acceptance and letting go: not a simple black and white process is it?

[canali]

acceptance and letting go: not a simple black and white process is it?

 

just having difficulty with my gig, especially what happened yesterday.

 

like we all know: don't think of the past (as it IS past and our selective memory kicks in) and don't fear the future or what could have been as it's all speculative (obviously given the gig is no longer valid).

 

just trying to get my footing back.

 

i would love to hear from people who have really accepted things and moved on and how they cope and what new growth they experienced as a result.

[IMAbadman]

Nope far from it.

[Anusha]

Im looking for the same too

[device04]

I think, and I'm still having a lot of trouble firmly grasping this concept, it is about becoming truly excited about the future. About taking each day as it comes and really looking forward to the new, different future that awaits. With the end of a relationship comes the end of all the dreams and plans we made, and it's about replacing those dead dreams with new ones. But no, it's not so black and white and it's not easy. I still struggle each day, but I know that with each passing day, I get closer to the day when I will be happy, complete, and content with me again, and I will be truly ready for all that awaits.

[canali]

i wonder:

do we needlessly delay things by processing things TOO long, by ruminating on the 'what if...if only...' speculations TOO long...like when do you try to really DROP IT poop and get off of the pot and then get back out there again?

 

I sometimes think we're our own worst enemies...by dating we think of the other too much (and don't allow for what might be a nice relationship in a DIFFERENT WAY WITH LOVE with this new potential.

 

heck if our exes can do it why not us?

 

look at how IMO both sides (dumpee vs dumper) operate and think of the past, present and future for example:

 

WE have taken memories of happier times/situations/feelings and projected them into the future right? (and remain stuck on those)...we forget the crap times or not as much and give a larger imbalance to the good over the bad .

 

VS

 

the ex has done largely the OPPOSITE: they've taken some bad memories/situations/feelings and projected THEM into the FUTURE and remain stuck on those... (but also not keeping the balance of good)...or felt a bigger imbalance between bad to good memories.

[IMAbadman]

Yes... we are our own worst enemies. We rely on hope instead of action. We look for the handout, the easy way.

 

Never invest more than 25% of your time hoping. Every hear that little ditty about putting your fruitful hopes in one hand and $hit in the other to see which hand fills first…?

[Foreverxo]

My ex has continued to act very immature since he dumped me. He over exaggerated my flaws and made them known to the public using the sympathy card. So I guess he remembers the bad times. I however still talk about him with the upmost respect and dwell on the good times we shared. Seems like I should be the one "bashing" him. But I guess I get closure in his actions. I loved him more than anyone could ever and for him to break up with me for some girl and then talk about me in such a manner,while I just took it and never said a word proved how strong a person I am. It also proved how caring I was and still am. The new things I learned about myself helped me cope. I booked many different fun and crazy things to do to help me cope and live for myself for once. I went skydiving and got a new small tattoo. Ahhh living for myself again!

[ellandroader]

I think, and I'm still having a lot of trouble firmly grasping this concept, it is about becoming truly excited about the future. About taking each day as it comes and really looking forward to the new, different future that awaits. With the end of a relationship comes the end of all the dreams and plans we made, and it's about replacing those dead dreams with new ones. But no, it's not so black and white and it's not easy. I still struggle each day, but I know that with each passing day, I get closer to the day when I will be happy, complete, and content with me again, and I will be truly ready for all that awaits.

 

I wanted to add to this thread but I am feeling so flat right now. But this is the attitude I am trying to adopt and aim for. Good post

[WomanWriter]

I wanted to add to this thread but I am feeling so flat right now. But this is the attitude I am trying to adopt and aim for. Good post

 

 

I feel you there Dan! We are in the same boat but we know it will pass even though it sure doesn't feel like it and you know that's the truth.

 

I agree that getting excited about the future would be the KEY to helping us get over our last gig...but the hard part is, how do we do it?

 

I've seriously been making an effort to do new things, focus on new goals, etc. It's good to a point, but at the end of the day I'm still left without him. The future doesn't seem exciting enough to compare to what I had before and I think that's why I'm starting to get more depressed.

