she is now, basically assume that she will never change. You can talk these issues to death and threaten to leave if it ever happens again, but I don't think that is going to work. You have been with her for 3 years, you haven't left yet so these threats are going to seem like idle threats.

[lovekare]

thanks everyone. I do think that a step back could help us. bt financially i can't really afford it. i feel stuck, and i feel like if we separate even a bit she''ll feel abandoned and just back off completely. I realize that she needs help and she needs to do it alone. she has never had to deal with the conscecuence of her anger, but i also don't want to punish her for her weaknesses. and yes this always happens to me. i guess i have a self destructive personality, bt its not on purpose. i want to help and its vey debilitating to me when i can't help her. i guess i should just walk away but i don't want her to hate me and i'm pretty sure she will. i guess i lost her already...

[DN]

You may not be able to remove yourself permanently but you can remove yourself from each situation. Every time she behaves badly - go out. Go for a walk or stay at a friends house overnight. Tell her when she has calmed down to call you and you will then come home and if she starts again - do the same thing.

 

It's hard to have a satisfactory argument or fight with someone who isn't in the house.

[Nina_2009]

lovekare, you've mentioned that you can't financially afford separating from her. Does it mean that she is supporting you financially?

[lukeb]

You may not be able to remove yourself permanently but you can remove yourself from each situation. Every time she behaves badly - go out. Go for a walk or stay at a friends house overnight. Tell her when she has calmed down to call you and you will then come home and if she starts again - do the same thing.

 

It's hard to have a satisfactory argument or fight with someone who isn't in the house.

 

That is actually a good idea, don't reward her by responding reacting to what she is doing, just walk away, don't say a thing.

[Ranch]

First of all, I want to congradulate you for not walking out, or just shrugging her Off. Most people will always say I tried but after awhile they'll leave and group up a pity party for themselves, and rant on about how they should get help. I'm glad your so patient. Try and get her help. Go forth and take that step. Don't control her, but always always assure her your there. But look into helping her, don't give up!

 

I know it's might be difficult to see but she pushes you away, is a very big compliment in a way. Let me explain. She's going to you, even though not expressing it in the finest way, she is crying for help. I'm not saying go and call a psychitrous on her because that will make her feel betrayed, and like your going behind her back. SHE also has to be the one to go for it. She has to want it. It takes alot of time, and yes it gets Vey Hard. Congratulations though. You, make me smile that there are still human people out there.

[lukeb]

I'm not telling you that you should give up on her, all I am saying is that you shouldn't stay in any relationship with the condition that your partner will change. This simply is a recipe for disaster, accept your partner with all the garbage that comes with that person. Ask yourself if you can live with the person the way she is now and ask yourself if you can be happy right now, assuming that things will not change.

[Nina_2009]

I disagree with Ranch. I disagree that it is OK when one person is troubled and not responsible, has all the excuses for terrible behavior, has no patience, has not respect to others, has not respect to oneself, who desires only instant gratification and will raise hell if you do not go along with it. I disagree that the role of a partner in that type of relationship is to be patient and take a ride after a ride on this roller coaster. I disagree that if another sticks on the roller coaster it called love. To heal a human being is a responsibility of this human being ONLY. If this human being is looking for distraction from her condition because no doubt she is suffering from self-hate and she needs another person who expresses "love" to justify all her horrible behavior. So the role of her partner is to distract her from her true-self which is saying: you are a monster, change, I do not love you like that, you can not afford to be so nasty, you deserve better, etc. In a long run to go along with that type of behavior is to bring more harm to this person. However in this case something made me doubt - a remark of the author that she can't finish this relationship bc she can't afford it financially. If this sick girl provides her with financial care it changes a lot in the story to the point where I can say - we know only one side of the story.

[lovekare]

Okay, thanks everyone for your advice. i want to clear some things up. me an my gf have been living together for about 2 yrs now. at first it was a cheapo but less than a year ago we got together a pretty sweet condo. Now I work really hard, 1 day off/wk, 9 to 10 hrs a day. so does she. together we can keep up everything we have no problem. bt we are in a contract so even if we broke up we would still have to live together bc i don't have money for like the full rent and bills on my own neither does she. so maybe that was a bad decision bt it happens. we trusted each other. i mean we really got a life together. the whole way. So...financially it wouldn't be wise to leave...second I do think i have lots of patience, but i don't enable her. i talk to her and tell her how she makes me feel no bs. Also...I feel like I can help her bc she wants to change. there is a difference with being who you are and behaving badly. or should a criminal just account his behavior to just being who he is...there are gene studies to prove some of this, but its the rest is mostly bs, you can correct bad behavior. Especially if you can start to see the effects of such behavior become a burden not only to others but to yourself as well...Point is that I love her and I'll continue helping her & observing her, maybe she'll show me that she really is trying, or maybe she'll go back to her old self in no time. the difference now is that i'm stepping out head first. I no longer want to participate in her chaos. if she behaves like that I'll walk away. if she can't come down from her fits alone, then maybe the problem might be worse than i thought. then i'll have to walk away. but i'll always keep an eye on her, make sure she knows she's loved. no matter what she's the love of my life. even though i just can't be with her.

 

...

[Nina_2009]

Sometimes love is not enough, i agree. If a love for someone else contradicts with a love to yourself it is a tough situation and a tough choice. However I do believe if the love i mutual there is always a way of solving things even if it means to go separate. Love is not always measured by the time together, it survives a physical separation if that what's needed to maintain a full satisfactory lives for both partners. I wish you the best of luck and wisdom.