acceptance and letting go: not a simple black and white process is it?

[cookiedough1]

man, do i need support tonight.

 

been 4 months (almost exactly) since the breakup and I was feeling ok this week. I had dinner with one of my friends and his wife...and they started showing me all their wedding pictures (which I had not seen previously) from last year. Of course, there are pictures of me and my ex looking happy and couply.

 

I feel extremely down, and I cried today (it has been awhile since the last time). I realized that when I look at a picture of him, I still love him. I still find him beautiful. I still want to be with him.

 

I know the healing process is never a constant thing, but I get so frustrated feeling like I'm at the bottom. I feel that I won't ever get over this. The idea of being able to see him or even a picture of him and not feel sad seems so impossible.

 

I know that I haven't completely let go of the idea of being with him...and I'm having trouble. Any thoughts? I know a lot of us have this issue. I just don't want to waste more time of my life holding on to something that won't happen

[cl76]

There are no "tricks" to feeling better. What it takes are new, happy experiences to replace your old ones. You replace your old memories of your ex with new feelings and emotions tied to recent events that don't involve your ex. This is how you get over him.

 

So this means you have to get out there and do stuff. Exercise, go travelling, meet other people, take up a new sport or hobby etc. Stop holding on to the past, accept it and let it go. Only then can you begin to heal.

[aglaia]

i agree with cl76... i think wanting to heal and letting go takes a conscious, proactive effort. You have to want to do it and not wait around for it to happen to you. Can't sit around at home pining or whining or reminiscing about the past... that will just drag you down into more darkness.

 

Every time I feel down, which by the way gets less and less with each passing week, I remind myself that I am in control of my feelings and emotions. If I allow myself to wallow and feel weak and unhappy, I will be. Simple as that. Instead I look for the resources around me to turn my mood around. It's all about being happy with yourself and finding joy in other areas. Do I miss him? Sure, every damn day. But i don't let it overwhelm me and make my life debilitating.. the best revenge is living well.

 

Sometimes I read about others on here who still haven't been able to move on after months or years of having broken up with their exes, it scares me that it might actually take that long... But it also spurs me to work harder -- feel the pain, but then learn and move on.

[frdv1217]

It has been 8 months since he told me he does not love me anymore and 9 months from the time I felt he was different. Until now I feel so miserable. I put the blame on myself for telling him to go back to his ex-wife to patch things out. I was truly after his and kids welfare that's why I said it. But I took back my words (a day after) as I realize I cannot be away from him, too. Then, he started to become different then he later told me that he does not love me the way he used to. He said he will heed my advice and try to patch things out with his wife who cheated on him twice. Then today I learned that he got himself a new girlfriend who is a friend of her sister-in-law. I feel so miserable. I called him today and confirmed if he has a new GF and what was the real reason why he dumped me. He said that he tried to patch things out with his ex-wife but he just can't do it, and he got himself a new girlfriend just this year. He left me after I was trying to give him away back to his wife. I was not trying to give him away but that is what he felt. I still love him to this day. ANd it really broke my heart to know he has another girl. I even told him before that if things does not go well with his wife I will still be there for him. But instead, he found someone else.

 

I have always thought that what we had was something really special and it was not like other relationships we both had. Up to this day, I am hopeful that he will come back to me and I will be waiting. I do not know until when I will wait but I am waiting. Only now, I feel so desperate, frustrated and hopeless in every scenario. He took my happiness when he left me--because he is my happiness.

[twomonks]

It's a moment to moment thing, acceptance. Helps if I just "Be Here Now." Breathe. Think less, breathe more. And do one small thing, one step at a time.

 

Learning to think of everyday as an experiment.

 

We are all learning as we go.

 

i haven't read through the whole thread this morning but i guess this is where i am coming from too.

 

we certainly can't deny the pain we are in... or tell ourselves that we don't feel it. i think problems arise when we try to FIGHT our true reality.

 

instead, what you can do is acknowledge the thought/reality for that second..(touch it lightly)... and then move on.

 

it seems to me that if we are always fighting the reality that your ex left ... the pain continues.. acceptance and letting go is difficult...the process of grieving gets stuck.

[canali]

"Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.''

 

I'm really happy people are contributing...

 

what I'm finding:

 

having a plan is key: (as cl76 mentioned)

''those who fail to plan, plan to fail''

(hey while I hate these glib sounding phrases

this one does stand out..especially when I'm needing

to move forward)....I not only have to PLAN activities

but to STICK TO THEM and take more chances.