 

My mom and dad are both not in very good health and my grandma is really old...so I feel like I only have more lonliness and loss to look forward to instead of regrouping.

 

I don't see a lot of good hope for my future career either. I am (or was) a first year teacher but I got laid off and so did 26 other teachers just from my town alone (and those were only K-3 teachers). I'm reluctant to move too since I don't have tenure. I don't even think I want to teach anymore since they are going to be enlarging class sizes. I really don't want to teach anymore at all the way things are going.

 

I WANT to write...and I find small gigs here and there but I don't know how I can make a living off writing and still be able to have financial freedom. My Unemployment insurance lasts until Sept but will be gone before I know it. I look for jobs every day and only get called to interviews about once a month, and then I never get the job because I don't have enough experience compared to others out there.

 

I just feel very stuck. I WANT to be excited about the future. How can we be excited about it? I made a list of all the things I want to do before I die and the list was over 3 pages long. I even made a list of things I want to do this year, this week, etc. I started doing some of the things on the list and it is mildly amusing to accomplish some goals but there is still that feeling of emptiness like even though I am enjoying hobbies, etc. it's not enough.

 

I miss the comfort of my ex's arms cradling me from behind, his reassuring smile when I was afraid to go for an interview, his hand through my hair, his sweet voice on the phone, joke emails, going for a ride in the car together, just little things that are now gone. Tonight I looked at the sunset and felt super sad. We both loved watching the sun set by the river. We'd park the car and watch it while listening to the radio (and making out). But lately all I remember is him dozing off from being so stressed/tired. I'd be watching the sunset alone.

 

How have other people gotten themselves excited about the future? Especially if they feel there is pain up ahead (like with my parents' poor health)

[canali]

Hugs for everyone! Our loneliness really got get both relieved as well as reinforced on here doesn't it at times...wish we could all BE together and hang out doing things together getting TLC instead of this way.

Ww many many hugs baby! Your plight just makes me feel * * * * ty and ineffectual that I can't do anything.(sigh !)

[device04]

WW, I am so sorry to hear of your current situation. It seems when it rains, it pours. I can relate to you as my so-called future doesn't look all that great, not that we're trying to have a competition or anything.

 

I have been living abroad for the past year, but am returning to the US next month. I have no job lined up, no admits from any business schools I've applied to, and no leads for what's to come next in my life. All I know is I fly home to my parents' place on May 20th, and then my life becomes a one-man show. None of my old friends from home live near our town any more, I have friends who live in the city but that's an hour away, and they all work. So, that should prove exceptionally interesting, all on its own.

 

Before moving abroad, I worked in the financial sector, but we all know what's happened there in the past year, so probably not going to be easy if I want to get back into that line of work; but I don't, and I have no idea what I'd like to do from here. So, just another dead end for me to stare at.

 

I have tried to look on the bright side, to all the possibilities that are, supposedly, out there for me, but like WW it's been hard, knowing how bad the economy is right now and the uncertainty of my academic future. I have also tried to just enjoy my remaining time here with my extended family and friends, but even that has proven extremely difficult as everywhere I go, I am reminded of my ex. In the end, I just spend most days at home, just trying to get through this last month. In some ways I want so badly to be able to just leave this place where all my memories and reminders of the ex exist, but in other ways, I am reluctant to leave this place for somewhere that holds no answers to all the questions in my life.

 

It's a long road back, and I too, wish I knew how to become excited about the future, how to be positive about the future. To WomanWriter, Ellandroader, Canali, and everyone on here, keep pushing forward, keep striving for tomorrow, I know that we will ALL make it through this tough time, no matter how long or hard, and that it will be worth it in the end. We will look back on this time someday, laugh and be amazed at how far we've progressed and how strong we've become. It's a shame we can't be more than just an online support group, but hey, I'd rather this than nothing at all.

[waveseer]

My ability to accept is heavily dependent on how widely I perceive my range of equivalent or better alternatives.

