Im trying to write something good

[mr me]

I sometimes get tired writing all the negative stuff that i go thru because that in itself can be more depressing. I also then have to try to find a way to deal with people trying to help me when right now im not in a good place to deal with people. Im gonna talk about how i started not feeling like a victim all the time. I can be living proof that it always gets worse before it gets better because i really was feeling like i was going to go crazy or kill myself. It wasnt the fear which ive been dealing with it was the actually having those thoughts go thru my head. I seem to only find myself doing good things for myself when im doing that bad and its not a conscious thing i do. Its like an escape or defense mechanism to stop myself from really doing something that bad. I question myself alot on how do people really commit suicide or go crazy because ive felt on the edge alot. I guess it comes probably from having no way out or feeling like that. I guess also goin crazy from something happening to u and actually having the psychological issues that would make you go crazy are different. I guess its kinda funny because im trying to write good things but alot of the stuff in my life isnt good or just really bad.

 

I can only say if I end up having anything good at all then that must count for something. I guess i was also going to talk about some of the stuff that made me be this way. I guess ill start with my first girlfriend and how eventho most people think its crazy i really wouldnt have care if she was the only person i was ever with. Ive never met anyone like me or that i got along with so well like her. We would joke about how we might be twins that were seperated at birth. I didnt mind her being the only girl that i was with because i kinda thought it was stupid how so many people say that they arent ready for marriage or dont want to settle down now and then end up later on regretting it. I can go into all of this stuff that im sure they really werent ready but who wants to go thru later on regretting it. I basically see i lived by only one rule and that was i never wanted to do anything that i would regret. I cant say i live by that rule anymore because with my depression i dont really even know who i am anymore. I will just say things didnt end up turning out the way i wanted. I ended seeing that she was emotionally abusive to me and neglectful. I also saw that with her constantly or more than a few times trying to break up with me over things that didnt make sense, so that with my abandonment issues didnt help or actually made them so crazy. I also couldnt understand the break-up because she became a totally different person and i guess thats from her being abused and not being able to deal with it. Its weird because i didnt like her being i guess u can say the bad side of her but i really was blown away by her good side. Its hard to know someone having so many good qualities but because of her upbringing that it basically messed her up. I guess you can even say because of growing up like that it made her not want to be that way, its just thats not so easy. I can say thats alot of who i am because i still have trouble trying not to think about how different my life would be if i lived somewhere else. I can say that with her i would have never known it would be like this based on how i thought things were back then. Its hard to see something seem so good end up being the craziest thing that happens to you.

 

I guess that leads me to now to where me not being with her is supposed to be good for me but with my depression and everything else that is too much to list right now, things have turned out to be alot worse. So its like i cant be with her because of everything but then not being with her has been really bad and probably worse. I can only see that i wouldnt have wanted to know how it would be if things ended up gettin worse then they were when i was with her and then having to deal with growing thru the break-up after all of that. I guess i dont really have alot of good things to say but at least me writing about them is something or at least better than not being able to talk about them. I just dont really know how to go thru all of this and somehow dealing with it all. Its like i know this will always be a part of my life that i probably wont like or even will hate. I also now have to deal with all the negative stuff ive been thru and how it has changed me mostly for the worst. I can only say that im more aware and will be better prepared to deal with things that i might end up going thru. I guess i dont really have much else to say but thats only because im trying to not go into alot of the negative stuff when it comes to me and what its like with things being as bad as they have been.