 

--having a more supportive network will be key for me:

i ....this is an area that is KEYYYYYY for my moving ahead and building more emotional resilency too in times of stress (and not overinvesting in one person).

 

--being able to ''walk the walk''

This is HUGE for me: getting out there and not 'talking the talk'...just

getting going meeting new people/getting out of the house...despite

being very affable and such this area is critical for my own growth

both now and into the future (anyone relate?)...soooo easy to sit

on my touche at home and NOT go out try new things meet new people

but I must engage more....not that i'm an introvert either...just thinking

of having to ''break into a social circle's hierarchy'' makes me roll my eyes

but hey it's life right?

 

--reexaming my thinking: lots of people here (me included!) when down

need to pay better attention to our sometimes emotionally based faulty thinking ie, ''overgeneralization'' or ''crystal ball reading

or ''all or nothing'' or ''catastrophization'' ''emotional reasoning'' etc

(just some of the terms used in CBT...see a good book Feeling Good: somewhat dated as it only goes into cognitive but field has moved ahead to also including cognitive and behavioural in its model)...anyway...these sorts of reality reorienters help you to better examine your thinking: ie sure your ex might never be replaceable but so what?

 

--my own thinking of myths: 'happily ever after' or making my ex into a rescuer as I wasn't really taking responsibility for my own happiness and future....was being too future oriented too..hence my big gig on being more open to change uncertainty and mindfulness.

 

--learning how to process my stress: alot of great resources out there and mindfulness has helped immensely ie, 'the mindful way through depression' and 'radical acceptance' examines how when I'm feeling anxiety and depression to also go inside to the feelings and allow them to be...to open up to them as they are...this way I can better avoid the THOUGHTS that go along with them that further drive my blues and anxiety...lots of workshops out there too on mindfulness ie,

mbsr (mindfulness based stress reduction)...this has been a godsend to me

 

-- more exercise and meditation and getting out there taking more chances trying new things...

 

IMO it really does come down to facing our fears to keep moving ahead (''feel the fear and do it anyway'' /''embracing uncertainty'' (jeffers)

 

--as I also referred to earlier, too: while there is a time and place to grieve (even have time outs for such) there is also a time to look for positive energy too in looking for more joy and happiness.... to reprogram those neural responses too to start to look outward for joy, happiness based activities to nourish us, too.

 

CL76 in earlier posts on here has some great experience with just this.

 

"Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.''

[cl76]

Some hard truths I've learnt:

 

"She still loves me and cares about me... she can't just throw away all those years of being together... all those memories etc."

 

- Even though she does care and love me, she has decided to leave me. This means she only loves me as a friend would. It's definitely not the same anymore. Why isn't it the same? Because there is a loss of ATTRACTION, a loss of respect and the lost feeling of being "equals" in the relationship. This is undeniable, just think about it for a while...

 

"I can win her back if I change."

 

- No, you can't change just like that. It takes years and years to fundamentally change. Change is very slow and gradual. Besides, you don't need to change who you are, because you already know that she loved you once for who you are. What you need to change is what you've become. You are not the same person they fell in love with at the start. Surely this tells you something?

 

"I'll never find someone as good as her/him!"

 

- The biggest lie you'll ever tell yourself. Nobody compares to my ex! Truth is that every person you meet will have different qualities good and bad. If you want to find a new love interest who's a carbon copy of your ex you will fail miserably. Realise that it's not fair on the new person and that you are still trying to hold on to the past. In which case you know you have not healed properly.

 

"Time heals all wounds."

 

- BS, it doesn't. Many people here are still in agony over their ex after months and months or possibly years of NC. They think they're fine and then bam! Someday something comes along and triggers a relapse... back to square one. You need a plan to heal, you need to be pro active, only then will you get your mojo back. When you look back at your ex and think of those happy memories you're well on the way. If you only feel the sting of the break up then you've still got work to do. As has been mentioned before, alcohol and drugs solve nothing, don't go there. Only happiness cures all wounds. You DO NOT want to spend YEARS getting over your ex when you could be out there having the time of your life!

 

"Love will find a way, if it was meant to be... etc"

 

- I believe in "cause and effect" not "fate". If you're just sitting around moping all day thinking that "if it was meant to be, they'll come back" you need to get a reality check. You need to do EVERYTHING in your power to make the chances of healing or reconciling as high as possible. They left you for a good reason, you need to understand this reason, you need to work on yourself and improve. You make your own luck.

 

"They're with a new person, how can she/he do this to me?"

