Jump to content

i'm still sad... it just doesn't stop

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone,


I'm happy to have found this site. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who has problems getting over.


I think my issues might be a little extreme. I've been (or should I say "I'd been"?) in a relationship with someone for eight years. In all this time things have been tumultuous. I've just refused to let go... been persistent (to a fault).


I've been going to school. I moved out March of last year, but I've had a really difficult time focusing. I should actually be done now and making something of myself, but, to a large part, the distraction and energy I've put into this stubborn refusal, or unwillingness (it seems like I just CANT let go) has done a lot of damage to my academic career.


Last October I had gone through some kind of a process and I was actually going to meet someone interesting I'd met on craigslist for coffee. She called me the day before saying that she was having difficulty. I think she was going through the normal regrets that people go through. I was totally shocked because it was the first time she'd reached out to me that way in a LONG time. I'd thought she was completely over our relationship. I just couldn't go on the date. I dropped everything and ran to her. Things were ok until she went on a trip to Colorado to see a friend and stuff was weirdly different afterwards. One night I had spent the night and I found a used condom in her bathroom garbage. This was the first time I'd ever known for sure that she had slept with someone else (I'd always had these feelings, but I put them off to paranoia... and it seemed as though I really knew who she was when we were together).


Sorry this is getting long, but I later found out that she'd slept with someone while she was in Colorado as well. Things just got bad after that. By the end of November I was in the hospital after half-heartedly trying to kill myself. The first place I went when I got out was her place.


Anyway, I kept seeing her, trying to be "friends" and postpone the inevitable until we had a bit of a tiff at the end of February. I found a job and was focusing on digging myself out of my hole and kind of let things go for a while. She was reticent after i left, but I didn't think much of it (it's normal for her with me). Gradually it became something like no-contact on her part. Emails, phone calls unanswered. I had expected her to want to be friends, but she wasn't telling me what was going on in her life. I know, it sounds obvious doesn't it?


It's just been really bad for lately and I don't know why. I went to try and see her yesterday. In the past I've reached out and something in her might shift... a faint nostalgia maybe. Old friends. A closeness. She's been working a lot on finishing an internship while working full time so she's been busy. I also know that she's dating and having casual sex with other people, and on some level it tears me up inside, but on another level I just want my best friend back. I feel like I'm in a viscous circle. The neediness, my personal issues are responsible for the relationship not working out and at the same time I can't focus on myself long enough to fix them. I know that the answer I'll get is a no-brainer. Just stop. The relationship is poison to me. I've heard it, I know it, but I just wont. Thoughts and feelings just keep bubbling up. The conflict comes from the regret, the feeling that I'm responsible for being where I'm at. I feel as though I need a magic pill (I've been off anti-depressants for a while and they didn't help anyway. I was on them for six months before I went to the hospital). I have a week to make up my incompletes and I just can't focus. I just want to put them off and disappear for a while but I can't.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...