Yelled at my son this morning:(

[Robert013]

I am a single Father to an 8 year old boy. He stays with me 3-4 nights a week and with his mother the other nights. He is a good kid and we get along very well. We do things together that his mother does not do with him. We go to the park. Play sports and go to the local y to play raquetball and swim. I was his flag football coach. When he is with his mother he spends most of his time at a diner that her and her husband own.

 

The problem is he doesn't really get to spend any quality time with his mother because she is always working. She never seems to have time for him and is always tired. She is constantly forgetting to do the everyday things for him. She forgets to bring his school bag at least once a week. She never has him dressed properly for the weather. He shows up hungry. I bought him 3 spring jackets already this year and his mother has them all because she forgets to send him back with a jacket. These types of things have been going on ever since he was an infant. I have discussed this with her but nothing ever changes. I am frustratted.

 

This morning my son didn't have a jacket or his school bag. I tried to contact his mother and didn't receive an answer. I made our son a bagel for breakfast. He dropped it on his school clothes so I asked him to change. No big deal it happens. So I make another bagel for him and he did it again. Dropped his bagel on his school clothes.

 

I don't know why? I just yelled at him asking him why he keeps dropping bagels on himself and the floor. I also mensioned it was going to make me late for work. Witch is not his fault but I said it. I know it has nothing to do with him but I know it hurt his feelings. I released my frustrasions with his mother onto him. I usually release all of the problems with his mother through exercise, but I wasn't able to do much this weekend. I just feel bad about it. I hate dropping him off at school without a school bag and I think he is tired of explaining to his teacher why he doesn't have it.

 

I have no control of my situation. NO matter what I say or try to do about it his mother never changes. I am stuck..I have talked with the counselors at his school about what he and I are going through and they are on my side. From what he tells them he is not happy when he is with his mother. I am also not happy with his mother and I took it out on my son..

[rocio]

So he knows you're human now. It's okay. Apologise to him when he gets home.

 

Can you enroll him in some classes or sports clubs during the evenings that he's with his mom? She may appreciate it if she's so busy and he would probably enjoy that more than sitting in a diner. Say that it's the only night this class is offered, so she doesn't become offended.

[headhoncho]

You need to stop trying to control the mother, she is not likely to change. Her lack of nurturing will catch up with her later

 

When you feed him, buy him jackets, lunch boxes, etc and show him love, he will look forward to being with the best dad in the world.

 

We all get mad and frustrated and I know that you feel bad. The best thing to do is to say to him, "you know, daddy is frustrated and human and is so sorry for hurting your feelings this morning, I know you didn't mean it to keep on dropping the bagel." "I am sorry I raised my voice at you." Make it up to him, play ball, listen to music together and start fresh. When I get frustrated, sometimes I get upset, breathe and say nothing... it helps.

Best of luck.

[Robert013]

So he knows you're human now. It's okay. Apologise to him when he gets home.

 

Can you enroll him in some classes or sports clubs during the evenings that he's with his mom? She may appreciate it if she's so busy and he would probably enjoy that more than sitting in a diner. Say that it's the only night this class is offered, so she doesn't become offended.

 

I already do this and it helps him. He is in a indoor soccer league. He does basketball in the winter. Flag football in the summer. I have him in everything it seems. I am the one who signs him up and I take him to practices and the games. It is when she has him for the weekend that it is a real problem. He will sit in the diner all weekend long or be left with a babbysitter who is not suited for the job. She is constantly forgetting his things and somethings she does are on the borderline of neglect..

 

I already apologised to him, but I will do it again on wednesday.

[FarthestEdge]

So he knows you're human now. It's okay. Apologise to him when he gets home.

 

I agree with this. None of us feel good when we yell at our kids, but I'd say that 99.9999999% of us do it from time-to-time.

 

Personally, I think it's important for kids to understand that parents are not perfect, and it's ok to make mistakes, be human. What's important is that you recognize it, apologize to anyone you may have hurt and try to avoid it in the future....And then, when you've done what you can to address it, you need to be able to forgive yourself, and move on.

 

So you show him this by your example. Be sincere, apologise and let it go.

 

You're not going to irreparably damage him by yelling at him once. Sounds to me like you're the stable force in his life.

 

So forgive yourself- it's not that big of a deal.

[Gratsy]

It sounds to me like you are a good Dad, so I don't see a huge problem. YOu can't control the mom, you can only control what you do and to me it seems like you are doing a good job...you're not perfect, no one is. Raising a kid is t ough stuff. You can't expect yourself to be perfect.

[lavenderdove]

Try to make this a practical problem rather than an emotional one.

 

For example, if he keeps dropping bagels on his clothes, then cut them up into quarters or eigths instead of in half so he is less like to juggle and drop them.

 

If he is dropping them because he is not paying attention due to reading or watching TV while eating, then don't let him read or eat while watching TV.

 

And if he drops the bagel the 2nd time and you'll be late for work, tell him to get a cloth and clean himself up rather than changing his clothes and making him another bagel, and make him wear the clothes he messed up all day.. it won't kill him and might teach him to be more careful when he eats.

 

Look at each of your problems this way. What can you do to mitigate it?

 

And at eight, your son is old enough to remember to bring his own jacket or book bag. If you know he is coming, call him on the phone before he leaves your wife's place and remind him to bring his bag and a jacket. He's not a baby, and certainly at 8 should remember those things himself, and be accountable to remember those things himself. If he doesn't bring a jacket or his book bag, don't rush in to 'fix' that for him because he needs to start learning responsibility for things like that at his age.

 

Many parents who divorce or aren't together end up babying their kids too much out of guilt or trying to win their approval. Figure out what your son should be able to do for himself at 8, and make sure he does it, or you'll be raising a spoiled and irresponsible child. At his age, you shouldn't be pampering him like he's a toddler, then blaming his mother. His mother may not be the greatest, but everything you described here in this post as being her fault, a kid his age should be able to handle himself and know better and do it.

 

When i was 8, if i dropped a bagel on myself twice (even once), my mother would have been annoyed and rightly so. I would have just gotten up from the table, gotten a clothe, and washed the creamcheese off myself and changed. And i wouldn't have had my father making me the bagel, i'd have done it myself. Your son is old enough to take on simple self care like that, repair any damage he does to himself for simple things, and should be doing it.

[Robert013]

I have given him some resposability. I tell him to bring a jacket and his bookbag when he is going to come over. He is getting better at it. He has other responsabilities as well that he is doing okay with. Cleaning his room, feeding the rabbit and cleaning its cage. He really doesn't have a problem with dropping things I just overreacted. He changed his clothes the first time and cleaned the second pair of clothes.

[KG]

Roberto,

As a single Dad I can tell you are doing your best....good for you. It's tough to juggle so much, and his Mother isn't helping things. As a previous poster said, you showed you are human.....big hug when he gets home!

[lavenderdove]

Just recognize you are human too.... there are going to be times with children when your patience is tried to the max... it is just the nature of raising children.

 

But you should try to avoid immediately going into hating his mother or resenting her everytime you have a bad moment. She will become a lightning rod for your own stress, and that doesn't help you or your son. Just try to put things into perspective, and not get into blaming when it is what it is and that will only stir you up and make you angrier.

 

You are doing a good job raising your son, and just put the focus on finding practical solutions that solve the problem and reduce stress rather than trying to blame yourself or your ex whenever things get stressful. Hanging onto anger/rage in those circumstances just makes the anger worse.