How to "defriend"?

[Hemorrhage]

This is going to sound pretty immature and somewhat childish, but please bear with me.

 

I have this friend although I don't really like him as a person or respect him. We met earlier last year, and got along okay because we both shared an interest in politics and in gaming, something not alot of my other friends are interested in. Other than that, we are both very different, and our views clash on alot of subjects. To put it short, he's a conservative God-fearing, small town boy scout, and I'm an agnostic, liberal (socially), long haired heavy metal and motorcycle enthusiast...I'm also very pro gay-rights and the chairman of the Gay-Straight Alliance at my High School.

 

We got along fine until he found out I wasn't really a christian, or interested in the millitary. Slowly, it eventually escalated into an ongoing argument. It wasn't much of an issue at first, but then differences really began showing. We're both very outspoken, and he's not afraid to call someone out with the Bible, and I'm not afraid to talk about religon with open disdain. It has led to more than a few arguements, and I have found myself nearly on the edge of punching him square in the face sometimes. Not only does he call me out on my political and social beliefs, but he will say studd about the music on my iPOD, and expects me to act like I'm his type of Christian even though I'm not by any means. In class, on Friday he was openly talking bad about Mexicans (I know, talk about a hypocrite) while there were very angry Mexican students in the room, needless to say I was highly aggrivated, and called him out about it. He got very defensive needless to say, and said he was only speaking the truth. so I can't call him out on making racist remarks, but he can threaten to smack me for dropping the F bomb infront of a girl who cusses more than the average drunken man? Give me a break.

 

Anyway, I am tired of his bible-banging, boy scout trumpeting, anti-gay, anti-black, anti-hispanic, anti-any race other than white, old school, cocky, judgemental crap. This has gone on longer than it should have and I intend to "de-friend" him as fast as possible.

 

There are things that I'm worried about though: On one hand, I'm basically his only friend. He's very unpopular and is shunned by everyone except partially myself. I have a great group of friends outside of him, and I would feel like a jerk if I just left him out in the cold. On the other hand, we both work together, and I have him, and him alone to thank for getting me this job. I figured if I were to "defriend" him, it could possibly put my job in jeprody, or make me seem ungrateful.

 

But anyway, thanks for listening to my rant, and I would appreciate any advice, or some wisdom.

 

Thanks,

Hemorr

[miracle29]

Whoa...Anti this Anti that..what is he Hitler?

 

I think its very wise you keep it moving and don't look back. You don't owe him anything. You don't have to blow smoke up his butt nor do you have to hang around him if he is this narrowminded. Cut your losses and don't look back, don't pity someone who wont grow up or help themselves.

 

If he says "hey i notice you don't hang with me or this and that..simply say "i'm sorry but we are on different pages and I just don't feel comfortable" short...sweet....bam!

[Samedy]

Most people I've not wanted to be friends with have eventually faded away. It didn't happen through any drama or talks, we just drifted a part due to lack of interest.

 

Have you ever invited this friend of yours to go out with your other friends that run counter to his belief system. If he is anti-gay and racist, he is this way due to ignorance... If he were exposed to these groups more he might lighten up..or he might decide he doesn't want to hang out with you anymore because these other people are so closely associated with you.

[annie24]

yeah, i'd just kind of tell him that you two aren't on the same page. but i might just kind of back the friendship (if you can call it that!) off. you know, don't invite him out, don't eat lunch with him, etc....

[Hemorrhage]

Have you ever invited this friend of yours to go out with your other friends that run counter to his belief system. If he is anti-gay and racist, he is this way due to ignorance... If he were exposed to these groups more he might lighten up..or he might decide he doesn't want to hang out with you anymore because these other people are so closely associated with you.

 

Yes, actually, I have. About a month ago, we both agreed to try something. He would hang out with my friends and I at Buffalo Wild Wings, and I would attend church with him. At Buffalo wild Wings, I had to restrain my friend (who is African-American, and one of the most passive, and disciplined individuals I know) from absolutely tearing him to shreds for making horrifically offensive comments about his race, comments that were so unacceptable that the BWW staff asked him to leave. When I went to church with him, I met some of the most kind people I have ever made acquaintance with, they were nothing like him and treated me with the upmost respect despite Mike (My, er, friend) telling them "Yeah, he's Agnostic" "Yeah, he supports gay marrige".

 

But the general consensus among the the contributors to this thread is to let it fade? Avoid him?

