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i do not know how to began. my heart is at grief, grief of a lost. lost of a broken relationship. i do not understand the cause, neither do i comprehend the outcome. perhaps whatever that happened was foreordained, and what happens to a person was also foreknown. it is futile arguing with god about your fate.


why did i even bother thinking about her? was she worth that much? for someone who flee at every conflict, was i not man enough to make her stay? perhaps it is better this way, she who did not cherish is not meant to be... yet why did the heart long for her?


some say all i need is time to heal, some say i need to go easy on myself, some say i need to relax and look for new friends, some say all i need is to start to date.


but i am not ready. i am not ready to receive another. i am afraid that whatever i do is futile. i am afraid of conflict. i am afraid of being angry. whatever i say, however i react, no matter what i do, when there is a conflict, hurt people always hurting.


maybe i should just lay low for a while more..

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is this a depression? is this escaping of reality? i can take on extensive work project. i can handle pressure, and perform. i can stand in front of the stage with no fear. once it comes to exams it weakens my knees. it speeds up my heartbeat and it cripples my thoughts. yes, i am afraid. i am so afraid. my anxiety is going over the roof. i need to concentrate. i need to find a way to turn anxiety into motivation. 1 more day to exam. i need to clear this. i need to clear this well...

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Lying on my bed I couldn't sleep. So I play my favorite album on my iPod. Somehow the songs made me reminded of her. I miss her. The music made me feel as if she is just beside me in my arms. Is that the power of music? Able to draw memories so deep that were almost forgotten? I realize I really miss her. If only I could turn back time and do it again... Perhaps things would be different. Perhaps whatever happened happen for a reason..

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