I need advice.

[dw009]

..Like real honest opinion advice.. not trying to be nice and just make me feel better advice..

 

So, basically..

I'm in love with a friend, he thinks we're better off as friends, but there’s this other girl who likes him. He told me he wouldn’t date her because I kind of got upset about it and told him I wouldn’t be able to talk to him if he did.

Everyone is kind of always shoving it in his face that she likes him so I don’t know why he wouldn’t just end up dating her anyways.. I mean why would he do this for me if we are just friends and he doesn’t like me like that anyways?

 

I mean we went out before but that was like a few years ago.. but he thinks since it didn’t work then it wont work now. I think it could.. well it could have until this whole thing came up. I guess I can understand..

 

I just don’t know what to do. I keep thinking about it. I want to just get over it but it's really hard. Would he date her?

They talk and are planning to hang out now, all after he told me he didn't like her like that. I can't understand it. Why would he bother if he doesn't like her?

 

I'm just so confused by him and all of this.

[WizardofOz]

Why don't you want him to date this girl?

[dw009]

help???..

anyone??

[dw009]

Well, first off she hates me. I'm afraid he'll stop talking to me if they went out or something.

Second, I don't know I guess I'm still hoping for another chance..

[dw009]

He's gone out with people before and I never had a problem. I don't want to start just talking bad about her but.. She's just not a great person to begin with.

[WizardofOz]

Well, first off she hates me. I'm afraid he'll stop talking to me if they went out or something.

Second, I don't know I guess I'm still hoping for another chance..

 

Is there a reason she hates you? If this guy is as good a friend as you say then he likely won't date her if she is mean to you without cause.

 

The second reason is a bit more selfish: If your friend doesn't see you as more than a really good friend then he should be able to see other people. It would be unfair of you to dictate who he can and can't see because you want a second chance.

[dw009]

I'm not sure. She's friends with one of my other friends but whenever I've ever been around her and try to say something she ignores me or gives me like a.. Why the hell are you talking to me? look.

 

He always goes for girls who would be easy to get (like just because they like him when he doesn't even know them) or who don't like him anyways and straight out tell him that, but he just sits there and puts up with all this stuff he shouldn't have to.

I'm fine with us being friends, but .. It's just since I actually told him I still liked as more things have been weird. I'm not even 100% sure what I want.

Like I said, I've never had a problem with him dating people before.

[Batya33]

He is not interested in you romantically, he has been honest with you about that (good for him!) and you need to move on from that. Threatening him with removing your friendship because of who he chooses to date is unfair and manipulative. Unless this other woman has been physically abusive to you or threatened you with physical harm, or you know that she is a criminal you have no right to try to manipulate who he dates. Of course, if you don't like her and he dates her, then just don't see him when he is with her but you have to be supportive of his choices if you are his friend.

 

If he changes his mind believe me he will let you know - trying to prevent him from finding someone else won't make a bit of a difference in his feelings for you. There will be people you don't want to date and people who don't want to date you and sometimes just "because" - i.e. just because you don't click that way. That's life.

[Sarati]

I am very sorry you are hurting. There is nothing more agonizing (and fruitless) than loving someone who does not love you back.

 

I hope you are ready for the truth, because here it comes.

 

It sounds like you are beginning to learn about the intricacies of interpersonal relationships. One of the most important and most difficult skills to learn is when to put some distance between yourself and other people in your life (so you can get perspective), for the purpose of clearing your head and assessing a given situation non-emotionally. It sounds like there is some heavy drama happening in your social group.

 

You must also come to realize two other very important realities:

 

1) You cannot convince somebody to like you.

2) You cannot control what others do or don't do, or who they choose to date.

 

It is clear that your friend has made his decision that you and he are not going to happen beyond being friends. You already went out previously and nothing came of it. The fact that you are hanging onto him and the idea that someday you may have a love relationship suggests that you might need professional assistance so you can understand why you are intensely attracted to someone so unavailable.

 

The mere fact that your friend (with whom you say you are in love) is telling you that he would not date the other girl who also likes him, because he does not want to hurt you, suggests that he has some manners and cares about you. However, the fact that he is planning to hook up with her says that perhaps he likes her and is interested in her, which is his business and his alone.