 

- Look, the sad truth is that your ex has been thinking about leaving you for quite some time. They were just stalling the end because they didn't know how to break up with you and they didn't want to hurt you. During this time they may have had thoughts with being with someone else. The allure to a new person is great because they can find someone new to ease their pain and guilt. If you stick around as a friend while they date someone new you are letting them have their cake and eat it too. Don't ever think you can win your ex back by being just a friend because they will never feel as though they've lost you. If you want to reconcile, you have to leave them alone and let them miss you. If you give them tonnes of space it will reflect well on you because you've respected their decision to split. Their "rebound" is more likely to fail if you make yourself extremely scarce.

 

"No contact works."

 

- In so many ways, on so many levels, NC is the cure all. Don't be fooled into thinking that your relationship was somehow unique. People are mostly predictable in behaviour, psychology exists for a reason. In all the time I've been on ENA the same break up factors come up time and time again - even with my break up, there are frighteningly similar circumstances to the vast majority of cases. So what to do now? Get a plan, go no contact, no exceptions, no excuses, be strong, be happy, accept that it's over, let it go, realise that it will take months to heal, live life again, do plenty of "stuff" to improve yourself, love yourself again, move on.

[canali]

and to realize that despite our best efforts relationships are a precious mix: sometimes out of our control, ie, changes in the other person, timing of goals etc.

 

This prayer below is still a classic, isn't it...even talks of one day at a time too, not being too future focused.

 

One last thing I've also learned: is that even in the future there will be bustups, too...so to try to NOT buy in once more to ''is this ''the one'' ''? dreaminess...

 

don't get me wrong: i'm as romantic as the next person, but life is full of lessons and relationships are about change, timing, chemistry and a whole host of other things that sometimes we cannot control either as below.

(though it talks of God, heck even a 'higher power' can be such, too...but even he talks of ''one day at a time.''

 

while I'm not THAT religious even substituting God for a 'Higher power'' or the as Disiderata said of ''the universe unfolding as it should'' ...you get the point.

 

'God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

 

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.'

[atelis]

one of the things i've learned is that love is not easy. a lot of my friends have told me that love and relationships should be easy when you meet the right person, but when i look at my friends who tell me that, i see two people who are in co-dependent relationships.

 

I will quote David Richo;

 

"Love is not a feeling but a choice, a commitment to show

unconditional positive regard in five major ways: attention, appreciation

physical affection, acceptance of the other as he is and is becoming, and

allowing the other freedom to act in accord with who he/she is or is becoming"

 

For me, this has been an awakening in many ways. I was always too caught up in the feeling of love. If i didn't get the heady rush of chemicals throwing my senses into a spin, i felt i wasn't in love. I know this was a mistake. I know that love is not the hollywood notion of romantic love which is now chased by our society with such fervent vigour and responsible for so many of the divorces we now see...........'i just fell out of love with him or her'.

[waveseer]

Both of these (bolded) at the same time is pure heaven on earth.

[atelis]

I thought this was worth posting. Again i quote from David Richo. Very wise words i feel.

 

 

".......Freedom is the ability and the right to choose. Control takes over that

right and denies that ability. When we control someone we are not loving

him/her. We have omitted the allowing and acceptance elements of

mirroring. We fear letting the other be who he really is.

 

To control is to make someone over in our own image and that selfmirrored

projection is then what we love, not the true other as he is. Perhaps

most of us achieve only loving moments—special times when we dare to show

attention, acceptance, affection, and allowing in an unconditional way.

Love only happens when we let go of control and the fear behind it. In

spiritual love, we go one step further and mirror to others the higher power

of the heart: unconditional and universal love, perennial wisdom, and

healing. Control gives way to letting be; knowing what is best for others gives

way to respect for their choices; and making-over gives way to genuine

curiosity about their surprising uniqueness. Can I risk that?

 

Love can also be mistaken for clinging that is welcomed by the other,

for sexual desire that is satisfied by the other, or for neediness that is

fulfilled by the other. Love can even be mistaken for dependency, surrender,

conquest, submission, dominance, approval, gratification, fascination,

addiction, etc. Thus: I can feel that I love you because you love me, or will

not leave me, or will not let me feel lonely, or let me feel anything! I hear

myself saying: “I love you” to the person who meets any or all of these

wishes. I may simply mean: I am attached to you and it feels good!

In real love, I love you even when you do not fulfill me. My love can

survive the periods when you have nothing to give.