[canali]

good one...and that ability to perceive IMO is also related to having some perspective, ie, being able to find space away from it...so we can see alternatives..

 

hence my thread below...

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=283117

 

it ties in directly to this reply below at bottom from the previous poster.

 

folks life is tough right?! but sometimes the CHOICES / METHODS of healing we make also really determine how well we get back on the road.

 

I would rather be angry and have a ''f...k you!'' attitude towards my ex, for instance, than 'life sucks, woe is me' (I've done this too long).

 

I thought before of how my ex gave me a 'gift' in what happened?..what BS!

I gave MYSELF the gift and am still doing so...NOT my ex..ME!

 

 

 

My ability to accept is heavily dependent on how widely I perceive my range of equivalent or better alternatives.

[canali]

love this quote:

 

"Pain Is Inevitable, Suffering Is Optional"

(related to my other thread on developing more

emotional resiliency)

 

just came accross this saying above (going to make it my first tattoo)

about encountering pain is one thing but it is the way we deal with it,

work with it, the CHOICES we make that determine how long it remains.

I'm tired of the 'woe is me' man for myself.

[atelis]

acceptance and letting go is always the hardest thing for me and it is the difference between those who can move on a lot quicker with their lives and those who can't.

 

Those of us who find it difficult to reach acceptance and let things go are basically gripped by fear, fear of what life will have install for us. We typically try to control outcomes in our lives and we find it difficult to just let life deal us our cards. This is why acceptance and letting go is so hard for us.

 

I am in therapy at the moment and one of the issues i'm trying to address in myself is that of acceptance and letting go.........living each day in the moment and no worrying about the past or the future and not living with the fear that makes me want to control outcomes in my life.

 

It is a very difficult process, but i don't want to live with fear anymore.

[canali]

I totally hear you atelis:

 

...fear...

 

for sure at the roots of alot of our anxiety and depression...but alot of it does NOT yet exist either.

 

I mean by examining them you realize alot of them are just hypotheticals: being rejected and being alone forever OR will never have that sort of a connection as you had with your ex: crystal ball reading, idealization,

...every love will be different...and we will find love in the future provided you create plans to DO something and go after it.

 

I often feel lonely and can SO easily just sit my ass in the sofa and read..OR I will walk the same walk each day along the ocean (hey it is lovely ...can beat that!)...but when I was in CBT I was told to try 1-2x er week to start to engage in ''uncertain'' situations...ie, a new walk, or attend that social function..or whatever...and it's true: the ''reality'' we have in our mind SO often don't mesh with what is out there...that is why IMO it's important to remember that confidence always COMES AFTER the act...never before it....man if we all wait 'til we're confident, we'll be dead and life will have passed up by.

 

So this is why I am in my ''assertive'' mood as per my recent threads today on building more emotional resiliency/power etc: I want to re-allign my own ''neural pathways'' to start taking more risks.

 

*******You know there is so much about NC...let's put it in perspective: NC won't matter squat unless we really put fires under our butts to get out there face down our dragons, our fears and TAKE SOME CHANCES...sure there will be duds and less than stellar experiences when you try things (but even with your ex things weren't 100% ''right on!'' either were they?....*********

 

Who here is for creating a thread on a ''weekly challenge'' we can all continue to add to and update as per trying something new, sharing the feelings and adding support? I mean we all b..ch to death on here and there are NC challenges all over...but what about something else...I know I tried a few weeks back but got a less than enthusiastic response....

Why? 'cause it's scary..it challenges us....and if you're scared that is OK..baby steps and that is why I want to create a support group thread.

[Brokelyn]

Woman Writer,

 

I feel more and more parallels with you the more I read your posts. This thread also hit the nail on the head for me about why I have had a relapse of sadness lately, since it has been a little over a year since the breakup and ten months NC. I, too, am in a bleak situation about my future.