 

Once again, I would begin to disengage from this drama, realize that he does not reciprocate your strong feelings for him, and is interested in this other girl. It's a very tough position for you to be in but you must distance yourself from them and begin to focus your energies on healing your broken heart because it is interfering with your ability to act rationally. Again, you must realize that this guy is not available and you will want to learn to not pursue someone who is unavailable.

 

I totally understand what you are going through, sweetheart. There is no way to escape the pain you are experiencing, but once you make the decision to distance yourself and refuse to get caught up in this drama, you will feel a sense of empowerment that YOU made the decision for yourself, and you will begin to feel better day by day.

 

I hope this is helpful...good luck to you >>

[WizardofOz]

I'm not sure. She's friends with one of my other friends but whenever I've ever been around her and try to say something she ignores me or gives me like a.. Why the hell are you talking to me? look.

 

He always goes for girls who would be easy to get (like just because they like him when he doesn't even know them) or who don't like him anyways and straight out tell him that, but he just sits there and puts up with all this stuff he shouldn't have to.

I'm fine with us being friends, but .. It's just since I actually told him I still liked as more things have been weird. I'm not even 100% sure what I want.

Like I said, I've never had a problem with him dating people before.

 

Maybe this girl dislikes you because she feels threatened by you. In my opinion, if you want another chance with this guy, you will have to give him some time to date whoever he wants. Over time, he will be able to tell if you are the one for him, but that will only happen with experience.

 

And if this girl is no good for him then that only helps you because it will show him how much better you are compared to this girl.

[dw009]

Okay, apparently I'm not making myself clear enough.

 

I never said I don't want him dating anyone.

 

I used to be fine with being friends and it's all I felt too until recently.

A month or two?

and am fine now.. most of the time.

 

And I'm not just saying I won't talk to him if he dates someone. I just won't be able to if he dates her. I won't be able to, can't. It would hurt to much if he dated someone he knows and always has known hates me.. I just don't know why he would do that. I wouldn't do that to him.

 

Whatever this is what happens always. I'm the friend to everyone. Nothing more.

[Sarati]

Okay, apparently I'm not making myself clear enough.

 

I never said I don't want him dating anyone.

 

I used to be fine with being friends and it's all I felt too until recently.

A month or two?

and am fine now.. most of the time.

 

And I'm not just saying I won't talk to him if he dates someone. I just won't be able to if he dates her. I won't be able to, can't. It would hurt to much if he dated someone he knows and always has known hates me.. I just don't know why he would do that. I wouldn't do that to him.

 

Whatever this is what happens always. I'm the friend to everyone. Nothing more.

 

 

Did you even read what I wrote? I suggest you read it and realize that you are heavily involved in a drama and you need to let go of this guy you love who does not love you back. You keep analyzing why he does/doesn't do this or that and you need to just STOP. From your response, it appears that you may not be ready to really resolve this problem.

[lavenderdove]

>>I'm in love with a friend, he thinks we're better off as friends

 

That is your problem, not some other girl. If he doesn't want to date you, then whomever he dates is irrelevant.

 

My short answer to this particular girl is that he doens't want to date you, and he's not particularly interested in her either, so he dates neither of you.

 

You're just spinning your wheels if you are in love with him and hanging around getting upset at the idea of him dating other women, this girl or any other girl. If he doesn't want to date you, sooner or later he will find someone he wants to date, and then you will be totally heartbroken and have wasted a lot of time on nothing.

 

I suggest you stop seeing him as a friend for a while, until you're happily dating someone else and your mind if off him and on a guy who does want to date you. Otherwise this 'friendship' is just distracting you from the fact that you should be dating someone else if he won't date you. Don't get trapped in these kind of pseudo-relationships where you have a lot of emotional intimacy of friendship, but your other needs for romance and sex and a boyfriend are not getting met. People can waste years waiting around for someone to change their mind and date them, only to be heartbroken when the person falls for someone else quickly and they get left alone in the dust.