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An Impossible Decision...?


Volition

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This has been tearing me up lately and I need to get some anonymous opinions...

 

I met a girl almost a year ago through some amazing circumstances. I was traveling around the world and on my last day in her country we had what could only be called "a moment". Complete connection of our hearts. We had been great friends for 2 weeks but now I knew there was something deeper.

 

For the next half a year we talked a ridiculous amount on the phone. 2+ hours just about every single day, sometimes much more. Our relationship continued to grow and I made plans to return and be with her. There was no doubt in my mind that she loved me, and I quickly felt the same way.

 

I admit that I was extremely over confident in my ability to stay in her country forever. She is very poor and I am middle class. (Rich in her country) I am a very skeptical person and never for a moment have I thought that she was just trying to get my money. (Figured I should get that out of the way)

 

So time comes and I leave my country to be with her. I arrive and things are amazing. 1000x better than I ever could have imagined. But I am a foreigner and could never become a part of this society. My family and friends miss me tremendously. I run a company online that I earn money with but my ability to do so has been hindered since coming here. I overestimated and underthought a lot of important aspects to being with her. I have made huge investments both emotionally and financially to be here.

 

Needless to say I still love her and she still loves me. I'd like to try and bring her back to the USA but she says its just not possible. Not only because she doesnt want to leave her family, but also because of the difficulties for a poor foreign person to come here. She also doesnt know what she would do as a career if she came.

 

This has made the last month filled with many difficult nights where we talk about these things. I feel lost in all of this. I have no clue what I should do. Leaving her would be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I dont know if I could really stay here forever. If I cant, I dont know how long this should continue.

 

I'm eager to hear what others think about this situation. Thanks in advance

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We are both 24. Shes Chinese. The hard part would be getting her into the USA in the first place to marry her. If I marry her outside the US there is a ton of requirements that can take years to complete for her to become a citizen, and what do we do/where do we live during this time?

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Hi and welcome to ENA

I am in a somewhat similar situation. Moving to a different country is VERY difficult, do you speak the language at all?

 

The only way around it is to figure out what truly matters to you and find ways around it. You'll possibly miss out on something and that's ok as long as it's not the most important thing to you.

 

You could eventually not feel so foreign there but you'd have to make an effort understanding their culture, do some backround research, monitor their behaviour and in general be very open and observant (I speak from experience, I lived in the UK for 9 years)

 

 

You need to think practically about stuff and find creative solutions..

 

In what way is you staying there hindering your ability to make good money with your job? Can you improve that somehow? Maybe it's ok to make a bit less money as long as you're with your lady.

About her: What does she want to do careerwise? How can she go about it here or there?

 

Above all try and put to the side the pressure/drama you might be feeling and look at the situation pragmatically as if it's someone else's situation. Write down ALL possible solutions even if you're gonna dismiss them.

 

I hope I help a bit

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This is very hard (I've been through it) but it is possible. She can try to get a student or work visa for companies that are looking for foreign workers (this will mean she will get transferred to a seemingly random state). I don't know how hard it is to get a Visa in China but if it's as hard as it was for my family, it will take years.

 

I guess your decision is, are you willing to invest many years (and dollars) in trying to get her over here, or will it be easier for you to forget about her, move on with your life. Also, when she gets here, you will be responsible for socializing her and making sure she doesn't feel alienated in this strange new culture. It will be a full time job.

 

If worst comes to worst, she can fly to Mexico, walk into America, then get a marriage license. There are many ways, some more legal than others.

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