 

I need to give a little background to get you up to speed. I am also a teacher and I was working with my ex at the same school at the time of the breakup. I had been at the job for 8 years, been with my ex for 3, had lots of friends at work, a great apartment and a car I loved. Sure, I had unfulfilled areas of my life but we tell ourselves we will figure that out one day. When my ex left me, it was a total shock; I was devastated. Over the next month, I learned more and more about the real reasons for the breakup and became more and more devastated. Shortly after that, I got into a terrible accident and my car was totalled (I also went to the ER). I kept getting ill and lost a bunch of weight. I couldn't bear to look at my apartment anymore because of all the memories it held. I couldn't find solace at work either because I had to see him everyday (NC was not an option).

 

So, I left my job at the end of the school year, moved to a new city, and started teaching at a new school in the city. I joined a writers' group, started going to therapy, and had plans of going back to school. My future was looking bright and I was so proud of myself for accomplishing so much in such a small amount of time when I could barely get up in the morning. It just seemed meant to be.

 

Fast forward to now. I have very few friends here. I hate my job; I almost quit in January with no other job just because I couldn't bear it anymore. I have become totally turned off to teaching and want to change careers, but this is the hardest time to do so. My job, too, needs to lay off a bunch of teachers at the end of this school year which is scary for many reasons. I started searching jobs again with the hopes of finding some publishing/writing/editing jobs, but the only thing I seem qualified to do or can afford to do right now is teach, and I want nothing to do with the profession. I can't imagine even being able to sell myself in an interview because my confidence is so low right now. When I get scared like this, I think of how my ex used pet my head and make me feel like everything would be okay no matter what. He would tell me how wonderful I was until I actually believed it. I try to do this for myself but it just doesn't work, which leaves me feeling emptier.

 

So, I fantasize about the past because I find it impossible to fantasize about the future right now. Even my fantasies are laced with grim realities.

 

Don't get me wrong...I have come a long way in the past year, but life sure hasn't made it easy to heal.

[atelis]

Woman Writer,

 

So, I fantasize about the past because I find it impossible to fantasize about the future right now. Even my fantasies are laced with grim realities.

 

Don't get me wrong...I have come a long way in the past year, but life sure hasn't made it easy to heal.

 

can i suggest something? instead of fantasizing about the past and the future, why not just try living one day at a time and live in the present moment? Don't think past the next few days, unless you have a holiday to look forward to or an event to look forward to. That's what stops us from moving on and healing properly, the thought that we need to control our lives somehow by trying to foresee or predict what life will have install for us in the future.

 

Similarly, by reflecting on the past, we close ourselves up by using the past to guard us against any decisions we make in the future.

[John Bendix]

There is a lot of wisdom in these posts.

 

The past is merely an image called up from the memory bank of our minds. The future is also an image projecting what COULD happen. They are both equally unreal. They should be recognized and used for what they are, images. The past can be called up as a search for identity and we can base our identity on the outcome of our projected future. Both dysfunctional processes.

 

Images that can provoke emotional reactions just as if they are real. Emotional reactions that can cause (in feedback) additional thoughts along the same lines to re-induce additional feeling and so on. It becomes a cycle or loop.

 

While concentrating our efforts in these two unreal realms, the present moment escapes us. Since the present moment is the only time that we can effectively make change, very little or nothing substantial can happen.

 

When the present moment seems undesirable, we now run (by years of practice), to seek salvation in the future or search for our identity in the past image of ourselves.

 

When we accept things as they are right now (could they be otherwise?), we can see the past and the future as merely images and the emotional reactions to both begins to subside. We have then begun to teach ourselves to live in the present moment, accept what is, and see through our dysfunctional view of these imaginary realms.

[cl76]

I'm going to break the streak of melancholic responses by saying that I have conquered the pain from my break up. Yes, only six weeks after the fact, I am feeling and looking great. Better than ever.

 

After the event, say two weeks or so later, I refused to be down and depressed anymore. I got off my sorry ass and chose to DO SOMETHING about it.

