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What should i do? Need advice please.


sao

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I recently found out that my fiance cheated on me very early in our relationship (around 2

 

weeks in) and now i'm not sure what to do. I'm so confused. I'll try to set up the situation as

 

best as i can so you guys have all the facts.

 

So basically i met this girl who is the most wonderfull girl i had met up till now. We started

 

hanging out and started enjoying each others company. The problem was she was in this sort of

 

relationship with this other guy but he just dissapeared a couple of weeks previous. She was

 

annoyed but he had done that before and she was expecting him to come back acting like nothing

 

had every happened. So by the end of the third week we'd had gotten closer and she was fed up

 

at this guy taking off so she decided the hell with him and started dating me. Things were good

 

with us.

 

Sure enough he came back 2 weeks later expecting that they were still going out. She told him

 

they were done and now she was with me. She's the type that is friends with all her exs so she

 

remained friends with him and that was fine. She never cheated on anyone before (we have mutual

 

friends throught out the years) and has been cheated on before so i completely trusted her in

 

this regard even if i don't trust the exs.

 

So our relationship got really good and we have gotten along very good to the point now that we

 

are engaged. So this brings us to the present. We've been looking at houses to buy and we are

 

are really exicted to get married. In the last few days she had been asking weird question

 

regarding cheating like "would you leave someone for cheating even if it was at the beginning

 

of relationship because they weren't sure how it was going to turn out". I immdiately thought

 

this was weird as we had discussed before that cheating was unacceptable to either of us and

 

would be a relationship ender for both of us.

 

So after a few more questions like this she finally broke down and told me that she had cheated

 

on me in our first 2 weeks of seeing each other. It was when her ex came back. She said it just

 

happened but it was short and only happened that once. She said she was sorry and knows it was

 

wrong but she was not guilty about as it made her realized she no longer had feelings for him

 

and now she realized how much she cared for me. She says she needed to say goodbye to him

 

before she could commit to me. Otherwise she would have always had him in the back of her mind.

 

She also doesn't think it was as big as issue cuz it was early in our relationship and we had

 

not have sex yet at that time. Since we have been having sex she hasn't cheated on me and never

 

will again.

 

I have no doubt that she loves me now and hasn't cheated on me since then and i still love her

 

so much. We had one day where i was considering leaving her. She pleaded me not to. I was like

 

i don't think i can trust you with any of your exs anymore and i can't ask you to give them up.

 

She then went as far as deleting all her male froends off of facebook and her phone. I didn't

 

ask her to do this but she did it anyway so i didn't leave her.

 

It's been a few days and we get along just as we did before but there is this lingering doubt

 

that remains in me. I still love her and i'm not sure i could actually leave her if i wanted to

 

but somehow i feel she has gotten off way to easy in this matter. She thinks it's not as big as

 

deal because she didn't know me as she does now and that she her feelings really grew after

 

that happened and how sure she is that i'm the one now. It happened so long ago but i still

 

feel so..pathetic i guess? Mainly that i took her back so easily. I feel that somehow that our

 

relationship is tainted because of this. it's almost as i got the bait and switch happen to me.

 

I thought our relationship was on way and that was the reason i asked her to marry me later on.

 

I'm not too sure i would have had i known that at the time.

 

I'm so torn because she is the best relationship i've ever been in and she is so the girl i

 

want to marry but i'm so mad at her ruining our "near to perfect" relationship. I can't seem to

 

get past this. them hooking up keeps replaying over and over and i'm furious at her for this.

 

But i'm not sure if i should ruin our current happiness because of pride and stubborness.

 

Sorry for the really long post but i don't think this is a typical cheating situation. I'll

 

appreciate any advice or feedback you guys can give me. Thanks.

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Honestly, if this were me, i would NOT let this bother me.

 

The truth is that when you only know each other 2 weeks, NOBODY is committed to each other, no matter what you say. You don't know the person well enough to make a commitment, and a few dates does not a relationship make.

 

I don't even think you have a right to be furious with her, because she only knew you 2 weeks, and was confused about what she wanted, and didn't know you well enough to make that commitment to you, especially when she hadn't truly finished the relationship with someone else yet. Once she did, she has been faithful to you and you've been happy, so i think you are really overreacting to this.

 

If you had dated her a year and she cheated, then that would be something else entirely. I don't even really consider her sleeping with her former boyfriend after dating only two weeks as cheating, since you two didn't even really know each other, and she had unfinished business with the other guy (which has been long finished).

 

I think it would be a mistake to throw away a really good relationship with someone over something that happened long in the past, when you weren't even really committed to each other. A couple weeks of dating isn't even a relationship, and i think the real problem is that you expected each other to be committed way too soon, before she'd finished up with the other guy yet.

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This is a tough one, umm Im not sure what I would do in this case. Im engaged too & if I found out my SO did this in the first 2 weeks of us dating...1. it would depend if we were exclusive at this point (which we weren't lol)...where you two official? 2. If he confessed (and she did) and 3. If I could trust him again (this I dont know)..Can you fully trust her again?

 

How long have you guys been dating?

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But she told him she was done with her ex. I dont really agree with this whole "you were only together for two weeks" outlook. But its your opinion

 

If he would have found out a lot sooner, like he said he probably wouldnt have proposed to her and what not.

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You need to make some decisions:

 

Do you love her enough to forgive her?

Can you trust her now?

Can you get past this to the point where it will not corrode your relationship?