 

Love is not simply a satisfaction of my own neediness but a commitment to giving and receiving. It is only in the context of such fearless gift-giving that the grace of real love is mutually mirrored and generously risked"

[Real]

I actually was going to start a thread until I read this one... Healing is definitely not black and white or lineal.. It comes in so many varieties.. It may take years for some people, but you just have to be strong and keep living your life for REAL. The worst thing in my opinion to do is suppress your feeling or emotions, let it out when you can.. Don't worry too much about what your friends may think, those who really care will understand and know you are in pain and lend a shoulder. I personally will not lie, I'm still in love with my ex and the pain of the breakup is still there and it's been more than a year now. But I know that I must keep on living and not dwell greatly on the past... This of course is easier said than done. I also don't believe in that fate stuff, well at least not all the time. You have to make your own decisions in life and make things happen as best as you can.. You can't just wait and sit on your booty and think things will happen or just fall in your lap. You have to make yourself better, get out there and have fun... or try an fix what's broken if it can be fixed... Those who say time heal all wounds are right, but the lenght of time varies greatly... Everyone here is giving each other encouraging advice, but the real reality is that we haven't truly found a sure fire way to move forward or heal... ortherwise we most likely wouldn't be here on this forum giving advice or looking for advice... The best advice I have and that I need to follow is to just do it (like NIKE) and continue living...lol again it's easier said than done.

[waveseer]

This is very wise. A friend recently laid her daughter to rest and I asked her how she's doing. She said, "I am doing what I need to do to survive and it keeps me busy enough not to feel sad every single minute."

[cl76]

I want to reiterate that happiness will cure all wounds, but it will not remove the scars (nor should it).

 

I hope this makes sense.

[aglaia]

and happiness comes from so many areas, from within ourselves, from the things we engage ourselves in, from the people who truly care about us like our friends and family.

 

If we really look inward, we will see our heart has a great capacity to love and experience joy and happiness. Even though someone left us, it doesn't mean we're broken.

 

Just reading this thread this morning has lifted my heart and made me smile. I'm so glad for all the support of you lovely people

[Real]

This is very wise. A friend recently laid her daughter to rest and I asked her how she's doing. She said, "I am doing what I need to do to survive and it keeps me busy enough not to feel sad every single minute."

 

I actually have been lurking on this site and many other sites for more than a year and i must confess, your post have help me greatly. You are wise and kind, well at least on here...LOL you never know who is who by reading things online.. but nevertheless, the thoughts that i've read that you have posted have been helpful and I just want to say thank you, even though your post in the past weren't to me.. I'm still going through my healing and I admitted to myself that it will take a long time and not to rush it. I mean 10yr friendship and 5yr relationship with the only girlfriend you've ever had is not something you forget that easily and just push to the back of your mind... I have to just be real with myself and admit my pain and then deal with it, just like your friend. By the way sorry to hear about your friends loss. Her pain has to be tremendous... Losing a child is the hardest thing. No parent wants their child to go before them..

[waveseer]

You are very welcome, I'm glad when anything I've been through can help someone. It proves that there's a purpose for everything. Yes, it's tremendously difficult to lose a child, even in my friend's case where she is 80 and her daughter was in her late 40's.

[canali]

I realize that I don't even want to think of that concept any longer as it still ties me emotionally to her to 'us'....now is the time for me and making new friends, discovering my strengths, new hobbies, etc.

 

This excerpt below by Kate Hudson on this very topic:

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below a much more insightful article examing ''why'' we may want to be friends and 'how' to do it ...hmmm fodder for thought.

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and related to this above a similar blog below:

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would enjoy hearing thoughts from people who struggled with this and for how long it took them to rehook up and let their pride/egos go...but again for now I have decided not to even go there. ...keeps me looking BACKWARDS not FORWARDS

[untouchable]

The way I see it is maybe the thing to remember is that the dumper could have been moved on from wanting to be with you still during the relationship. I have this feeling like my ex had been moved on for a couple months but it took her a bit to get up the courage to do it. Of course I was devasted destroyed for 3 months after the breakup.

 

I kept in LC with her which was a huge mistake. I did everything I could think of to convince her to change her mind. Nothing has changed and she will only change her mind on her own. People I think are hurt when the dumper has moved on before us. That’s how I feel. I have realized that since it’s been 3 months since the break up, it could feel like we have been broken up for 6 months for her. That is a huge time difference.

 

I just wanted to get other peoples perspective on this situation, and if anyone is out there that is going through the same thing, maybe I shed some light on thinking outside the box for a second.