[Samedy]

It sounds like you've tried and given him a chance. If he's going to offend your friends then it would be more in your interest to not be as tight with him; guilty by association.

[jul-els]

Just arrange to incrementally include him in less and less things until he eventually disappears. Don't feel sorry for him. He doesn't deserve it. Maybe losing his only friend will cause him to take a look at his behavior. Maybe not. Either way it won't be your problem.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

There's nothing wrong with his viewpoints. No, I don't agree with them, but I think you both have an ego problem. You can ditch him, but later on in life this problem will come up again. It's okay to care about an issue and fight for it, but you don't need to be in someone's face about it. (Granted I'm sure he is in your face as well.)

 

Take a moment to see things through his perspective. Even if it doesn't help the relationship, it is a good learning exercise. In life, you will meet many people who will disagree with you. And most of them you can't "de-friend". They will be your boss, your father-in-law, your son ... best to learn how to deal with it now. I have gone through this before, and I know that even the most extreme people will agree to keep disagreements safely secured in academic discussions only - no heated arguments. You need to learn how to manage someone you heavily disagree with.

 

Just as you strongly believe in your beliefs, so does he. Why do you expect him to drop what he believes in if you're not willing to do that? (Hint: Nobody is.)

 

It's okay to disagree and be friends.

 

Actually, one of my oldest friends is a very strong Republican. All my other friends (even though I agreed with them about everything) seemed to fade away. My republican friend kept in touch; we would email each other about current events to get each other's opinion. We disagree most of the time, but that's half the fun. You learn about someone else's way of thinking. It's not wrong, its not flawed, its just different. Learn to academically appreciate other points of view. I have to say, our differences are the sole reason we didn't lose touch. This can be a strength in a friendship.

[jul-els]

I must respectfully disagree with you on this, Nkaleidoscopic. There a big difference between having an opposing viewpoint and being racist or socially inappropriate. Co-workers and family members are people someone is stuck with whether they like them or not. Friends are people someone chooses to have in thier company because they enjoy it and find pleasure in doing so. Why choose friends you don't like? Life's too short. Nobody wants a friend who makes life difficult.

[miracle29]

I must respectfully disagree with you on this, Nkaleidoscopic. There a big difference between having an opposing viewpoint and being racist or socially inappropriate. Co-workers and family members are people someone is stuck with whether they like them or not. Friends are people someone chooses to have in thier company because they enjoy it and find pleasure in doing so. Why choose friends you don't like? Life's too short. Nobody wants a friend who makes life difficult.

Yes I have to agree. Not to jump all over you Nkaleidoscopic but think about it...why are people really racist? And how many tv shows have you seen where a person was once racist but than they get exposed to different races and they go "oh man...i have been hating these people and I was wrong". Thats a beautiful thing when a person opens up and grows in spirit and in mind and in their social longevity!

[Hemorrhage]

First of all, I think you're either misjudging me, or misreading my post.

If he wants to believe what he believes, that's fine. If he wants to be a racist, bigoted narrow-minded jerk, then he will have to accept the consequences. I have NEVER tried to change him like he has attempted to try and change me. There is a strong difference between defending my stance and my beliefs than outright bashing someone back and forth. However, I am not going to accept him calling my friends racial slurs, or making absolutely despicable remarks about their sexuality. I simply will not tolerate it. You should never be friends with someone who brings you down and hurts those closest to you.

 

My problem is simply this:

I do not consider myself to be his friend any longer, but the problem is, we see eachother regularly and he's hanging on bell all day. How do I find a nice, peaceful, conflict-free way to disassociate myself from him? He offends my friends, and myself greatly and he puts me in a bad mood. A friend is supposed to be there for you, no matter who you are, all he has done is try to convert me to Christianity using aggressive methods.

 

With all due respect,

Hemorr

[jul-els]

Just become gradually more and more "busy". A good old fashioned brush off.

[miracle29]

The key here is keeping it short an sweet. You don't owe him any explanation. The distancing yourself is explanation enough. But never be cruel. You have the right to choose who you spend your time with and who you feel has a healthy mindstate and healthy friendship for you. DOn't be guilted into being around someone who makes you not even like who you are around them.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

Then ignore him. The more attention you give him the more you encourage his behavior. Seriously, when he's talking to you, look over his shoulder and say hi to someone else etc. Yeah its rude but if you want to defriend someone that's about the easiest way.