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Getting fed up...


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... thought I'd learnt a lot from this forum, but realise I'm actually no further forward than ever. However much a girl seems to like me, it always gets to a point where she has to step outside her comfort zone, and this she will never ever do for me. I've often fallen for flirts/predators, simply because they at least agreed to do dates and turned up for them (at first). Those whose comfort zone is narrower won't even do that. Is there anything I can change to make it more likely that someone will just go for it with me?

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Have you tried "targeting" (sound wrong doesn't it?) different women who maybe take a more relaxed apprough to dates?


If you took a more relaxed view on dating then that would put your date at easy in herself, forcus on forming friendships first then move it to the next level when your both comfitible with each other

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don't put so much weight on it. Date A LOT of women and don't like them a lot from the beginning...like them slowly over time. Your intensity probably scares them off. I'm the female version of you. They lose interest when they see how geared towards commitment I am.

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Thank you everyone, your replies are much appreciated. To clarify: I’m talking about moving it to the point where the girl is doing a bit more with me than she would with other guys she knows. That may mean agreeing to a date, for extrovert girls who date lots of guys anyway it means being honest about her feelings, for extra-shy girls it means just becoming friends.


I’ve tried this with LOTS of girls, all different types, but whatever pace I take it at and however keen and hopeful she seemed to be up to that point, as soon as she reaches the line between “friend” and “more than friend” suddenly she goes cold and out come the “I’m really busy at the moment” excuses. A couple of times yes I have made the mistake of being too intense, but when I go for a much more laid-back “take it or leave it” approach it isn’t any more successful.


I do have some problems with the idea of completely repressing your own preferences and just asking girl after girl after girl until SOMEBODY says yes, and then thinking that girl is the most wonderful person in the world simply because she said yes to you. I’ve seen my friends do that, and yes it got them relationships, but they were weak relationships built on desperation.


CrazyKing, you’re right that part of it is my own comfort zone. I do tend to desire girls much more when they’re a little out of reach, and then pull away when there’s most chance of something happening. But what can I do to develop and communicate a more confident attitude? I can’t see that some kind of forced closeness with someone there's no real connection with will solve all my problems.

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But what can I do to develop and communicate a more confident attitude? I can’t see that some kind of forced closeness with someone there's no real connection with will solve all my problems.


Things need to be pulled forward a little...

Somebody has to take the first step to get closer, so if both don't dare to do more, nobody won't and may leave both disappointed about not having the closeness desired...

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Absolutely, someone needs to make a move. I have done many times, and I'm sure that at least some of those times the girl was genuinely attracted to me. Yet still nothing happened.


I accept that (unless it's someone very bossy, who's determined to have you at any cost) people have all kinds of issues swimming around in their heads: fear of the unknown, fear of getting hurt or used, fear of commitment, fear of seeming desperate, so it's inevitable that you're going meet resistance at some point.


But HOW are you supposed to overcome it? If I keep trying they push me away more and everyone says I'm an idiot for not taking no for an answer; if I back off they never come running back and everyone says I'm an idiot for not being more assertive. Sometimes a year or two later I then see the girl whining on facebook or wherever that she's lonely and nobody loves her. It just seems a total no-win situation.

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The difference between a guy who's successful and the guy who ends up being called a "fool" or something is his reaction...

On average even the guys who get lot's of girls get rejected numerous times, but they keep on trying knowing that at least one of them will respond the way he'd like...

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Well yes, everyone does get some rejections. But not this many, and from people who seemed very keen up until the point where they were actually asked ... it doesn't add up...

Yea but the rejections will become less and less frequent if you learn from them about what you've done wrong and how your personal aproach should be...

Let's say that out of 10 girls one says yes, so, just take a note in your head like: "I did this, I did that and it worked, that means I'll try it that way again"... And so on, it's called fine-tuning...

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But you can’t do that without at least one yes to start from. If I had a 10% hit rate that would be something to work with, but my hit rate is 0% from dozens and dozens of tries. And all anyone can do is send me round in the same circles (try harder, try less hard, take it faster, take it slower, try girls who get more attention, try girls who get less attention… or tell me that sooner or later it’ll magically happen.


As I say, there doesn’t SEEM to be anything wrong with my initial approaches, friendship forming or flirting. Girls respond well to all of these. But as soon as it gets to them needing to offer any kind of commitment (e.g. agreeing to a proper date and turning up) it’s like I’m banging against a brick wall.

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