 

Anybody who's followed any of my posts will know that I started exercising every day, went on a good diet, read books about relationships, kept a diary, went on dates, bought all new clothes, caught up with old friends and I'm going on a holiday etc. etc. Basically doing all the stuff I've always wanted to do before but was procrastinating. Instead of being down about it, I'm having a great time with my new found freedom.

 

Essentially I've worked my ass off in the last month improving myself to become the best person I can be. Now, I look back on the past and think yes, I have learnt much and grown exponentially because of it. I thank my ex for giving me the motivation to become a better person. I don't hate her, I don't blame her, I just accept that it's over and I've got to move on one day at a time. Your only other choice is dwell in limbo crying over the loss like so many people on ENA seem to be doing - despite all the fantastic advice out there.

 

Of course this is not easy to do: to realise that you have the power to control your actions. You cannot control anything or anyone else, you can't make your ex take you back but you can certainly relinquish the power and control they have over you by simply letting go of them.

 

Six weeks later I almost don't care about reconciling. I still do think about her, sometimes I even miss her. But you know it simply doesn't hurt anymore. I have so much stuff to look forward to, so much more I want to achieve... The plans I have, they could involve reconciling or they could not. Either way it does not matter because I am able to love myself again and move on. I am in a WIN-WIN situation.

 

The best part is that I am having a ball meeting new women. The excitement of being with a new person is so good, it cures the heart ache so easily and it takes my mind off my ex (in fact all my new goals take my mind off my ex and I have become quite "results orientated" because of these goals). I am liking the prospect of being with someone I've recently met, while almost dreading the thought of breaking NC with my ex. It is so possible to have those feelings like you had with you ex with a new person - you're lying to yourself if you think nobody else can compare.

 

I'm not going to try convince anyone that anything I've said is true. You have to get there on your own to know what it feels like. I am pretty close to entering the light at the end of the tunnel. Almost out of the woods as they would say. If you want to find your way out of dumpsville too then I suggest you make a plan and stick to it. If you don't, if you just hope time will cure you, then you will be waiting a long, long time before that happens. If you become pro active in your recovery you will heal much faster. Don't waste time, you could be out there having the best time of your life, possibly with someone new...

 

And even if you haven't met (or aren't ready to meet) a new love interest, simply being happy again will attract more happiness... It may even win back the love of your ex.

[canali]

congrats !!! wonderful to hear!

 

I hope to eventually get there too...right now just have to cut off all hopes, etc and focus on me

[cl76]

It's funny you know... At first my motivation was to win back my ex at all costs. I couldn't stand the thought of losing her.

 

As I travelled along the road to recovery, it became obvious to me that everything I was doing was not about her, but about me. New travels and experience abound, and with each day comes new opportunity. I can't help becoming lost and immersed in new adventures.

 

Thus the only thing that is black and white to me is the distant memory of my ex. When I think about her, I remember only the good things, the cherished memories of a person that died a long time ago.

[journeynow]

It's a moment to moment thing, acceptance. Helps if I just "Be Here Now." Breathe. Think less, breathe more. And do one small thing, one step at a time.

 

Learning to think of everyday as an experiment.

 

We are all learning as we go.

 

 

 

 

 

acceptance and letting go: not a simple black and white process is it?

 

just having difficulty with my gig, especially what happened yesterday.

 

like we all know: don't think of the past (as it IS past and our selective memory kicks in) and don't fear the future or what could have been as it's all speculative (obviously given the gig is no longer valid).

 

just trying to get my footing back.

 

i would love to hear from people who have really accepted things and moved on and how they cope and what new growth they experienced as a result.

[canali]

pithily said: ''breathe, think less, breathe...''

 

we do tend to overthink things too often, don't we esp in emotionally volatile issues.

 

thanks!

 

It's a moment to moment thing, acceptance. Helps if I just "Be Here Now." Breathe. Think less, breathe more. And do one small thing, one step at a time.

 

Learning to think of everyday as an experiment.

 

We are all learning as we go.

[createhappiness]

cl76 - i couldn't add much more to this. inspirational!