i'm still sad... it just doesn't stop

[evokateur]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm happy to have found this site. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who has problems getting over.

 

I think my issues might be a little extreme. I've been (or should I say "I'd been"?) in a relationship with someone for eight years. In all this time things have been tumultuous. I've just refused to let go... been persistent (to a fault).

 

I've been going to school. I moved out March of last year, but I've had a really difficult time focusing. I should actually be done now and making something of myself, but, to a large part, the distraction and energy I've put into this stubborn refusal, or unwillingness (it seems like I just CANT let go) has done a lot of damage to my academic career.

 

Last October I had gone through some kind of a process and I was actually going to meet someone interesting I'd met on craigslist for coffee. She called me the day before saying that she was having difficulty. I think she was going through the normal regrets that people go through. I was totally shocked because it was the first time she'd reached out to me that way in a LONG time. I'd thought she was completely over our relationship. I just couldn't go on the date. I dropped everything and ran to her. Things were ok until she went on a trip to Colorado to see a friend and stuff was weirdly different afterwards. One night I had spent the night and I found a used condom in her bathroom garbage. This was the first time I'd ever known for sure that she had slept with someone else (I'd always had these feelings, but I put them off to paranoia... and it seemed as though I really knew who she was when we were together).

 

Sorry this is getting long, but I later found out that she'd slept with someone while she was in Colorado as well. Things just got bad after that. By the end of November I was in the hospital after half-heartedly trying to kill myself. The first place I went when I got out was her place.

 

Anyway, I kept seeing her, trying to be "friends" and postpone the inevitable until we had a bit of a tiff at the end of February. I found a job and was focusing on digging myself out of my hole and kind of let things go for a while. She was reticent after i left, but I didn't think much of it (it's normal for her with me). Gradually it became something like no-contact on her part. Emails, phone calls unanswered. I had expected her to want to be friends, but she wasn't telling me what was going on in her life. I know, it sounds obvious doesn't it?

 

It's just been really bad for lately and I don't know why. I went to try and see her yesterday. In the past I've reached out and something in her might shift... a faint nostalgia maybe. Old friends. A closeness. She's been working a lot on finishing an internship while working full time so she's been busy. I also know that she's dating and having casual sex with other people, and on some level it tears me up inside, but on another level I just want my best friend back. I feel like I'm in a viscous circle. The neediness, my personal issues are responsible for the relationship not working out and at the same time I can't focus on myself long enough to fix them. I know that the answer I'll get is a no-brainer. Just stop. The relationship is poison to me. I've heard it, I know it, but I just wont. Thoughts and feelings just keep bubbling up. The conflict comes from the regret, the feeling that I'm responsible for being where I'm at. I feel as though I need a magic pill (I've been off anti-depressants for a while and they didn't help anyway. I was on them for six months before I went to the hospital). I have a week to make up my incompletes and I just can't focus. I just want to put them off and disappear for a while but I can't.