 

If the answers to any one of these questions is "No" then you should end the relationship. But if they are all"Yes" then make up your mind to let this go and concentrate on the relationship as it is now and the future - not how it was after two weeks.

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I think you are CRAZY if you call it off now!! In my opinion she has shown you more by stepping up and being honest! It seems she really cares for you deeply and you for her. From my point of view, technically, she cheated on him with you. I respect the fact that she put a definitive end to the relationship with him. I also respect the fact that she showed you she wants there to be absolutely no secrets between you guys. I am not sure I would be rushing into marriage, but I would definitely see where it goes.

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Thanks for the quick replies.

 

Lavenderdove, i guess it depends on what you consider dating? We were considered "exclusive" at that time by both of us. She agrees this was cheating and accepts that she was wrong. I consider the month before that to be "dating".

 

She also admitted that she didn't tell me right away because she knew i would leave her. This is where i kind of have a ambigious problem. I feel like she probably should have told me before i gained emotional investment or at least before i proposed to her. It's almost like she was waiting until we went too far to go back.

 

I dunno maybe i'm being unreasonable but i don't think i am. I know she would've been upset had it been the other way around. But i'm open to whatever everyone has to say because deep down i want to save this. I just feel that our relationship has been tainted bacause of this.

 

Thanks for hearing me out and for your opinions.

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I agree with what others have said that it is your call to make. If it were me, I would not be too bothered by the whole situation. No one is ever going to act perfectly in a relationship, you were only dating for two weeks so it's not like any serious commitment would have been established yet, and she voluntarily told you about the incident and offered to delete all her male contacts. I don't see it as a huge issue. However, if it bothers you to the point where you don't think you'll ever be able to trust her again, it might be wiser just to end it, because a lack of trust will likely destroy the relationship anyway.

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You need to make some decisions:

 

Do you love her enough to forgive her?

Can you trust her now?

Can you get past this to the point where it will not corrode your relationship?

 

If the answers to any one of these questions is "No" then you should end the relationship. But if they are all"Yes" then make up your mind to let this go and concentrate on the relationship as it is now and the future - not how it was after two weeks.

 

 

I want to say yes to all of the above but i'm totally not sure. Everytime i think i can let it go it comes back or reminds me someway. I keep replaying the hook up over and over no matter how much i try not to.

 

I guess the part the bothers me is that she says she feels bad about it but doesn't regret it because she had to say goodbye. I just don't understand why she had to sleep with him to say goodbye and move on.

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You have to be careful to distinguish between genuinely evaluating whether she will do this again, or just being mad and wanting to scratch your mad spot and ego.

 

Replaying the scene in your imagination again and again is a self indulgent ego thing, that marriage counselors will tell you you need to avoid. First off, you didn't see it, it's just your imagining it. And it has more to do with jealousy, and jealousy of something that happened long in the past is a waste of time and counterproductive.

 

So do you think she will do it now that you've been together? If you think your relationship has grown to the point where you are a solid couple, then you need to let this go and spend your time building a strong relationship rather than dwelling on something that happened long ago in the past.

 

If you can't let it go (or don't want to), then don't waste a lot of time and just break up.

 

If you're not sure, then attend some pre-marital couples counseling to work thru this.

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I just feel that our relationship has been tainted bacause of this.

 

 

If you're looking for an untainted relationship, you're going to be looking for a long time. Every relationship becomes "tainted" at some point, and afterward it either becomes stronger, or goes downhill and dies.

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If I were you, I wold probably feel confused and down as well. Letting her get away so "easy" would stay in my mind and make me feel that somehow it was okay..

 

I guess I would say to her that cheating is not acceptable and you need to take time to think about it. And then take even a weekend or so by yourself, couple of days of no contact. Take time to be with your friends and family. Even when you are actually sure you will not leave her, I think you should do that. First of all, it will make her understand that you are serious and what she did should never ever happen again, she will miss you and appreciate you when you come back even more. And for you, it will give time to miss her as well. You will most likely understand that the past is past and you can put it befind.

 

If you leave it just like that, live like nothing happened, one day - sooner or later - when you're mad or tired, you will say something or do something you'll regret cos of this. Not dealing with it, will make you resent her, even just a bit.

 

Just my thoughts.

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I would give her lots of credit for telling you. Beside that, you were only 2 weeks in. Part of a long term relationship is having the emotional maturity to forgive someone their transgressions.

 

You might be careful here that this doesn't turn around to bite you, as in she thinks, hell, I've done all I can here and he's obviously not able to move beyond this.

 

Let it go.

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I agree with this, although I'd have to admit my own mistake in allowing someone to trapeze from one person to the next, and next being me. But my big question to her would be, "Why did you tell me this?"

 

See, I don't agree with the precept that playing true confession with someone else's mind is at all noble or 'honest'. It's manipulative, because it dumps the guilty conscience onto someone else who's harmed by the info and powerless to change it. It puts the innocent one in the awful position of decision-making even while the confessor ramps up the manipulation to influence the outcome. And then the confessor can hide behind a banner of 'honesty' while squelching any future doubts or protests by the innocent one--who in my estimation was better off never knowing.

 

So you're right, she 'gets away with it' and it now becomes your monkey. That's just plain messy, but the whole thing was messy from the start. She wasn't done with one guy before setting up another. And THAT means she could do the same to you someday--and you'll always know this.

 

My heart goes out to you. I agree with the above, take some time away to think this through.

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